God! I want to die....

[SunnyScott]

t's 4:45 in the morning, and I still can't sleep. I am tired of life. The story of my life might sound a bit disturbing, but I'm in desperate need for a solution.

 

I tried counseling (free service), and tried taking medications, but nothing seems to work. The men that I date are among the perpretrators who abuse me. My counselor says that often, women of child abuse/molestation will often, subconsciously, look for someone who will portray the perpretators as a way to mend the past.

 

At this point, I'm ready to die. I am tired of getting hurt consistantly. I am tired of the abuse from my mom. She always criticizes me, even when I try to please her by cooking/getting good grades, it's never enough for her. She's always saying something negative to me, and it kills my self-esteem. I feel like I'm dying inside. I want to die. I want to lay in peace. I want to be with my dad.

[SpecialOne]

Hello SunnyScott,

 

What a story and a string of events you have gone through!!! I am very sorry and my heart goes to you!!!

 

Trying to kill yourself to end your life is not the point and I am sure your dad in heaven would want you to live on and should others that you can pull yourself together and get through these problems.

 

Life is hard and if it is easy, everyone in this work won't have any problems. Thus, God had made us to go through these difficulties to let us know of our strength to overcome any problems in this world.

 

Simply start a new life from tomorrow and slowly try to get the past and make a new start. Hopefully, one day you will help others of what you have gone through.

 

Be happy and my fingers are crossed for you!

 

Live forever...

 

Cheers,

Special One

[take_the_reins]

hey sunnyscott,

wow im really shocked an upset, for all the things you've gone through! with this msg im sending my love !

 

Through this post u didnt mention your friends ... now im sure you've got some ... spend more time with them ... go out .. get your life back on track ... your now older ... you can make your own decitions and it will be easier for you to understand ... try starting a fresh ... you cant hold on to the bad things that have happened .. or you'll be perminatly depressed .. you must have some hope .. or you wouldent have come for advice !

 

Good luck! i hope everything works out for you .. and you feel alot better soon !

feel free to pm me anytime if you need to talk !

 

Mrsmalakian x

[sidehop]

Wow...I never knew someone could go through so much in life. I'm very sorry to hear what you've went through & are going through. I can't imagine how tough it is. Just like how parents affect the way children grow up & what they could become, don't be like your mom.

 

I would find friends and people that have gone through similar situations whether it'd be group meeting or like a club and I'm sure they have their own experience and how they cope with the past that may help you emotionally. You're definitely a strong person to come through all this seek help for yourself where a lot of people just give up hope and keep everything inside.

 

And soon or later you'll find someone that will understand you. I wish you the very best and I have to remind you, you have a great heart & have been strong all these years. You also have people that will always be there for you even on board like this.

 

Good luck my friend.

[The Morrigan]

Wow - I'm so sorry you had to go through all that, you're a strong person to be able to post about it, and be coping as well as you have so far.

 

I'll second the notion of joining a support group - but for several reasons. Not only will you get acceptance and support yourself like nowhere else, you'll have the opportunity to use your own horrible experiences, possibly for the first time, in a way that could help someone else. It doesn't make it better - but it will give you a better sense of control over what you're DOING with those experiences, and let you take charge of yourself a little more.

 

There's also this - sometimes seeing other people's reactions and seeing your own in them brings home more firmly than any counselling that the words you've heard are more than just words, and while you're talking through with others how their relationships after their abuse have been influenced, you can take a little more control over your own. You'll also have the opportunity to form friendships and relationships with people who understand where you're coming from - healthy relationships that aren't influenced by your past in a negative way. Sometimes one of the best steps to healing from old wounds is proving to yourself that not only will you not allow it to destroy you, you're going to USE it and do something constructive with it - and it gradually loses it's hold, and stops running your life for you.

[SunnyScott]

Dear: SpecialOne, mrsmalakian, sidehop, & The Morrigan

 

Thank you all for your insights. It's refreshing to hear your advices. Thank you. I love your advice, it sounds motivating and all, starting out with a new life...but, it's up to me to take that challenge. Everyday, I am affected by how my past hurt me, how my mom hurts me, and all of that trauma that I went through still affects me as an adult.

 

I wish I didn't go through what I did, so that I could be 'normal' and happy. I'm glad to be able to share my feelings at enotalone b/c first of all, my identity is confidential, and you guys are not here to judge me. I really appreciate it.

 

Most people know me as the smiley happy, shy, quiet girl. They think that I am happy, but truly I am dying inside. It's like I wake up every morning just dreading to wake up to life. My soul is so tired. I want to feel motivated, but I'm trapped to the person that I've become. I also developed a social anxiety disorder. Most people can't tell b/c I bury my feelings inside, and never reveal truly who I am.

 

It's emberassing to admit the things that happened to me. I feel really degraded, devalued, and abused as a human being. All of those men who hurt me, continue to hurt me, because the men that I date turn against me only to use me for my body.

 

I'm not saying that I sleep around. All I'm saying is I want love, and the men in my life, in my age, are just looking for sex. They 'act' nice to me in the beginning, and in the end, treat me lower than scum. It's like they all had a master plan to just pretend to want to be serious with me. That's why I choose not to party and go out. When I do, I feel like I am just lying to myself.

