Getting Back With My Ex - Can Anyone Please Help/Advice ?

[Stingseed]

the guys she is with now she meet 4 months prior to her admitting she cheated on me having sex with him for the first time. She hates herself for it and thereforeeee she broke it off with me cause she said it's not fair what she did to me. and then she started to tell me she still loves me and that i will not lose her. Still it really bites that she did this behind my back, but i respect her for admitting to me she had sex with him and thereforeeee broke it off with me. Well I say at least she did not continue to have sex with him behind my back and broke it off with me. That I respect her for.

[emma]

The first thing you need to do is to concentrate on yourself, to stop analyzing what she does/doesn't do, what she says/doesn't say...etc. The situation between you too is really unhealthy right now, you don't seem to see that it's pretty destructive for you.

 

You can have respect for her, but you also have to open your eyes. If you keep telling her 'it's ok, you cheated on me, you're still with this guy, you say you love...etc, and all this is ok', well, she will do it again, she will keep abusing your respect. What do you think would happen if you were saying 'enough, that's not what I want, I don't want to be fooled like this anymore, I give up and I want to move on', and if you were acting this way, i.e. no contact at all? Believe me or not, she will start questioning herself (she is not at all right now, she just want the comfort of having your approval of her behavior, which makes her feel like she can do whatever she wants), and she might start thinking that she liked being with you. But you will never know if you don't start doing it.

 

Approving and forgiving everything she does is not an evidence of your love for her. You're not helping her at all and you're destroying yourself. It's hard to understand that somebody you love and says she/he loves you is abusing you, but it's the case in your situation.

 

As harsh as this may sound, she show no respect at all for you. But she cannot be blamed entirely for that: you're telling her it's totally ok to disrespect you, so why should she stop? No matter what kind of excuses you're blinding yourself with. I'm sorry to tell you this, but she will never get back to you under those circumstances. Now it's up to you whether or not you want to keep suffering and killing any chance to ever get back with her.... and it's also up to you to start wondering if you really want to be with such a girl.

 

PS: 4 days of no contact is only the beginning... If you want to rule to work for you you will have to be much more patient... It's tough, but with time it gets easier. It makes it harder if she keeps contacting you, but in this case you have to make it clear that you don't want to have contact with her, event though she might play with your feelings and guilt telling you that she trusted you and now you're turning her trust down...blablabla... That's unfortunately a typical situation. On this forum, people are there to help each other move on in their life, which is the only way to get back with an ex indeed. People are not going to give you excuses...

[Stingseed]

Emma I agree. I have not broken the no-contact rule yet it is going 4 days now. And yes the first thing I wil tell her when I do break the no-contact in time is what you said about not being fooled, and cant keep going this way, and if that is going to continue then I will move on. but I do fell she loves me but Like I said I forgave her and that gave her a ticket to disrespect me and abuse me. thereforeeee I will try to play my cards right with your guys help and continue the no-contact rule so she can see what she is losing if she don't change her ways. but understand I do want her back . I love her but I must let her come back to me. Guys you are a great help if it wern't for the honesty of you guys and reading of these forums I would still be going the downward spiral.

 

I still need you guys. by the way she called me about 30 minutes ago and I am happy to say i did not answer...should I write her the letter now or wait?

 

reply please

[emma]

Hi,

 

I'm glad to see that you seem to advance in your understanding of the situation. I would advise you to keep those posts from me and Francis, and Spatzcolumbo (sorry I forgot your exact nickname again ) and to re-read them whenever you feel down and you feel like calling her and answer contacts initiated by her.

 

At this point, you have to trust people who truly want to help you out... Look, on this forum, people don't know you personaly, they are just genuinely interested in helping each other out. That is the greatness of the thing. So since you don't have the emotional distance to know exactly what is the best for yourself, you have to rely on this forum, on your friends, on your family, whoever truly cares for you and is not emotionally involved with her.

 

You should be proud of holding yourself from picking up her phone call tonight, you should see this a sign that you can be strong and stand for yourself. Still, it's going to be tough in the next few days, and you will have to be even stronger and keep up with the no contact rule, keeping in mind that you will see the benefits of it only later. If she wants to get back with you, she will have to work on it, because you don't want to be with somebody who doesn't respect you as much as you respect her.

