The "No Contact" Rule

[melrich]

There have been a lot of posts lately referring to the "No Contact" rule, usually in the context of using it as a strategy to get back together after a break up. The theory I guess being that the person who has broken up with you will realise how much they miss you and decide they made a mistake and will want to get back together.

 

I have no doubt that this on occasions happens. Whether the zero contact has anything to do with it I am not so sure, I think equally people will get back together where they have remained in (amicable) contact. I believe that using zero contact as a strategy to get back together is missing the point. Whoever proposed it first in these forums I am sure used it in the context that breaking contact with that which is hurting you is quickest and best way to stop hurting, it will still take time but it won't take months or in some cases years. And maybe, just maybe (because more often than not a break up is a break up) the parties will get back together but I would argue if there are true feelings of being in love between the two individuals they will get back together whether they are in contact or not.

 

The other "positive" about the zero contact tactic is that it stops people from doing and saying all those stupid things they are inclined to do in times of extreme emotional stress. This is important because often what happens after a break up where one partner is particularly obsessive is tantamount to stalking and emotional abuse. No one should be subject to constant harrasment no matter how much you feel you have been wronged. If breaking all contact helps you avoid this particular type of obsessive behaviour then it is the right thing to do.

 

The other flaw I find with zero contact in terms of it being a strategy to get back together is that invariably while having no contact with the ex, the dumped individual is talking to anyone who will listen about their undying love and intention to wait for till the end of time to get him/her back. At the same time they are moping around and simply existing. This information invariably gets back to the ex anyway.

 

Want to know the best chance you have of getting back together with your ex? It has nothing to do with zero contact. Try as hard as possible to put it behind you. Live life, try some different experiences, work at being happy. In short be the person your ex fell in love with in the first place. If there are still any feelings there they will come out regardless of whether you are in contact or not.

 

And finally, remember, although you may not feel it immediately, time heals, you will get over it, you will find someone else (if that's what you want). I can promise you this as surely as night follows day.

[Tinkerbell]

Bravo on the great advice. =D>

 

It truly is a masterpiece

[neallo82288]

Well, I agree with you that no contact being used as a tool to get the ex back, but while you are looking at it as a bad thing, it is quite a good thing to help you get over an ex. By having no contact with an ex, you are no dealing with the emotions of hearing their voice and pouring out your soul. It is just simple advice given to somebody that seems to be obsessing about an ex and needs to back off of that in order to atart the healing process. No contact works as long as the party broken up with uses the time wisely and works on themselves in order to improve their minds and bodies.

 

You said:

Try as hard as possible to put it behind you. Live life, try some different experiences, work at being happy. In short be the person your ex fell in love with in the first place. If there are still any feelings there they will come out regardless of whether you are in contact or not.

 

Well, I do not see how this is possible if someone is in contact with the person they are trying to get over. If you are consistently talking to the object of you obsession then how do you find a way to get them out of your mind and actually get over them. The broken up person must break away from all contact in order to start healing.

 

This was an informative post and I agree with some of it, but not all. No contact should only be used as a healing tool and nothing more.

[melrich]

We are arguing on the same side of the fence. You are saying pretty well exactly what I am saying. Don't use zero contact as a tool to get someone back, use it if you need to to help you get over a realtionship. I am not saying zero contact is a bad thing, quite the contrary, if you are an obsessive type that cannot cope with a post relationship relationship it is probably the best thing for you to do. But if you are comfortable with seeing your ex and you can live with being just friends then zero contact is not necessary.

Either way it should used as a coping tool, not some strategy to win someone back, it is too transparent for that.

[neallo82288]

I usually give the advice of no contact to those that you have described here. Well, I do very much agree with what you were saying. I would also like to add that some of these people may not think that they are obsessing, but think they are doing themselves and their exs some good. So, they have to think that no contact is what would get their exes back. This way they will start to work on making themselves better in the eventual return of the ex, which invariably never happens, but they need to have the hope just to get to the point of healing. Healing and helping those in need of healing are why we are here. The main point of the no contact for some has to be the hope of the ex returning and thereforeeee they start the zero contact and begin to heal and find themselves no longer needing the ex around them. This is the point theat most realize that the ex was not what they are looking for. The reason some people are here is because they are hurting and obsessing over their exes and want them back, thereforeeee they need to keep the hope alive and see that there is a possibility that the ex will return. What everyone needs to know is that what gets the ex back is not the zero contact period but what they do during that time. This should be emphized a little more when people urge the no contact rule. You have written a very good post here and I agree with you. But there are times that the no contact rule should be advised and that the person receiving this advice starts the zero contact rule with the hope of getting their ex back, but what they end up doing is finding more about themselves and about relationships.

[melrich]

With this I agree.

