Inventing conflict??

[paintedfish]

So, to start this out, my boyfriend has given me NO reason to be scared of him. He is compassionate, gentle, mature, and very tolerant. I know this... he proves it to me every time I freak out. And freak out, I do. Sometimes I can't shake the paranoid feelings that he secretly hates me and is just trying to get me to trust him so he can laugh at how stupid I am. Other times, I feel like he looks at me and thinks I don't deserve him, and thoughts like "who does she think she is, walking around in my shirt?" It gets to the point where I'm sobbing on the floor because he told me he loves me, because I feel like it's a lie to hurt me. It makes my chest feel like it's about to explode.

 

 

We have normal times, where we joke and cuddle and love each other equally. Usually its the best relationship I've ever been in. I recently lost my job because the restaurant I worked for closed down, and so now Im looking, and he's basically supporting both of us. I feel like I'm not allowed to eat his food, or sleep in his bed because Im not worthy, and so I tell him I'm not hungry/tired. And he usually guesses what's really going through my mind. And he tells me things like "Relax, because I love you and what's mine is yours. You're hurting me more by not eating with me than by eating stuff you think as 'mine' only." I know my freak outs hurt him, and make him feel like he's doing something wrong, but I feel like I can't control them.

 

 

Does this happen to anyone else?? I don't want to sabotage what I have with him....

[pumpkinmoon]

I think you need to sort this out now before you actually do lose him. There is only so much a person can tollerate. The good thing is that you realise that what you are doing is wrong.

[Scorpion Fury]

LOL, I love your avatar.

 

Your insecurities will destroy your relationship if you let them. Do you know why you do this? Have you been burned in the past?

 

I can almost guarantee you this guy is not secretly tricking you into thinking he loves just to have a laugh at your expense. Have you ever been to counseling?

[paintedfish]

Haha, yes. It has to be one of my favorite cat pictures of all time.

 

 

 

Um... yeah I have been to counselling, didn't have the best luck with it (long story), and he supported me when I decided to stop going/stay off my medication, that it turns out I really didn't even need.

 

I haven't really been burned in the past. With one exception I never let anyone get close enough to me to have any effect on my emotions. So with my boyfriend I'm like a fish out of water. I want to please him, and make sure he feels as loved and appreciated as I do, and somehow that desire gets turned into something negative and scary.

[Scorpion Fury]

You gotta figure out how to let all this go somehow. It's the only way. What about the counseling did you not like? Can you work through it on your own?

[Breaking Away]

my fiance has it in his head that i'm out to hurt him- plotting some secret revenge for what i don't know.

 

get your head together- read about insecurities, jealousy and obesessive thoughts- read about anxiety... do whatever it takes to end this nonsense... it will kill your relationship.

 

i'm on the other side of that- my fiance doesn't believe i love him so he insists i'm cheating on him- i'm not- i'm very much in love with him- but every time he freaks out- he pushes me away a little further each time.

 

get your head together-

[paintedfish]

Well, go figure... I felt I couldn't trust my counselor (because she sent me to the hospital due to a misunderstanding) and I thought my psychiatrist hated me... I want to believe I can work out my issues on my own. But the feelings are so REAL. At the time, I know for a FACT that he hates me, you know? Everything becomes twisted. I just need something to pull myself out of it once it gets started, and I can't think of anything.

[Scorpion Fury]

Well, go figure... I felt I couldn't trust my counselor (because she sent me to the hospital due to a misunderstanding) and I thought my psychiatrist hated me... I want to believe I can work out my issues on my own. But the feelings are so REAL. At the time, I know for a FACT that he hates me, you know? Everything becomes twisted. I just need something to pull myself out of it once it gets started, and I can't think of anything.

 

Maybe a different counselor? Did the last one diagnose you with anything?

[Breaking Away]

Well, go figure... I felt I couldn't trust my counselor (because she sent me to the hospital due to a misunderstanding) and I thought my psychiatrist hated me... I want to believe I can work out my issues on my own. But the feelings are so REAL. At the time, I know for a FACT that he hates me, you know? Everything becomes twisted. I just need something to pull myself out of it once it gets started, and I can't think of anything.

 

i don't think you can handle this on your own... i think you may need medication to help sort out your thoughts and clear your mind.

 

my fiance dscribes having the same feelings. he said it feels so real and he can't help it.

 

if you love your boyfriend- stop denying him love by always questioning his love for you-

[paintedfish]

They tried to diagnose me with a few things, and none of them fit. My time in the hospital and in therapy made me feel like (to be cliche) just another number, another check to be cashed, another hysterical young girl that they've seen too many of. I don't want to be looked at like that. My medication made me sleep around 16 hours a day. I can't afford therapy at the moment anyway. So its sort of a non-option.

 

 

I just need some kind of solid, irrefutable thought to pull me out of my paranoia. I need substantial proof that it's all in my head. And I can't tell if that's asking for the impossible or not.

[Breaking Away]

you can't get proof of an abstract thought-

 

and you can't expect anyone to provide with you proof.

 

you just have to believe and trust.

