I want him back but I think I've really got messed up

[little_bird_in_a_cage]

My ex and I broke up after 2 years...I was older and he was 14 years younger but this was not the reason. the reason was that during the relationship and because of my past relationships I found that I was suspicious of him and the fact that he lied about everything didn't help either. After a few months we started sleeping together everytime I went out and got abit drunk I would phone up and he was happy to oblige but I noticed that he was always keen to say how busy he was etc and I never pushed or tried to ask him back. On New years day he rang me and although I get the feeling that he really wanted me to go round but was too proud to ask (I always did the asking) I decided not to as I was feeling like maybe I could live without him. But I couldn't...so late Jan I went round to his house after I'd been out only to see him drive up to his door with a woman. I lost it and ripped his letterbox off and kicked his wing mirrors off...this may sound mad but I think all the anger that I had been bottling up throughout our relationship was coming out. He had also destroyed many off my things and was violent towards me (I did drive him to it). Anyway, I told her not to believe a word he said and that he used to hit me etc. My friend went round to his house to see how he had taken this and he told her that it was his second date with her and that he was going to see her again and that she thought I was just trying to split them up. That he had had a date with another girl before we started sleeping together again, and that both girls were from the call centre were he worked. They both look exactly the same (long black hair and glasses) the complete opposite to me. This angered me further so I hacked into his two email address's and sent intimate details of our relationship and a pic of me in a red basque and stockings with him standing behind me in make-up to some of his mates. (Don't ask me why!) But at least I now know that he is no playa. He left me in a really horrible way...he was really nice the day before like he used to be and I thought wow, maybe there is a chance for us, and then would not answer my calls for two weeks. I had sensed something was wrong though towards the end of our relationship and so had a one-night stand with someone..he now knows about this too. Anyway, he rings my friend up and tells her that I'm mad and that he'll phone the police if anything else happens and that he will never talk to me again and that he's never been so angry in his life. I was bad but I feel better for taking matters into my own hands and dealing with my resentment even if it wasn't the right way.

I have one thing going for me as far as he is concerned and that is sex. I would do things for him that I don't hink these other goth girls look like they are capable off. That's not conceited...it's just that I am older experienced and confident in bed. However, he was also the best lover I have ever had and obviously my feelings runn deeper then that because our relationship was so fiery. To cut to the quick...I want him back but don't know how to go about this....what do you think? Any tips or suggestions would be helpful. And now that I trust him eventually I think if I got him back I could make him happy.

 

Thanks

 

Little Bird

[kuhl282000]

Hello Little Bird

 

I have just gotten out of an abusive relationship and was fortunate enough to escape alive. I hate to be the bearer of bad news Little Bird. But you went about venting your anger in an abusive manner. Destroying someone elses property is a form of abuse. Emailing pics and hacking into someones private life is just down right mean, wrong and revengeful. You need to get a grip girl, this is way out of hand already.Someone could be hurt or even killed. And he said he would call the police. You should be grateful he did not already. And you said you had sex and could use that and what you had going to get him back. Hate to break the bad news but 3 Billion other women could say the same thing. I'm not trying to be mean I'm trying to drop a brick on your head and give you a reality check. Remember I just went through this. Someone in my case could have been killed. One of the very wise moderaters told me something I will never forget. She said the ups and downs of a relationship are like a drug. When it's up ...WOW the feeling you have it is a natural high of sorts (like a drug) then you hit the low's (and that is the withdraw) so now you want the high back, because you are addicted to that high. And believe me you will do anything and everything to get that high back, you will do crazy things for this high feeling to be back again. So like she said take the good with the bad. But if you take a look at how is all shakes out. In my case.....I think I was like maye 25%

good the other 75% was bad and I was miserable fighting. It really is not worth it. You are playing alot of very "DANGEROUS" games. And they will backfire on you. My only suggestion would be to send him a I'm Sorry card, and tell him you have be a real jerk and offer to $$$pay$$$ for the damages. And then have no more contact and leave it at that. I would suggest you seek professional advice for your anger, or it will come out again later. We all get angry everyday, but you are not processing it very well if it comes out in the form of a rage. You are going to have to let this go, and it might really be over for good. You are going to have to learn how to cope better. Or you are going to find yourself in handcuffs or worse. You have been very foolish in your actions and I to have done some stupid and dumb things, and now you are paying the price. I'm sorry if I'm being hard on you I call it tough love. And I get this way when I see abuse. For me, we both paid the price, we lost each other. The price was wway to high to pay. But we played with fire and we got burned. i'm grateful today that someone was not killed. And that could have happened,and it would have all happened out of rage and by accident.

