Love in Limbo!

[Commitmentphobe Magnet]

Thank the lord for this forum and all the wonderful advice! I've been lurking for a day and decided to post my dilema.

 

I've been dating peter for 6 months now.. we've been very hot and heavy seeing each other a whole lot.. but this past weekend turn a very weird turn. We had a little spat and I said some things that he's heard before in his previous relationships about his behavior. After a lengthy discussion and some tear shedding on his part about his detatched relationship with his parents.. I thought we were fine. WRONG! The next day when I woke up he had a nasty attitude towards me and I ended up storming out. He said he needed to be alone and I was fine with that. I called the next day and the next day and the next with no response?? I've emailed him asking if we were over and should I pick up my stuff.. no response to THAT email but he composed a new one saying he was very busy at work and we did talk briefly for the first time today and of course he broke our date to meet at starbucks tonight. Does it sound like we are broken up?? I really have no idea what to do since he's barely responding so any advice is so appreciated! My heart is in complete agony about this

[Michael2]

Glad you came to us.

 

In order for us to really help you out; it would be best if you describe what you said to him. thereforeeee we will have more detailed advice to offer.

[Commitmentphobe Magnet]

Glad you came to us.

 

In order for us to really help you out; it would be best if you describe what you said to him. thereforeeee we will have more detailed advice to offer.

 

Hello Michael and thanks for the welcome. I wanted to see a movie that he balked at.. for the past month anything that I wanted to do he behaved like it was beneath him or stupid and I blew a gasket this weekend and said these exact words "those women who've said you act superior or like you are better than everyone else were right because you act like my suggestions and ideas seem to be beneath you so from now on YOU can decide everything we do since my suggestions aren't good enough" We ignored each other for an hour then He apologized and we had some wine and I thought it was over. A few hours later he grew quiet and distant.. I finally got to what was bothering him and he broke down and cried for an hour. I should say that he's been in therapy dealing with childhood traumas since the summer and has been feeling that it's not helping enough and I suggested that maybe he needs to go twice a week. As he cried he kept repeating "I'm never going to heal.. I'm never going to get better" After listening and consoling him we fell asleep and as soon as I woke up he was mean and asked me to leave. In the 6 months we've been dating I have never seen this. Now he's avoiding me like the plague. I'm so hurt by his behavior.. ignoring my calls and not answering important questions. After breaking our plans tonight I'm not contacting him from here on out. This just aches though especially since I dont know if we are over or not.

[Michael2]

That is a tough situation.

 

Especially when the therapy card comes into play.

 

One thing that I value in regards to myself is my honesty so I will tell you my honest opinion.

 

Can you truly believe, deep down inside, that you will be able to deal with his quirks, something that may become a major problem in the future for both of you?

 

If the answer is yes, then you should attempt to speak with him.

 

If you hesitate anwering that AT ALL, then I suggest you move on. What you said was out of anger and frustration, we all exhibit this form of emotional release from time to time. I am not condoning (sp?) what you did at all, but lets get real here, he was obviously acting like a jerk and you called him on. He was upset, most likely because he is attempting to work through this and other obstacles, and he was unable to control himself, thereforeeee he released which is unfortunate.

 

He has no right ignoring your calls for days on end. A day or two, sure, but after that you are pulling the wrong strings.

 

I dont know if I helped but best of luck.

[Commitmentphobe Magnet]

 

 

Yes there is some hesitancy regarding whether I can deal with his quirks. What's also sad is that I know for a fact that he's opened up to me in ways we both were surprised at. I know things about him that his past relationships know nothing about and for him to throw it all way like this is just ugh. you don't find that kind of chemistry with just anyone. I think because of his therapy and needs I coddled him too much which probably played a part in his shutting down. You are very correct that it's just plain wrong to not communicate with me for this long so I will have to make the decision for us. I may wait it out for a few a while with no contact to see what happens. Thank you so much!

[Commitmentphobe Magnet]

Well I *bleeped* up! I saw him online and emailed and IM'ed him but of course no reply.. I could just kick myself for contacting him! *banging head against desk* I'm venting because I just dont know what's happening and where I stand but I guess his silence speaks loud and clear

[bluemudder]

In this case and many others...when the other person in the relationship promises to contact you and doesn't what would be the best road to take. It is hard not to try to call them, and even if you do you know they probably will not answer. My ex-gf promised to meet up with me the next day to finish discussing our breakup b/c she broke up with me at a basketball game in front of her cheerleading friends.....she never called. In fact she lied to me about what she did after the game. I have attempted to call once and she never answered... i left a message but no response. I have questions that I would like answered but I dont know if i should try to contact her. She did ask her brother last night how I am doing...since he and I are friends. Please advise.

