Help with my dad's death

[digit]

hi i am new to the forum,my name is digit,i am 36 and struggling really hard with my dad dying,he was my world.he was53 when he died of heart failure i was devastated.i was with him when he died, i am angry with him for leaving me.i cant get passed seeing him in his coffin,i wanted him to see my kids grow up. i am getting bereavement councilling. just recently my gran died my head is so messed up i feel everyone close to me leaves me.anyone know how i am feeling and how do you cope.

 

digit

[avman]

Hello digit and welcome to eNotalone,

 

I'm so sorry to hear of your fathers death. I just passed the 4th anniversary of my fathers death. The first year is extremely difficult and I understand exactly what you are saying.

 

Unfortunately you are right, eventually everyone dies. Its something we all know, yet don't really like to accept. It hurts. Very deeply. I know when my dad died I almost felt like an orphan. Because even though I still have my mother, my father was my hero and the one I looked up to.

 

My father never got to see my daughter born. It was his only granddaughter - all the other grandkids are boys. And I was so disappointed because I knew he would have loved her and spoiled her rotten.

 

You've asked how you cope. The answer is, one day at a time. You are going to have really bad days. Then some not so bad days. Then some really awful days again. Its a painful process. But you don't have to go through it alone. The grief counseling is an excellent idea. And also, call up your friends when you get low and cry with them. Don't be afraid to bother them. They will want to help you.

 

And we also will help you however we can. If nothing else we can offer our support and a shoulder to lean on. Many of us have been through this process and can offer our assistance.

 

Please do PM me if you'd like to talk. I would be happy to speak with you about this.

 

avman

[zerlina]

Digit,

I am so sorry for your loss. I know you feel pretty inconsolable right now. The bereavement counseling is a good thing. I lost my dad suddenly at 21 and I know how you feel. It is important to remember that these people would not have left you by choice. Try to remember all the love that they showed you. And stay in touch with close friends, people who really care for you and who will listen to you in a year or two when you feel the loss. It does get better! So hang in there. There are things that you will miss sharing with these people that you have lost and there is nothing I can say to change that, but maybe it helps you to know that other people understand and they feel it too. My dad will not be at my wedding if I ever get married. He will never know any children I have. But depending on your beliefs, maybe they are still with you but in a different way.

 

Anyway, there are people out there who understand. Hang in there!

 

z

[digit]

thankyou for welcoming me to the board, i am struggling quite hard, i had two car crashes two weeks apart which as caused anxiety, panic and depession. it has brought lots of memories of my dad and gran,they were so important in my life but i do try to think of the good times but i cant the bad takes over. i cant look at photos of them it hurts too much.somebody said i should and talk lots about them,but i find myself missing them more.i think i dont no where to start.

 

jane.

[mahlina]

Hi Jane....

 

I'm sorry to hear about your father/gran's death. My father died too, when I was young. I know how devastating it feels to have someone that you love so much walk out of your life so suddenly, but you know what, your father probably taught you more than you probably know it. In other words, with his impact on your life, and your current pain, you a stronger person than you know it.

 

At times when growing up, I really missed my dad, especially when I needed him most when growing up through adolescence. I would always cry to myself and ask God to bring my dad back. I needed a father. My mother's job was always unstable, and we lived in the worst parts of an urban city, which made it unsafe for a single mother, trying to raise afamily.

 

We suffered through a car accident right after my father passed away, Our car flipped over on the oppossite side of the freeway, and caught on fire. I had 1st to 2nd degree burns all over my face and parts of my body. I went through a severe coma, and missed out on almost 2 years of schooling.

 

I cried every night that I spent alone in the recovery room, wishing that my father was there. The entire situation was depressing. I didn't have my mom or dad. But, now that I think of it, all of his good intentions and past drama made me the person that I am right now. Kid's made fun of my scars, but I would cling onto the memories of his love for me, which helped me to repel from their ignorance. I carried on. Eventually, with the aid eastern medicine, all of my facial scars actually went away.

 

I swear, he probably somehow, in someway, helped me to find that remedy. I love him, and pictures of him only remind me of my past, and only serves as an inspiration to my endeavors.

 

I now have a stepfather, who is just like my dad. I am thankful until this day that God brought a father-figure into my life again! Things happen in it's own mysterious ways, but somehow, in the end, someone is listening. I truly believe that my father brought my stepdad into my life to look after me. I truly believe that if your father does have unfinished business with you and your children, then he will look after you guys in heaven.

