Cyber affair or is it nothing?

[brokenhearted]

I need some advice from the community. Two married people of 23 years. Wife caught husband doing something behind her back in summer of 2002. Finally getting over that he broke my trust in him. In January 2004 bought a new computer, just to find out that he has been iming or in a chat room with this one girl for over a year and a half. He says it's just talking. He has her name in a buddy list just her name. He would meet her three times a week in the chat room. He was doing it from work and at times he would im her from our home. Pictures were exchanged and e-mail addresses. He says our wedding vows were not broken, and he didn't have an affair. As far as I'm concerened he did have an affair. On the computer you don't just have to have sex to have a affair. He said he didn't have sexor no dirty talk. He says it was not a affair. Everybody says yes it is. That lady new everything that went on in our lives. He should of been talking to his wife. He gets very upset when I bring up the subject. He says it wasn't a affair. I need advice. My heart says affair, broken vows, broken trust. Does he love me? and the girl's husband has no clue that she was talking to my husband either. So two people were in the dark. His claim on this is if I wasn't such a biotch of a wife I would of agrred to let him do that? What married woman would agree with letting her husband talk to some other woman? Please help! And if I didn't catch him he would still be doing it.

[The Morrigan]

It really depends on what they were talking about, what you've described so far is conversations that could well have taken place between friends.

 

Over half my online friends are guys, and that's what they are, friends. I've gone through the breakup of my marriage and discussed various personal things with them the way I would with any friend who was there when I needed one. It's one thing if they were exchanging love notes and exploring the possibility of a further relationship - that's at least on an emotional level, to me, bordering on an affair and is cheating. It's not an affair if he was trying to get input or support from a friend and only viewed it as such. Is it that you didn't know about it that's the issue - that is something I'd be concerned about, because I've always been open about the friends I talked to.

[Mar]

I agree with the Morrigan-I too have several online male friends, but my fiance knows about all of them. If I don't happen to tell him about one and he sees me talking to him, he may ask and I tell him, no worries.

 

No, your husband shouldn't have snuck behind your back somewhat in talking to this woman. But on another level, maybe he didn't tell you because of just your reaction, which he knew he'd get! My fiance talks to female friends quite often. And yes, he'll minimize the screen when I come into the room. But do I see it as cheating? Nope. Simply the need for privacy, same as I expect from him.

 

It could very well be that your husband just wants a private friend that he can talk to, NOT in any bad way, simply just talk to. When you click with a person, you generally don't set out with one sex in mind. And oftentimes people of the opposite sex ARE good friends simply because you can get that other viewpoint from the opposite sex perspective.

 

So-do I think it's cheating? Not necessarily. We all have parts of our lives we'd like to keep secret. If he's saying he has a problem with talking to you, then sit down and find out why, without hystrionics and yelling. Ask what he'd like to see improved, and let him know what you'd like to see changed. But I wouldn't suggest telling him he CAN'T talk to this person, because for one, he won't listen, and two, that'll only push him further towards distancing you. But talk to him. Let him know that you love him and want to be there for him as a friend AND a wife, and that you'd like the same in return. Best of luck to you, and don't worry too too much.....this could be as innocent as he says it is.

 

Mar

[Balthamos]

I don't think I quite agree with other replies, but without knowing more, it's hard for me to say for sure. Whether he was cheating or not would kind of depend on what he said, but it was definaltely wrong to not let you know anything about it, especailly if he's broken your wedding vows in the past. The most important thing, though is whether he's stopped or not after you told him you had a problem with it. Whether or not he or anyone else thinks it's cheating, you think it's wrong, and as your husband he needs to respect that. Even if he wasn't doing anything wrong, if it makes you uncomfortable, which it seems like it does, then he needs to respect that . It shouldn't really even require justification from you, what he did doesn't have to be obviously wrong, if it makes you uncomforatable then it is detrimental to your marriage and needs to be stopped.

[ladykross]

I understand your feelings-I am going through very similar things just now. If your husband could not be honest with you and tell you up front about something he was doing, there is a problem. I think that if it was so innocent, then it should not have been hidden. My husband has done (is doing) the same type of thing and gets very angry when I confront him. He swears it is nothing (absolutely not adultery) but he knows that I would over react and that is the reason he does not tell me about his "online friends". Trust your gut instinct. You know him best. Do you feel like something was wrong with this? Think of when you were a kid- and you had the "good touch/bad touch" talk. It applies to everything. Sometimes you just know that something is not right, even when there is nothing really wrong. It could be two friends, just talking. Ask yourself what is that really bothers you. It is the fact that he has hidden this? Or the fact that the person was a woman? Or is it something else entirely?