[Commitmentphobe Magnet]

 

I am truly sorry you are going thru this too! In my case he hasn't even broken up with me there hasn't been verbal communication so I'm just hanging here in limbo trying to move on but it's nearly impossible with so many questions

[bluemudder]

I know how you feel. You have so many questions and would like them to answer them for you yet you can not get a hold of them. My ex-gf gave me the excuse that she loves me but she is not in love with me......which I found out from someone.... that a month ago when she began to distance herself.....she met a friend that she hooked up with once....and she never told me about meeting him for dinner. Apparently the old flame is rekindled and she is going for him when he moves back......he has a serious girlfriend too....but she thinks she can break them up. The bad thing is I was prepared to propose to her in the next 6 months......I love her and want to be with her sooo bad. I feel so lonely and want her back soo bad. What should I do? I know this guy she is going for can not equal in any way to the way I treated her......I treated her like a princess. His whole goal in life is to surf and be a stoner. She deserves better than that.....but only she can realize that much. Right now she is all hung up on him being soo hot....blah blah. I hope i get through this. I know how your feeling cuz i feel the same way...except you are even more in the dark than i am. I know this post didnt help you too much....it helped me vent.....but you are not alone.

[Commitmentphobe Magnet]

Update: Got an email today asking how my business is working out * he paid for some advertising for me* and my only statement was " nothing happening yet" and he said well let me know the cost of another ad and I'll pay for it Yet he won't answer his cell when I call and only responds to emails that have nothing to do with the matter at hand.

 

This is insane!

[kungfumaster]

Hey Commit and blue,

 

Woah - I was exactly in the same situation as you guys are in right now 2 months ago, but I think mine is more closer to yours Commit.

 

Let me say then that I feel for you guys - I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

 

My ex basically never returned any of my phone calls and emails for a week - so I suspected she wanted to break up with me but couldn't do it. I was going through hell Commit, just like you are now, and I wanted it to stop, so I actually had to email her to tell her that if she wanted to break up with me, it would be okay and she could just email me to say she wanted to break up with me if she couldn't say it in front of my face - I said it would be way easier that way instead of letting me just suffer like this, waiting for something - anything. So, actually, that worked - she emailed me back. She told me we had a lot of problems (duh) and that she felt really sad, but she wanted to talk. But in that email, there was no indication that she wanted to try to work things out, so I basically said to myself that I couldn't handle this anymore. I had gone through two weeks of trying to talk to her (emailing, phoning, etc) - and it was obvious to me now that there was no hope anymore - so I gave up.

 

I hope this doesn't happen to you Commit - see, my ex-girlfriend had problems too with the parents -in particular, the father who was never really there for her - her father would actually try to avoid my ex-girlfriend - what a loser eh. So of course, she has issues with trust and abondonment - and I understood that - I really tried to help too, and we connected like you and your bf now, but in the end - I think the issues will eventually take over - unless you are really strong and can stick out the times when he'll be dealing with his "issues". See, I wasn't that strong - and in the end, there is this little voice in my head (although its only been 2 months since she's broken up with me, and I feel depressesed, angry, disappointed, etc) saying its for the best that she's broken up with me. In the end, I wasn't strong enough to handle her "issues", and to tough it out to help her through them, i.e., she would continually project her unmet needs from her father onto me, and so I had to be strong enough in myself to not take it personally, and stick it out with her. I couldn't do it. I wasn't strong enough.

 

That's what you have to ask yourself Commit - one of the ladies on this website asked me this question while I was healing - are you strong enough to stick it out with her and help her get through these issues. Now you say he is going to therapy - which is great. I actually helped my ex go to therapy too, but she never stuck to it. So at least your bf is there. The question you have to ask yourself is, can you stick with him as he goes through his healing process? If you are, then right now, you should just concentrate on yourself, until he contacts you again because right now, I think he is dealing with one of his issues front and center now, since the comment you gave him, so he needs time to heal in his own right (this has nothing to do with you). I think this is why he is not returning your messages (and why me ex wasn't returning mine). In the end, I decided for myself I couldn't wait any longer, and it was too painful for me. I am disappointed in myself, but I think maybe in the end, it will be best for me, because I am not superman. I am just me. So, its up to you Commit.

 

Keep in mind, this is just what happened to me, and although I think our situations are alike, you might not think so, and that is great. I hope your situation is not like mine to be honest. Anyways, I know its hard now, but try to concentrate on yourself now (do something wild - but safe) to get your mind off of things. Wait for him if you think he's worth it, or if you think you can handle it. If not, I think you should seriously think about breaking off the relationship yourself.

 

Best of luck Commit - . Remember - you're worth it.