My broken heart

[SincerlyHurt]

Hi all, new here. I am a recent graduate of the break-up academy. My fiance of two months, girlfriend of nine years broke off our engagement two weeks ago. I need help, and am not afraid to admit it.

 

Our problems were fundamental long term relationship problems. We were not communicating like we should have been and that snowballed all the other shortcomings. She would come home grouchy from work and I would pester her which just made things worse. I was the kind of guy then that would grab her butt instead of hugging her when she walked in. I was showing my affection in all the wrong ways. Now I know how I need as well as want to be in regards to affection. She is not a great communicator so she never sat me down to discuss our shortcomings, we just did the silent treatment thing. Well it built up and burst. I had become lax in the relationship department. I was not doing the lovey-dovey things I now know I should have been doing.

 

Well, now I have a new outlook on the dating life and have expressed as much to her. We are still very cordial towards each other. We even hung out for a few hours tonight when she came over to move out the last of her things.

 

Generally when she would come over and I would bring up the subject of us she would get irritated and not want to discuss it. Tonight she actually sat down and listened intently to what I had to say. I expressed to her that I now clearly see the quirks that I had that irritated her. I said how I saw the shortcomings in our relationship and now know what I need to do to be happier in my next relationship, whether it is with her or not. I told her that she would never be happy with anyone for any period of time unless she opened up and discussed things that bothered her before it gets to the breaking point. Not only did I tell her the changes that I am aware of that can be made, my actions are backing that up. I am truly already a different person.

 

Initially, the first night we broke up she said that she loved me but she did not have "the certain feeling" that she ought to have towards me anymore. My response was that love is a rollercoaster and you fall in and out of love all the time. It is the continuation of being best friends that counts during the down time. I told her relationships with any time under its belt take lots of effort.

 

Well, for a week and a half I have called her maybe 5 times, and it was not to beg her back. It was because I had a reason or was returnig her calls. She has called me on average two to three times per day. When we talk now everything is great. We discuss our work, college, pets, and so on. We never communicated like this before. It's great now, we actually look forward to speaking. Just today she e-mailed me and said it was nice talking to me this morning.

 

Ladies, is it possible that she sees the drastic changes in me and could come back, or am I delusional. We love each other still, but her moving out of the house and in with her sister is a huge step, as is breaking off the wedding (although she has not cancelled the dates and got her deposits back). Deep down I feel it is permanent, but I feel that if she sees the changes in me when we talk and then I space myself from her and not constantly beg her to come back she may begin to realize I am what she wants. If I were to constantly call her and try to court her she would never have a chance to miss me.

 

Help me to understand this woman.

[Celadon]

Thanks for stopping in and sharing about your situation. I think it's great that you're really trying to be a different person and you're paying attention to the relationship. Whether you end up with your fiancee or someone else, a new and caring 'you' will bring lots of happiness into her life and your own as well.

 

From all the phone calls your fiancee is making to you, it seems to me like she's thinking this breakup is temporary. Or maybe she's confused. It *doesn't* seem like she's just moving on with her life, in spite of the fact that she moved out. That was just the necessary break, in reaction to a situation she didn't think was going well.

 

If I were you, or her, I'd cancel the wedding and give yourselves six months to lay a new foundation for your relationship. The problems you guys were having were fundamental. It takes time to get over those and really develop good relationship habits. It also takes time to really be convinced that the other person is worth trusting again.

 

It might even help for you to tell her that's what you're doing. Be faithful to her, spend time together, but detach yourselves from the "drama" of a rocky relationship. Keep it warm and caring, but don't worry too much about "are we or aren't we going to end up together"? Time will tell, and the quality of your new, improved relationship will tell too. Hope that helps.

[melrich]

You are doing all the right things and you have the right attitude, something we should expect from a mature person who has been in a relationship for 9 years. From the sounds of things I think there is every chance that you two may yet reconcile. Sometimes when we get these sudden shocks (long term relationship breaking up) it makes us realise what is important and gives us the courage to confront our true feelings and emotions. Be there as a friend, understand that you both need to be happy and remember this is not just about you it is about the two of you. Whichever way it goes for you two I have the feeling that in the long run it will be the best outcome. (If that makes sense)

[SincerlyHurt]

I sure hope I am playing my cards right. My fear and inclination is that she is simply calling out of habit, she said it herself, it is hard to just stop talking to someone you have been with for nine years.

 

As for the cancelling the wedding thing. The wedding date is in June 2005 so if we did get back together that should be ample time to work things out. It is just odd to me that at first she said it was over and that she is sure this is what she wants and then does not cancel the dates to get her money back. She is a student and the deposits we left amount to $500 of which she could really use. What strikes me as odd is that she changed any utilities that were in her name into mine on the first day and we put her cell phone in her name. Those bills are piddly, probably dont amount to $100 monthly, but yet there is $500 sitting out there a phone call away.

 

I really want to just be affectionate towards her again, to show her the new person that has blossomed out of this shock. I have told her as much and some of my new attitude on life has shone through and I am sure she has noticed. My hope is that at night when she lays down for bed that the new me and the possibilities my new outlook on love can bring to the relationship bounce around in her head.

 

I am doing the "no contact" thing very well, but we see each other a couple of times per week, either at school or when she picks up the dog (who is like a child to her). I am trying to space myself from her to give her time to wonder where I am and give her a chance to miss me. I just pray she has as many good memories of us as I do.

 

She says it is over, but I dont think she is 100% sure in her heart.

[Hopingpraying]

Sincerely,

 

Wow our situations are different but very similar. I did similar things to you, started neglecting the relationship, really just taking her for granted. We are married though and I guess I have hurt her enough she wants a divorce. Even though like you I have taken a hard look at myself and started to fix the things she said are wrong. Our situation differs in the aspect that I found out she has been having an affair for some time now which is why I think things went downhill so quickly and why she is unwilling to see the changes I have made. But in your case I think you are in a much better situation than I am. It sounds like she still cares for you a great deal I would just recommend you give her the space she is asking for otherwise you may find you are counter productive. When my wife was asking me for time and space I couldn't give it to her because I didn't understand. I pushed her away. The boyfriend thing did not help either.

 

Just keep doing what your doing, but I would recommend that you don't initate contact with her. Let her come to you. Show her how you have changed by being attentive and listening to what she is saying. A lot of times the mistake I would make is by not listening or trying to fix her when all she wanted me to do was listen.

 

Good luck!

[SincerlyHurt]

Hoping&praying, you must be so much stronger than me. I don't know what I would do if there was someone else prior to our split, this has been devastating enough. Stay strong, live for yourself and cross any bridges with her as you come to them.

 

Well, I got an e-mail from her today stating that she has noticed the changes in me and hopes they help me in my next relationship. Is she sincere? She called me about 10 minutes ago just to chat, even though I am about to sit next to her in class for three hours. We make great small talk and both of us thoroughly enjoy it. I just hope she is not calling in order to wein herself off me. This is why I try to stay positive in our talks, to keep her wanting more of the new me. Maybe I can lure her back, and if not I will be a more rounded person emotionally out of this.

 

I cannot figure out if her saying I am not the one that she wants to be with for life is completely true. Did she say that to make it easier on me, to not string me along? Why is she still calling then? Is it because like she said, "it's hard to stop talking to someone you have been with for nine years"? It is harder to leave someone after nine years but she accomplished that in record time. Is she reconsidering?

 

I wonder what sort of time span I should expect out of this, at what point should I realize it is over with her. A week, a few months? How long does it take women to decide 100% that they were right or wrong?

 

Thanks to everyone that responds to me, my friends and family can only hear so much of my pain. I feel this place could become my rock.