whirlingbird Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 This is my first post, and I was looking for somewhere I could go and talk, and maybe get some help and advice about some different things. My son is 6. His father died when I was 7 months pregnant with him in a car accident. It was just a regular Wednesday, I was on my way home from work and he wasn't answering his phone. I assumed he had gone out or something and didn't want to hear me complain. I came home to a note on the door to please call the police when I got home. I saw a police car sitting up the street. Honestly, I thought he had done something, like hit a car and left the scene or something like that. He was 21, I was 22. He wasn't very responsible and drove like an idiot. He'd hardly ever wear his seatbelt, and I guess never thought it would happen to him. Well, it did. He was going almost 70 mph in a 30 mph zone, hit a bump in the road, bottomed out, lost control of his car, and crashed into a tree. It was 4:00 in the afternoon. Also killed was his co-worker, who he was driving home. Neither of them were wearing seatbelts. I'm crying as I'm writing this, like it was yesterday. I'm seven months pregnant and picking out a coffin, I'm in the hospital and they bring me a celebratory dinner for two, but there was only one, and I can't even think about it. My parents hated him, and probably rightfully so. He did some not so great things, and the whole relationship was really hard on me. It's easier, to look back, in hindsight, and see some of the crap. I loved him, but God, sometimes I know my son is better off. It's so awful and horrible to say, but he will never be disappointed by his dad, and God forbid my beautiful boy had been in the car with him. I'm still so mad at him. Mad at him for leaving me with all the responsibilty of our son, who deserved to have a father. I finished my Bachelor's degree at night, I worked full time, and I have worked really hard to give us a nice life. I am in a relationship with someone else now, he also has a son, but I can't shake this feeling of unhappiness sometimes, this inability, to let go of this anger that I still feel towards him, and this sadness that he has just missed everything with his son, everything, not one thing was he here for. There's no one else who loves him as much as me. I mean, of course my family loves him and has been awesome, but there won't ever be someone who loves him like me, it would be easier if he had just up and left because the hurt and anger would be justified, but instead I'm just pissed off at someone who has been gone a long time now, I feel like no one understands and I have no one to talk to about it. I always think something bad happened, if someone is late, if my boyfriend is late coming home or my mom picks up my son at school and I hear there is an accident on the highway and she doesn't answer her phone, I am in a near panic attack. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and I don't want to be like that anymore. I went to counseling a little but it's $50 a session with my insurance, and honestly, I don't have the extra $400 a month right now. People around me probably think I'm crazy, and that I should have let it go a long time ago, and I just feel like I want to, but I don't know how. That is, if they knew, I guess. My mom kept saying, "You have to just pick yourself up by your bootstraps and go on" and that's what I tried to do. But I need to let him go and rest in peace and know that he loved me in his way, and he was young and did the best he knew how. I find it so hard to open up to people, even my boyfriend, about the way I really feel. It's so much easier to laugh and joke and pretend like things don't bother me when they are eating away at me inside. Suggestions? Ha. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 There might be a support group in your area for people grieving a loss. You are still grieving and that's okay...perhaps a support group might be more beneficial because there will be others there who have a better understanding of what it is like to lose someone...especially under those circumstances. Maybe the funeral home will be able to assist you in finding an appropriate support group. You were left picking up the pieces so it is understandable that you are angry..because it was due to his foolishness that he is not around to help raise his son. You need to somehow find a way to let go of the anger..and maybe a support group will help you do that. Link to comment
chocolates Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 Something t came to mind. Well I know this is completely different, but when my parents died I happened to go to this art exhibition and they had this thing where you could go into this little "house" and write a letter expressing sorrow or regret, or anger to someone, and put it in an envelope and wrote whether other people could read it or not , and stuck it on the wall. And leave. Now what I am suggesting is that you write a letter to him, and get it all out. Dont show it to anyone, but in fact maybe you could address it, but address it so it wont go anywhere , Like use his name (maybe just first name0 make up a bogus address like for example Matthew (i hope thats not his real name) 25 Heaven Street Regret 4536 or whatever It will end up in a dead letter office, and it will just stay there. Sending it out to the universe This is probably a dumb idea, but what you really need to do is find an outlet for you anger and regret and sadness. Link to comment
chocolates Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 and when i did that there was a feerie eeling that my parents DID read it. It was quite a release. I dont think it was as much as writing the letter, but the ceremony of it, putting it in an envelope, putting it on the wall, leaving. Link to comment
timetoremember Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 Is his grave close to you? Is there a place where you can go and just be with him and just tell him...everything...tell him your mad at him for being so stupid not wearing a seatbelt, for leaving you with a son without a dad...cry, scream and rant all you want. Keep going back until you can't be mad anymore....but at the same time, be grateful everyday that he helped give you a son for who you love more than anything in this world as I'm sure he did too although he never saw him born in the physical world, I'm sure he was watching from above and regrets what he did that now keeps him from both of you. Let him go, to move on and with that may come peace for you. Peace be with you. Link to comment
Dagless Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 Hi whirlingbird, have you tried writing down your feeling maybe in a journal or diary. You could try writing a letter to your sons father, telling how you feel about the life you shared together, about your anger at what happened. It may help you to get some of it out. People can't be forced to let things go and move on, they can only do that when they are ready too. Link to comment
heaven66 Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 I'm still so mad at him. Mad at him for leaving me with all the responsibilty of our son, who deserved to have a father. it's ok to be mad at him..I know I have times I have to scream and get mad because my husbnad past away and Im alone with the twins and I have to be mom and dad...it really is devestating...I also freak out when I haer the police or the ambulance..I have to call everyone in my family to see if all is ok...its bad...and believe me there are more stories..people think im crazy....Good Luck to you and just look besides you...its your son..he will help you get threw this. Link to comment
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