Do I follow-up a two-week break?

[yoley]

I've (43) been dating this woman (36) since August of last year, she works as a waitress at the local pub I frequent. She's also a personal trainer and ex-body builder.

 

Over the next few months it was all good - trips together (we're both big hikers) , movies, dinners at home, dinners out, and phsyically - everything was good.

 

Come the end of the year, (I was layed off in 2007) I became quite stressed at my severance was running out and finances were not looking very good. I actually became quite withdrawn and our phsyical relationship took its toll. (My mother died last year, my fathers health is deterioating and I live with my alcholoic brother - temporary as it is , its stressful)

 

Late in Decemeber I had found a wonderful position but until I was working again, finances were tight. In January I ago away for training for a week, I come home and she's got her period..then another week at home she seems withdrawn. I go away for another week and when I return she tells me we need to talk.

 

She tells me she feels like friends - that i come for a sleepover. That theres no connection. She tears up when she tells me this.

 

I tell her about everything thats been going on - money issues, depression etc etc. And that I want to work on things. I feel wonderful now because money is flowing and I'm back to running all the time. I do apologize for not being there for her phsyically because of my own stressors in the fall.

 

Over the next weeks or so we try to work on things - dinners, walks on the beach but its quite difficult because I work 8-4, and she works at the pub most nights. Only Monday - Wedneday night do we have time to spend together. I do go into the pub to see her while she's working. I do proposition her and make physical advances but she decides that it best we go home serperately (she sounds bitter or angry that Im happy now) .

 

One night we're all having a great time at the pub after she finishes work, and Im affectionate and kiss her at the car - and again, we go home seperately. The next day she said I was "overcompensating" now.

 

Still we continue on - we readdress the issue and she tells me three weeks ago, that despite being best friends, and we talk about everything - there is no connection. She wants to feel as though her heart is pumping from her chest when she sees me.

 

She wants to be friends. I said I couldnt do that and that perhaps we shouldnt see each other.

 

Incidentaly, she hasnt worked out in months, no longer personal trains anyone, doesn't want to work at the pub anymore, thinks she wants to start a woodworking carreer and isnt even sure if she should be living in the city anymore. She sounds quite confused about where she is in her life.

 

A week later - I ask her to a comedy club after some txting back and forth which was all playful. I initated the txting. Her response was "I don't see any reason not to - but way are you asking?"

 

We talk on the phone and I tell her that I still want to work on things and she decides that she wants a two-week break for us to "cool-off" - because of our back-and-forth nature. I asked her what she plans to achieve with the two-week break, her response is "i don't know". I asked if perhaps after those two weeks we'll work on things, her response "I don't know". I can hear her crying when I tell her that I want us back and all the things we can do together.

 

I see her the next night at the pub, and its all good natured fun - then I leave for a party teling her that she'll miss me, and she txts me something humorous later that night - which I dont respond to until the next morning.

 

I'm gone for one week on business, give her the space she needs - and only send her two messages 1. I' glad we're taking the time out because we need to step back and think things over 2. I miss her.

 

No response from my txts.

 

Now I'm home and the two weeks will be up shortly.

 

Do I contact her and ask we meet for a coffee this weekend or shall I just let her go and figure out what she wants - go total NC. If she contacts me, then its shows interest - if she doesn't contact me, then I just move on. Ive been the one driving everything since the first time she said "we need to talk"

 

In terms of my own strength - Im doing fairly well, but would be interested in pursuing this relationship with her, but I can also go without her.

 

Thoughts? Do I initiate contact or let her make a move?

[Sweet Venus]

I think you should let her initiate MOST of the contact. It sounds like she expects

to feel butterflies all the time, which is actually a very unlikely thing in a long term relationship. That is HER issue, not yours.

 

You're doing the right thing by stepping back , but I would go as far as to say she likely just want to be "friends" as hard as that is to hear. Are you sure she isn't seeing someone else? Just a thought..

[yoley]

Not sure if she's seeing someone else. She was spotted with someone else after her shift was over on Sunday...but she usually sits after work and chats with patrons.

 

I would expect that she'll wait the two-weeks before seeing someone, I don't want to make an assumption.

 

Regardless ..my gut tells me that she needs to figure things out. I have told her very clearly what i wanted - and you're right it sounds like she wants butterflys constantly (perhaps a sign she's not happy in her life?)

 

By me stepping away and not initaing contact that she expects - it might make her think more (or start a new relationship), and perhaps uncover her true feelings - which is want I want either way. If she has feelings for me, she'll feel it. If not, It also allows me to move on.

