Can "no contact" push her further away?

[myJoy]

Dilemma in need of advice. I want my ex back but am uncertain if "no contact" is right for me. Ex had left me & moved in w/ a guy who she claims to be in love w/. Our problem was that she believed that I loved my previous GF more than I love her. She also felt that I had taken her for granted. Post: link removed

 

I'm afraid that by applying the no contact rule, I might further reinforce her perception that I am not able to give her my unconditional love. My friends are advising that I should keep in contact, or she could eventually "get over me" since she might try to move on herself. There is no doubt she still has strong feelings for me. What should I do? Should I call every now & then just to say 'hi'? or stay w/ no contact rule?

 

Lastly, she comes over to pick up her mail. So far I've hugged her each time before she leaves as a sign of affection towards her – which she responds warmly to. I thought this might be a way of letting her know I still care about her without actually saying that I miss her. Should I discontinue this act?

 

myJoy

[avman]

Unfortunately you are in bad position. If she is already moved in with a new boyfriend, then contact or no contact she's moving on with her life. Your friend say she "might" move on. But in reality she IS moving on.

 

I'm afraid you may have to face the unpleasant reality that she is gone and start healing yourself. This is where no contact will help you. Then you aren't reopening old wounds over and over again.

 

It seems you've learned from the mistakes made in your relationship. And thats a good thing. That will help you a lot in your next relationship not to make those mistakes again. But focus now on healing yourself. Go ahead and grieve for the loss of the relationship. Your ex has moved on. Its time for you to do the same.

 

avman

[IMAbadman]

I totally agree with Avman.

 

Buddy forget about her. Move on and have fun life is to short. She may... she may not contact you. But you'll be in a much better situation if you move on and by some freak of astro-psycho-religion she does contact you and you're able to pleasantly chat and say "Gotta go, buh bye." Trust me, you'll feel the POWER.

[davo1066]

I'm afraid I'm inclined to agree with the others. I would say the time to have been asking this question was between when you broke up and when she moved in with the guy. It is probably still worth asking if she has feelings for you and making sure she knows how much you love her if you haven't already - what have you got to lose? The hard bit will be convincing her things will change and that you're not just after the 'benefits' part of having a gf.

 

Reason I say this is that I thought it was all over with my gf, I thought she had lost interest - she dumped me 2 months ago after admitting to cheating (kissing anyway) on me and said it just wasn't working out. Turns out she had been hurt in the past and thought I wasn't in love with her like her last bf. For about the last 4 months of the relationship she thought I wasn;t interested and basically misread every email and phone call It's taken a lot of emails and a couple of romantic dates and a lot of me admitting mistakes for her to admit all this and last night we slept together and she cried and said she loves me still. I find it hard to believe no contact would have achieved the same result. Like the others say, its more for healing yourself.

[myJoy]

Is it possible that she has really moved on if she still calls to check on me? She has also insisted that she will keep visiting me despite her new bf's objections. she even told him I would always be in her life. My female friends tell me when they move on, they don't even want to see their ex. She still wears stuff that I had given her - such as our personalized anniversary gift, jewelry, etc. She cried the last time I hugged her. We were hugging tightly in silence.

 

Its hard for me to move on when my friends are telling me that she only moved in w/ him coz he is able to temporarily provide her w/ what she couldn't feel from me. Plus, she really doesn't have anywhere to stay after leaving me. She moved 420 miles from home to be w/ me (I was her 1st live-in bf), thus she really doesn't know anyone here but people from her new job (where they met).

 

My friends strongly feel that this new relationship would not last, & she would find her way back to me eventually. How do I ignore that? I've been keeping myself busy & trying to keep her out of my head. But I love her so much that I want to make sure I am doing everything right, in hope that when the freshness & excitement of this new romance dies, she will realize she is still in love w/ me. Please advice further. Thanks!

[Frodo Baggins]

I'm sorry to say, but I agree with the first response to the thread. She's pretty much moved on. True, she may greet you warmly, but that really doesn't mean anything. It's likely that she wants to keep you as a friend, and just that, because if she were truly interested in rekindling a relationship with you, she would be with you and not that other guy.

 

True, she may come back to you, but there isn't really anything you can do to make her see that. It'll be entirely up to her and how she percieves you, the best you can do is follow No Contact and make a more secure person out of yourself. That's what she fell for in the first place. And if she doesn't, she doesn't, it wouldn't be any fault of yours, it was simply something she didn't have interest in pursuing cause you can show interest all you want, but if she isn't interested, it'll all be a wasted effort. The best you can do is make a better person out of yourself apart from her, so that way if she does want to come back, you'll be able to accept her, and if she doesn't, you can accept that.

[Hopingpraying]

Myjoy,

 

Take in to consideration that she may just be giving you enough attention to keep you from moving on. That way if her current relationship does not work out she can still have you waiting in the wings for her.

 

It may not be her conscious decision, but I would be this is her way of keeping her control over you.

 

You have to realize that she does not want to see you dating other people no more than you want to see her date..

 

Hope this gives you another angle to think about.

[myJoy]

Thanks for the comments guys. I think I understand now that she has moved on, and I need to do the same. I realize that no matter what I do, or what strategy I utilize, it would not make her change her mind. If she decides she wants to come back down the road, she would do so when she chooses – and not a result of my action.

 

I believe that "no contact" is a great strategy – if not for anything else, it would be good for me. I began to indulge in activities that would keep myself busy, and actually improve myself overall. As I mentioned earlier she still calls me every now & then, and would actually visit too. Should I ask her not to call me anymore? Ask her to take the rest of her stuff out of my place? And let her know that I would forward her mails? A few guys think that would be a good idea… for myself, and perhaps for her to experience loss. Would this be too drastic? Would this action ultimately destroy any chance of her coming back - if she decides to do so down the road?

[myJoy]

i finally came to the conclusion that no contact will not push your ex further away.

 

since i am certain that she has some feelings for me, i can also be certain that she would think about me every now & then. This is clearly evident by the phone calls she would make every week - just to check on me. now it doesn't mean that she is questioning her decision, it just means that she is keeping a backup (not intentionally).

 

i've been on no contact for 1 mth now since we broke up. i am hoping by keeping my distance she may eventually realize what she's missing. and if that doesn't happen, i would have moved on by then.

[myJoy]

this no contact thing is much harder than i thought. the other day, i was trying to convince myself that the next time she comes over I am going to tell her not to call me anymore, to remove the rest of her stuff from my place, & give me her set of my house keys.

 

however, here i am... its been a week since she last called. and i am staring at my phone wondering why she hasn't called yet. i can't help but wonder what is she thinking at this point?