 

I didn't realize it, but all of the pain that I went through brought me a sharper preception of life. My experience woke me up, and shook my soul. You might feel depressed and alone, but your father is still there, and feels your pain. I truly believe that if your happy, then he's happy. If you're sad, then he will feel sad too.

 

I think that's where you get the continuity between the spirituality between life and death, respect and reverance for ancestors. He will always be there for your heart/mind. He will look after you, and make sure that you and your children are in good hands. This is all a learning lesson, it is a delicate part of our 'life cycle'.

 

Your pain will lesson in time. Having faith will help do the healing. Try to hold onto the little things that make your day worth living. Appreciate the people who are still alive right now, because you never know when they're gone. And cherish your happiness/sorrows. Know that he and your gran are in a better place. Keep your father's and gran's words of wisdom, and carry it onto your children. One day, when they're all grown up, you'll be surprised to see their reflections in your children's eyes.

 

Here are some songs that might be inspirational for you right now

 

Evanescence "My Immortal"

Breath "Hands to Heaven"

Mike N' the Mechanics "In the Living Years"

Madonna "Cherish"

(These are a few among some of the songs that motivate me to get back on my feet, when I reflect on my father and my past.)

 

Despite the seemingly endless pain, I hope that my story will help you to realize that things will work out in the end. You will gain strength. Take care.

[digit]

thankyou mahlina, you have given me somethings to think about i have never looked at it the way you are saying.i just felt when i had the car crashes i just wished that they would let me be with my dad and gran,but god never wanted this. he wanted me to be with my kids. i have and still have suicidal thoughts because i feel i am worthless to the kids.they tell me they would rather have me ill than not at all, kids 12 and 13. i know how i am feeling about my dad no one knows how my kids would feel about me. i am struggling with life but trying to be strong.

 

jane,

[avman]

The best way to honor your father is to be the best parent you can to your children. He would want that for his grandkids. And its a reflection of him in how you raise them. Tell them the stories of your father. Pass the memories on to your children. Because if you leave, then they will have nothing at all.

 

Its ok to not look at the photos for awhile. Just put them away and you can pull them out again later when you are stronger.

 

You will be ok. Hang in there my friend.

[digit]

thanks avman, when i get a bit stronger i will be able to talk to the kids about there grandad because he meant the the world to me. my son had a special bond with him he crys quite often about him, i think we just want the hurt to go away or a least be easier. i am really glad i found this forum i feel everyone is understanding me.

 

 

jane thanks again.

[SAMMIE]

HI SORRY FOR THE LOSS OF YOUR DAD I REALLY KNOW HOW YOU FEEL AND ITS TERRIBLE

MY DAD DIED IN JUNE 03 HE WAS ONLY 51 HE WAS MY ROCK I STILL CANT BELIEVE HIS GONE I STILL CRY EVERY SINGLE DAY I HAVE THREE YOUNG BOYS AND THEY MISS HIM SO MUCH LIFES SO UNFAIR I FEEL LIKE I CANT COPE SOME DAYS THEN OTHER DAYS I FEEL STRONGER BUT THE PAIN INSIDE NEVER GOES AWAY I SEE MY MUM EVERYDAY SHE IS SO LOST WITHOUT MY DAD THEY WERE TOGETHER FOR 32 YEARS NO ONE WILL EVER REPLACE MY DAD HE WAS OUR ROCK LIFE IS SO EMPTY WITHOUT HIM I MISS HIM SO MUCH .

MY BOYS KEEP ME GOING BUT DEEP INSIDE THE PAIN HURTS SO MUCH I FIND THE BEST THING TO DO IS TO TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME AND WHEN I NEED TO CRY I CRY I DONT CARE WHERE I AM ITS GOOD TO HAVE A CRY IT TAKES TIME TO GET STONGER

ALL THE BEST

SAMMIE

[digit]

thanks for your replys, i have started counciling, not sure what i do, i have other problems such as domestic violence[in the past] depression lots, and my kids walk all over me, i just feel i have failed in so many ways.

[KayM05]

OMG,yes i know how u feel...but im only 14 n i lost my father when i was 8...its soo hard n i miss him so much i was wit my dad when he died too...my father was my hero...i loved him soo much n now tat hes gone i dont know wat to do sometimes i wanna kill myself my life isnt da same witout him i just keep seein his face n hearin him when i close my eyes sometimes ill lay in bed n cry cuz i want him back soooooo bad........but life will get betta n ur father would want u to be happy n move on but i know its hard as well

[digit]

the counciling is very hard, going through how my dad died is hurting so much, its like it only happened yesterday.they say it gets worse before it gets better.how worse can it get.