Thought she was interested, now not sure...

[joe83]

Note to moderators: I posted about the same thing in the "Dating Forum" because I didn't know this board existed. So please delete that one if you are going to delete one

 

I met an unbelievably great girl this semester. We are part of a writing class and have been placed into a group of four for the semester. Anyway, we got to talking one day and she mentioned she likes hockey so I asked her to a game. First time I had ever asked a girl out, which may contribute to me doubting whether or not she thought it was a date or if she just thought we were going as friends. On the night of the game I saw her and we were both slightly more dressed up than usual which I took as a promising sign. We also both had tests that afternoon. Just before our tests, she called and asked if we could reschedule it for someother time. I really like this girl so I said "Sure" and that I would see her the next day.

 

The next day as part of the class, we toured a brewery (I bet you wish you had this class ) together. I had a good time, and I think she did too. Afterwards, she suggested lunch. She never mentioned the previous night which struck me slightly odd. Anyway, we had a nice lunch that had periods of silence but they weren't awkward if that makes any sense. At the end of the meal, I picked up the bill and she wanted to pay half, I asked her "Aww, I can't get it?"... she accepted.

 

I know the general rule is that if you cancel a first date, it means "I wasn't interested, and only said yes because I couldn't say no" but I know she would be tired (heck I was tired) and she did say reschedule. If she was not interested at all I think she would not have let me buy her lunch without a fair amount of talking. Towards the end of the day we talked briefly about fishing. I told her my friends and I were going next friday and invited her along. She said, I'll have to see. Usually not a great answer but I probably should never have invited her, that could potentially be stressful, and awkward (and a full week, is a long time away in college) Here is my dillema, I am not sure where she stands and for every point for and can think of one against. I really like her (more so than any other girl I have ever had a crush on) but I feel that if I completely open up and she, this whole time, thought of me as a friend and nothing else we could end up making the rest of the semester really awkward especially because we are in the same group.

 

Help!

 

--Joe

[Down-In-A-Hole]

Hello, I am in a similar college class situation and I have a suggestion:

 

You made your first move to show that you are interested in her. Now you have to be patient and trust the fact that if she is interested in you that she will ask you out or reschedule herself. You WILL make things awkward if you keep asking her out. Like I said, if she wants to date, the ball is in her court as you have already made your move. Save yourself the awkwardness and play it cool.

[ilinara]

As she wanted to reschedule the first date it is ok and as you don't know each other for a long time I am quite sure that she doesn't know how to interprete your interest right now. Just take it step by step and don't open up until you can be sure. If I was that girl, right now, it would look to me as, ok he is asking me out but I am not sure if it is meant friendly.

[joe83]

The only problem I see is that she might be waiting for me to reschedule the hockey game. I hate for both of us to be waiting for the other one, but I also would hate to be pressing her, when all she wants is for me to leave her alone.

 

If I could do it over again, I would never have invited her fishing, that was a terrible idea. That is the kind of thing you do when she knows you really well (and knows the people you hang out with).

 

Should I speak with her in private and just ask her, "When I asked you to the hockey game did you think I was asking you as a date, or just as a friend?" If she says date, then cool, if friend then better luck next time. That could also be embarrassing for both of us. I am leaning towards just just seeing how she acts towards me for the next few weeks. Or if I ask her to do something like dinner and a movie which sounds more like a date than a sporting event (note to self: sporting events for first dates = bad

 

--Joey

 

PS for actual first dates in the future, does not kissing a girl automatically make her think you aren't interested?

[ilinara]

PS for actual first dates in the future, does not kissing a girl automatically make her think you aren't interested?

-> It's the way you behave when you are with her, sensitive etc. (do not act like a buddy).

 

She would not invite you for lunch if she wants to be left alone.

I would ask her out again on the right occasion. Like you did with the hockey while you were just talking about it. Or ask her if she still wants to go to the hockey game.

 

Should I speak with her in private and just ask her, "When I asked you to the hockey game did you think I was asking you as a date, or just as a friend?"

->No, could be she will not give you an honest answer.

Just relax, as long as you do not say obvious stuff she will not be sure what kind of interest you are showing. Just ask her out and keep it this way, time will show.

[joe83]

Thanks Ilnara. During the past few days I decided that I was going to play it cool. I wasn't going to even follow up on the fishing thing because it was a mistake to ask her in the first place.

 

Today, she sends me an email and says that her brothers birthday is this weekend and she will be out of town...implying she would not be able to go. My first reaction was, okay cool, I never brought it up again and she wanted to make sure I knew she remembered. Then I thought, again 2nd guessing, maybe this is her way of saying please don't ask me again.

 

I think she is being honest with me and if I didn't have a crush on her I probably would drop any further pursuits. Should I say nothing more? Should I ask her out next weekend or wait a few weeks and then ask?

 

If she is trying to be nice and not hurt my feelings by saying "You repulse me go away" she is doing it with mixed signals. I wish she would just give me a clear sign...

 

--Joey

[ilinara]

She would not tell you that she will be out of town if she would prefer not to be asked out again. She is telling you in advance that she will not be able to. So it is on her mind and she cares enough to tell you, otherwise she would face the possibility to lose your interest.

Ask her out again and do not wait for weeks to do that. Could confuse her whether you are interested or not.

