3 year relationship, she says "she needs space"

[mr.sad]

It goes something like this:

 

I'm in this relationship still (I think), but when i approached my girlfriend of 3+ years five days ago about why i havn't been seeing her much lately (about 6 days in the past 3-4 weeks), she told me "she needed space". We've been having alot of troubles with our relationship the past six months... apparently. I wasn't clued into this very well, i thought things were going just peachy, until about 3 months ago. She told me she wasn't sure if she loved me about two months ago, i had been pressing her as to why we hadn't been having sex lately or seeing much of each other... And this is the answer i got. I'm getting very mixed signals from her though, and I don't really feel i'm communicating myself very effectively to her.

We went on a trip to japan with my parents about a month ago, we had made these plans long in advance, but she had spoken about thinking about not going. I convinced her that whatever troubles we were having, we could work out, and things seemed just peachy until a week after we got back. The vacation was fabulous, I saw her everyday, she told me she loved me, we had a great and fun time together. But when we got back well, I guess i havn't exactly been attentive to her needs, and she isn't sure anymore if we have a future together.

We're both 21, she is my first love, and I am hers. I've never dated more then two girls before in my life, wheras she's had boyfriends since she was in 7'th grade almost back to back. We've been through some REALLY rough times growing up together, I've been severely depressed for a very long time, before I even knew her, and I'm just now beginning to put my life back together when she begins distancing herself from me. She's been a huge support in my life, but right now she is the one going through the rough time, and wants no help from me dealing with her problems. She doesn't feel she's doing well in school (3.4 gpa seems pretty good to me..), and she has met alot of people at school lately that she sees as so committed, and focused on her work, and now just wants to lose herself in it.

I guess we've both stuck around where we grew up because of how much we loved each other and not wanting to leave each other. At one point we were discussing moving off to college together (she attends the local university, and i go to community college), but she was putting all the pressure of finding a school on me, and telling me she wanted me to pick one because they were all the same for her (a mixed message to me). I really love this girl alot, and i've thought about proposing to her for a fairly long time now, even though we're both really young I would love nothing more then to spend the rest of my life with her.

She says the reason she needs space is that she feels like my love is smothering her. Looking back, I do realize that we don't really go out much. We used to see each other almost everyday, and have for years. But lately she's been unavailble because of school, and I guess I've been pressuring her too much to spend more time with me, and always asking where she's been, why hasn't she called? She usually just comes over to my house, that's the way its been for years, and we'll sit, watch movies, play videogames its more of a kid sort of relationship really, but I want so badly to share an adult life with her!

When i asked her if she hoped that we could be happy and successful together, she said yes, very much so. I've been so sad the past five days, and cannot get her out of my mind. Is this break going to last forever!? Its driving me crazy, I'm trying hard as hell to keep myself together, but i just can't sleep. I REALLY want to try to patch things up right this very instant, but in doing so will i just set our relationship up for future failure? I've sought for answers with my friends+family, and surfed forums for endless hours but have not really been able to find impartial advice to a situation similar to mine. What I really want to know is, how can i win her back? Should I just ignore her for these two weeks like we planned? (I set the time). What i really want to do at this moment is call her, invite her to a really nice resteraunt, and bring flowers and romance her in a way i havn't done for a very long time and tell her how we can learn how to be together apart, she's been talking lately about going off to a school for the summer to persue an interest in a career, and I don't want to hold her back, even though all i've been able to say to her about her going off for summer school since we last spoke is what a horrible thing it would be if she left me. These past few days have given me time to think. She said I was free to call her at anytime, but all i've been able to do up until the last time we saw each other was talk about how sad this is making me, and how much i care about her. It obviously isn't working, I guess I've been turning her off-I really don't know any better! Arn't you supposed to be honest with your partner? Anyhow... I'm just... Looking for some tips. If you have any questions feel free to ask. I need to get back to burying myself in my work.

 

thx much

[Happy_Go_Lucky_Heb]

Hey I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. First off, I believe she really did mean it when she said she really loves you and wants to be with you, but she probably had creeping doubts in her mind about wanting to see what else is out there. The doubts might've gotten stronger and thats when she probably realized it was time to leave.

Of course its very hard when you love someone so much just changes their mind, but she must've had these thoughts for quite some time, people usually don't make these kinds of decisions just out of the blue.

And its totally natural for you to feel so angry at her right now, because she did after all make that decision to leave after what she had told you. But like I said, she most likely did mean it, but those doubts just keep creeping in. You know how you feel so right about something but you have lingering doubts? She probably felt it was time to do something about it before the relationship got any further.

