need a little support right now (rant)

[pushforward]

My head hurts.

 

Constantly reminding myself. It's over. Let it go. Let it be. Stop this.

 

I spend my weekends lonely and working on self improvement. As I lift this. Push that. I constantly remind myself to let go. I need to stop this. I might have a date this weekend. I have a feeling that she will flake. I think I will be okay with dating. I've already prepared myself that she will cancel out.

 

My heart doesn't hurt. It's my head. These thoughts. The memories. I do not know why this self defeating attitude remains with me.

 

I will list positive qualities about myself to help pass this.

 

I am young.

I do not play games.

I am completely honest and put my heart into everything I do.

I am mature for my age.

I've been through many trials and tribulations; considering my age.

I've made it through then, why does this feel like the hardest?

I do not regret anything I've done.

I never took her for granted.

I never mistreated her.

I loved her with all that I am and maybe will be.

I do everything for me now.

I gave myself completely.

I am very sweet.

I am kind.

I am a good listener.

I do care.

I make the small things in life better.

I remember every little sweet thing I did and she did.

 

How do I separate these bonds to her?

 

My head hurts. This feeling of rejection needs to leave me be. The good memories of us need to disappear for now. Why can't I put my heart away. My brain knows what is right. My heart is confused.

 

I have these little fantasy of revenge. I'm trying to let go. I wish I could reject her the way she rejected me. This hurts and bothers me. I tell myself she will not ever a call. A sick part of me wishes she would. My 21st birthday is coming up soon. She will not text. She will not call. I do not exist in her world. I need to leave her world. Come back to my own. I don't need her to validate my existence. I exist for me.

 

I really don't know what love is anymore. This is my first love. I always believed that she was the one. I was lucky to be with her. I should have picked up the hints. She never expected me to be so good. She never expected to last this long. She never had the thought of us being together forever. It was just me. She never gave herself to me completely.

 

As much as this will hurt. I will list what the reality of things are.

 

It seems she likes:

older guys

artsy fartsy guys

guys who will treat her bad

guys that will break her heart

guys that aren't me

guys who have "connections" into the art world

guys that are fake

guys that only want her body

 

I really am starting to resent her choice. Writing about it helped. I feel a little better. That's what she chose over me. That's why it hurts. It's hard to swallow that I gave my all. I thank God for my blessing that I call life. For being able to feel all of this. I wish I could be indifferent about things. It's so hard!

 

I feel like she's on top of the world. While me, the vagabond; drifting through life. I feel like I have to pick up myself up and push forward. I look back and reflect. I have these weak moments of self defeating mentality. As written above. This is really unhealthy for me. I make it a conscious effort to let her go completely. She will one day no longer hold any power over me. My heart begs to differ at the moment.

 

I do wonder about her life. I'm just a boy trying to be a man. It's difficult to know who I am or what to be. Never had I had a father figure, yet I've managed to do quite well. I need to understand myself more. As the days go by, I still think about you. I am the filling void of what which once was you. You really meant a lot to me. It's never the right time to say goodbye.

 

This is so hard. I make this so dramatic. I will let you go. Not for you, for me. I deserve to smile too. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to love again. Yet my heart longs for a second chance with you. Why is it just my heart. You told me and I know I was so good to you. Yet, you said goodbye. Tossed me aside so easily. What happened to you? Why can't I be there? I'm trying to convince myself that you won't ever come back. I have to face it. I'm walking through hell and back.

 

Hm... I'm a little back and forth. My music player on random and a lot of love songs come on. (I've always been into these songs before I met her, before we broke up.)

 

Truth is... I do love you. Accept that I may continue to do so and may always be.

 

I don't want my soul to carry your essense anymore. I will grow into the man I want to be. Not the man you want me to be. I refuse to play your game. Second chances? Bridges are burnt. Chapter on you is yet to be closed. I'm on recovering portion. This underdog will rise to the occasion.

 

Sorry for the long rant. Had some pent up emotions.

 

Back to letting go...

[Sparkly Eyes]

I am sorry you are going through this honey. I have been rejected by the one I loved and it was so hard and I went through it for like a year. You will heal someday, maybe a bit later but you have to go through this to be able to solve it for yourself. You sound like a lovely guy, maybe you guys were just not compatible. I am sure you will find a girl who loves you for all the valuable thing you have to give.

[MairinDubz]

Reading this post I can relate to everything you've said. I know I have so much to offer and I gave my entire self to him, yet I was thrown away and replaced by an immature little girl who could never be expected to handle him. I know that we will get through this, and over time our mind's will overshadow the longing our hearts still feel. It is not fair nor does it make sense to continue a self-defeating attitude, yet it is so hard to break free from. Just know that you're not the only one struggling with knowing that not being with them is what's best for us yet feeling like that's the only thing that could make you happy. I know we'll wake up one day and realize happiness without them.

[Perfection]

bru, i know exactly what you feel. i am not going to offer any advice because i am trying to find my own path.

 

but i would like to tell you one thing. it's post like yours that gives me much needed boosts during the day. i don't post much on here, but i do read quite a lot and it's post like yours that gives me the strength and puts me back on the right track when i start faltering.

 

so for that, i would like to thank you. i hope everything sorts out for you soon. cheers to you.