taking in a friend

[Never_Back_Down]

Hi

I have this friend that is having a hard time. She is done college but is having trouble finding a good job and the one she has right now doesnt have many hours so she isnt getting a lot of money. So she is now living at home but her parents make her pay rent and phone and everything which wouldnt be that bad if she had good parents. Her mother is a aochol and uses pot, there have been times when i have being banging on the door and she didnt hear because she had passed out from drunking. Her dad isnt any help it wasnt too bad during high school but the last few years it has gotten worse and i have told her to leave, but since she hasnt got a great job and her parents make pay for everything she doesnt have enough to rent a place. She has looked for jobs sometimes she has worked two jobs at once to try to leave home but everytime she makes some money her parents suck it out of her. About two days ago i told her that she can move in with me, the thing i worry about is her parents getting mad and may do something. We all live in a the same town so we are not that far apart. The main thing is i want her to get on in her life and i feel that the enviorment she is in now will not help. I want to get her out of and live somewhere were she doesnt have to pay rent or anything so she can save some money to get on her feet. What do you guys think i should do. Any input would help. thanks

[RobzGr8]

First of all, let me commend you on your loyalty and sense of family when it comes to wanting to help out your friend. That kind of unselfishness is indeed very rare these days.

 

However, before you get yourself into a situation that may be hard to get yourself out of later, you might want to ask yourself, "How well do I REALLY know this person?" And, "Do I really want to be the one that comes between my friend and her family?"

 

This may not seem relevant NOW, but in the weeks following your friend's arrival into your home, you could find yourself wondering why you didn't think of these things before.

 

Now, you say you went to high school with her, so I assume you've known her for while. Since you're 20 years old, I'll just say you've known her for a minimum of six years. I'll assume you've kicked it with her, got into some stuff together, and all the usual stuff that teenagers do with their friends. But, have you LIVED with her before?

 

Do you have any idea what she's like when you're not around? What if she's a slob? Do you want to be the only one cleaning up YOUR house? What if she has "questionable" friends that you don't know about? Do you want the safety of your home compromised? Does she do drugs? Drink? Party? DO YOU? If you don't, can you tolerate her doing all those things in YOUR home?

 

Now, you say you told her you won't charge her rent, but can you afford to support her? How does she handle her finances? You better find out, because if you choose to be her new Mommy, you'll find out soon enough where her money goes. Will she split the utilities? Will she help out with food? Do you have ROOM in your place for her? You say this girl worked two jobs sometimes and never had any money because her parents took it all from her. Is that the truth? Remember, as the one responsible friend she has, you KNOW she'll come to you to bail her out if she messes up or needs money. Are you ready for that?

 

Also, most people who live with their friends usually end up hating them. And, that's in a situation where everything is equal and everything is paid for 50/50. How LONG can she stay with you? You better set a time. It doesn't take a year to save money for a deposit on an apartment. How long are you going to let her live off of you?

 

Also, I don't know if you live alone now, or with someone else, but let's assume you live alone. Do you like your space? Your privacy? Do you like to watch cartoons in your boxers and wife beater while eating Cap N' Crunch? Do you like to be able to bring whomever you want over to your house without ASKING or worrying if she'll hear you or get mad? You'd be surprised how quickly some people can suddenly turn everything that's YOURS into THEIRS.

 

Also, since I used to be police officer, let's look at the legal aspects of this. Let's say that she lives there for six months, has a good job, has money saved, but you start to get mad because she's NOT EVEN making an effort to give you SOMETHING for rent. You get into a big ole fight and tell her the famous line, "This is my house. Get your stuff and get out." And she comes back with, "NO."

 

What are you going to do? Guess what? You're now her LANDLORD. By letting her "establish residency" you now just made her legally entitled your living space. You're no longer her friend who's letting her chill at her pad til she's back on her feet, you're now the enemy who wants to throw her out. Guess what again? She's got rights now as YOUR TENANT!! You can't kick her out...you have to EVICT her. A process that can take anywhere from 30 days up to another SIX MONTHS. She can appeal and appeal and appeal...living there rent free all the while, until the judge finally orders the Marshalls to boot her out, or until you just up and leave yourself because you're tired and it's costing you a lot of money to evict her.

 

Also, if you are the sole person on your lease, and even if you're not, you better make sure it's okay with YOUR landlord that your friend comes and lives with you. In a lot of states, subletting your apartment without the owner's permission is illegal and can get YOU evicted as well.

 

But wait there's more. How is her family going to react? Are they going to let her go? They obviously need her money for beer and drugs. What are they going to do when she's gone? What are they going to do to YOU? Are you cool with her family? If not, stepping up like that to them will get you on their hit list real quick. And, your friend's probably so intimidated by her family (or else she would've moved out a long time ago) that she's likely to take their side over yours if something bad happens. Regardless of how she feels about them, she's not going to want to be disowned by her family.

 

Also, alcoholics and drug users are NOT the most rational or forgiving sort of people. Her family might physically, verbally or emotionally abuse YOU for trying to get your friend out of there. Remember...misery loves company...if she gets out and succeeds, while they are still failing, they could blame YOU for her not coming around no more. You might come out to your car one morning and find it's been vandalized. You might get threatening phone calls at home or work, people threatening to beat you down...then YOUR safety is now jeopardized. And all you wanted to do was help your friend "get on her feet."

 

I know this sounds a little extreme, but when I was a cop, all the stuff I just wrote ACTUALLY happened to people just like you. I saw it all. I lived it all with them. I had to sit for hours and hear THE WHOLE STORY from each and every one of them. And all they were trying to do was help get someone out of a bad situation.

 

Now, don't think that I'm trying to scare you. I'm simply giving you a broader picture of what COULD happen. Don't go into this blindly. This isn't going to be a 24 hour slumber party with cable TV and Pizza Hut. By letting this person into your PRIVATE life, you will be drawn into everything that happens in HER private life.

 

Are you ready to experience everything she must live through? Because you will. Think about it...you're only 20. When I was 20, I thought I was grown up and nothing bad would ever happen to me...well, it did. Bad things happen to even the best of people because they are so open hearted they don't stop to think.

 

You sound like a good person Never_Back_Down. Don't let yourself walk blindly into a situation you are not 100% ready to deal with.

[Never_Back_Down]

thanks for the advice, but i though about all of that already. My ladlord is ok with subleting and i gave her a time limit she can stay there the summer. I have know her since i was 4 i know everything about her and and she knows me really well. About the drinking and drugs we party together all the time we are both drinks and sometimes and yes we have done drugs. I would not just do this for anyone, i would have to know the person really well and i do know her. Thank you for your input but i am not rushing into this for the same facts that you brough up. If she wants to moving that is fine, if she doesnt that is fine too. The main thing is that i just want to help her and i will back her up whatever her choice is.

[Never_Back_Down]

also i have dealt with her personal life for many years i have been there through thick and thin, and about the parents not liking me or whatever. I have dealt with drug addicts before i worked at a rehab but that doesnt matter i can take whatever they can throw at me and if that means they hate me forever that is fine. Is there anything else you can think of that i should straighten out before going through with this? Thanks for your input