Who is the Batterer? Gay male relationship

[Steve1]

It has taken me a few weeks to get to the point of posting this thread.

 

Issues that are scary and sad for me to address.

 

I have been reading about same sex domestic violence among gay men.

 

I am concerned that my ex who left me last month after 11 years had become a batterer.

 

I am confused about this though because I responded with escalating violence.

 

Most of our 11 years together was very good - at least content and stable if not really good at regular intervals.

 

In the past year he started drinking a lot of alcohol. I did as well but did not have the ability to drink all day long every day because I am employed.

 

He would get drunk, pissed off, try to block me from leaving the apartment or leaving a room to get away from him. At first I would wrestle him to the floor and hold him down and tell him to basically get a grip, come to bed - or go calm down - whatever.

 

Then when he would do this I would get extremely angry - wrestling him down led to tackling him - which led to throwing him down eventually.

 

This was followed by smacking him - then came the closed fist punches.

 

When I punched him with a closed fist - I think that was when I had worked four 12 hour night shifts in a row and he came in after I fell asleep, turned the lights on, and started yelling at me to get up - I said "this is NOT the time for this - I still have one more shift tonight - I really need my sleep." He persisted. I got up, tackled him to the floor and told him to stop. He said ok, promised he would stop.

 

I let him get back up - he immediately comes at me. Then I am really pissed - exhausted, wide awake. I really felt like I hated him at that moment. I punched him several times and kicked him as well.

 

We both usually ended up with bruises and abrasions.

 

He would tell me that I was ugly and getting fat, that he could go and find a much better looking man and that he would when he left me. I would say similar things back to him.

 

I told him to leave several times and he said that he would not leave. He said that if I called the police on him he would ruin my career as a Registered Nurse.

 

It seemed like he really hated me. He was very depressed, stopped doing things that he loved doing, would not get a haircut.

 

One time he called his father in front of me and said that I had hit him while he was wearing his glasses.

 

This is really sick now that I am actually writing it down.

 

I never imagined that either of us could have gotten to this point of doing these things to each other. It was so different for most of our time together.

 

It was not like either of us started off being a batterer and were just continuing on into the next relationship to manipulate, control, and beat each other. We were really good together.

 

I used to think it was more equal because we are both men - both pretty strong too but I think I am slightly stronger than him in the past few years.

 

The last time he started a physical fight with me I thought I had seriously hurt him - thought I had broken his ribs. He panicked and I got scared.

 

I think we both realized then that this was getting scary.

 

It seems like he was getting progressively miserable with himself and he was lashing out at me because I had a career and was relatively ok with myself.

 

I kept wanting to grab him by the shoulders and say look, it's me - I am here to support you - enough of this ridiculous (and becoming dangerous) lashing out.

 

Now I am concerned that I am also a batterer. All of my adult life my friends have told me that I look like I could hurt somebody but those who know me know that I am harmless/ would not go out of my way to injure someone - I have defended myself a few unfortunate times that I had no other option (i.e. on a subway train and being attacked by a stranger).

 

I remember throughout our time together, I always loved to say upon awakening with him - "you mean I get to wake up next to you for the rest of my life - just what did I do to be such a fortunate man?"

 

We were so good together.

 

I am very sad that this has been poisoned - I want all of that abuse to just disappear and never have happened.

 

Neither of us had those traits that you read about batterers. We did not start there - how in the hell did this darkness come and destroy us?

 

It seems like of course our relationship really has to be over. Like we should not get back together even if both of us wanted to.

 

Then I keep wondering if he had gotten to a point that he really just hated me. During our last argument he screamed at me that he hated me and that I made him miserable.

 

He left last month - unexpectedly - I came home from work to a brief note announcing that he had left - not a letter explaining anything. He moved out of State with a family member.

 

We have not been in contact since. He left just about everything behind except for some clothes. He didn't even take a pair of tennis shoes - just the hiking boots that he normally wears. He left all or our animals behind - I know that he loved them.

 

God I can't believe this happened.

 

I don't like being in this place in life.

 

This is not for the best. For the best is if we had continued on together - WITHOUT beating on each other.

 

Steve

[yeawutever]

Both of you were the batterers and unless you or him goes to anger management plus then there's no point future relationships will work out.

[Gracelove]

Everything will be fine. I know that the end of relationships are rough.

 

Relationships can start off good, be really wonderful. And then they can take a turn for the worst, for many different reasons.

 

And yes, it really hurts, but it's good that the relationship is over.

 

It wasn't working out.

 

And 11 years is a long time. You're going to grieve. There were many wonderful aspects of your relationship. And you'll be able to cherish those one day, without feeling all of the pain. Or focusing on how the relationship ended.

 

You guys fought, and you fought physically.

 

I don't know, it seems a little different, to me. I know that guys fight to release frustration. It doesn't sound like one person was being picked on more than the other, but you would know that for sure.

 

You just have to heal. And then once you're ready you'll find someone new. And you'll take the things you've learned from this relationship, to make your next relationship a success.

[Steve1]

Gracelove

I don't know, it seems a little different, to me. I know that guys fight to release frustration. It doesn't sound like one person was being picked on more than the other, but you would know that for sure. >>>

 

When I read about same sex domestic violence between men they addressed the issue of two men fighting - said that it really was not an equal thing of just two men having a fight. That one was the batterer.

 

I just do not see, even if he was blocking me from leaving the apartment or a rooml, even if he was interfering my ability to get basic needs met like sleep, that it could ever be justified to get to the point where I punched him with a closed fist and kicked him.

 

This makes me really sad to even think that we did this to each other.

 

I sometimes wondered if he needed to prove to himself that he could overpower me physically just to even out his perception of a difference in power.

 

He had full access to the money that we had, full run of our home within reason - we had always operated as a couple with shared power.

 

Not really a time for jokes with this as it negates the fact that I am experiencing intense emotional pain and grief over this but I often joked with friends that I was P***ywhipped by that man - they pointed it out to me first ( I had no problem with it). We both were. We really enjoyed each other on so many levels.

 

He is my husband - we were about to get married formally - just for the legal protections here in California before prop 8 passed.

 

I don't know. I am exhausted right now. Need to sleep. What a nightmare.

 

Thank you for the support and advice.

 

Steve.