 

Cheers

[Stingseed]

Hello Guys

 

I am heart broken. I need advice with ex-girlfriiend the no-contact of sort and stuff does it apply here.?

 

This is what happen. I meet her year and half ago. We fell deeply in love well the usual as you guys may know. At the end of January she comes out saying that she has done something horrible and that i am going to hate for it. (Don't get her wrong she loves me very much). Well anyways she came out saying that she cheated on me with some guy she knew for some monhs. Well the usual happen she said she was sorry, and that she still loved me. The thing is that she fell so deeply in love with me that she never had the chance to meet other people thereforeeee was one of the reasons for getting close to this guy. The other reason is that she said I was to jealous and not financially stable. Which I agree. I know that I must show her that these faults are corrected so that she can remember the guy she fell in love with and remember the good times we had. but the thing is this other guy she is seeing is getting in the way ( ohh what to do what to do?).

 

Don't get me wrong even though she is seeing this guy to this day she still calls me reason being she need to talk to me. Somtimes she just calls my office is as if she is afraid I will not answer the cell. I guess cause I tried to play the no-contact thing but at the most I last is about 2 or 3 days me being the one to returns her calls( the dreaded call back it is). I asked if she wnas to lose me for good. her reply was no never that I am not going to lose her. I asked her if the reason she is still telling she loves me and wants me in any way a soft way of telling me she does not want to see me no more? she says no. I am saying it cuae i mean it. I asked her Are you having a difficult time in finding the words to let me go for good and thereforeeee the reason you keep calling me? she said no. I call cause I wanna talk to you. These are some questions I have asked her there are 2 ro 3 more which I will post later. The thing is that she calls me, work and cell and when we do talk we still some of the nice little cute conversations we always have had and I do still make her laugh and whatnot. but her is the twister. I have asked her to go out and she always says maybe and never does. I tell her if she loves me, calls me, tells me she don't wanna lose me, then way can't we go out to dinner or concerts. her response is she is not ready yet, and apologizes for putting me through all of this. She is still very open with me even telling me she was afraid she might be pregant with his baby which it turns out she is not(thank god)at one point she told me she is not to serious with the guy she is seeing and that he is not serious with her cause they have only have been seeing each other for 3 months 2 months of it being behind my back. but that she still needs to see other people which drives me crazy, but I don't show here that emotion I just try to talk about it and tell her that I love her and ask why is she adding this confusing to herself and to comeback to me. I know I must be nagging her to death with all the questions I have asked her, but the reason I do it is to make sure she still loves me, does not want to lose me and most important is to make sure she is not being nice to me just to not hurt my feeling anymore. 2 weeks ago I convinced her not to go another date, and went on further I said that we should seriously try to work things out, and that I am the only man she needs. guess what she said? that i am right and that we should try, but 2 days later she changed her mind saying that even though she is seeing someone that there is another person that she wants to date thereforeeee saying she need to see other people not to mention that. This has been going for 4 weeks now everytime I seem to get close it seems I am getting further (what am I doing wrong?).

 

Well guys I do want to get back with her very badly I am deeply in love with her but I have made some mistakes in doing so. Can you help me? She is with someone but not in love, she feels she need to date but she still calls me, does tthe no-contact rule apply here? please reply......

[lovelypucca]

I was in the same situation as you this time last year, my ex (boyfriend of 2 years) had left me for another girl but he stayed in touch with me, texting and calling me to tell me that he loved me but cancelled each time we've agreed to meet up.

I then went travelling for 2 months, during which he could not contact me. When I got back I found out that he had been desparately trying to contact me and had broken up with this other girl. The "no contact rule" had really worked. Except of course, I had already met someone else during my long holiday.

I do still love my ex and in a way I do wish we had got back together. Im not seeing this other guy anymore, and I really miss him . But I think he's (ex) has met someone new now.

But I think about her keeping in touch with you. She's may be trying to keep a hold of you just in case things don't work out with the other guys, also perhaps she likes the attention that you are giving her. If you apply the no contact rule, then she might just show some withdrawal symptoms. I know it's hard but you should really give it a try.

L

[Stingseed]

Thanks lovelypucca for the reply

 

Is it to late to start the no-contact rule after 5 weeks of me nagging her? I have made serveral attempts to see her at work but she keeps telling me not to show so that she can miss me more. Which I find strange of her to admit, but then again we spoke about everything when we were together and from what you see on the previous post she even told me she might be pregant and told me so cause she was scared..you and others were right. All these weeks I have felt here slowly fading out cause I keep answering her phone calls and call her as well. She is still seeing this guy but calls me.

 

Am I to late Lovely?

[lovelypucca]

I believe that if she truly loves you then it's denfinately not too late. The fact that she still contacts you shows that she is still interested and indicates that she still has some feelings for you, so if you still want her then you shouldn't lose hope.