 

an analogy i give myself-

 

i have NEVER held a million dollars in my hand...EVER.

 

but yet i believe it exists because i see $1 bills everywhere.

 

you have a man who lives with you $1- you have a man who supports you $1... when you look at everything you have... eventually you believe that a million dollars does exist.

 

you can't expect HIM to provide you with proof he loves you- that is A LOT to ask someone.

 

trust me- i'm going through it- i told my fiance i would stick by him no matter what- but i don't know how much longer i can hold on- it hurts to have your love denied.

[paintedfish]

I didnt mean I want HIM to prove it. He already has proved it as much as anyone ever could. I can't ask anything more from him. And I can say that confidently right now, but when I see him in an hour or two, I can't even be sure of my own actions.

 

When I'm feeling good, which is the majority of the time, I compliment him, help him out, joke and laugh with him, the whole 9 yards, and he loves it. We are smiling and goofing off 90% of the time.

 

I just wanted to know if anyone has gone through these thoughts and found a way to conquer them. It is certainly no fun on either side.

 

Something my mom told me recently has started to stick in my mind, that no one will be able to stand me for very long, and most boyfriends I try to get involved with will get sick of me and the way I am very quickly. So I guess I need to do serious work on changing me, but I don't know how, and I can't go back to therapy. So I'm seeking advice here... desperately. I already know I need to change. I know that something is wrong, and I know that it can't go on like this. That's why I'm asking for help.

[Breaking Away]

build yourself esteem and believe in yourself.

 

your problem is coming from inside of you- no one is going to be able to give you a quick fix- you have to do a lot of soul searching-

 

when you have the thoughts- what is happening? what triggers it?

 

its a process of questions - and paying attention to your inner dialogue and you have to be diligent.

 

there is no quick fix answer to help you- its inside of yourself.

[paintedfish]

How does one go about getting self esteem? I've never been able to figure that one out. I've been in positions where I'm actively doing stuff I'm very proud of, and I still question myself constantly, and feel worthless, and feel as if everyone is staring and no one likes me, etc. What's a good thought process to destroy that?

 

Usually the thoughts come on suddenly. An accidental face twitch by the person in question that makes me think they're displeased, or suddenly "realizing" that I don't deserve anything, or even, like last night, I apologized for my hands looking the way they do (which I usually think they look pretty normal, but they looked super distorted and almost dead). I've tried to think of an active trigger... maybe a guilty conscience? Because I'm not working? Not in school that makes me feel worthless? When I had both of those I still felt the same. I'm hyper sensitive to any criticism.

 

 

I do like the million dollars analogy. I think I'll try that next time.

 

 

Also, Breaking Away, I read your other post, and you've said some stuff here about it as well... maybe as someone who does the same things as your fiance, I can try to help you understand where it's coming from? Has HE sought counseling or anything of the sort? Or does he just expect you to accept it and be there for him as he bounces accusations off of you? It sounds like he's very lucky to have someone as understanding and patient in his life.

[Breaking Away]

"does he just expect you to accept it and be there for him as he bounces accusations off of you?"

 

yes- he expects me to be there for him - while he sits on his hands and looks innocent and then gets mad at me for going to people i'm close to in my life to talk to them about what is going on.

 

he has a "problem"

 

he needs help - in a big way- much worse then you- it breaks my heart - i don't have the answers for him. i wish i did.

 

to build self esteem - focus on the things you like about yourself- are you a good listener- funny- outgoing- considerate- quiet- smart - what are you good at- it doesn't have to be anything extraordinary... just thinks that make you who you are.

 

first and foremost- stop being so critical of yourself-

 

smile- all the time.

 

when your bf says he loves you and thinks you are beautiful.. believe him.

 

there is tons of information on the net on how to build your self esteem. The solutions are so simple it will blow your mind.

[paintedfish]

Thank you. You're very sweet, thank you for responding so much.

 

 

Have you checked into things such as Delusional Disorder and Paranoid Personality Disorder? Why is it he won't get help? Does he really feel like there's nothing wrong? If he did, he wouldn't be trying to fix it or apologize. What are the types of things he accuses you of?

[Breaking Away]

he does admit he has a problem...

 

but he thinks he can take care of it on his own- he cant.

 

there isn't enough memory space for me to tell you all of the things he has accused me of.

 

I have researched up the wazoo- there isn't anything i can do... he has a problem .. and i have to face it- and it hurts.

[paintedfish]

Have you tried (and Im pretty sure you have, as you seem at your wits end) saying something like

 

"You have to see that I love you more than anything, you're the man of my dreams. And as the person who loves you, it hurts me to see you in such doubt and fear all the time. If I were guilty of the things you say, and in this for myself, I would just say something like "you're crazy, stop saying those things" and brush you off. But I've stayed by your side, and I will continue to do so. That includes getting you the help you might need to sort out where these thoughts keep coming from." Then offer to go to couples counseling, or regular counseling but go in the room or hang out in the lobby till it's over. It won't do any good to make him feel weak or crazy, but rather offer it as a chance for freedom and self-discovery... you know? He has to have noticed that it isn't stopping through his own efforts, and he can't expect you to give him 50 years to get it under control.

