Obsessed

[circi]

I'm hoping I'm not the only one to have ever felt this way...

 

Logically I realize that my ex and I are over, LONG over. Logically, I realize that there is absolutely zero chance of reconciliation. There is absolutely nothing he could do at this point that would make me ever be secure in a relationship with him even if he begged me to.

 

Yet, despite it all, I can't get past the feeling that we are meant to be together and it will happen eventually. It's unreasonable, illogical, and flat out unhealthy to think that way and I know this. But I do and even though it disgusts me and I find myself pathetic for feeling this way, I can't shake it.

 

I wish I could think of an accurate way to describe my feelings. I don't cry or walk around sad or anything of that nature. I just can't identify with who I am at this point. I bought a house, but I feel like a visitor here. I don't sleep well, a problem I have never ever had. I'm exhausted all the time, it's tiring living someone else's life!

 

Does any of this make sense, have any of you ever felt like this? If so, how did you snap out of it?

[Radίaηce]

sorry you feel so..."indescribable." kind of hard to give input, but maybe take some time for yourself. Be with yourself and do things you enjoy and love doing. I know the economy is crappy right now, and instead of going to a spa...why don't u treat yourself to a nice massage or something? It sounds like you need it. Take a bubble bath and relax. Bubble baths always make me feel better and age has NOTHING to do with it.

[osterfanish]

I know exactly how you're feeling. You believe that your ex is the "One Magic Person" that can make you happy. I know I still do, despite it being over for four months now, us living 600 miles apart, her seeing someone else, lying to me about it, treating me like crap, etc. The latter two things occurred because I was still in contact with her, hoping and pining for a reconciliation. She led me on for months and I let it happen by staying in contact. I became obsessed with her from an early stage because of the original game-playing and deception, then was convinced that I needed to make her "mine". So I resorted to really low tactics and behaviors to do so. I am realizing now that no can be owned and that is not what a real, true love is about, even though I still want to be with her. Letting go is the hardest part - something I haven't been able to fully do yet, but found this site a little after initiating no contact a less than 3 weeks ago.

 

Do yourself a favor and pick up a book called "Obsessive Love: When it Hurts Too Much to Let Go" by Susan Forward. link removed

 

It will help you identify and work on some the issues through things like writing/journaling, etc. And about your feelings of not walking around sad or depressed, it could be massive anxiety instead, which is what I am battling.

 

Hang in there.

[u4me]

You hit the nail on the head. I feel obsessed regarding my ex. It's been six months since the break up. I'm past the crying and dysfunctional stage, but I think about him almost every waking moment. It's so fustrating. He's with another, and has been, since the break up. I've been in touch with him since the holidays (my initiation). They are on the verge of breaking up. So, I hold on to this ridiculous hope. I don't know what I'm thinking. He had all of my trust. Now, there is none. He had all of my love. Now, I'm wondering if he loved me at all. I think my ego is seriously bruised. I'm also ticked off because he has to sneak around to speak with me on the phone or send an email - her orders. Well, she should know. That's how he came to be with her - hustling her behind my back. I know time heals all, but I'm not getting any younger. I have no desire to date - it still feals like cheating.

[Nearwater]

OSter and U4, we are all sitting in the same rowboat together with those liferings around our necks, the uss false hope. I think about my ex pretty much all the time. Have not cried in almost 3 days, we have been broke up 7 mos. and she is with someone very wrong. I live in false hope 27/7 that she will get dumped and have the grief reaction that I did and read the 6 mos. of love letters, read the poems, look at the ring she STILL wears and call. I am thinking pride and stubborness and what others think keeps her cling to old rich fat guy. (oh married too) Coming back to me would mean huge back-pedaling on mean things she told our friends and going back on never again and all that. Even though last time I saw her face to face in January she cried when she saw me and flipped out a bit.

 

All I have for now.

[Lei]

How do you get yourself to stop thinking of someone?

 

I wonder if you had allowed yourself to grieve? Yes, it may have been a bad relationship, but it was still precious, wasn't it? As with the loss of all precious things that we hold dear to our hearts, we need to allow ourselves to grieve, to cry and to mourn its loss.