I wanted to thank you for coming here for advice. And you can PM me anytime. Your story was very light compaired to mine. I lost the love of me life to. Most people would call her a physco for some of her actions. And when people get that label that is not something you carry around being proud of. So send the card, offer to pay damages. Leave it at that. If he contacts you...so be it. If not leave him alone and move on. Remember the police deal with violence everyday, and they call this domestic violence. And they take it very serious. And one or both parties "WILL" go to jail if the police come to visit. People end up being killed over jealousy and rage. And many people are sitting on death row today wondering what would have happened that day had they choose another method of dealing with the anger and rage. We all get angry everyday, the only thing that matters is how you process it and deal with it. So deal with it LittleBird.

Please for you own sake, before you end up is some real trouble. Do not contact this man after you send the card. And do not get angry if he never responds to the card. And he may never respond again. So you deal with your guilt and regret. He will not be able to help you at this point. you need to help yourself. consider it over and accept it and move on and learn what not to do in your next one. Please let it go !!!!!!

 

 

Good Luck

Kuhl 8)

[little_bird_in_a_cage]

yes, this is the truth and I know I sound dreadful. My friends all have told me how happy go lucky I was until I got into this abusive relationship...I have actually called the police before on him, when he dragged me down the stairs by my hair and punched me in the face for trying to ignore him cos I didn't want to fight...so, if he touches me again he will be arrested. I am lucky and grateful to him that he did not retun the favour and the suggestion of sending a card would be a good start and show that I can move on. Maybe I can move on, I certainly feel like I have dealt with my anger. It is hard when in an abusive relationship especially as a women because you cannot fight back so resentment does eventually reach boiling point and this incident triggered it. But it is awful that I now trust him when it is too late. No man likes to have his friends involved. As my friend said to me the other day : "if he talks to you again, I'll take my hat off to u!"

[IrishYankee24]

I hate to be blunt but I think you may have ruined any future chance with this guy... He does not sound like a nice man if he is abusive! Maybe this is a sign?!

I liked the idea of sending an I'm sorry card to keep peace & then leave him alone. I think you both have "anger" issues that need to be dealt with. That explosive behavior can really get you in trouble.. (I know from experience!)

Why do you want to be with an abusive person?

Do you know the saying that healthy women attract healthy men... vice-versa...

I hope things work out for you

[little_bird_in_a_cage]

Hi

 

the reason I want to get back with him is because I have sorted out my trust issues which I know ruined the relationship. I can now say that I trust him 100%...sadly a little too late me thinks! I don't think he wants to be abusive but I think he thought he could get away with it because I did not set any firm boundaries. Mind you he still is the kind of person who is always right and never backs down from that viewpoint...I'm not sure he would allow me to set boundaries anyway. He always told me he would never hit a woman but yet had been hit constantly by a former girlfriend. My ex has never said sorry to me or never admitted that some of it was his fault (it takes two baby!) so in some ways he is like a brick wall. Maybe that is the challenge. He was generous but controled the purse strings and he was jealous too. For example I couldn't go out dancing without him nearly attacking someone for looking at me but I found this endearing that he was so territorial.

 

Thanks for taking an interest

 

Little_bird

[IrishYankee24]

Hi again Lady Bird...

 

Please stop blaming yourself for HIS abuse. You are responsible for what you have done to him but not what he has done to you. If you provoke a healthy person, they walk away! Hitting is not an answer and I think you are blaming yourself for his issues. You can change you-- which it sounds like you are & that is good... but you can't change him. He really sounds like a jerk! I really think you must be better than to put up with a man like him and stay in an abusive relationship!!! Leave him to the next chick who will take his abuse! I am serious!

 

Move on and work on yourself so you never get involved in another relationship like this....

 

 

[IrishYankee24]

P.S.

 

I think it would be 'endearing' if he wanted to attack some guy who touched you or make a rude comment to you.... not for just looking at you! That is insecurity I bet and too overreacting.

 

Another thing-- if this guy will not even see or admit his problems or what he did to you... he is REALLY not worth your time girl!

 

Move on & if he wants to get some sense, he will get some help & come crawling back... if not- sounds like you wont have a problem finding someone new if other guys are checking you out?!?!

[little_bird_in_a_cage]

Thanks IrishYankee

 

You are right of course, in my heart I know this and must accept it and move on. It is hard because on the the other foot he was so intelligent and could be so unbelievably romantic. But I have got to regain my independence and be my own person again...no more 'walking on eggshells' trying to please him and no more crawling on the floor like a bug! I've just got to give myself time to get over it. BUT...how do you deal with the feeling that no-one will ever be as 'good' as the person you lost. I guess this is a question therapists the world over have been trying to fugure out regarding abusive relationships!

[little_bird_in_a_cage]

Okay...I sent an appropriate e-card. It just said ' time to move on' and I said that I hope we both have 'happy lives' and sorry for being a jerk.

 

It does not matter if I get no response...but what does matter is that I have offered to let this go and said sorry for my behaviour. What he does now is entirly up to him but let's just say...I won't hold my breath for an apology back!