I'm sure this decision really is hard on her..of course, because she cares about you, and I can understand how frustrating it is for you to hear that but she's being honest with you and even if it was a hard decision for her to make, she made the right one if she had these doubts.

And you've had the experience of getting "out there" and finding out how hard it is, she needs to experience that for herself as well. Maybe she will find out its not at all what its cracked up to be, and come back. The grass is always greener on the other side, and sometimes people need to go and find out that it really isn't. On the other hand, she might enjoy being single. Everyones experience is different.

In order to move on from this, try to keep busy, hang out with friends and do things that you didn't get a chance to do during your relationship. Don't focus on being angry and frustrated at her. Its normal to feel that way, but try to focus your energies on you right now. Nows the chance to do whatever you want before you get into another relationship, whether its with her or someone else.

Doing these things will also help you with your loneliness. What helped me for example was hanging out with my friends (who I barely saw while in my relationship), I made new friends, I took walks, went to movies (yes by myself too), went to bookstores and coffee shops, etc..eventually you start to meet new people and make new friends.

You might also find out new things about yourself that you enjoy. You are also very smart in not settling for just anyone who comes along.

Rebounds rarely ever work. How long you should remain single is different for everyone. Obviously while you are still very hurt, its best to remain single for as long as you need to heal. The best time to start dating again is when you feel ready to, and you will know when that time is right. Until then you most likely won't even be interested in dating or getting to know someone else. Now if for some reason you meet someone really cool that you might want to get to know, the best way is to be friends with them first, without the notion that it may turn romantic. If you find yourself starting to develop feelings for that person and you want to spend more time with them, then you'll know its right to pursue something more.

Theres no easy solution to stop loving someone, God knows I've tried, but unfortunately you can't control feelings or emotions. Time is what you need in order to heal, take time out for yourself. unfortunately theres not a lot you can do to stop the pain except to keep busy and try not to be alone a lot of the time. When people are in a relationship, they are used to being with someone all of the time, and when they break up, they are all of a sudden alone most of the time and its hard for them and it makes the break up even more painful. If you don't feel like going out, go anyways, you will feel a little better, it does help to take the focus off of the pain and on her.

Its always hard to trust anyone after an experience like this but trust is earned..and communication is very important.

Good luck..

 

PS try this:

link removed

 

Happy Heb

[kuhl282000]

Hey Hurting Brother

 

I could not agree more with Happy Go lucky. they speak from the heart. I read your post in detail, and I wanted to say you answered all of your own questions in your own post. she needs space, your smothering her, you did not go out much. She is telling you something here, and I would suggest you listen. The first loves are the toughest, I remember mine. I myself have just gotten out of a relationship. I know the pain you go through. You have regrets, anger, frustration, bitterness, feeling lonely,

they come in no real order. The feelings just come. And you have to deal with them and sort them out. I would suggest giving her the spaceshe is asking for. That could be a month, a year, five years, you may never get her back. And having to accept that is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. But I promise you keep up what your doing,and you will never get her back that way. Because you are doing exactly opposite what she is asking for. Consider the fact you never really went out, that could be considered boring. I believe mine was in so many relationships that failed before we met. Well she was just jumping from ship to ship trying to find her way in the fog. I got in on the tail end of all the baggage. and it overwhelmed me, I could not take it anymore. I had to leave, just to save myself. What mine really needed to do before she met me was go live by herself, and be single and just go have some fun. Will I ever get mine back. I would say "NO".....she needs to find herself before she could ever find me again.

The thing that made me heal, and I'm still hurting alittle. But it gets better slowly everyday, as I return to sanity. I think of the good times we had, and I'm grateful for that. You have a big void in your life now with father time, you have to find a way to fill that void. She is not around anymore.

Send her a short letter or email, and tell her you understand what she wants totally and you respect that, and leave it at that. And then have "NO Contact" after that. That may give you the closeure you are seeking. Let her go, if they come back then they were your true love. If they don't it is time to move on. Some people come into our lives and say for a short time, some stay longer, but very few stay forever. If that happens and we meet our soulmate we are very lucky people. Please stop with the begging and looking desperate, take me back I love you so much. Women don't like desperate. Try not to have fasle hope that she will come back, she may never come back. And like I said....accepting that fact will make you sleep better. I went through it and I lost control of my stomach it made me so sick inside. I puked for 4 weeks and had no idea what was going on inside.

It was my nerves. I was driving myself crazy just like you said. I regained

my focus by working and going out with friends and talking about it here.

One last thing, you guys are so young........you may have many more loves in your lives. You may not feel to loved at this moment, but you will again in the future. And I'm sure you have a bright one ahead. It took me almost two months to get my head back on. Spoke to a guy yesterday took him a year. Everyone is different. Be strong, and be patient.