 

And no, I can't be friends with her. Done that before and it backfired (not in my favor at all).

[Sweet Venus]

Yoley, you sound like a REALLY good guy, and maybe she doesn't appreciate that right now. I say just be there, but from a distance right now. Respect her space...but don't fall into the 'friend" trap. She can't have both..her "space" but you as a safety net when she needs it. I'm sure you won't allow that. And I will add that it wouldn't shock me if she suddenly feels "butterflies" if she thinks or KNOWS you are dating other people. I think right now she just feels too SURE about you, and sometimes that's the kiss of death.

[IMAbadman]

I think you're on the right track. Give her all the time and space she needs. I personally think the next moves are up to her. Give her the two weeks but after that I suggest you get out that little black book.

 

She'll either realize what she has or eventually she'll realize what she lost.

[yoley]

Venus,

 

thanks for the kudos

 

Quite a few people at the pub say we make a great couple...which is quite hard even as early as two weeks ago someone told me this - but they have no idea the troubles we're goign through.

 

At one point I met a bunch of friends at the pub and sat next a tall blonde that was a friend of mine - my GF was really quite hurt and I had to explain who it was and that she was well into a relationship.

 

So..I do know that somewhere inside she feels something, but is it strong? - well perhaps me disappearing might uncover that.

 

I do feel bad though I'm not initiating contact after the agreed two weeks break, but then again - she MUST make a move and voice her feelings.

 

Actually I AM a good guy - she even said so two weeks ago "you're one of the good guys" - but I do understand this is just one way of trying to make feel better.

[Sweet Venus]

Awwww...sounds like she does care about you, but she doesn't really appreciate you right now. The fact she was upset you were talking to the blonde indicates that, but you also don't want someone who only wants something they can't have. It will never work that way. Only time

and some distance will work in this situation. I would give her a month...tops

and if she hasn't budged, I would tell her goodbye.

[yoley]

I agree...time away is best.

 

But as everyone knows on this forum..your heart wants to jump in there and go to the pub and see her (stomach says give me a pint)

 

The brain says i'm a fool if I do.

 

I think for the first time I'm playing this wisely, but not necessarily for the relationship - but for me.

 

Laying a personal boudary and resisting that emotion is tough, but it can be done and every minute is a battle.

 

Now I'm curious how it plays out both ways - her coming back, and/or me moving on.

 

Glad this forum is here..I needed some opinions! So thanks to all!

[yoley]

OK..this is absolute agony - and I do realize that for me it's only been two weeks of NC after a 6 month relationship as opposed to others here where they've been through years of a relationship and months of NC. (However, I've been here before in much worst straits years ago)

 

Our two week break is up tomorrow. Will she call or contact me? I'm guessing not.

 

Still - how do/am I handling this right now?

 

o Meditate and lots of it!! Its calms and controls my mind and places me in a less stressful state - for at least a while. While the "noise" is controlled - truth starts to emerge : was this the relationship (or woman) for me? Perhaps not because it didn't work.

 

o let go and let fate handle this. My persistent thoughts aren't helping anyone - especially me - it's affecting my work and my recovery. Let life be. She is not on my path right now. I have no idea what is around the corner.

 

o relfect on the man I am. Rebuild the worth. Continually writing it down - citing opinions from others, and knowing who I am, my career, my personality, my gentleness my goals etc etc

 

o continue to focus on my job that i love. It's going so well! The company is one of the few that s booming in this economy.

 

o taking responsibility for the things that Ive done or didn't do, and pledging to not make the same mistakes again - in other words, the next relationship is going to be amazing!! (whether its with her, or without her)

 

o ordered a book on relationships (lord knows my parents example was desperately flawed) - "the Passion Trap". When I hurt, I tend to hit the books to learn.

 

o being active - im running a great deal now since Ive signed up for the half marathon (15 May - yikes!) . Lots a some weight. Off to the gym starting Saturday (now that Ive lost the winter fat). For 43 - I'm looking damn good (and I'm not trying to be conceited because I'm FAR from perfect!)

 

o being social - getting out tonight with a whole whack of friends (some newfoundlanders) - which is always a good time. In that time - I'll introduce myself to women I don't know and have a great time doing it.

 

o being more social - off to a "YOUNG business professional " dinner tonight (I'll go incognito). It's always good to socially chat with great minds.

 

o making plans - chatted with a pilot friend of mine and I'm going for my pilots license. After beginners course, he'll take me the rest of the way.