The no contact, might just give you more power in this relationship and shift the odds in your favour. I know it's hard for the first week or so but it'll get easier especially if you occupy your time doing things that'll take your mind off her.

L

[Michael2]

Hey sting,

 

Is it too late to start no contact no. Why? Because of the following:

 

1) She still loves you, and will not get over you as soon as you think.

 

Believe me when I tell you this. I was in your shoes.Nagging her, asking her , begging her, this continued for a few weeks. Then I finally was fedup with the way I had been acting and decided that I had blown it. So, as a result of this, I began the "infamous" no contact.

 

Those are probably two of the most difficult words, a person like yourself dreads.

 

I initiated it. Guess what my friend. She came back, this time I was the one who was strong and I was able to control my emotions. Why? Because I was slowly healing.

 

No one ever said no contact was easy. But remember, the most difficult things in life , have the most fulfilling rewards. The reward, in my opinion, is not gaining back those who broke up with you. But you gain back self respect and love for yourself. Once you love yourself, the benifits will follow.

 

Hang in there. It wont be easy, but trust me when I tell you, no contact is a great option. PM me if you need some reassurance. I have been there, and as a result of no contact, my ex is realizing what she has lost. We are in the same boat, my ex is seeing someone else too.

 

Keep your chin up.

[Stingseed]

BOOYAH MIke! you are right she will not get over me that quick. I am slowly realizing that. I should concentrate more on the stuff I use to do like car club racing, playing sports in a league and what not. but something interesting is happening as of late. I am on my third day of not contact and it is getting harder. Like I posted before I have tried the no contact rule before about 2 weeks ago but falied after 2 days, and as a result again i started the nagging., but she always came back. but here is what is happening she has not called me either. Which is scaring me now. The last time we spoke the conversation was about trying to get back together in which she said see will try.

 

Michael I know we are on the same boat ,but did your girl cheat on you with someone they met 3 months prior to ending your relationship, and when she admitted it she broke it off with me, but felt horrible about it.

 

what do you think guys?

[Stingseed]

Hey Michael and all else you read this forum

 

This no-contact is really getting hard really fast guys. Questions are going inot my head wheather or not to call her and see if she is getting serious with this guy or not. If she thinks that I have forgotten about her or dont want her back, even though she must know I love her. When to know she is ready to come back is another question. please reply

[lisaria]

It's been only a few days since I started my no contact. After I humiliated myself again for this stupid man. He has a g/f, the same one he was talking to when we split up I think. I'm not really sure. I want to know all about what is going on with him, just like you. Is he getting serious with this woman? What are they doing tonite? Has she met his sons yet? Do they like her? Ahhhh....I could make myself crazy thinking about that all the time. But I'm going to be strong this time and not email or call him. It just makes me feel worse because he's so short with me or else he just ignores me. Has this worked for anyone else? Even though they have someone new and you've contacted them for a while after the split, does it work when you finally use the no contact rule? If you were a man and this happened to you, would you get back with your ex?

[Stingseed]

I sure hope that the no-cnotact rule works, and yes would get back with my ex, but first like michael and other says I first have to love and respect my self first then the if the person loves me and wants me back then it will happen. I dont know how this will happen or know what are the signs of it happening. but I tryinig to prepare for the worse.. Please reply michael and friends

 

 

Thanks

[Michael2]

Sting, will she forget you, HELL NO!!!!

 

Yeah she is with this other guy, but guess what, she is probably comparing every single thing he does to what you did.

 

I dont know what type of relationship you guys had, but if it was loving and nurturing, then her head is spinning.

 

She jumped in way too fast with this new guy. Do you think your heart can just jump between people, dont think so.

 

I know its getting difficult, but if you contact her you will come off as needy, and she will realize that you arent strong. She will either walk all over you , or resent you for contacting her. Show her that you can live life on your own and that you DONT need her. You call, you blow it. Its as simple as that.

 

Guys, look at me. Im a spitting example of this whole thing. Girlfriend dumped my butt, then dates someother guy right off the bat. I begged, I pleaded, then I got fedup, stopped the bullcrap. Didnt call, slowly she initated contact. Now she practically begging to see me.

 

If any of you ever want to have a chance with your ex again, you will swallow all your pain and not contact them. I even suggest , that when they contact you, dont answer the phone the first time or two. Dont reply to their text's. You have to act lile you dont give a crap about them and that your life is better without them. Unfortunately part of it is a game the other part is healing.

 

Contacting them is the last thing you want.

[Stingseed]

I am trying so hard not to contact. she has called me four times now sense I started no contact 5 daya ago. Wonder what is it she is trying to tell me. I know eventually I have talk to her and let her bring the conversation about the relationship.

