Venting

[mr_m4x]

Well, this is my first post in almost a week.

 

I feel so empty right now, I feel like I can do anything I want, anything, but not having her by my side makes everything meaningless.

 

I know that's not the right way to feel or think but I'm in a phase where it doesn't matter how much effort I put into filling my empty spaces that I won't be able to fill the one left by her and I don't know how to get out of this hole where I'm at right now.

 

I wish everything was a fairy tale and she'd open her eyes and realizes that she wants to be with me or a more down to earth story where I'd stop being stupid and finally accpet that things won't be the way they used to be before and move on, but she doesn't give a step to the front and I'm not letting go.

 

I have done almost everything in my power to accomplish this, hanging out with my friends, going on a trip, spend a lot of money pampering myself, meeting other girls but I still miss her a lot. It seems that no matter how much I try to forget or understand some things, I never will.

 

Something to laugh about in between all of this ranting? I went to a mall in Miami last week and the name of the first store that I saw as soon as I got in had my ex's name. It seems like someone is having a good laugh with me...

 

Well, I guess that time does heal everything, I only hope it'd go by faster.

[Grace]

Yup, thats where I am. I suppose that when one stops trying to fill the void and mitigate the pain is when there's real progress. Its almost as if I have to remind myself to be human these days, I hang out with friends as I know I should and I know it will make me feel better then sitting at home, but I don't really want to.

 

So in theory at some point these normal daily activities will stop being a way to fill the void, but go back to being things I enjoy that make up my life. That's a theory at least, but lord im tired of hurting in the meantime.

[mr_m4x]

I don't wanna be feeling like this anymore.

 

And all this is going inside me because she showed up at my house 2 weeks ago to bring a christmas present for my family (what is up with that?). If she hadn't showed up, I think I'd be better. That took me like 10 steps back in my healing process.

 

I want her back but I can't make a move, not because pride or anything else, just because she's the one who needs to make up her mind and make the first move. I just don't want to be hanging anymore. Eventually if there's no action from her I'll just send everything down the drain and just forget about it but in the meantime and after the christmas present incident I'm as confused as I have ever been.

[KrayzieBeautiful]

When you mentioned that the name of the shop was your exes name it made me laugh, because I'm getting that too at the moment, his name is haunting me everywhere I go. I met a nice guy last week and I'm like "whats your name" he goes "(name of ex)" I just looked up to the sky and laughed and said "of course it is". needless to say he looked very confused.

[mr_m4x]

Serving Sara?

 

Another "funny" story but you need a little background from my ex's. We were going to move to Montreal once we both earned our engineering degrees.

 

As I took a flight from Atlanta to Miami (12/10), an australian girl sat next to me, we clicked right away and we spent the 2 hours of the flight talking about ourselves and when we landed we spent another hour talking and sharing some coffee.

 

In a moment of those hours of conversation she said "I'm moving to Canada". All I could think about was "Please don't say Montreal! Please! Please! Please!". And my prayers were answered, she said Vancouver.

 

Rounding up this girl's story, we agreed on contacting each other while we were in Miami and up to today I haven't heard from her

[mr_m4x]

And coming back to the main subject of this thread, I really miss my ex.

 

I was looking for a file on my computer and I ran into a picture of us.

 

I feel breathless and unable to do anything everytime I think about her.

[mr_m4x]

Well, after doing a lot of balancing and thinking during the day, I came to 3 conclusions.

 

1.- NC has served me great, I have been able to get myself back on my own two feet again and running. I've been able to meet other women, have had meaningful, fun conversations and have drawn interest from them, I've recovered my friend base, I've realized where I went wrong with my ex, and most importantly , what do I need to do to correct that behaviour, I've set some basic rules for my next relationship, I've learned that I can't put my partner before me all the time, I need to let my feelings/thoughts out whenever I feel that I have to be heard even if that means having an argument with my SO, I need to set boundaries and stand up to my partner whenever it is necessary, I need to communicate, I can't ditch my friends every time, I can't absorve/be absorved by my relationship, I need to have and give some breathing room, I have to break out of the "damsel in distress, knight in shinning armour" pattern, I can't live my life through my partner's life and I don't want her to live hers through mine... and so on.

 

2.- I have analyzed time and time again my relationship with my ex, learned what I could from it, the good times, the bad times, the first happy months, the late routinary months, the trips, the laughs, the tears, the few arguments, the times we spent together, the way we handled each other's issues/emotions, what we had, what we didn't have and what we could've had if we communicated in a better way. Once I balanced everything, it's a close call, but the good stuff is more than the bad stuff. Lesson learned, closed chapter, not going back to the same relationship that it was before.

 

3.- As I have stated in my previous posts, I still want to be with her. Teaming up conclusions 1 and 2, and hoping that she has done the same thinking, analysis and decided to put words to action regarding the correctives to improve ourselves, I made up my mind about starting over with her. Not getting back together, instead starting fresh, forgiving what was done in the past but not forgetting what we learned from it. I know that what we had is worth fighting for and I'm willing to give my everything within my limits to make it better and happier for both of us. If she's not in the same page that I am, then I'll have played my last card, I'll know that I did everything I could, I'll just forget about her, cherish the happy memories that we had and I'll have learned a lot of lessons from this.

 

It's a risky decision but also referencing my previous posts on this thread, this feeling of emptyness is overwhelming. And I know it's not because I just miss her, you all know what I'm talking about. If the outcome is that we start over, then I'll be happy with her in a new relationship where hopefully we won't commit the same mistakes that we did the first time around, if not, then I'll just continue with my life and move on. I'm in that point where it is make or break for me.

 

I just have to give it my last shot.

[franfran]

So what is your plan of action?

[mr_m4x]

I'll just show up at her house and tell her that I'm still in love with her and that I want to get back together... NOT!

 

I think I'll go NC a little longer, wait until Christmas goes by or even do it in January. Once I make the first contact, I'll try to keep it simple, light and fresh, eventually ask her to have lunch or go out for a snack or something like that and see where it goes from there, not bringing up what happened, as if I had never met her.

 

If I see that my demands are being satisfied and I feel that she wants to start over then I'll know that I did the right move and I'll be in a new fresh relationship where we both are smarter and hopefully we won't make the same mistakes we did before. If it doesn't go that way, then I'll also know that I did the right move because I'll know that I did everything I could to start over and I'll move on, won't turn back and just continue with my life.

[franfran]

I started saying "whaaaaaatttttt" to myself when I read that first part.. Nice one, lol.

 

I think it's incredibly smart of you to wait longer. You obviously have a lot of self-control and are somehow able to take it slowly. Because of that, I think it will work out for you no matter what happens. Please let us know what happens! Of course you will, you wouldn't leave us hanging!

[mr_m4x]

I started saying "whaaaaaatttttt" to myself when I read that first part.. Nice one, lol.

 

I think it's incredibly smart of you to wait longer. You obviously have a lot of self-control and are somehow able to take it slowly. Because of that, I think it will work out for you no matter what happens. Please let us know what happens! Of course you will, you wouldn't leave us hanging!

 

Yeah! it was a funny one LOL...

 

Of course I'll keep you updated, ENA has been my shelter and I can't just turn my back on it. No matter what happens I'll update!