 

o making more plans - back to school for my International MBA? hmmmm. My employer covers it so why not?

 

o Assess what I'm doing as stated above - wow! Like Dr Phil says (cough) .."life rewards action". I'm actually moving ahead with my life without her.

 

 

The point is, my mind, body and soul are actively looking ahead. Soon my heart will follow - and the pain will subside.

[yoley]

No drinking whatsoever during this time!!!!

 

Went out Thursday night and went on a tear...got horribly drunk and txted the ex twice..just heart dumping really. stupid stupid stuff.

 

Friday afternoon i txted her again and apologized, told her i was drunk, and not happy about it. Asked her that now we're at the end of two weeks, I'd like to know what whats on her mind..and if we're ending this - id like to meet over coffee.

 

I got a txt from her late last night "those txts weren't right drinking or not".

 

I go on to explain and agree..it wasnt right. Drinking is not an excuse and I've admitted that if i cant keep my emotions in check drinking then perhaps I should stop drinking (Im not a big drinker..but sometimes my romantic emotions get amplified)

 

I asked her what she was thinking and she replied that she was just "shaking her head"

 

After a few apologetic txt and gave her my word it wouldnt happen again., I asked her for coffee and a walk and she said that it was kinda late now (it was 10pm), but her earliest she'd be available would be monday, since she works all weekend. I said ok, see you Monday.

 

I txted this morning "good morning beautiful, I hope you have a good day". No reply from her- which is fine, wasnt looking for one. Probably shouldnt have done it as an afterthought.

 

Question : does it sound like I'm making too much of an effort here - does it sound like I'm out of emotional control? How do I regain that control? Stop txting right?

 

i WILL wait until Monday night to see her...and I WILL NOT talk about the relationship, unless she brings it up..just keep it light.

 

Other suggestions or words of encouragement..or comments?

[Clabs]

Hi Yoley

 

Yeah - you take back your emotional control by cutting out this contact - you ARE making too much effort.

 

OK - so you are due to meet up on Monday. I don't want to sound too negative but I will wager that she will cancel because her texts sounded pretty unfriendly though I may be wrong.

 

I would leave the ball in her court to make the plans for Monday and leave her completely alone in the meantime.

 

Hope this helps some mate - just keep your feet on the ground and see what happens - ok?

 

Mark

[yoley]

That's a great idea! Initially..I was going to text and ask for the time she's available...but you're quite right..I should wait for her to make the call.

 

It never ceases to amaze me how when emotions get involved, how irrational I act and how I subsequently I make mistakes. Ive just spent 4 hours at the book store reading all sorts of "self help" books..on topics such as "codepedancy" to "adult relationships" to "language of intimacy" exploring things like control, manipulation, being attentive, creating lasting relationships, my parents...finding areas where Ive erred. I'm certainly not inexperienced in relationships and everyone is different but good god..one of these days ll get it all right.

 

One of the areas I must master however and that plagued me before - is the art of letting go.

[Sweet Venus]

Awww Yoley, don;t beat yourself up over this. We have ALL done the drunk text or call thing....probably even her. I love it when people act so "above" certain behaviors...WHATEVER.

Anyway......you want my honest opinion???

Considering her actions in the last few weeks...and her luke warm attitude..

I would take the bull by the horns and end it on your terms.

Why does it have to be what SHE wants? Her actions are already telling your

how she feels....do you really need to HEAR it??

I know it hurts...but maybe in some way it will give you some sort of "control"

over the situation. So.....maybe you could ask her to call you...and just tell her

in a loving way exactly what you posted before....that you are planning to do

a,b or c.....and wit the way things are with you and her, you don't see a future

with her.

And let her go on YOUR terms......not hers. If nothing else..it will give you

some control and you maintain your dignity.

What do you think?

[yoley]

"The key moment when I stopped seeking her love was, to say the least, a huge relief. My whole body relaxed. I simply couldnt make myself believe that I needed a relationship with her, or with someone else, to be happy. I stopped feeling pulled outside myself, I stopped reaching for happiness where it didnt and couldnt exist. I just stopped doing what I had been doing my whole life. As a result, I felt stable and honest and complete for the first time"

 

'I stopped seeling this womans love, and I apologized for all the ways I tried to get her to agree with my thought that we should be a couple. I genuinly - and I was shocked by this - had no desire to be with her in a committed relationship, and I felt content with teh fact that i loved a woman who didnt want to be with me that way. Well the great ironic punch line to the story is that the moment a woman I stopped seeking her love and approval, when I could no longer find a reason to be with her (or with anyone else for that matter), she looked at me and thought "The freedom that Ive always wanted - I can find it with Steven. Oh, and he's pretty cute!". And she leaned over and kissed me"

- "I Need Your Love - Is that True?", Bryon Katie, pg 221

 

Well..been reading all day as you can tell..this book , including "The five love languages" and reflected and learnt tons.