 

My condition goes deeper than what's expected. At this point, I just either need more time or a quick fix solution. But, once again thanks for taking your time to listen.

[Rossiya]

I find it hard to believe how someone could be so disrespectful towards their own blood. I truly feel terrible that someone can do things that you mentioned. I hope you can get your life moving in the right direction now that your in college. We are here for you and good luck.

[markb]

Sunny

I know how you feel.

I am a christian and I am not going to try and convert you to any type of religion. I would like you to be introduced to my healer. His name is Jesus and he is very concerned for you.

When I was a child I was rejected by my father. He was physically abusive and mentally or emotionally abusive. I remember one time he came flying towards me to beat on me as a child and me dropping to my kness and praying to God that he did not touch me. Instantly he stopped in his tracks and for the first time I had ever witnessed he turned around and simply walked away. I remember him picking me up with one hand and beating me with the other till I was black and blue. I remember him strangling my mother in front of me and my brother till she turned purple. He told my mom he was going to cut my head off and stick it on a pole and lift it up into the air and laugh. He used to go into the streets when I was old enough to leave the house and hunt for me with a large kitchen knife. I had heard he had waited outside my flat for hours many nights to kill me. I left and started taking drugs. I ended up hating myself and was so angry and frustrated I decided to live life on the edge and rebel. I took and sold drugs. My father attacked me and tried sticking two large bread knifes into my stomache one night. He lunged for me and I jumped back and they missed me by one inch. I attacked him with a steel pole then he slit my tyres in my car. Then my friends got involved in a dispute between other gangs running drugs. I was told one of them had a gun and was intending using it. I stood in front of the leader of that gang and refused to move due to my pride. The gun was stuck in an inside pocket of his coat and he couldnt get it out. I think God saved me that day. Another time I was surrounded by 6 guys in a casual club (football followers that promote violence and fighting). Two of them had knives.

The effect of my fathers beating and continual emotional abuse could not be removed though as when I stopped taking drugs, all the pain seemed to be still there.

I tried counselling, anger workshops, intensive therapy, (Iknew drugs didnt work!), I even tried counselling for 1 year. I tried hypnotism, the occult, contacting my spirit guide....you name it....I have tried it.

I tried religion too...I became catholic and married in a catholic church, took communion and prayed. I read my Bible every day but it still didnt do anything. I even tried giving money away to make myself feel better. I couldnt control the anger and rage inside me. I was told by a counsellor I was a walking time bomb ready to explode. I had promised myself I wouldnt treat my Kids like I had been treated but I couldnt change myself. I cried out to God, If your there PLEASE HELP ME! I shouted at the top of my voice in desperation a couple of times.

I had a dream one night that I had died and was refused entry into heaven. It was so real to me I actually thought it was happening. When I awoke I was sweating and I heard this voice in my head like a very distinctive strong thought separate from myself saying "Get Right...Get Right!" It happened twice. I decided to go to a christian church and was baptised after deciding I would give him a try and see if he could help.

The first thing that happened when I came out of the water from a full immersion baptism was that I had peace for the first time in my life. It was as though I knew everything was okay and going to be alright.

The second thing that happened to me was as I worshiped in the church, It was as though somebody breathed into my lungs. I felt a filling up inside me. I became full of joy and happiness (this is someone who has tried cocaine and heroin and this was not in my mind). The thing is that was over 12 years ago and the feeling has not left me. Its True.

 

After two years of trying to be a christian I felt I should ask for prayer. I asked this older lady in our church that was known to be a woman of faith and she agreed. When I was taken aside to a private place she bagan to pray and talk in a funny language, they call tongues. I started to shake and couldnt stop. I almost shook off the seat and was clenching my teeth real hard hoping I could somehow control it or stop it.

She started to speak to these feeling that plagued me....HATE...she said..... COME OUT and this wind seemed to pass through me. I actually felt this dark presense leave and the world becoming a better brighter place every time she said it. There was about 7 or 8 feelings that had dominated my life she had told to leave and everyone left. She explained to me these were spirits and the devil had tried to destroy me.

Many blind people will laugh at me but thats okay. I laughed at this too at one point in my life. What they cannot deny is my experience and my testimony. MY family is known to be hard and fighters. I am the only Christian and I am completely healed. I have since learned that Jesus wants us to come to him, not through religion or our effort, but to simply obey what he states clearly in the bible:

Turn from your shortcomings and failings (sins) and be baptised. Believe that Jesus rose from the dead after dying on a cross for you personally and confess him as Lord in your life. Give him your life, become a born again believer (john 3:3) and you shall become saved. Those who believe shall speak in new tongues and pray for the sick and they will be healed.

If you PM me I will share with you a dream I had with Jesus in it.

I know God lead me here to share with you.

There is hope

MB

[sushi]

I am so sorry that you are so unhappy. Please do try councelling again. Sometimes it takes a while to find the right person to talk to. Remember medication often takes at least 6 months before it is effective.

Sometimes reading books help. I read a book called bad things happen to nice people. It helped me realize that the things that happened to me were not because I was a bad person. Mind you, I am still working on that one.