Is there hope without chemistry? Please give your view

[no6]

I am in complete turmoil right now over making a decision. Have a read and please give me your views.

In the relationship with my wife there is a very strong emotional bond. You know the sort of thing, where your characters gel ok and you can enjoy each others company with a smile. However, there is no physical chemistry (never has been) from my perspective and I am finding it incredibly hard to show the real commitment that she deserves. We talked about the whole situation and she wants me to decide whether we should separate or not (I was not callous enough to tell her I don't find her attractive). I will not go into why we married in the first place, but it's been under a year and there are no children involved. From her viewpoint, she loves me in every way and I of course consider her feelings very highly in all this.

What should I do? Can a marriage exist without the physical chemistry. And at 42, do you think my prospects of happiness are limited?

[Balthamos]

no6

 

I don't think it's necessary that you find your wife drop-dead gorgeous or even have to think she's especially attractive. Unless she is so hideous that the very sight of her makes you cringe with revulsion, I don't think it's that big of a deal. You alluded to some unusual situation surrounding your getting married, but I'm still going to assume that there was some love in the relationship. If enough of that love existed for you to commit yourself to being married to this woman for the rest of your life, I think you owe something to her and to those feelings. Any real, deep meanigful relationship, even more so a marriage, must be based on more than physical attraction. I am not saying that you don't have this, from your post it sounds like you two have a wonderful connection to each other. So already have the most important component to a happy, healthy, and fulfilling relationship. If you throw that away, I don't think you'll probablly ever find anything quite like it again, and you may just discover that it is more important to you than her physical beuaty.

 

To quote NIfty_Swifty1, "Love is a choice... not feelings." It is true even more so when discussing physical attraction. That is not what love is about, what you have with your wife sounds like a great, firm foundation for a wonderful, lifelong love, and I think it would be just a terrible shame to throw all that away because she's not hot enough. You said she loves you in every way and, especailly when you talk about not giving her what she deserves, it sounds like you love her (except for her apperance) and there is a "very strong emotional bond" between you. That sounds like a lot to sacrifice, like it would lead to nearly unbearable pain for both of you, her especailly, just so you can go out and find someone more attractive. In a relationship designed to last as long and as deeply as marrige is, you have to be able to look past the skin deep beauty and see the beauaty of the soul, which it sounds like she has an abundance of.

 

In answer to your last question, I don't think that anyone's prospects at happiness should be limited because of age or any other factor, but I think your looking for that happiness in the wrong place. If you love her, choose to love her, then, and only then, will you find the feelings you're looking for, the ones we associate with love, including happiness. A less true love with someone more attractive will not give these feelings as deeply or completely as your current wife can. I think that your prospects of happiness are literally limitless if you can choose to love your wife and commit to her. Even if you did find someone you really loved who was more attractive, if you consider your wife's feeling as much as you seem to, wouldn't you always be nagged by that little feeling of guilt in the back of your mind for hurting your wife who loved you in every way, loved you so completely that she's leaving her love for you in your hands so that you can do what you think will make you happy, even if that means leaving her and taking all that love away from her? That seems like more of a constraint on your happiness than your age or her beauty.

[mahlina]

I think that if a relationship lacks physical chemistry, then all of the passion and romance will burn out too.

 

Instead of trying to bail out, maybe, you can get her to diet (assuming that her physique is not what you desire), or gain some weight (that is, if she's too skinny looking). Whatever it is, try to find ways that help to make her look a little more enticing. It's not that you're being shallow, because physical attraction is one of the main components of building an intimate relationship.

 

I personally can't be in a relationship with someone who I'm not physically attracted to. After a while, that person just starts to feel like a sibling, and when you think sexual about them, you start to feel all grossed out (if you know what I"m talking about).

 

And at age 42, I don't think that it will be tough to date. I work near a place, literally called, "Leisure World," and you'll see some older people around mid 70s and 80s literally, holding hands and dating. Not that I'm saying that you're anywhere close to that point, but, it's not a dead end road in the dating department.

 

Try your best to make the marriage work. But if it doesn't, at least you know that dating at 42 does not stop from there.

[Shay]

I understand. And I can relate. My husband and I have been married for 3 years, and have known each other for 15. He is my best friend, and we connect on every level, but the attraction is not there. We have discussed and debated whether or not to go to counseling, but when it came down to it, neither thought this would resolve anything since, we both dearly love each other, get along great, never fight---the chemistry was just not there. We are now separated. . .Every day, I still debate, did I make the right decision? He thinks so. I'm still not so sure. However, when it comes down to it you have to ask the question, "Is this how I want to live the rest of my life?" Honestly, I can't see spending the rest of my life that way, even though the thought of possibly losing our bond will most likely be lost. I just pray our friendship can survive this. Good luck in what ever you do, and know there are others out there.