 

I'll leave it until Tuesday..Im curious if she'll call...and if she doesnt call..and I'll do just that..ask for her to call me..and explain to her that I'm no longer going to chase her nor seek her love, because I'm not afraid of losing her. Depending on her reaction, I may tel her as well..thats its not working..and we should move on.

 

Wow. What a relief - not needing her.

[IMAbadman]

I really think you should just wait until she calls. Depending on when she calls and her attitude make your decision then.

 

My guess is she’s going to sit back and wait for you to call, at least for a little while. She expects you to phone immediately, she’ll measure her control over you by how quickly you do phone. She knows she can control you this way, she says she’ll contact you in a couple weeks and she knows she doesn’t have to because she has you on a leash.

 

When she does call be upbeat and aloof. Listen to what she’s saying, not what YOU want to hear, and make your decision on what to do from there.

 

Take control. If you're not the lead dog the view never changes.

[yoley]

I called her today (with an upbeat attitude) and asked her what time we were meeting up, because I had to take the car into the shop. She called back an hour later and we chatted for 11 minutes..all good natured, light and the usual joking around.

 

She wants to meet AFTER her dinner with her Mom..not before..so around 9pm. We're going for a coffee.

 

I aksed her to bring me back a piece of applpie that she's making for her mom because I do want to sample the amazing food she does make. I asked for a "sliver" because I'm back to the gym and ona strict diet.

 

She's a personal trainer and I asked if it would ok to go over my routine and diet - the interesting this is that she really hasnt seen me in 4 weeks..and i'm slimmer and a little more buff.

 

Although she we were throwing humor back and forth, she is SUCH a hard read! Very unemotional and straight faced - so very difficult to read her. She very "matter of factly" sometimes. But oh well..at least we were throwing humor back and forth.

 

I ended the call on a high note by telling her I had to get on a conference call.

 

I just have to breathe, be light and humorous, expect absolutely nothing.

 

One thing though - one of her complaints was that we were "not connecting" when we were together. Any ideas how to "connect" even at this stage? I would assume it would be good to ask about the deeper her - like what she wanted to be when she grew up (again..something light and NOT too deep).

[yoley]

She txted just now "I'm just sitting down with mom to watch a movie, and i'll be quite late getting there..so Plan A: drop by late tonight, or Plan B drop by your house tomorrow and you can make coffee for me".

 

I replied "hey xxx , you're nuts to think I can make coffee, you've seen what i do to omlettes! - so plan C: Drop by my place tomorrow, we walk a few blocks to the little coffee shop (she's been wanting to take me there months ago), we'll grab javas and walk along the waterfront. Spend time with your mom, after all it is Easter. Hi MOM! I want Applepie!! ps. There's a new baby in the family, chat tomorrow"

[yoley]

Well..had a 3.5 hour chat/talk/sit in the park with coffees. I took a breather, and shut off my cell in front of her.

 

We talked like we've never talked before, and in 5 days I'm back from a business/personal trip to another city and I've invited her to a Deepak Chopra night the day i get back.

 

At one point we realized we have the same goals in terms of vacations, next cities we want to live in, and goals in terms of life. I turned to her and said "too bad we didn't work out" with a smirk on my face , she replied "I was thinking that".

 

I also let her know that I'm away with the boys for the weekend - my life goes on.

 

No txts before that, no calls.

 

I did say "I think you know my intentions - and that is to work on things, and I think I can assume that you're cautious and want to take things slow" - she nodded. Not a resounding affirmation, but when her trust has been broken, due to my emotional unavailability over the last two months when we were dating because of some very stressful situations.

 

Interestingly, I also have the attitude now - I don't need her, but I do want her.

 

Just taking it slow...

[yoley]

Ok..soo..Wonderful "date" on Tuesday just gone by...3.5 hours of talking and just being us. Like I said, one of the most connecting times we've had.

 

Date coming up on Wednesday, when I'm back from business/personal trip (leaving today for a gold trip with the boys followed by a business trip)

 

In between - what do I do??

 

I feel like txting, or calling her...just to say thanks for Tuesday and that I'm looking forward to Wednesday - but I know I shouldn't.