 

As far as sending her a letter is concerned, I would wait a little bit, like few more days of no contact before sending it. If you do write this letter, it will have to be short, straighforward but polite, just a clear statement of you willing to stand for yourself, without bringing her down, but making it clear that you do respect her but you respect yourself enough too for feeling the need to heal by yourself and not havong contact with her for now. Don't set up a time-line, don't tell her 'I want to have no contact for this or that amount of time'. Let her wonder about things, stop conforting her in everything, stop fulfilling her emotional need wihtout anything in return but pain and suffering.

 

If she truly loves you, she will sort out her stuffs and work hard on getting back with you for the right reason.

[Stingseed]

hi guys I am ready to write the letter what should I say besides the fact that I cant' stand watching her be with someone else? maybe what I am asking is how should I word it cause I am afraid I will mes it up somehow.

[Stingseed]

Seeing my cell phone ring and light up listening to her special tone I profiled for her number is just killing me and no matter where I am at or what I am doing cooking, exercising, cleaning. Even outside my door talking to a nieghbor who I told that I broke up with my girl (yes she is beautiful and is in to me) I can hear that tone anywhere leave the girl outside and feel like running to answer it. well you guessed it she just called again 5 minutes ago.

 

THIS REALLY BITES....

 

Thanks guys I know you can hear me......please reply

[emma]

Hey, do not anwser the phone no matter what, you're never going to do any progress if you do so... and you will chase away more and more any chance to get back with her actually. Just keep faith on what people told you yo do on this website... Remember: you don't want to be abused, you don't want to remain in this situation that makes you suffer. It is hard not to pick up, I know this, I went through this. And then it is hard when they get it and stop calling, but eventually it's for the best.

 

Now, if you want to write this letter, don't tell her stuffs like 'I can't stand seeing you with another guy anymore', if you say this you're once again giving her total control over you. She shouldn't be the reason why you don't want to have contact with her (or at least she shouldn't know this), as contradictory as this might sound. You should be the reason why you're doing this. She will be very surprised to see that you're becoming more independent from her, she will freak out for sure, because she is not used to it, she is so used to be able to control you and obtain whatever she wants from you (back to the impossibility for her under such circumstances to have 100% respect for you). Anyway, why don't you write a short letter, remaining polite but not emotional, telling her that you have cared for her a lot, and you still do, but it's time for you to focus on yourself and your well-being, and you prefer not having contact with her for a while, and that you would appreciate if she respects this.

 

If I were you though, I would not write this note, you're way too emotional right now. Or, you can just not answer her phone-calls for 10 more days, let's say 10 days, and then after those ten days (which would be 2 weeks of no contact for you if I'm right), you can send her a short e-mail, not telling her that you don't want any contact, but just a 'hi' e-mail, just saying that you're doing fine, and that you hope that things are going well in her life. Something very short. I'm just saying this because I know that not even explaining to her why you don't really want contact with her right now would be much more powerful in striking her and make her realize what she is losing. In ten days you will also have got used not to talk to her and see that you are doing ok despite that. Then, sending her a short casual message would also be much more powerful than any long writing, because if it's long it means that you still feel you have to justify everything to her, which means that she still has control over you. Once again, as long as she will know she has contral over you, she will never be afraid of losing you and will keep the situation the way it is, i.e. a painful situation for you, which will get harder and harder for you.

 

Hope this help, and remember to think twice before sending this letter, very often not doing anything is more powerful than doing things... I know, it sounds weird, but it's true.

[Stingseed]

what if because of no-contact I am pushing her more away?

 

I know that she must realize what she is losing, but what will be the signs of her wanting to come back? calling will be one but ?

 

Like you said if she really loves me she will sort out her confusion and work at getting me back...Please reply

[Stingseed]

She just called again. I am proud to admit I did not answer again, but this is getting to hard for me. AHHHH

 

I am wondering if she is trying to tell me something. Because remember the last time we talked was sunday night early monday morning. and we dicussed trying to back with each other. At that point she let me know that she has been trying to get back and that she will continue to try. I know she still loves me and she is not serious with this guy. So it leads me to wonder that 10 more days is going to kill me, and that maybe she is realizing quicker than expected. I need so much help.

