if he dated anyone it would be me

[poppyseed]

A month and a half ago my boyfriend of 5 years told me he didn't want to be in a relationship. It just didn't feel right anymore. There had been lots of stress for him from family, school and lack of money. I never wanted to add to the burden but somehow I did. He said his life never changes, always the same people and same problems. I suppose I was the only thing he could change. This hurt me grealty. He always told me I was his favorite person and was so beautiful and perfect for him. He even designed his character for his comic after me. Were going to be married then he said he wasn't sure awhile back. I posted awhile ago that he was very serious about that fact that I was his best friend and he didn't want to lose me. He says I am very special and wonderful but we just weren't working anymore as a couple. I made the begging and reasoning mistake. I even tried to kiss him, he said I was being mean because he still found me attractive but didn't want to date. He says he doesn't want to date anyone for awhile but can't promise that we will ever be together again. He says he is jerk and feels guilty. I tell him not to, that I am understanding, things were to stressful. But I think they will be different now that I have forgiven and forgotten things in the past. He says it isn't my fault. That if he dated anyone it would be me. This all makes no sense. I try no contact, he gets his feelings hurt and doesn't understand why we can't be friends. He keeps asking me to do things with him, I do trying to be this friend he needs. But he is not my bestfriend anymore because I feel pain around him. I have all my classes with him and share all my friends. We get along great when I play I don't care. We truly are the best of friends. But yesterday he asked me to cut his hair, it was very long. I did it and began to cry. He looked just as he did when we fell in love. It was too painful and I canceled my plans with our friends and him, stupidly asked if he was sure he didn't love me. He gets all screwed up in the face when I ask and says I guess not, I don't know why. I went home and called him later. He never believes me when I say were done and can't be friends, so I told him he has to believe it now. I told him he doesn't need me, he has plenty of other friends. He said this wasn't true, that he does need me, something he would not admitt right before our break up. Well he knows I am gone know. Today is the day he asked me to be his girl five years ago. Is he sad, numb, angry? Ill never know and I won't see him or speak to him till class on Tues. He says he misses cuddling and parts of our relationship and me, but doesn't know if can ever see me the same again...that is how we left it. Does this kid love me and is just confused? Does he think it needs to feel like the beginning to be true love? He says he is ready to see me with other guys, but of course he will be jealous. I can't take another second, how will I face him in school? Will it take another girl before he realizes he loves me? I will be crushed and gone before that is through. When will I be ready to his friend again? Ever? To lose someone so close is like having a part of you die. He was at my house all the time, was it just an escape? He has not felt it yet because I was there for him. Will he not need me soon? He made no sound when I told him, I asked if he wanted to say anything to me. He said there was nothing to say, I made decision and there was nothing he could do, he said he felt sad. But that is him he complains about pesimisim, but he is a defeatist. His parents gave him no help with college, so I got him in. He gives up. I fight. It is our only true difference. I fear that even if he doesn't learn to live with out me he will never say so, he will assume I am better off.

[Beec]

OK, so you want him back.

 

First understand the no contact rule and why people like it. No contact does two things: it removes you from the thing hurting you; and it prevents you from acting in a way that costs you your chances at reconciliation. If you are not hurting and don't want to reconcile, don't worry about it. If you are and might act in a way to lose him for good, then minimize contact. FYI, crying while you cut his hair was showing all your cards, that he could walk back in tomorrow and might have hurt a bit. If you can handle the contact and act disaffected by him, then don't worry about it. Right now, you cannot it seems, so minimize contact.

 

He is in class with you, so no contact is not possible. Act disaffected. Act like nothing is wrong, you won't be able to, but try.

 

When you are ready to move into getting him back, be ready to manipulate. Who are the people we like? The people who are fun to be around, the people who make us feel good, people who make us feel good about ourselves, people who treat us special. This is all a way of getting you to realize that you should make him feel emotionally fulfilled. He will gorw to be dependent on you and those feelings, he will love them and you because of them.

 

What else do you do, while this is happening: remain or act independent, alloof, vague, NOT NEEDY. We do not want people who will be dependent on us.

 

Eventually, you will have to move him into the area of threatening to lose that on which he has become dependent. But while you do that, you should also be moving him into the idea that all those things he says he is not or cannot be, he can and will be for you.

 

Is it manipulative? Maybe yes, but it it wrong if you do it for the right reason?? I think not.

[poppyseed]

I didn't speak to him in three days after friday, then he called Sunday about our homework. He said "Ill see you tomorrow" I said, no I won't be there Doc. app. (true) he says "Ill see you when you drop off your assignment". I said if you are up yet (he always sleeps in when something is due) I made a point to get in and out of there before he showed up, but I saw his car pull in the garage right on time (didn't see me). If it was important for him to see me in class today, why did he not call to see if I felt ok? I feel like he shit on me and I don't owe him anything. He slept with me, borrowed $300 for his tuition and family's X-mas preasents, then dumped me a week later. The final fight? Well, I was mad cause he didn't visit me on X-mas. You see, last summer I found out he thought I might not be the one anymore. He felt guilty and didn't want break up and did seem like he needed me. OOPS! Here I thought we were working things out , but he was just getting sick of being in a relationship. I refuse to be de-sexed in eyes because of his own "grass is greener on other side problem" And what the **** is up with that X-mas thing? Damn I miss what he used to be and our friendship but I don't even wanna look at him tomorrow URG! I act happy 98% of the time but that just makes him friendlier and me all screwed up in the head. Why won't he believe Im not his friend outside of class? Cause he doesn't deal with his problems till its too late.

[Beec]

Well, you are still providing details on current events and past history. The question you need to answer is what do you want?

 

What do you want from him?

 

If you know, you can go get it.

 

If you want him, you had better know how to do it before you do. Most people don't have a clue. They think telling them how they feel is being nice will do everything. It won't. You need a plan for seduction, and not jsut sex, but how to make him want to committ.

[poppyseed]

so if you have this magic plan, what is it? I know I still want him, I just don't know if I should. And, say I do get him back, will it be geniune, is any love genuine if you can just mind play people into it? I guess he is manipulting me by being nice enough that I want to be friends, but cold enough that I want nothing else. What exactly do I have to do? Right know I am friendly at school, no contact outside, no talking about "us"

[Beec]

Well basically what I said in my earlier post and, yes, what he is doing. But there is no simple magic plan for you to use. You need to use what he is susceptible to and what you are capable of doing. What does he respond to emotionally? What kind of seducer are you? Do you tend toward the siren like Marilyn Monroe, the coquette, the charmer, etc. Is it manipulative? Maybe. But let's consdier why one is manipulating, because actual love is involved, then there it shoudl be fine. Where you are just trying to get something besides love, then it should be wrong.