 

You probably have gotten yourself woven too tightly in his life, and your identity, your *self* has become intricately intertwined with his.

 

A change of environment would be good, I think. Remove every thing that reminds you of him or the two of you as a couple. That's what I did, and it helped. Confide in 1 or 2 close friends or family member, but not more than that, as I think the more people you let in on this, the more tiresome it gets as you find yourself repeating the hows and whys again and again. But it is more important to confront your emotions and to talk about it. It's part of the healing process.

 

Okay, and if that all fails... you can get angry. Try kickboxing. It burns calories, you work out your frustrations, release some endorphins and suddenly, you feel all better. Well, it worked for me.

[thorpe]

Circi, I understand exactly how you feel, it's like you're not living your own life anymore as you feel that you should be with your ex. Time and working on yourself are the only things to do. Lei gives some sound advice and I'd add that some casual dates might help to remind you that there are other fish in the sea. But don't push that if you aren't ready.

 

Exercise is a great help as it takes the mind of your troubles and you also get fitter, it can be good socially too if you join a class. I'd recommend cycling as it gets you out and you can discover some new places.

[Tinnes]

It is normal to feel that way.

Somehow, your boddy (mind) tries to find the best way to cope with the stress.

Your feelings sometimes are not logical to you.

All you have to do is to listen to your inner voice that says that you're not going to be together, and you live your life the best you can.

After some period it's getting easier, and all the things you do have sense.

[circi]

I'm past where dating feels like cheating, but after awhile I stopped doing it because my complete lack of interest caused me to hurt a few people who didn't deserve it.

 

His sneaking around to talk to you sounds like my ex. It used to give me hope that he did so, because if things were good with her he wouldn't have the desire to talk to me enough that he'd take the chance of getting busted right?

[rapunzel]

I'm past where dating feels like cheating, but after awhile I stopped doing it because my complete lack of interest caused me to hurt a few people who didn't deserve it.

 

His sneaking around to talk to you sounds like my ex. It used to give me hope that he did so, because if things were good with her he wouldn't have the desire to talk to me enough that he'd take the chance of getting busted right?

 

Yeah, why do they feel the need to stay in contact when they are seeing someone else? Mine called a couple of weeks ago to "hang out" just 3 weeks after he showed up with new chick at our last show.

 

If I was really into someone new I was seeing, the last thing I would do would be to call my ex to "hang out", to go out to hear music together. I'd find someone else to go with or I would not go period. I guess dumpers do this to stroke their egos and as security blankets. And yes, it does lead to false hope. And if your ex had to "sneak" to do it, I just don't get why they would bother if they were so happy in their new relationship.

[circi]

Thanks for the responses everyone. I'll pick up the book that was recommended. I've done/am doing all the other suggestions and though they helped some, it obviously wasn't enough!

 

For now, I'm not dating. My complete lack of interest in anyone else resulted in my hurting some really nice guys who didn't deserve it. I don't want to do that again. I have been single more of my life than I've been in relationships. I'm not one of those girls who needs a man to be happy. Or at least I wasn't. It suddenly feels like I am.

 

I've also started not going out on the weekends. My unhappiness has developed to the point where I have lashed out and lost 2 good friends completely, and a 3rd, one of my best friends, makes excuses every time I ask to get together with her. I have made alot of new friends but I'm afraid if they spend too much time around me in the state I'm in now, they won't want to be friends for long!

 

No one has a magic answer for my problem and I'm the only one who can fix this, but after this length of time I'm really scared that time will not heal this wound.

[thorpe]

I'm past where dating feels like cheating, but after awhile I stopped doing it because my complete lack of interest caused me to hurt a few people who didn't deserve it.

 

His sneaking around to talk to you sounds like my ex. It used to give me hope that he did so, because if things were good with her he wouldn't have the desire to talk to me enough that he'd take the chance of getting busted right?

 

We've had very similar experiences although maybe my experience holds a cautionary tale. It took me a couple of years to get past the cheating feeling, but when I did date I had exactly the same reaction as you, lack of interest. I had a couple of years NC, but then got an email from the ex and since then I've given up on dating. I'm in LC with the ex, the odd email and birthday and Christmas cards, but the contact has solidified my ambivalence about dating and truly moving on.