 

My head is spinning...

[Stingseed]

the thing she has called me everyday after day 2 f my no-contact. I dont know what she wants to say to me. The funny thing is she iis not leaving any messages. I think if she had something to say then for goodness sakes leave a message.

 

As for what will I say. I would keep it short and not try not to bring up anything about the relationship. let her do the talking about the relationship and hurry and say I am heading out I have to go. what are your suggetions on what to say. one more thing about the letter you are right I should not send it.

[fantasia2004]

I agree with Michael2, he has the right idea along with everyone else.

 

 

The sad part is I did not read use of this sight until it was too late.

 

For me I messed up in that category, and it continued for 4 months until the ex's new love found out about it. At least I think she knows. Plus my ex and I kept meeting up with each other and I called excessively every other day. I tried though. Which was a mistake and I think he grew tired of me as well I did of him.

 

I regret it and feel ashamed but I'm starting over and I am ready to move on instead of pleading and begging. I gave him too much power and lost my self respect and he was able to mistreat me while my self esteem fell to the floor. It is hard I know but I wish I had known what to do before I did the latter....

 

Right now I try to keep myself busy to get back on track and I WILL NEVER including my ex ever mistreat me and disrespect me like that again. I want to regain my respect for myself regardless of what my ex thinks. He needs to grow up and so do I. I of course took it to the extreme. Unfortunately.

 

Boy do I feel like an obsessive freak! Is this like stalking? Oh my God what have I done? Or an obsession?

[Crushed]

The one thing I want to say to all of you who break your own no contact rule, act inappropiately, do things you regret. Forgive yourself. We all do it. This is a really tough time for you especially if it's the 1st time you've been crushed. But it will get better and soon you'll be wondering how you ever let yourself be so emotionally controlled by someone. Good luck with your no contact it will get easier.

 

Crushed

[Stingseed]

i know what you mean I am not to hard on myself when I broke no contact once. I am continuing no caontact and it seems to be working. I am feeling better for myself and also she is still calling me. I am not answer but I left her a Vm Sat to let her know exactly where I stand. It is still hard for me but I am getting better at feeling the need to hear her voice. I am healing which is the best part, and I am prepareing my self for when I do decide to break no contact (when ever that my be) to be emotionally strong to take the blow of that perhaps she has moved on.

 

What you guy think?

[The Morrigan]

It sounds like you're doing what you have to to take care of yourself - which is a good thing.

 

Keep it up, keep busy, keep focused on you - so far you're doing well!

[myJoy]

How can I properly implement the no contact rule? It's been nearly 1 month since my ex left me for her co-worker. She's been calling me every now & then, & sometimes also visits. She calls w/ lame excuses to talk, & also comes by to pickup mail & stuff. She still has stuff at my place which she hasn't taken with her. Long story short - she cheated on me & now lives with this guy who she's known for 2 months. She gave me the usual "I love you, but am no longer in love w/ you". Stating that it was painful for her to love me because: I was still hung up on my previous ex; that I wasn't sweet & romantic; & that I was always away on biz trip. She said that she was interested in this new guy, & am beginning to fall for him. She had no strength to save our relationship but would rather start a new one. Anyway, my friends tell me that I should tell her not to call me or come over. They feel that I should express my anger & disappointment (which I did not when she confessed). She will then experience loss – she's never been heart broken. Is this too drastic? What I am currently doing right now: keeping myself busy doing new things; not initiating contact – but will talk to her when she calls (other times I just ignore the call); not talk about our past or my current feelings. Right after we broke up, I did tell her that I love her very much & would want her to give me another chance. But that was the only time I mentioned that. 2 weeks ago when we last saw each other, we were locked in a really long embrace before she left. Her new bf kept calling but she just ignored the calls – she also cried - don't know why. She's called me 3x since then. She plans to come over during this weekend to pickup mail. Should I hug her again before she leaves? Or is that a bad idea?

 

I need your opinion guys & gals. I'm not sure if no contact is right for my situation. Is she staying in contact w/ me (despite new bf's objections) because she is keeping me around as a back-up? & also to soften the blow on the guilt she carries for cheating on me? If so, should I cut her off & tell her not to call me so that she would realize that I am mad at her for what she did? However, if I tell her never to call, will that make her think that I never really did love her as much as she loved me? Bottom line is I am very much in love w/ her, and want her back. What should I do?

[Stingseed]

I suggest you continue no contact even if mail or other things try tonget in the way. Dont take her calls. You should make start thinking.

[fantasia2004]

Do not let her string you along, you will get hurt in the end.

 

Know where you stand.

 

Have respect for yourself.

 

NO CONTACT FOR NOW !!!!!!!!!