The Double Whammy.... breakup, and impending death of my Mom

[LostinVan]

Hi Folks.

 

I've been reading this forum for hours, and maybe it's time to post my story.

 

I've been with the same woman for 11 years. We moved in 10 years ago, and have shared a very eventful life together. The first few years were great - we discovered new things about each other, we enjoyed each others' company, and we were friends.

 

As the years went on, we lost much of friendship, but still professed love to each other. We had our fights, and they seemed to escalate as time went on. I was not a nice person at times. (I'll detail this a bit more below).

 

My partner's father became ill with a life-threatening disease about 6 years ago. Because of this, we moved to a suburb of Vancouver (Richmond) to be closer to him, but I hated the move - I have lived all my life in dense urban environments and to live in suburbia was a huge blow to me emotionally, but I coped with it while her Dad's illness progressed. I was with her when she lost him, and did my best to comfort her.

 

But as the months wore on, I started resenting my situation and where we lived, and our life together. I never resented or hated her... just the situations we were in. A big downer of my emotional makeup is I cannot express things in the right way when I am aggravated or upset, and again, as the years passed from her father's death, I shut down, became unapproachable at times, and even got to the point where she was afraid to talk to me. My problem is, I didn't realise it at the time.

 

Our fights increased to the point where we were having a major one every couple of weeks. The typical scenario was this - we'd make up from a fight. Things would be good for a few days - we would laugh, enjoy short times together, cuddle in bed (separating sex from affection), talk, and be good with each other. Then something would happen - some trigger event that would put me in a shell, and we would talk and communicate less and less over the next few days, then eventually, another trigger event (ie, she would do something inconsequential, or I would) would create a massive, yelling fight. We'd seethe at each other for a day or less, but most times, it would be her saying sorry, not me. Sometimes, I'd be so upset, I would commence the activity of packing to leave. At those times, I thought I had the intention of leaving, but recently, I've come to the realization it was a defence mechanism, and I never wanted to leaver her... just the situation I was in.

 

I should note that I've never cheated on her, and as far as I know, she's never cheated on me.

 

Carry it on to the last six months. My Mom has cancer. It's incurable, and we knew by September that she was going to die from it, barring a genuine miracle. In that time, my partner's support of my emotions was good, but it declined as time went on. In fact, some of the fights we had in the last few months involved me whining about not feeling any support from her at times.

 

About 4 weeks ago, I got the call from my Dad that my Mom was about to go. She's in a hospice accross the country, and I immediately booked a flight the next morning to go be by my Mom's side.

 

A few days later, my partner flew out as well. Because of the emotional state I was in, I was not pleasant company for her. But she tolerated it.

 

We were there together for a week at my Mom's side, and it became apparent that a) we still didn't know when my Mom would depart, and b) that my partner needed to get back to Vancouver to work (as did I), so we booked her flight back. I stayed.

 

While I was alone for the next two weeks, still maintaining a vigil by my Mom's side, it was the longest I've ever been away from my partner. I did a lot of thinking. I realized, for the first time in my life, how lousy I was in our relationship. I realized that my partner was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with (I had doubts for years on this). I also realized I needed to make some major lifestyle changes and become best friends again with my partner. I loved her, and I needed to (if you'll excuse the cliché) fall in love with her again. In those two weeks, I resolved to make some major changes in my life.

 

After three weeks away from Vancouver (and my jobs), I was starting to think I would have to say goodbye to my Mom, and get back. I made a call to my partner on the previous Friday (a week ago), and she sort of broke it to me - she had a chance to do a lot of thinking, and she thought we should break up, and that I should stay where I was for now, with my Mom.

 

For two days, I was in agony that was tenfold what it was even a day before. Could I save my relationship? Do I want to say bye to my Mom before she's gone (the next time I would see my Mom is at her funeral - that's how close things were). What was the most important thing right now to me.

 

Then I remembered back to the start of my relationship with my partner - I professed my love to her, and told her "this is how much I love you - if it came down to a choice between saving my Mom, or saving you from a burning building, I would choose you.". Corny, I know, but that's the driving thought I had. I had come to, in my mind, a choice - go back to Vancouver and say the things I had been thinking for two weeks and stay with the person I wanted to share the rest of my life with, or stay where I was and see my Mom's final days.

 

I chose to go back to Vancouver. I chose her, my partner.

 

I came back, and we had a long talk the night I came back. I told her everything I thought. I told her that I was a changed person, this was a life changing thing. I told her I chose her over my Mom, the way I promised years ago. I asked her to give me one last chance to redeem things, to fall in love again. I told her I wanted to become best friends again with her.

 

I also told her that in this difficult time with my Mom, I chose one person to be my support and my lifeline - her - my partner. I needed that desperately.

 

She agreed to one last chance. I should note here, she's never tried to break up with me before - it's always been me threatening it in our most heated moments.

 

I also told her that one resolution I had was utter honesty with her, and I told her all the times I threatened to break up, pack my bags, go, etc etc was a defense mechanism, and I didn't mean it.

