The ongoing saga of Rich_1517 - really angry

[rich_1517]

i post my name so if you are bored with my story you can ignore it.

 

well its down to one week and its been a journey.

 

its week seven of two months. apparrently i had my math wrong she said march 15th.

 

 

well i just changed this post to reflect where i am.

 

i am angry at her and myself. god do we give away power! i am so angry that i let her run over my feelings this way. who did i pick for a mate?

 

true she did not ask me to wait but her calling, coming by when i was clearly wanting an answer was wrong!!!. i know what i am feeling is normal as i take stock in the last seven weeks and the desperation i felt.

 

man did i pick a winner. though i have loved her a lot, and if we could find each other again i would marry her. i am furious that she could be cavalier with my feelings in this way (Mar, Avman, Etc, dont start cheering, i know you were waiting for this

 

how could i allow it? it was inconsiderate at best, cruel at worst but even worse than that she didnt think it through at all. she let me lift her up and took the opportunity to be cavalier about it. When she called yesterday to ask if i would hang out with her and her son, i asked if she had read the letter, she said "she skiimed it!" it wasnt long maybe eight paragraphs.

 

when i told her i had come a long way to get to her, that my self respect was involved now, that the changes i was making were making it hard to wait. she said "you want to start playing with your new toy?" meaning me.

 

I know she is emotionally insulated but i am a fool. i am furious that i did this to myself, and allowed her to take advantage of it.

 

if we backtrack, i was depressed and had hit bottom after i cam home from NJ, i had put my father who has been my best friend into a demenita care facility. I needed her, i lost my best friend and she was the anchor i needed. my confidence and self respect were at all time low.

 

i am incensed that i couldnt throw a safety net up, but i was hurting and it took all my energy not to obsess, or do something foolish.

 

So now i am faced with the fact that i have offered marriage, made changes and offered more to someone who is "non chalant" about me, deciding.

 

though it is now down to a week I am ready to send an email that says.

 

"take as long as you want to decide. I am not waiting. I do not see a week making any difference in your feelings towards me. i meant everything i said and my committment was real, perhaps to late to do any good but it was honest and from the heart.

 

you have giving me no reason to stay and while you say one week is all that is left, i cannot see what one week will change in the the abscense of feelings you seem to have. I made a major committment to you, i was not expecting the world to collapse at that, but i cannot see you saying "come live with me" at this point.

 

I no longer wish to swing in the breeze of your indecision, especially when its my future and self respect in the balance."

 

so anyone want to stop me? i will do nothing for two days but i have reached my breaking point.

 

Arrrgggghhhhh

[Spartan1]

Hi Rich,

 

I can feel for you my friend and can understand were you are coming from. My wife, became cold when she wanted out of "marriage" anyway she could. I will be objective as I can in what little advice I can give you.

 

First of all. I would advice not to send the letter. I know you feel angry, annoyed that she can treat your feelings with no regard, that she skimmed over something you put your heart and soul into. I know the feeling. There is a frustration that builds up inside when through conscious effort you have improved yourself, to show someone how much you have changed and they just seem emotionally void in response. It feels like she has the power and there is only one way to break that power. The sheer frustration comes from the fact you have changed and they do not believe you or care if you have.

 

Do not go in reverse. Just leave it be. Stay calm and walk away from the situation if you can. Somehow, through the emotional rollercoaster, you got to set yourself several goals that do not involve her at all. It is difficult but you got to do it. As you said yourself, the last thing you want to do is obsess about it, but that to is a phase most people go through when they don't want to break up.

 

Think of it this way. Every time she gets a reaction from you concerning the relationship, be it a letter, a phone call, the "have you thought about it?" question...she gains power which means you give a little bit more of yourself away.

 

Each situation is different. Yours, mine, everyones. But when someone shuts down emotionally it is time to do the same and leave them to get on with it, after all it is their choice to leave the relationship. Keep calm though and don't get angry, it will work against you.

 

In order to get back on track, it is a question of doing nothing in order to achieve something and that something is re-building yourself.

 

Sometimes, to get back the feeling of dignity and strength you have to use the strongest form of communication of all and that is by not saying anything and not responding to her actions.

 

It's like in battle or chess - do not let the enemy decide your actions, stay confident, be nice and keep a smile on your face masking every bit of pain and anger you feel. Everytime you are feeling down, think of how angry you felt when she said she skimmed through the letter, use this strength to focus on yourself and show yourself how you have the strength to live life without her and still have those changes as part of you.

 

I bet you do send the letter though, having been their myself. Everything cries out to you, that what you are doing you need to do. Do not fall in to the trap of sending her letter after letter, to her they will be a reminder of "not the changes you made" which is how you see it, but "the reasons she left in the first place". I didn't figure it out till the last minute but that's love for you when you are in the situation and not on the outside looking in as I am today.

