engagement advice needed

[beach_babe]

this is my first time posting, but i've read a lot on this site and i'm really hoping to get some advice from people who have experience with this! to put it quite simply, i've discovered (by accident #-o ) that my boyfriend of 3 + years is planning to ask me to marry him this christmas. while i love him very much, i'm just not sure if i'm ready for such a big step. here's a little background on us:

 

We started dating while I was still in high school and he was just about to graduate (he's just 4 months older than me). he left to go to school just a few months after we started dating, and for the majority of our first 2 years together we maintained a long distance relationship. for the past year and a half, we've lived only about an hour apart, both in college (we're both 21, i'm a junior and he will graduate in may). although not my first boyfriend, he is certainly my longest and most serious relationship, and i am very attached to him. we've been through quite a few ups and downs, including 2 "breaks" for a month or two each, but both truly care about each other and enjoy being together. in some ways we are very similar (interests, basic values, and views on having a family), but we are also very different in many ways (family background, views on money, and academic ambition). we do our fair share of fighting, but have gotten pretty good at resolving our arguments and never stay upset with each other for long.

 

over the years, we've talked both casually and seriously about getting engaged. he is an officer in the military, and i think this makes him want to move faster in our relationship because he doesn't know when he could be deployed. i'm very close to his family, and they have always welcomed me as "a future member of the family."

 

while i love him very much and do think that in the future i may want to marry him, i dont know this for sure right now. i still think that i'm too young to be engaged, and while my parents and friends like my boyfriend, i'm worried about how they would react to such a step. part of me worries that he may not be "the one," and i don't want to commit to him now and realize in the future that we are not meant to be. that being said, i know that he has always been very afraid to ask me, and if i said 'no' or 'not yet,' he would be devastated. i know that i can't make my decision based on his reaction, but i don't want to lose him completely over this.

 

i'm really hoping for some advice on how to approach this situation. thank you so much for any and all insight!

[redhearts]

If you have even one doubt, you shouldn't go through with it. If he is VERY young too how is he an officer? I thought you had to be pretty old, as in enough years of experience, to reach that level. There is always pre-marital counseling.

[burnttoast]

well...you can always get engaged and not set a date for a while.

I mean, engaged is not the same as married. It's a step you can take back.

But it sounds like you're really committed to each other and if you're planning on getting married eventually anyway...

[lost1607307474]

If it's not something you want to do in your life just yet, then don't do it. The most important thing, whichever decision you chose to make, is to not be swayed by what other people "might think" but to do whatever you feel you are ready to do.

 

Like another poster said, you can always get engaged and not set a date yet. Because it sounds like you two are talking about and planning to get married to each other eventually anyway, and you sound very committed.

[Sky-Cherries]

You could always make a very casual remark about how you would hate to get engaged at this age. Put yourselves in a situation where there's some reference to someone else being engaged, and then say something like "Jeez, I don't want to get engaged for another 2 or 3 years at least!"

 

That way, you don't have to reject him and break his heart, and he gets the hint at the same time without knowing that you know.

[MollyElise]

Only you know the right answer for you. If I were in your shoes I would probably accept the engagement and proceed with caution, setting a 2 year or something wedding date and really use this next year to decide.

 

Sounds like it's either going to be a yes or a break up, since you are unsure I would go with the yes and a goal of deciding if you want to get married to him. If not, then you need to split up since marriage seems to be so important to him.

[lady00]

Do not get engaged unless you have the intention of getting married. It's not something that you get engaged and then wait and see if it works out. When you get engaged, it is a promise to get married so if you are not ready to make that promise, don't do it. Knowing that in the future you "may" want to marry him is not enough because the reason he is going to ask is that he is sure he wants to marry you. If you are not equally sure, don't say yes.