 

I feel as though Ive gained a little power back, and would hate to relinquish that power via a txt or because I think that without my contact she may drift away - and is not thinking about me.

 

I have to do what George Constanza did - do everything opposite of what i want to do!

 

No txts, no calls before Wednesday.

[Brownstone322]

she is SUCH a hard read! Very unemotional and straight faced - so very difficult to read her.

You sure we're not dating the same girl?

[yoley]

lol. Well..maybe it's a lesson to not worry too much what they think, and stop trying to figure out what's in their heads.

 

Perhaps its the actions we should be more cognizant of.

[yoley]

Update: Went on the Deepak Chopra date last night.

 

She emailed me yesterday morning a joke email (out of the blue) and txted me in the afternoon to remind her what time I would be picking her up. We txted continually with the usually funny stuff after my flight arrived and because the flight was late, I told her I'd have to change at her place. I did - left my luggage inside, and out we went.

 

Interesting two hours with Deepak - she knew of him, but not read his material - but it did provide us with some interesting chat points after the show. During the show however , we were making humorous comments to each other under our breath about the topics Deepak covered - just fun.

 

After the show, we went out and bumped into a bunch of her work mates (they're about 22-23 and she's 36) who were in the process of getting hammered. We stayed there until 2am - both of us having fun, but i was getting tired of the scene. I think in the end she was too but this mixed crowd certianly does give her a lot of attention (lots of hugging) and in fact invited her on a road trip in a few weeks. She declined.

 

Soo..we go home. Chattting all the way and into her house where she does something totally odd - she starts playing with her cats. After 10 minutes of watching her and laughing at the cats antics..I say "well - its time to go".

 

She stands up , faces me about 2 feet away - and looks at me. I do the "thanks for the evening" thing, it was fun and she agreed and I go for the big hug and then the kiss and I get the cheek!!

 

Then I ask her if she's up to anything friday and I ask if she wants to go out and she says sure, but after her swimming.

 

Ok..givin that she wants to go slow....perhaps I shouldnt have gone for the kiss? Another thought - maybe she's just playing games - and I should just cancel the date tomorrow all together. She also mentioned something about hanging out with a guy who fixes motorbikes a couple of weeks back.

 

In any case - my gut tells me to just drop it - and move on. It doesnt sound like she wants anything from me. But I'm also feeling that if she wants to go "slow" that perhaps cancelling the date might be jumping the gun - and to give her the time she needs and not to pressure her - even for a kiss. Finally, my brains says communication is key, and to go on the date tomorrow , just her and I perhaps to a movie, and to find out where we are?

 

Comments?

[yoley]

OK..here is the current fear...the damn Friendzone! I've just realized this.

 

Relationship Phases:

 

Phase 1 : We meet everything going great, we date for a few months. Very physical, we do tons together.

 

Phase 2 : Stress gets to me (money, moms death, job loss ) etc etc...I'm not all there for a couple of months.

 

Phase 3: She calls and asks to talk - we are more friends than anything, I'm not there mentally...we're not connecting. So for the last few months we've been taking a break and meeeting from time to time, and talking (nothing phsyical!). I initiate all contatct. All times we meet its fun, but NOT flirty. Last time she met, she indicated she wanted to take things slow.

 

Phase 4 : I went in for the kiss last night, after a night of fun, but no relationship talking..and got the cheek. Ouch.

 

Soooo..now I realize ...I'm in the friendzone! Or AM I?

 

Could she still be unsure about things (and still taking it slow), or , have I truly entered the friendzone?

 

If she really wanted to be with me, would she not have reciprocated a kiss?

 

I have a "date" tomorrow night with her - perhaps its time to tell her, that despite all my efforts of taking things slow, I don't want to be just her friend. Perhaps some self respect is in order here - and I have to realize that I'm probably wasting my time. If she wants me, she needs to reciprocate something...if not, I have to move on - because chasiing her like this - isnt very attractive at all and certianly not taking care of myself.

[Sweet Venus]

Yoley.....it sounds to ME like it's a 'friendzone" thing. After all this time, and nothing physical happening...a woman who sees a man as a potential romantic partner

would not give you a 'cheek kiss". Not after all the opportunities of things to become more serious. A woman who wants MORE with a guy flirts. I'm not saying you're trying too hard..but definetely enough for her to not make the effort. If it were me I'd cut my losses and move on..it just seems like she's not "there" for you in the way you'd like.

[grw]

Yes my friend, you are DEEP into the "friend zone". GET OUT OF THERE!