 

There is only one week to go. Just let things run their natural course but when the time comes just walk away and stay calm. No point in pre-emting anything because guaranteed, soon as you send the letter, you will feel like you have torpedo any chance you did have, then will reverse again. Why do that? Just stay the course for one more week. If it does not work out, leave with a quiet dignity.

 

Keep a stiff upper lip as us Brits say.

 

Best of luck Rich. I hope things do work out for you.

[rich_1517]

thanks guys

i do not know what i will do. having been able to avoid impulsive behaviour and let the process of first stage depression, denial come and go i am now in anger. hopefully acceptance comes next, a much better place to operate from.

 

I may do nothing. but you guys are awesome. i have now learned to take something from everyone and then let it sit for a while so pour it on.

 

but this post and my current emotions i know are the balance coming back and i have honor that.

[rich_1517]

one thing i realised early on was a "deciding period" was the most dangerous solution to the relationship.

 

someone may have adivsed her well. it allows for emotional ping pong to occur and remorse, regret, but not action. it gives the i miss you no chance to really be effective.

 

its one of the best exit plans. its borderline cruel to the dumpee but very effective for the dumper. she has had enough access to me to feel loved, definitely loss of contact on any real level with me but.

 

her emotional distance which was actually here when i returned two weeks before break up and i couldnt really see was growing. during the first week of the break up we kissed and she liked it a lot. then by week three she said no kissing, then week seven gives me my stuff.

 

now all those things could mean nothing, or could be saynig she didnt know how to let go and needed the time to do it. that she knows i am not the one, but has been with me so long she didnt know how to deal with the time. so two months, a safety net for her feelings while she built herself stronger against me.

 

i have to, i must get stronger to let this go.

[Spartan1]

Your doing well mate. It is strange how we hit highs and lows when going through a seperation. That bloody "what if she/he says X, W, Z?" drove me completely nuts. Then you go through that whole, writing a conversation in your mind thing.

 

I hate that. At the end of the day. You have to think to yourself, who is running my life, me or her? You have to play smart which is hard to do when you are in sight of the finish line because you do not really want to go through that last 200 yard dash, you want to be at the finish line now, layed out on the stretcher, with a drink and knowing whatever the answer is - yes or no. You just want to know.

 

But. And here is the trick. If you can turn that 200 yard run into one of strength so you power accross that line with ethusasium and a beaming smile on your face, knowing you have learnt from the whole experience you will have ten times more confidence.

 

You can wave at her as you run on past. And you never know, she might just begin to run after you?!? Who knows.

 

One thing is guaranteed though. Flogging the "finish line" metaporh to death a little bit more - if you run up to the finish line with shoulders hunched, looking tired, emotional and not at your best, even angry at the fact you had to run the race in the first place. You will not be that attractive to her. Show her what she is missing as you bounce accross the finish line.

 

It's hard to pull off, but I think you can do it. She knows you love her, she knows you have changed, she knows you want to marry her. She knows all that. Think of it this way, imagine if you had sent the letter and you got a nil response or another I skimmed through the letter response? No need to put yourself through that again. And this is coming from a man who, unwittingly sacrificed himself on the Altar of I Have Changed I Want Kids and Family with a miraculous seventeen page letter detailing how I missed her, how I had changed, all the good times, the lot. I done a brillant job of putting up a case for not getting back together because I had covered topics which were not even an issue. Two things I learned, the first was letters are nice when timed right but they have to be done for the right purpose at the right time and for the right reason. Not something that is easy to decide when you are in the situation yourself at the time. The second thing was, reversing your decision while in seperation when you are hoping to get back together, is a game that will only back fire on you. There is little to no point to it unless you really really have no intention, all for the sake of one week?

 

Keep your chin up Rich. Your doing good mate and as with all things there is probably no right or wrong way to do it. But personally, I just would not go down the letter writing route one week away from the finish line.

[GeeCee]

Rich - Spartan has said all there is to say. You are doing good - real good - and I agree with Spartan - you would achieve nothing by sending that letter now. It is merely adding more pressure on her.

 

You have got to go the distance now - painful as that is, and let her make her decision.

 

We are all behind you.

 

G xx

[rich_1517]

thanks everyone, this board has saved me quite a bit of stress and strain. allowing me to vent without doing it to her. I needed to get angry and express it here and to a friend. becuase i am/was.

 

i am actually thinking of something new here. this may inflame some but hear me out.

 

the deadline approaches. the pressure is building her, a lot is actually off of me.

 

what if i say, its ok if you need more time, i understand.

 

she has asked if i will do something with her and her son. so maybe i will. no relationship talk, just dinner and a movie.

 

this serves two purposes. it begins to take the pressure off of her, but also off of me, i can begin to just focus on my life and not get worked up about this.

 

lets face it, she isnt here now and the longer she isnt the easier it is getting to let go. if i buy myself more time i may be in a much better place to hear no, yes, and i dont know.

 

Thoughts?