I might be wrong on this one...Opinions/advice please

[theham2130]

Hey guys. I need to get some outside opinion on this matter.

 

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year. We’re both in college right now. He lives in the city (on campus) and I currently live with my parents in the suburbs half an hour away. I take two buses to see him (I don’t have a car and neither does he). It takes about 40 minutes, depending on the wait time between buses. After I see him, I have to take the bus back, sometimes as late at 11pm at night.

 

When we first started dating, he’d tell me once in a while to be careful or carry pepper spray but other than that he rarely inquired about my safety or about how long the bus ride is, etc. And I always made it seem like being on the bus for close to an hour was no biggie – after all, it was my primary mode of transportation for school and I was happy to do it for him.

 

Well, fast forward one year and about 10 trillion bus rides later and, I have to say, I’m getting sick of it. Well, let me rephrase, it’s not the bus-riding I’m getting sick of, it’s his seeming lack of appreciation for me and for the fact that I do this for him. Sure, he’s taken the bus a few times to see me at my parents’ house, but not often. Plus, it’s not exactly convenient since we can’t be alone there.

 

Anyway, I finally told him how I felt about this whole issue last night, but I think I used the wrong words and gave him the wrong impression. At first, I just kept saying I didn’t feel like taking the bus to see him and that I do it all the time and it’s a hassle. He said he felt hurt because he would take the bus for me in a heartbeat, but I never ask him to my parents’ house. He said that it would be worth it for him to take two buses to see me – as if I don’t feel the same way!

 

So then I said, the issue isn’t even really the bus ride, it’s the fact that I do it for you and you don’t seem to appreciate it. So he said he understood, but at the same time, he kept making these side comments that made it clear that he didn’t understand. I can’t remember exactly what he was saying but he was implying that I was acting like a princess cause I didn’t want to take two buses. Anyway, by the end of our convo, he said, “ I have to go sleep cause I’m feeling annoyed and I need to talk to you about this later.”

 

So, now I feel like I shouldn’t have even said anything. I feel like maybe I’m overreacting. I understand where he’s coming from. There really isn’t anything we can do to change the situation (there are reasons I can’t move on campus so don’t suggest it). But all I want is for him to appreciate that I do this for him. Maybe I could’ve communicated that to him better.

 

What are your thoughts?

[pinkrobot]

Well, I can understand that it annoys you...I've been in a similar situation before and it's nice to know your effort is appreciated.

 

But what did you exactly hope to accomplish by bringing it up? I mean, he could start showing excessive appreciation for it now...but is that really going to feel good, knowing he's only saying it because you guilted him into it?

 

Like I said, I've been there before and I totally understand what it's like to want to bring it up. But he's either going to appreciate it on his own, or you're going to have a fight like this that ends in him saying "thank you" not so much because he means it, but because he feels he's obligated to now.

 

So, I'd just let it go. If it comes up again somehow, just don't make a big deal about it. He'll either realize what you're wanting or he won't. But if it's forced, it's not as meaningful.

[pinkrobot]

Well, I can understand that it annoys you...I've been in a similar situation before and it's nice to know your effort is appreciated.

 

But what did you exactly hope to accomplish by bringing it up? I mean, he could start showing excessive appreciation for it now...but is that really going to feel good, knowing he's only saying it because you guilted him into it?

 

Like I said, I've been there before and I totally understand what it's like to want to bring it up. But he's either going to appreciate it on his own, or you're going to have a fight like this that ends in him saying "thank you" not so much because he means it, but because he feels he's obligated to now.

 

So, I'd just let it go. If it comes up again somehow, just don't make a big deal about it. He'll either realize what you're wanting or he won't. But if it's forced, it's not as meaningful.

[Tethys]

I think what you want is equal treatment -- you go out of your way to see him, but don't feel he does the same. Maybe you should frame the convo that way, or stop going out of your way to see him and see if he reciprocates. Don't be rude or anything. Just start doing what makes you more comfortable, esp with safety concerns, and see what happens.

[Tethys]

I think what you want is equal treatment -- you go out of your way to see him, but don't feel he does the same. Maybe you should frame the convo that way, or stop going out of your way to see him and see if he reciprocates. Don't be rude or anything. Just start doing what makes you more comfortable, esp with safety concerns, and see what happens.

[rusty_boi]

He probably doesnt know how to appreciate it, if it was me i would be acting the same as him because he can say thankyou after every time you catch the bus but it will eventually be out of habit and not because he means it, im just trying to put this in a guys point of view because i have alot of sisters and have learned males and females think differently. The other thing he is probably thinking is its better for both of you if you see him because you get the privacy you want, and cant get at your parents.

 

In saying all that however, a few larger gestures by him every so often wouldnt go astray. I would write down what you want to say and read it to him (over the phone so it doesnt seem rehearsed would be good). I wouldnt leave it as it is because you dont want this lingering in the back of both your thoughts in future fights.

[Tethys]

Rusty, yes, but I do think she feels unappreciated.

[theham2130]

Thanks for all your help guys. It just bothers me cause I feel like I finally told him how I feel but, in doing so, I think I came accross as a prissy princess who cant take two buses. But that's not the issue. I just want him to notice that I'm doing this for him. All I ask is a thank you once in a while - something to make me WANT to take two buses to see him. I don't think I communicated this very well to him when we talked because he just didn't seem to get it.

[theham2130]

i guess i just don't want him to think i'm a drama queen and i don't know how to get my message accross without seeming like one

[Tethys]

You're not a drama queen -- as I said above, you feel unappreciated. That's fair.

[rusty_boi]

Tell him you feel he doesnt appreciate it, and that you dont mind doing it if once and a while he suprized you to show you how he appreciated you. Your not being a drama queen by doing that, its human nature to want to feel appreciated. He would feel the same if it was the other way around