[Stingseed]

i know no one said that no-contact is easy and not a gurantee of getting her back. But this girl keeps calling and I will am afraid that it will just get back to square one again if I answer. she will say something I did not want to hear.

 

Need more advice peeps

[emma]

Hey,

 

I replied to your pm.

 

But once again I would tell you not to answer the phone, to remain strong, it will help you building up again your self-esteem, you will be proud of you, and she will feel it. You will not push her away this way, you will just make it clear that you don't take this kind of behavior from her, that you have some higher expectations as far as what you should be treated. Whe sill never miss you a much as if you don't reply her phone calls. She might already be freaking out about your changing attitude, because she was so sure to have total control over you until now.

 

Remember, if she truly loves you, she will not give up like this, she might stop calling you, and this will be the big test. If you call her back as soon as she stops calling you, she will know that nothing has changed, she will know she still has total control over you... so why changing anything, she will still be in a confortable situation.

[Stingseed]

Hello again to all

 

Well today she did not call. Problem is I am trying my best to keeps thought out of my head why she did not call. I know I will hold out longer in not calling her. This is getting harder by the day..

 

 

Please reply

[Stingseed]

Hello all again

 

I contacted her.

 

I kinda did tell her that I am not going to be waiting for ever for her to come around and she said that she is worried about being unfaithful again and me always bringing up the fact that she cheated. . I felt I had to tell her so she would get some sort of reality slap. please reply

[Stingseed]

Well If anyone the song by Mariah Carey "without you" my ex left in my Voicemail. Now I have been in a "sorta no contact form" for about 2 and half weeks. Now I am going to maintain my cool and not call her, but I am thinking of taking her next call to see what she has to say. If anyone has some suggestions feel free to share them with me.

 

As some of you know I let my ex know that I need time to heal and if she wants to talk about us to feel free to do so, and other than that I need time to move on. Looks like it's working and I am in the drivers seat. But again I don't know what her plan is with this song.

[The Morrigan]

It does sound like she's not too happy with the current state of things - and is giving you some measure of control. I would advise caution though - just because of her statements before; make sure if she wants you back, her being unsure of being able to be faithful is no longer an issue.

 

I'd answer her call if you feel you've got enough confidence to let her voice what she's thinking without pressing her, find out just what really IS on her mind - and go REALLLLLLLY slow from there - this isn't something to jump back into and end up right where you were. Have enough confidence and respect for yourself to be a bit wary and make sure she's not just saying whatever she needs to to feel secure with you, but has really thought about what happened before and has resolved her issues and doubts within herself.

 

You've probably earned a measure of respect from her by not being so quick to dismiss your own feelings and needs - and self respect demands respect from others. Don't lose that by being in such a hurry to get back into a relationship with her you end up disregarding any concerns you have - make sure you address them first. If she's sincere the fact you're willing to even consider things should be enough encouragement, she won't be put off by having to go slow enough to earn your trust in her sincerity.

[Stingseed]

She has not called yet.....

 

I have such an urge to call to see what she is trying to tell me, but not going to. I am acting like this Vm never happened. If she is really trying to tell me something then she will call again. Only some things concern me. What if this is a way to tell me something and by me not responded then she takes it like I am not interested in her anymore.

 

What to do?

[Stingseed]

she said she is going to let me know what she meant with the voicemail she left me. I am trying not to freak out about it.. She just did not seem to talkative about us.. And I think she as a probelm understanding what I said about That I cannot talk to her for now because I am trying to move on and need time alone to get on my feet, and unless she has something to talk abou tus then to please respect that.

 

guys please reply

[Stingseed]

Wow I have come a long way from this last post.

 

First I must admit foolishness by my part no insight before. Thank goodness for this sight I have come to realize that I do need my ex, but would like her back. Minimal contact has let me see things more clearly now. If she has to voluntary come back to me, and it is her decsion to me not I. She knows she is losing a good man she must realize this before it is to late. There is a small window of opportunity for her now but not for long.

 

As for my next move I will just continue to apply minimal contact which has made her come around now. Soon I will ask her to join me somewhere see what she says. At that point we will talk about the realtionship.

 

Only why back to is take a step back and look at it from afar then and only then will you realize is this person it and is this person worth my love..