[jasminebose]

Hi,

I think Balthamos is right on. I am sort of in the same boat, been married nearly 2 years, no kids and feel like something is missing. But I realise that you have to give relationships time and feelings change. If fundementally you like your wife (i.e. get on well, share interests and make each other happy) then you should def give your realtionship a chance to develop.

It sounds like you do have a strong foundation to build love on and the mature 18 year old is right- love is about making the choice to honour your commitment to each other.

Instead of focusing on what's missing (in your case 'attraction') I would suggest remembering the good qualities she has, and not in a half hearted way...maybe everyday you wake up try and list 3 things that you love about her. It might shift your perceptions from 'what's wrong with my relationship' to 'what's right with it'. It also would help you to have a better realtionship, you will feel happier and realise you have not been shortchanged but are actually really lucky to have someone who loves you so much.

JZ

[Always Learning]

no6,

 

I'll be short: There is no hope for a relationship without mutual chemistry. Chemistry is the glue that will hold you together in rough times. Move on and good luck!

[tarquin]

i am currently going through a divorce because my wife cheated on me after feeling no attraction to me for several years. she never told me this and athough i could sense that she was not very affectionate etc i just thought it was the way she was. well i turned out to have been oh so wrong. i would suggest you get councelling asap because if you are surpressing certain needs (like my wife did) then you are asking for trouble and counceling can help you. (it would have helped my wife but she did not want to be helped)

[confused1607307029]

Tarquin

 

I think that if you are sexually attracted to your partner but there is a problem with your sex drive then the problem is fixable. If you are not physically attracted to your wife then you may be better off parting and staying the best of friends. You will only end up resenting her because she doesn't provide you with all that you need!

 

I'm very interested in this subject as I am in a position where my husband and I really love each other and are very well matched intellectually....however, there hasn't been any real spark there for years!

 

Unlike Tarquin I find my husband physically attractive but we just can't get our sex life restarted, we have been trying for years! I'm only 30 and feel I'm too young to give up on those feelings, but at the same time I don't want to throw away an otherwise happy marriage. Whose to say we separate and I find someone else and in five years end up in the same situation?

 

Do you take love/friendship etc over passion?

 

I met someone else briefly and for the first time in about 6 years I experienced those wonderful feelings of lust. I haven't seen the guy since, but cannot get him out of my mind. I feel I'm only obessessing over him because he represents what I am missing out on....

 

Do I stay and try and resurrect that with my husband, or do I give up everything we've worked for as well as, potentially, my chance at having a family?

 

ooooh life is soo hard.

[t-dog]

My husband and I are best friends but definitely not lovers. We're more like roomates (actually, in my case we're more like father/daughter, but I don't need to go into all that). I've been seriously considering divorce for a long time, but I'm scared to give up on the bond that we have. What if I never find someone as amazing as he is? In your case, 42 is not too old to find what you really want. As the saying goes, men age like wine. But it is scary going out into the world alone at any age. I'm only 25 and I'm even afraid that I'll never find the same kind of emotional bond. I took a break from my husband and discovered that my life is better without him. I decided to give him another chance and give it my all to make it work. But after I got back together with him, I realized that it was the wrong thing to do. I'll never be happy with him. That's just the way it is. Don't give up hope, there are plenty of women out there in the world. Hopefully, your wife will be able to see that you two are meant to be friends.

[wendella]

Wow the age old question - Lust or Love???

[Shay]

You know, I agree with just about all of you. But you still can't judge someone else's situation. They are all different. I was recently told, and I do believe this, who knows what the right decision is? You make a choice, hope it is the right one, and move on.

 

I have known my now "X" half my life. We grew up together. I still love him, but the attraction was just not there. It might have been at one time, but it is gone. Did we make the right decision? Who knows, I just know that now, I live with my decision. I have also discovered I am a different person without him, and that is not such a bad thing. I hope that we can remain friends, but that could be hard going into new relationships. Most say that won't happen. This is yet to be determined.

 

I have not been divorced very long at all. We're talking days here. But in my situation, I have learned you have got to find out who you are, and love yourself for it. You can't expect to live your entire life dependent upon someone else's love to live. God help me, I have been doing that my whole life.

 

No one can make this decision for you. You have to decide what is best for you, and I am saying this to myself, just as much as everyone who is reading this. What you read here is for comfort. The decision you make needs to come from you, not your concern for your wife's feelings, but your own. I still have problems separating my feelings from "his" and am shocked that I was strong enough to commit to this divorce. I hope you do not take this as me being cold, I am only being truthful. I love my X dearly, but I also know that you have to decide what is best for yourself as well. I am considering counseling , not to figure out why my marriage went bad, but to figure out who I am. If I can answer that question, everything else, I feel will fall in place. I wish you the best, and I do understand.