 

god Bless the pain and the healing....your in my prayers with all of the heartbroken people that come here, including myself. Alot of wonderful things happen here.

Don't be a stranger.

 

Warm Regards

Kuhl

 

P.S. I drank for a month and a half (and I'm not a drinker) over this women who broke my heart and almost my head. Then Jan 1st I looked in the mirror and I said Who is this guy? I did not even know this guy anymore. She had gotten to me that bad.I needed to get a grip on my own reality. Right then at that moment, I said... that's it. And that is when I lost my servere pain. And I stopped drinking. Plus it was expensive anyway. So watch the drinking....

[mr.sad]

You see that's the thing that has me so confused over this. She doesn't want to see anyone "I don't want a boyfriend right now". I mean shit yeah, i'd realize if she wanted to go have a fling with someone... Its over. But she just, isn't sure. She is very depressed, and is spending almost 12 hours a day at school trying to work herself to death it seems to me.

[raggamuffin]

Ok my advice wont be as quite as long as the others and I may be repeating what they say but hear me out. Give your girlfriend the two weeks you said you would give her and then romance her but dont go over the top. You need to sort out what ever the problems in your relationship are before you romance her too much. Maybe take her out for a nice dinner and do what ever you romancing ways tell you to do and then the next date you go on with her make it low key maybe a picnic in a park where there arent too many people cause it may get heated and confront her with whatever it is you need to say to her dont make acusations just tell her how you feel and what you want, tell her that you are scared of losing her. Dont expect a response from her infact maybe tell her to go away and think about what you have said because she is more likely to act rationaly and say how she really feels if you let her have time to think about it. Then get together in a few days time and discuss it somemore until you know what is going on. I understand that you want to spend the rest of your life with her but be prepared that it may not happen, whatever she decides dont fight with her TRY to be understanding. By staying calm you have more chance of staying friends with her and maybe patching things up one day than if you fly of the handle and scream and yell etc. Good luck I hope she realises that you are the one for her. R.

[sbojo32]

I just wanted to let you know that you have my support and that I can understand what you're going through as well. My BF of 2+ years just decided he wants his space. I haven't been able to do it myself yet, but I know that the best thing that i can do is give it to him.

males and females reach a point when they want to know what else is out there, either their current situation isn't exciting, maybe they are watching a close friend get into a new relationship and are relishing in their excitement (wow, look at how my friend is being romanced, I want that too) or they just feel frustrated with their life in general.

Let her have the time she needs. Give her the two weeks and then re-evaluate. Tell her you want to try to give her the romance and the fun that she's looking for. Maybe it will be good enough - and brace yourself that it won't. I've seen it go both ways - where the relationship just needed a little kick in the pants to get both parties from being complacent - and also where one person realized that her needs were just too different and the guy she was with just couldn't fill them.

Figure out what she wants and needs. More importantly, figure out what you want and need. You're a large part of the picture, and I can understand because I've spent the past week trying to figure out what it was that I could have done so my BF wouldn't have to leave. And I've come up empty. Because there isn't anything. And that's the hardest thing you have to realize.

Please PM me if you want. Hope I helped.

[brandon500_us]

My gf for 5 yrs said the same quote "I need space" and " I'm frustating these past year". My gf and I was the best couple out there in the beginning for 4.5 yrs. I just don't know why she felt so frustating. The relationship was not that boring. THe relationship was outgoing and and full of love. I guess she shock me when she said she need space. Recenlty she been hanging out with many of her SINGLE girlfriend. That might impacted her mind. It's been a week and i still thinking about her. Well, if faith hold true we'll be together in the future. For now, i just have to search my soulmate.

[Crushed]

First let me say how sorry I am for your pain.

 

I'll keep this short but you must stick to your no contact rule at least for a few weeks. But it sounds like a situation where it's her that needs to figure things out. I convinced my ex to start going out again, but then she really didn't give in the relationship anymore. It was all me trying to make things right. I eventually smothered her and we broke up again for the same reasons as before, her fears and insecurities. You must realize that you have no controll over this situation. the ball is entirely in her court. And even if you could convince her to get back together, if she does not come to that conclusion on her own, and keeps looking for the reasons you broke up to begin with, you'll just be prolonging the pain. The hardest part is truly letting go. Only then do you have any chance for it working. If she figures it out, great. But chances are she won't, or by the time she does you'll be over her. In the mean time focus on yurself and getting yourself back to the man that she fell in love with to begin with. Then you'll be able to move on and find another. I wish you the best of luck.

 

Crushed