Getting my ex to 'see the light'

[GeeCee]

So ... I am 38 years old, divorced and really should know better!!! But here's my story. I am an attractive, intelligent woman who has been divorced for four years - divorce initiated by me, but very difficult and traumatic.

 

I have dated casually in the last year, but would not allow myself the opportunity to be open and thereforeeee to love. However, this all stopped when I met Martin - from the very first date I knew that this was different. But, I pretended that it was all casual and light. He was in an eerily similar situation, same length of time divorced and like me, although liked the idea of being in a relationship, would not allow himself to do it for fear of being hurt. So we spent the next eight weeks quite blissfully, and then he invited me away for the weekend and talked of me meeting his friends (a very big step for him, I know), and we had a wonderful weekend, gorgeous. There was one mistake on my part, on the Saturday he was ill and we could not go out in the evening, and so we stayed in the hotel - him in bed. At about 12.00 pm, I decided to go down to the hotel bar and have a drink and sat chatting to some people we had met the night before. In retrospect, this was not a good thing to do - but I felt that with him being ill, it would be best to leave him to sleep and not disturb him - I sleep very little - and did not want him pissed off with me. Next day all seemed fine.

Following day we went back home and suddenly phone calls ceased. Three days later, managed to speak to him - very casual and that night I texted to find out what his problem was - everythings ok he says, just very busy, and pondering us.

At this stage, I am distraught. We still do not speak and two days later i text him to call me and he does that night and simply says I don't think that this relatinship is going anywhere - I think you are lovely, sexy, intelligent, fancy the pants of you but.... I insist that we meet and talk - ok he says - next week - no, I insist now. Eventually he agrees and we meet only for him to say more of the same.

We leave, agreeing to be friends. Contact has been minimal since, casual texts.

I have resisted any contact from him this week and there has been none from him.

I know that he was very interested in me, and I know that somewhere along the line I have blown it, but can't help feeling that it is salvageable.

Any ideas guys?

[Athena]

GeeCee,

I'm sorry to hear that things are not working out as you would have liked.

 

My take on it is this, firstly, we can't make people tell us the WHY of their decisions. Often times, I think, they themselves aren't even forsure of the why. All you can do sometimes is accept the final decision and leave it at that. It becomes a matter of respect.

 

Second thing is I think it was a bad idea to leave him alone in the hotel room while he was sick. The only way I can see that being ok is if you both chatted about it he was insistent that he was ok with it. How long were you gone for? Were you drinking and did you return to the room under the influence?

 

If in fact the reason for his change of heart is the hotel incident, then I would think an unsolicited apology on your part would go a long way. Thing is, you don't know whether or not that is the reason for his disinterest. So, understanding that, you could go ahead and apologize, which I think you should do regardless, but don't expect that to change his heart back because it may not be the reason.

 

It's hard to not know why it is that others break up with us. But alot of the time, people for some reason are not comfortable telling us - the confrontation often prevents them from doing so. So, sometimes we just have to accept that we don't know why and let it go at that.

 

-A

[Princess777]

Greetings,

 

I understand you are distraught over your guy's recent actions. The previous poster had some good questions. I have another.... you met these people in the bar, but were they men, women, or a combination? He possibly saw this as a threat to the relationship, because you chose to spend time with people you had only known one night rather than nurse him back to health.... (I know that you didn't think about that at the time)... but especially since he knew that you knew that he was sensitive to being hurt. It also sounds like maybe he was just "waiting" for you to screw up, in order to take the blame off himself of not feeling secure enough in himself to commit, this way he could just break up with you and blame you for the failure. Now, of course I don't know this.... just trying to throw things out there. He might not be totally over his ex either. I agree, you might not ever know the real reason he broke up with you. Even if you apologize to him, it probably will go in one ear and out the other but you should definitely try. If I were you I would write him a letter telling him that you were admittedly out of line, it won't happen again, and that you feel really terrible that you made a bad decision to leave him alone. I would tell him that you would never intentionally do anything to jeopardize your relationship with him and that since you had never been around him when he was sick, you weren't sure what he wanted you to do. (this is all, of course, if this is true)..... Be honest with him. Its all you can do at this point. Once you mail the letter, don't initiate any more contact. Give him plenty of time for it to sink in.

 

Good luck,

[GeeCee]

Thanks for your advice, Athena and Princess - someones paying £50 an hour for this stuff - I thank you from the bottom of my heart!!

You have both made some pertinent points. When we went to the hotel room, I stayed with M for a coupe of hours, and he kept saying how bad he felt for me and I kept saying the same. Eventually, he wanted to sleep, and we talked and decided that I would go down to the hotel bar and have a drink. I did this and was gone for about 1.5 horus. When I returned I was sober and he was asleep. I spent the time in teh bar with a guy we had befriended the night before (gay) counselling him about his love-life.

We are both independent, M and me, and so the next morning, when he asked me how long I had been in the bar, I lied and made it sound like I had been there for three hours, rather than the hour and a half. I did not want him to think that my entertainment was dependent on him. Idiotic!!!

Mistake number 3 (or is it 333) was comopletely out of my hands. The waiter in the hotel (unfortunately a gorgeous young Brazilian) had been in the bar the previous night, although we only exchanged greetings, but he greeted me in the morning with Hi gorgeous and M then asked 'was he in the bar'. Reply, yes, but only briefly.

Of course I have to apologise, and of course it might do nothing. But please, a gorgeous relationship, developing wonderfully. How fragile are men and how easy is it to close yourself off to the possibility of love? Go ahead and shout, argue, sulk. But this guy will barely give me the time of day at the moment.

After he dumped me, I did not initiate contact, and then four days later he texted are you ok. I ignored this and he did so again the next day and I responded a couple of hours later. Then, every few days I would text him, keeping it light and he always responded. A week later I called him and suggested that we go for a drink. We arranged this, but unfortunately it had to be cancelled due to him being away with work (he is often away0. This week, there has been no contact from either side as he is away with his children on holiday.

I know I have to apologise, but I need to do that in person. So, somehow or other, I have to devise a plan to meet him, while making him think it is his idea!!!

I refuse to be broken by this - it is way tooooo important.

G xx

[neallo82288]

Well, I agree with both people that you should apologize, but I would not mention not doing it again nor would I mention the relationship. These things make you appear weak and needy, which you do not want him to feel sorry for you. You have to be strong and realize that the stronger you are the weaker he will be. Write the letter if you feel you need to, but I recommend a no contact and make him look for you. He loves you and that is seen, but he needs to see this for himself and with you texting him all the time he will not see what he has lost and what he missed out on. Make him miss you. But it is not enough for you to take time away from contacct, but you need to work on yourself. You need to heal in order to make the relationship a better thing. Healing takes time and you must honor this. Everytime you talk to him you will feel more and more pain and confused. You need to ease this pain so you can talk to him without all of this past baggage you two have. You need to know that If you two start a new relationship, it will be better if you leave the past relationship where it belongs in the past. Yes you have a past with him, but right now you have alot of hurt allso.