 

I also said that the few times I told her I hated her were the worst moments of my life, and that I never meant them. She was also honest with me - she said she didn't know if she could believe me.

 

The next three days were hairy - I felt like I was walking on needles. I gave her space, I considered all her needs and thoughts and tried to respond to them. But I missed one very big thing: She didn't want to be with me any longer.

 

I came home tonight to find this letter:

 

Dear __________

I thought I should leave you a note to tell you that I'm leaving. I can't work things out in my mind, and I am positive that I can't be with you. I love you, but I can't be with you. I looked back at all the years we had together, and while I don't regret them, I also don't see an awful lot of good things either.

 

Please don't worry about me, since I'm not going far away or anything. I just can't stay in the same house as you, because you don't understand what's wrong, and that you can't fix it.

 

I am sorry to hurt you like this, but I feel I have no choice. I've tried to talk to you. I've thought out everything logically and very carefully.

 

I don't want to marry you.

I don't want to have kids with you.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life with you.

 

I know you've been trying. I recognize that you want to change. My problem is I can't change. And you don't see things that count in my book, and that's what pains me.

 

I'll still be your friend, but I think we both need the distance. My presense and my actions around you is only hurting you more.

 

Always your friend,

 

This was the letter I found when I got home tonight. She's gone. She won't answer phone calls (I tried twice, and gave up).

 

Here's where my mind is right now. I love her so much, I will give her what she wants - release. She said it clearly - she doesn't want to be with me as a lover and partner. I'm surprised how quickly I came to accept that this evening.

 

But my Mom's situation is ongoing, and is literally a day to day thing, and I need a friend. I needed her in that role more than as a lover or partner. I am completely devastated by this evening - not because I lost the person I knew only a few days ago I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and have kids with, but because I lost the sole friend I wanted to count on during this terrible time in my life. I have other friends, but none of them know me as well as she does. There is none among them that I feel I can go to, to talk and get emotional help regarding the impending loss of my Mom.

 

I guess what I'm looking for here in the forum is both an outlet (hence the long story), but also some advice. Right now all I want is a friend, and I want my longtime partner to fill that void. We have a large house, we both work from the house (she teaches kids in a separate building behind the house, I work most days from home in my design and photography job), and I am very willing to go the "roommate route" and move into a different bedroom, and to give her what she wants - the end to the partner/relationship. But I need her as a friend. I don't know how I'll manage the next few days and weeks without it.

 

Lost in Vancouver...

[raggamuffin]

I am really really sorry to hear about your Mum, I have recently lost someone extreamly close and I know that it is very important to have the people around you who love you the most to deal with the emotional roller coaster that you go on watching someone who means so much to you but knowing you cant help them.

 

My advice to you regarding your partner or ex partner is to put aside the fact that she has apparently broken up with you. Just for now at least. Tell her that you dont expect anything from her right now no kids no marraige just a friend to help you through the hard times. Then when you have had time to grieve for your mum maybe approach the topic again.

 

I have to believe that everything happens for a reason and I have to believe that my loved one died for a reason, maybe your mum is holding on so your partner does help you and it can bring you closer together. I hope this is what she is doing. Sometimes we cant understand why these things happen but there is always a reason behind it.

[kuhl282000]

Hello

 

I read your post in detail.......and i'm very sorry for your loss and your pain. I think we all have lost someone very special in our lives at one point or another. I know I have. You have done some soul searching of late and that is a great thing. And when you get the puzzle to the point you know where the pieces go......Woop's you lose one really important piece. I do believe timing is everything, and in your case. your mother being close to death brings one to sometimes a new awakening. your mother was not only dying, but you were dying deep down inside. And the time you took to go be with your mother, also gave you the time to sort some things out for yourself. In this case, your time apart also gave your partner time to sort out things that were bothering her. I read her letter, and it sounded pretty clear to me how she felt. That must hurt you very much. I understand what you are going through, and try and understand being rejected like this is playing with your self esteem. The past is the past, and things both said and done are hard for some people to forgive and forget. You said you used to threaten to leave, we'll your partner only did what you said you were going to do all along. She saw a perfect time to put her plan into action. Timing is everything in relationships, and in your case for you it was bad timing. Try to accept the fact that it is over (at least for now....don't rely on false hope) and go through the grieving process and heal. Become the person you were soul searching for. Please do yourself a favor and don't try and contact her.