If she is not sure if you are interested how can she give you a clear sign (some girls will some girls will not). I don't see any mixed signals from what you have written here. She is not giving very obvious signs that's all.

[joe83]

Ilinara, your advice is again right on the money. I have always been really shy and have had 3 or so girls that I wish I had asked out but couldn't summon the courage. So my inexperience dating may be what makes my questions and concerns sound stupid.

 

The mixed signals have reconciled themselves.

 

--Joey

[Hair_Metal_4_Life]

Hey Joe,

 

I can see exactly what you are talking about because I was just in your situation too. Me and this girl who I definitely liked went bowling, tennis, restaurants each time I asked her to come. But I had no real idication whether she thought this as more than just friendship. Like you I kept wondering and tried to look for signs either way. I still did not know for sure.

 

Then like with you she cancelled our date on Valentine's because she said she had plans with her family to go skiing. However that didnt mean she wasnt interested it turns out, like with you she bothered to tell you she cant make and gave a leginimate reason for it and i think that is a sign in your favor. You gotta accept that and not see it as a rejection. Her brother's bday is definitely a good enough reason and you shouldnt assume it is a lie because you got no reason to doubt her. And even if she is lying so what, just because she doesnt want to spend time with your friends it doesnt mean she doesnt want to spend time with you.

 

With me it drove me crazy not knowing how this girl felt about me. Luckily a mutual friend got us together and asked us if we were dating and that helped break the ice. It turns out she does care for me more than just a friend and the signs were not there because she is a shy person when it comes to relationships. So you shouldnt get discouraged if there are no obvious signs either because that doesnt mean she is not interested. In the future we will try to be more open with our feelings. I hope you were able to see some parrallels between my story and yours. I think there is still a chance for a realtionship here given several reason, you too need to try to communicate with each other.

[joe83]

Good points. I am glad to see I am not the only one in this situation

 

I honestly believe everything she said. I would have done the same thing, and if anything I like the fact that family is important to her, because it is to me as well I made a mistake in asking her to hangout with 5-6 of my friends (all guys).

 

Do you have any advice on how to induce a sign one way or the other where it doesn't look like I am trying to? Other than asking a friend to ask her.

 

I hope that we feel the same way but I am not sure, so I end up making everything a make or break issue. One of those "mixed signals" was that she used to sit next to me in class, then after we had a "date" (more like an outing) another girl would sit between us. Later she started sitting next to me again. Sound stupid? You bet. If we didn't work together in groups until May, I would be less intimidated, I just know that if things don't work out, it could be an awkward few months.

 

--Joey

[Hair_Metal_4_Life]

Interpruting signs I think is more of an art than a science. I dont think you will ever know from signs alone if she is interested with significant confidence and sometimes guessing is dangerous. I would just ask her to do somethign with you again (but this time make sure you think it out) and go from there. Good luck!

[joe83]

Thanks Hair.

 

She has been giving me what I think are positive signs. I am trying to think of something I can do with her that can pop up in conversation.

 

For some reason I find one on one situations a little awkward. The only time it doesn't feel that way is when I know someone really well. So I would like to invite her to something where a continuous conversation isn't necessary.

 

For the women that read the boards, has a guy that you had no attraction to whatsoever, ever complimented your looks (preferably not a stranger) and it did not result in awkward situations from there on? She looked fantastic last week, more so than usual, and I wanted to say something, but I chickened out because I worried that it might make her feel weird. Maybe its me that is weird?

 

--Joey

[ilinara]

Maybe she tried to look fantastic for you?

[joe83]

Hope so

 

Since next weekend starts Spring Break, I will just tell her how beautiful she looks. If she is interested then, she can spend Spring Break thinking about it (I know I will), and if she isn't it gives her a week to forget I said anything. Flawed logic?

 

She has messed me up but good

 

--Joey

[joe83]

Well, I told her. Her name is Jess, and I casually mentioned that all the people in my phone have prefixes on their names like SushiAlex, ReligiousSteve etc. So she asked what her's was and I said Gore, as in GoreJess(I told her to say it aloud) she wrote that she disagreed but I think she was flattered because I told her that again today, in person this time, and she (blushed a little? and...) looked down and kind of laughed. I think that is possibly a good sign?

 

I think I am going to try to ask her out for next weekend.

 

--Joey

 

Ps, oh yeah, and today, the day after I told her how great she looks she just about knocked me over with the way she looked today...

[joe83]

Okay, well I think this is a bad sign.

 

I talked to her today in class to see if she was busy this weekend. She mentioned that she did not have a report due until two weekends from now, so I thought it would be a good weekend to ask her out. After class as we were walking out I asked her if she had seen the Lady Killers. She said no, so I came back with, "Would you like to see it this weekend?" She said, "I don't know" followed by what felt like a full minute of silence, but it was probably only 10 seconds. and then said "Yeah, it seems like there is something I am supposed to do this weekend. " I said ok, then she said "but if I am free I'll call you."

 

I have a feeling I am not going to get a call. If I don't, I should take that as a rejection right?

 

On the bad side, of course is the rejection from the girl, on the good side, I now know rejection isn't the end of the world and hopefully asking girls out in the future will be easier. She was the first girl I had the nerve to ask out. Still is kind of a bummer...

 

--Joe