My gf says "you don't understand"

[Boughs]

As the title says, my gf always uses that line when we talk about depression. Her friend, we'll call her K, is really depressed. She has self image issues along with a self perpetuating depression on top of a slew of bad encounters with men (just recently had her laptop stolen) etc. She's a mess... (she lives in LA too... and is studying FASHION... when she has self image issues?)

 

Anywho, so my gf and I talked about her and were discussing what's wrong. Whenever we discuss it I basically say she needs to "cure" this depression before she dates men because no respectable intelligent man will put up with it. Now I'm not saying completely conquer depression, I'm saying she needs to be able to accept her issue and understand how she looks when she enters into society and tries to keep that "happy face" on that everyone can see through. Everyone I know says she is sad and knew it within an hour of meeting her. My gf denies this saying "she does the best fake I've ever seen"... my gf says that "I don't understand" her issues etc.

 

Meanwhile my gf has talked to me so much about this girl, and I've met her and spent 1 year being around her presense, I think I have a damn good understanding.

 

Anyway, I said "I think its ignorant to say that I don't understand"... and then my gf just didn't respond anymore on the phone (probably not the kindest thing to say, but man was it unfair in my eyes). We basically hung up.

 

So... this girl has self perpetuating depression (don't all depressed individuals self perpetuate their depression and almost find a weird sense of pleasure feeling helpless?), she has image issues (which only brings it farther), she had anorexia (to correct that issue), etc etc etc.... meanwhile she treats the world like she understands everything and when someone else says something she thinks they are wrong and her belief is right... which I might have a bit of that mode of thinking myself sadly.

 

Well thats my ramble, what do you guys think about K? what should she do before she tries to date a man?

 

Btw, K has been to numerous doctors and basically thinks they are all terrible to her. How do you help someone like that?

[FloatingAnchor]

She doesn't seem to be open to help, especially if she has such a negative attitude about numerous doctors. I agree with you that the depression will affect her ability to have a healthy relationship. Maybe it will take several rejections for her to see this and in time, she will want to help herself.

[hiphop3]

i think most people with depression need to get some professional help. its often hard to find the root cause of it and to further resolve those root causes. i myself was depressed from the age of 10-18 and was on the verge of suicide at one point. with a combination of anti depressants (to stop myself from self harm) and therapy i finally got over it. i do think K needs to figure this out before she gets into a relationship. it is hard to have something healthy with someone when you yourself aren't. i avoided relationships all together during that time b/c i couldn't handle a personal crisis and all the responsibilities of a relationship. i also couldn't feel affection for some one when i was so over whelmed with such negative feelings. my dad is also a very dysfunctional person and it is IMPOSSIBLE for him to have a good relationship with his wife (who has now separated from him) and his daughters. i don't know how some one could get sincerely intimate with some one (not just physically) with such huge self image issues.

i don't think its fair for your gf to totally disregard your opinions as well. every depressed person feels misunderstood but depression is something every one will feel at some point in their lives, it just depends on the severity of it.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I don't think you should have an opinion about what K should do and you and your gf should stop talking about her.

[FloatingAnchor]

I don't think you should have an opinion about what K should do and you and your gf should stop talking about her.

 

Yes, you don't want this to affect your relationship with your gf. If this comes up again and she says "you don't understand," you can respond with "help me understand" and avoid an argument. Honestly, I think K needs to help herself. You can't make her do that. Your gf seems to have different thoughts, so it's best to just not let this enter your relationship.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I really don't understand why you are talking about K to begin with.

 

What does she need to do to get a bf?

 

Honestly, that is rather rude and frankly none of either of yours business.

[hiphop3]

after reading other members' posts i agree with them as well, it really is a topic that should be avoided in the relationship. it doesn't really concern either of you directly and it only seems to cause problems.

[Boughs]

I understand the "why you talking about her" thing... but my gf wants to help her so much... and K called my gf for help.

 

I'm happy she asked for help, but why help someone that rejects any form of advice?

 

Hmm thats probably what I need to say to the gf something like "pointless to talk about her because she seems to reject any advice offered from doctors etc, what makes us think we can help her?"

[hiphop3]

maybe put it in a more sensitive way. but yeah, it takes a professional to help some one who is depressed. unfortunately a friend is not fully equipped with the skills a therapist does. all you can do is point K into the direction of help. if she rejects, there's not much you can do.