You have already left messages, she knows where you live and how to contact you. She said she will be your friend, give her all the time she needs. But I suggest you attend to your Mother for now, and get yourself together this has to be really hard.....like you said a double whammy......the same thing happened to me over the holidays, and that is why i'm taking the time to write to you. I have been where you are at right now. My ex is gone, and she is not coming back, i have moved on and am now seeing someone new. and the truth is it is alot better than with the ex. My father has passed on and I heal everyday, and things get a little clearer. I have no contact with my ex at all. If you get honest with yourself, you said it was really not that good your relationship. You said you wanted to spend the rest of your life with this lady. But in the letter she said differend about you. Sounds like you guys were not on the same sheet of music. Savor the good times you had, and let the rest go. Do not beg her to come back to you, you will sound desperate and no woman wants desperate. Trust me she has to be feeling real guilty packing up and moving and leaving you a note while you were tending to your dying mother. So think about that, for her to do this must have been hard and something she really had to do just to save herself. So let it go my hurting friend, take it slow and heal yourself. Get a new life, because i promise you she will. Don't hang on, it will only hurt more. I know as you said it sounds corny but it does get better. you will need to fill the time void. Some people come into our lives and stay awhile, some a little longer but very few stay forever. you guys had your shot, and you will have another shot maybe not with her. But you will love again. That is a promise. and you won't make the same mistakes again. That is what I believe to be the learning experience of broken relationships....as much as it hurts. We somehow grow and get stronger from it, even though at the time we are blinded by the pain. Take things really slow right now, and heal. you can pm me anytime if you want to just chat. I'm here for you brother. I really have been where your at. So I really understand what you are going through. Took me between 3 to 5 months. Stay bust, go out with friends. I a lot to kill the pain. It just drained my bank account. Rest and be kind to you right now, and try not to think about her. and when you start catching yourself you will realize you need to stop. But what ever you do leave her alone. if you feel you need closeure, write a short letter....no begging....just tell her she can call on you if she ever needs your help for anything. Be strong !!!!!

 

Warm Regards

Kuhl

8) 8) 8)

[sporstergrl]

I kow exactly how you feel. Two days after my boyfriend broke up with me, the nursing home my mother is in told us to call i hospice and to start planning her funeral. To add this on top of a breakup is devastating. I am in the same position you are. If you need support your in the right place. Feel free to PM me if you'd like to discuss the whole grief and loss thing

[sckoobs]

I won't pretend to fully understand what you are going through but I can tell it must be a very stressful time.

 

I love my mother - without her I would not be where I am today, so I can understand from that perspective, what it must be like to loose her.

 

I've never had a partner, at least not one worth mentioning, but I would follow kuhl282000's advice regarding sending her a letter or something. I think she has said in no uncertian terms that she doesn't want to be with you like that, so tell her that you understand that its over. Don't be reminisent, because that will cloud her's and your judgement, from the sounds of it, what your relationship needs is closure.

 

Remember; what doesn't kill you makes you stronger - you are gonna be one hell of a strong person after this. In the mean time, mourn for your mother and then start rebuilding yourself.

[LostinVan]

Kuhl, everyone, thank you for your kind words and support. It just amazes me how much solace I've gotten from complete strangers from this forum - both directly (responses to this thread) and indirectly (just reading and reading).

 

I've come to a point where I feel several things.

 

a. I will let her go if that's what I have to do.

b. I will attempt to practice the no contact rule

 

And c - the most important one. I love my Mom dearly, and I've been doing a lot of thinking about this situation. My Mom saw (sees) my ex as a daughter - not because of her being my spouse, but because there's also a geniune connection and affection there, outside of my ex being "my partner" to my Mom. My Mom loved my ex unlike any of my brothers' partners - my ex was the one my Mom openly called "the daughter I never had".

 

My ex has feelings for my Mom - intense feelings, a definite love and affection. She sees both my Dad and my Mom (long separated, but still friends and a love like brother and sister) as surrogate parents. That hasn't changed. She even called my Dad a couple of days ago just to talk to him, see how he was doing, and to talk about our breakup (my Dad, bless his heart, isn't telling me what she said beyond that - he loves her like a daughter, and betraying her trust is something he won't do).

 

What I'm doing right now is robbing her of displaying that affection and final actions regarding my Mom... I'm resolved to stop robbing my ex of that. I want my ex to go beyond me and her, our relationship, and to live the feelings she has without worry about me being a cling on, or making her uncomfortable. I need to grieve and I need a close friend to grieve with (my natural choice is my ex). But as a sign of how I've changed and possibly become a better person, I want to let my ex have the "space" away from me to grieve. If we can grieve together, I'll get much solace from that, but I can give her space if she desires it.

 

I wrote her a letter. I trust she'll read it on Monday (see this thread for what's coming up: link removed

 

I will ask her to read the letter before we talk.

 

In it, I was upbeat, and "accepting defeat" as it were, in a good way. Basically settling the situation, addressing some logistics, and telling her I would move on, signaling the start of a "no contact" period, but also stating that for a time, the door is open (maybe that's a mistake?).

 

When it came to the part about my Mom, I wrote this:

 

 

 

I won't lie in this forum - I want to get back with her in a massive way, and I want and need her support in this time. But I've come to realise she may need some support and care as well, but the breakup is making it difficult to achieve. But at the end of the day, I just want her to be happy (my Mom's situation excluded), and I'll give her space. If she can be happy with me, Bob's your uncle, but for now, I want to give her space. Who knows how I'll feel in a day or two.

 

Here's the hardest part. I miss her so much. Maybe I'm a cad (anyone still use that word?) but my thoughts over the last few days have been almost always about my ex... I have "shut out" my Mom's situation because when I think about that, all I do is cry. When I think about my ex, I just get sad, and it seems the better of the two.

 

Man, this sucks.

 

LostinVan.