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My boyfriends dark secret


volpe

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My boyfriend and I are on vacation in my home town. Everything is going great, but last night we started talking about homosexuality. Because I told him that in the past I had a boyfriend that was interested in a guy friend of mine he asked me if I ever felt that way about him. I said, well maybe, it's possible. He said, no way he has never wanted to be with a guy and he thinks that is a disgusting thought.

 

He said in a country in North Africa where he grew up (in a poor ghetto) there was a difference between giving and receiving. That a guy giving was considered more powerful and receiving was the worst thing that could happen to you, it would be so demeaning. He told me before how someone had raped his younger brother and how another person tried to do the same thing to him but couldn't do it because he couldn't get it up. He said that he was so affected by this that he did the same to 2 or 3 guys, he then corrected himself and said, definitely to one guy that he can remember, at about 5 years old. He said this happened because his older brother did it, and he so he did it too because he did everything his older brother did, even pray. His older brother, however, was doing this in a much more widespread fashion.

 

This was shocking to me. I was stunned. He had a hard time afterwards, and clearly looked upset that he had told me and said so, that he shouldn't have told me that. He said I'm the only one he has ever told about this. He was very focused on the reasons why this happened and that he is not gay, never had any inclinations to do it to anyone when he was older or anything, and that it had nothing to do with sex at all.

 

I am trying to understand and be supportive of him without judging him but it is very hard. Does anyone have any experience with this or know of resources where I can look to understand what happened to him and what he did. I know that he feels bad about telling me what happened. I am struggling with this information that he gave me, if anyone can help me out.

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I wouldn't worry about it. It was a long time ago in Africa. Unless you've lived in that particular town/culture, I imagine it's impossible to make an accurate judgment.

 

So I'd say put it out of your mind. If you can't, then be fair to him and break up with him now. Because you'll never get the peace about it you want by constantly reminding him of it... it'll just kill the relationship slowly until you both break up anyways.

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he did it when he was 5?

i didnt know boys could have sex so early.

 

i think he didnt tell u to offend you. he told u b/c he truly trusts you (i think) and he wanted to share.

an ex of mine once told me he was raped, and it also really stuck on my mind. for a long time, now even, i have a hard time imagining it and the pain he must have gone thru emotionally. i wished it never happened or he didnt tell me, but to me in situations like these, you have to be more sympathetic towards the person who is confiding in you and went thru something traumatic..

i understand it changes the way you see him, but at the same time it happened a LONG time ago. if he was being sincere about it then maybe you should leave this in the past.

maybe he just needed some way to get it off his chest and he wanted to talk to you about it. but when he saw your and his reaction, he felt bad for even saying anything.

 

there's stuff i've done in the past which i'm not proud of... i wouldnt want my bf judging me for it though

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thanks guys, i know, i love him but haven't told him so and this doesn't change how i feel about it. i was just stunned. i remained supportive of him and only said good things, but it was hard for me because my close friends were molested as children and i know how traumatizing it was for them so knowing that he was also a perpetrator is difficult for me to grasp. he is such a sweet person and that doesn't change at all. but it's hard for me to grasp.

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That's crazy that a 5 year old would have the strength to overpower another person as well as the ability to have sex as a "giver". I'm sure this is a difficult thing for him to talk about but I would guess that he is purposefully being vague about the things he "blocked" because he doesn't want to talk about all the details. It is possible he doesn't remember but I think it's more likely that he just doesn't want to get into that much detail.

 

Has he ever been tested for HIV? AIDS is very widespread in Africa.

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That's crazy that a 5 year old would have the strength to overpower another person as well as the ability to have sex as a "giver". I'm sure this is a difficult thing for him to talk about but I would guess that he is purposefully being vague about the things he "blocked" because he doesn't want to talk about all the details. It is possible he doesn't remember but I think it's more likely that he just doesn't want to get into that much detail.

 

Has he ever been tested for HIV? AIDS is very widespread in Africa.

 

They were children. He said this type of behavior was rampant in his community. That if someone did it to you that everyone would tease you, so then you had to be a giver to regain face.

 

He has been tested for HIV many times. He has lived in the U.S. for 11 years now...

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They were children. He said this type of behavior was rampant in his community. That if someone did it to you that everyone would tease you, so then you had to be a giver to regain face.

 

He has been tested for HIV many times. He has lived in the U.S. for 11 years now...

 

I could see that being the situation where if you didn't do it to someone, they would do it to you. Just saying, physiologically I didn't even know a 5 year old could get an erection or have the physical strength to force someone to receive anal penetration.

 

That's really good he doesn't have HIV.

 

Wish I could tell you where to find more info on this.

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I don't know. I'm a first generation American and have traveled to several countries including Africa and I have to be honest, I don't think something like this is the norm in terms of culture, that's why you're having a hard time locating documented reference articles. It sounds more like an isolated incident maybe within his immediate area or family? Kind of like a "ripped from the headlines" type family situation. For him to say it happens a lot in that culture sounds a bit off. Perhaps that was what he was led to believe as a child. That's indeed a heavy subject. Have you considered speaking with a professional?

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I don't know. I'm a first generation American and have traveled to several countries including Africa and I have to be honest, I don't think something like this is the norm in terms of culture, that's why you're having a hard time locating documented reference articles.

 

Africa's a continent, not a country. *nitpicks

 

But, yes, I have never heard of any of this being taken for granted in any culture.

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Hey Africa is a continent

 

On a serious note , i would enquire a little more from ..he was 5 years old ..kids cant really do anything serious ..maybe they were clowning around and he has overblown it in his head...trauma makes us exaggerate things.

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Yes Africa is a continent. It was a country in north africa. No he didn't say in his entire culture it is rampant but he did say from his area, and a lot of men from his country had experienced this type of stuff growing up. but it isn't something that is talked about openly, and i'm the first one he ever talked to about it in his life. his brother was raped growing up and their family acted like nothing happened. he said 5 years old, then he said before 7, he was very emphatic about this. and mentioned that when one boy tried to do it to him that he couldn't get it up, that it was before being aware of sexuality. I didn't ask him more about it because I don't want to force the question. I am going to make an appointment when I get back to school with a counselor so I can talk to a professional about this. I really am not prepared to deal with something like this. I know, however, that he is a good man, a very good man... and I don't want to retraumatize him by forcing him to talk about it either...

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