[circi]

We've had very similar experiences although maybe my experience holds a cautionary tale. It took me a couple of years to get past the cheating feeling, but when I did date I had exactly the same reaction as you, lack of interest. I had a couple of years NC, but then got an email from the ex and since then I've given up on dating. I'm in LC with the ex, the odd email and birthday and Christmas cards, but the contact has solidified my ambivalence about dating and truly moving on.

 

 

Oh no. How long has it been for you now?

[tx01]

Why are you in so much contact with him? I know it is nice to know if the guy is still alive, but knowing all his business may be messing with your head.

 

How much of a history did you have together? Did he leave you or did you leave him?

[thorpe]

Oh no. How long has it been for you now?

 

A long long time, we broke up in 1996

 

FYI I just got an email from the ex, just a chatty thing about her work and how busy she is and thanking me

for the Valentine's card......Now I feel really good, how pathetic is that? Don't answer that!

[osterfanish]

This is exactly why I was driven to no contact with my ex as of a few weeks ago. She broke up w/ me in mid-November, we stayed in contact, giving me a false hope that we could get back together, and she immediately started seeing someone new - most likely meeting him before we broke up as well. She consistently told me that they were not together and still contacted me until I finally "snapped." Even then, she has contacted me on 3 separate occasions - twice via somewhat benign, forwarded emails from her work, to as recently as a very personal text message - all of which I have (so far) successfully ignored, despite my obsession with her.

 

I think the dumpers do indeed do this to stroke their egos and use us as security blankets - it feels nice to know someone out there is still madly in love with you, right? I don't know if my ex was necessarily sneaking around to do it, because she is not hanging out with the new guy 24/7, but she was definitely squeezing me in during regular periods of contact each week, calling me during periods of HER convenience, while running errands, on the way to the gym, weeknights alone, etc.

 

It really sucks because I still want this person in my life (mostly because I want her back), but know that it is too unhealthy for me right now. She is just oblivious to it in many ways, I guess, and would love nothing more than to receive a phone call from me asking her be my "friend" once again.

[u4me]

My guy left me for a ***** who hasn't worked since September, moved in with him days after they met because she didn't have a place to live, apparently doesn't have friends (mine wouldn't let me move accross the continent to live with someone I met days ago) and is estranged from her family. What do I have that she doesn't? Ummm...everything! I miss him terribly, but I probably dodged a bullet. He left me because she was close in proximity. Pretty high standards, don't you think?

[osterfanish]

My guy left me for a ***** who hasn't worked since September, moved in with him days after they met because she didn't have a place to live, apparently doesn't have friends (mine wouldn't let me move accross the continent to live with someone I met days ago) and is estranged from her family. What do I have that she doesn't? Ummm...everything! I miss him terribly, but I probably dodged a bullet. He left me because she was close in proximity. Pretty high standards, don't you think?

 

Sounds like in that situation it won't last, actually. If he left you for that, he has some serious issues coming his way, if not already there.

 

The thing that absolutely kills me in my situation is that my ex is with someone who is nearly her identical in terms of compatibility - at least from what I can tell about him. He has a huge online presence because of the line of work he is in as an internet web developer, and I made the mistake of digging up who and what he is all about. He seems outgoing, successful, smart, creative, works for a very high profile music company (music is my ex's nerve and soul center) - someone that I would probably like if I met him. They are the same age, have nearly identical birthdays - they even have similar ethnic roots. Knowing all of this and her refusal to admit that she is involved with him sent me over the edge, mentally. I am still in a very dark place because of 'knowing' too much and trying to get her to admit everything. I am realizing this is what obsessive love can do. We were truly in love while together, but maybe this new person is one of her soul mates.

 

I should be happy for my ex as this might be one of her soul mates, right? But a big part of me doesn't want her to be happy because of how she treated me after our break up - the lying, really, mainly because she was using me as that security blanket and emotional outlet while developing a new relationship. And that makes me feel used, bitter, and angry.