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Is this behavior normal? What does it mean?


kindasad
When He's Blowing Hot and Cold
When He's Blowing Hot and Cold

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If you are dating a guy for 2 months and then out of the blue you receive an AOL instant message from the screen name "{your last name}Addict" (i.e. if your last name was Smith, the screen name would be "SmithAddict"). This guy isn't a teenager, he's in his 30's. Is this normal behavior? What does it mean? He has a history of falling head over heals in relationships very fast too.

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If you are dating a guy for 2 months and then out of the blue you receive an AOL instant message from the screen name "{your last name}Addict" (i.e. if your last name was Smith, the screen name would be "SmithAddict"). This guy isn't a teenager, he's in his 30's. Is this normal behavior? What does it mean? He has a history of falling head over heals in relationships very fast too.

 

I think it's cute but then when i read the last bit of what you wrote with him falling head over heels fast, i'd be cautious.

My ex was like this. He was a shallow man with little to offer so played all his cards way to quickly. I am not saying this man is the same, but just be cautious.

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thanks for the responses. I forgot to mention he has done this before with other exes or even people he's seen briefly. I thought it was cute at first but the screen names all have involved the other person's name he's dating and a word like "addict" or "aholic" like "Kimaholic" or "JaneAddict."

 

Is this just a little bit of codependency or a freudian slip for a bigger problem?

 

I don't want a guy who falls hard fast and then throws someone away like a used toy they got bored of.

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Well, you can see a definite history here, for which you are falling into the usual pattern as well so far....

 

How long did the other relationships last - were they all short lived?

 

He has a history of long term relationships, so that's good. Albeit a lot of them have been long distance for a chunk of them. He might have done this with a few girls where it didn't work out too. He said something troubling about 2 of his exes though, which is that two of them have said to him that he's "the one that got away" - so if it is a pattern, I don't want to be left feeling that way too because he came on strong and scared me off.

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Generally, coming on too strong is a red flag... At least something for you to be very cognizant of at the outset...

 

Outside of the screename thing, see if he is moving too fast in other emotional areas... If he is let him know, let him know what pace you are comfortable with, and see what transpires from there. That would tell you something...

 

If however you find out many things in the interim that give you cause for concern, be sure to use your wisdom to make the best decision for yourself....

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Generally, coming on too strong is a red flag... At least something for you to be very cognizant of at the outset...

 

Outside of the screename thing, see if he is moving too fast in other emotional areas... If he is let him know, let him know what pace you are comfortable with, and see what transpires from there. That would tell you something...

 

If however you find out many things in the interim that give you cause for concern, be sure to use your wisdom to make the best decision for yourself....

 

thank you, when you say other emotional areas, are there any specific things I should look out for?

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It's also weird that he does the same thing for everyone - it's like he's following some sort of formula which would also throw up a big red flag for me

 

yeah, it seems that way, like the same pattern over and over. I'm not sure if following a pattern is necessarily a bad thing though.

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thank you, when you say other emotional areas, are there any specific things I should look out for?

 

Suggestions that seem emotionally premature for two months you've known one another, and overly attached, clinging or obsessive sounding expressions or behaviors....

 

Examples are things like, him saying "I know it's very soon but think I love you" (said seriously - not as in jest), 'I want you to have my children", idolizing you as his "miss perfect", suggesting too much time together consecutively (overnights where he doesn't want you/him to leave), pushing levels of deeper sex too quickly, talking about the future in terms of "big ticket" areas such as living together or being together in 10 years.... Asking you too many very personal questions all at once, overdoing contacting you, getting upset if he can't reach you, questioning you too much regarding your friends or where you have been, seeming like you are his main focus of his days everyday out of balance to the rest of his life...

 

In a nutshell, you never want to feel smothered, overwhelmed by him, or that your privacy or space are being invaded...

 

Be very sure to listen to your intuition, and slow it down or change it where it does not feel right. His reaction to your rebalancing things will tell you tons about where he is at emotionally....

 

I don't think I read anywhere whether you have met offline or not - just wondering?

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Maya, your insight has really caused me to rethink this guy, because many many of the things you have mentioned are things that have been going on, particularly the feelings of being overwhelmed and my space being invaded, and him seeming sad if he can't talk to me multiple times a day. He has also said something like "I know it's soon but I care about you very very much" in a very very serious way.

 

We have dated offline as well, but most of these contacts are online or by phone. In person he just seems a bit clingy, but he's more normal because I do allow him to be around me a lot, which he does.

 

I think it's probably best that I distance myself from him, because I don't think he could possibly really be in love with me at this point, he's just in love with being co-dependent on someone, and that probably won't end well for me!

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Hi Kindasad....

 

It did sound "heads up- red-flag" to me, but I'm really glad that you, for your own self, have been able to come to a decision that you feel is the very best for you here.... Good on you for listening to your own feelings about the signs... So many times we get signs but because we want a relationship to work so much, we ignore or rationalize them...

 

See what happens with everything when you distance yourself a little...

 

Take care...

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