[Breaking Away]

i have said that almost word for word- we have been to counseling- the counselor suggested he go on his own- he wanted to go to her- he had the approval for two weeks- he never called her to make the appt.

[paintedfish]

If you think it goes beyond insecurity and immaturity... and he has definite, disruptive mood swings, and these factless delusions, then he needs help. Are there any family members or friends you can get together on your side too sit down and talk to him? Make him see that he's in the wrong while still showing you care?

 

 

I'll tell you this. I had been having mood swings, violent outbursts, and flat out "there's someone else in the room trying to kill me" hallucinations while I was with my ex. It took him leaving me, and the horrible downspiral that caused to make me keep a therapy appointment, and even then my roommate had to take me to the office because otherwise I would not have gone. While there is support, there's no reason to help yourself because you have all the help you need in a convenient package of someone who swore to stand by you.

 

The hard part is that I don't ever plan on getting back with my ex, no matter how supportive he was, because we didn't work out, and sometimes when someone is close to unbearable to be around, that happens. But I'm a better person in this relationship, and I realize my mistakes, and Im trying like heck to correct them. If he's actively shutting you out, there comes a point where there just isn't any more you can do.

 

 

Another example is my brother is addicted to Oxycodon (which is synthetic heroin more or less). My parents have checked him in to rehab numerous times, which takes a huge financial and emotional toll. They love him unconditionally, and want nothing more than him to be better... but he doesn't want to go to rehab, he says he can get better on his own, in his own time. And with that attitude, he WON'T get better. He lives with my dad, lying in bed all day. He sells drugs to support his habit with no consquences. So, really, where is his motivation to quit? My parents love him, and fear without them he'd be out on the street. They don't want to lose him so they avoid taking the only step necessary to kick him in the butt and get him to help himself. Which is being on his own. Realizing that the way he is doesn't work for a normal life, won't work for normal social interactions. See my point? I hope that makes sense...

[Breaking Away]

i see your point- and thats my dilemma.. do i give him tough love and say - get it together- or go.. or do i stand by him and prove my loyalty

 

either way i lose.. either way its a battle- either way it hurts.

[paintedfish]

It will hurt, but it's hurting right now AND keeping you both in a rut. Haven't you already proved your loyalty?? Did it help enough to help him? To make him stop and make him better? Ya know?

 

If my boyfriend felt like you do right now, about me, and was desperately seeking outside help because he couldn't get through to me with reason... I'd want him to tell me to clean up my act, and if I couldn't, or wouldn't, do it for him, I'd want him to get away for his own sake, so he doesn't get dragged down with me.

[Breaking Away]

i have told him... everything you are suggesting has been said.

 

i'm hurting so much .. and i wish he would just trust me.

 

one. simple. little thing.

 

trust me.

 

he can't-

 

i am one of the most trustworthy people.

 

its all because of how our relationship started-

[paintedfish]

Ahh, yeah I just read that post. You said he feels like your home... that when youre in his arms you feel safe... but you don't. You don't feel safe around him. Both of you have such guilt about how you started, and he's already cheated on someone, so he feels like that's the way everyone is, more or less. You want him to trust you but you don't trust him? You either need to show him the faith that you want him to give you or just cut your losses. You can't expect to be over love in 2 months, especially if they want you back as well. You keep breaking up for a reason. My ex and I broke up continuously. We'd be miserable after 2 months, and we'd keep in close contact, and always be jealous of what the other was doing, and send songs back and forth, and pine and generally be so miserable we HAD to get back together. He was my rock and my home and the one I loved, and he said I was his soul mate.

 

Flashforward after our final breakup, where he finally said "we will NEVER be together again." I believed him, and it broke me. I failed out of my classes, lost my job, scarred up my body so badly I can't wear shorts ever again without getting stares.

 

Flashforward again, I was still in pieces when I met my current boyfriend, but we took it slow, and we became good friends while I gathered back up the pieces of myself, and got over my ex. I took all the mistakes I made, all the guilt and nonsense about Karma and left it with my ex in the past. Lo and behold, my ex contacted me a month ago telling me that I was his home, and his only love, and he needed me back... but after hearing the words I had wanted to for so long, I realized I had moved on. I could think without that love overwhelming me and I could see we just weren't right for each other. And now, I'm happier than I ever would have been with him. The love was there, everything was there, except the trust and the circumstance. We never trusted each other. I never let him close, and we were constantly jealous of every little thing.

 

The cut from someone you love when its something neither wants takes an inhuman amount of strength, and requires even more in the months to come to not give in, and remember why it just can't possibly work out right now. Something isn't right, doesn't click. That person becomes a constant reminder of sins you'd rather forget, and every day is a fight. You don't deserve that. These feelings aren't Karma biting you in the butt for having human emotions. They're just that. Emotions. Your heart is telling you to stay because even if the bad outweighs the good, the good is so GOOD. But it can be that good with someone else, without the bad.

 

 

Be more kind to yourself.