first post, questions about "no contact" rule

[intranet]

I see a lot of people on here (I'm glad I found this site by the way) saying that the best thing to do after a breakup (it's been just 13 hours for me now) is no contact. "None, it's hard, really hard etc, but just do it, it's the best thing to do"

 

I had a relationship about 2 years ago and she broke up with me, reasons uknown - she said it was her fault, she didn't know what was wrong - and I was so upset that I did the "no contact" thing without anyone having to tell me to. I was so angry that I wanted nothing to do with her. I didn't talk to her at all - she tried talking to me a few times and I just blew her off. I got over the relationship a couple months later.

 

This past relationship is more complicated IMO. We were going out for about 8 months, not a long time compared to some of you I know, but my longest to date. I really don't want to dwell into a whole lot of detail just yet, unless you guys (and girls of course) think it will help.

 

We talked for over an hour last night, and I asked her "So what is this?"...to which she replied "breaking up?", and I asked her what type of breaking up it was; Still be friends, don't see each other, don't talk to each other, talk but don't see, etc. She said "of course" she still wants to see me, and later on today (Friday) we were both supposed to go to a party for our friend who is leaving to Virginia. I asked her if she is still going to go, and she said she wants to, she wants to see me, and she asked me if I were going, and I said yeah (I was going regardless) I talked to my sister about this whole ordeal (she's 30 and been through a divorce and has a son), so I knew she was someone I could talk to.

 

She said that I'm in a life rut, and it's gonna be hard for me to think clearly, and that I need to think what's best for Kevin (me). She also said that I shouldn't go to the party because it'll just get dramatic, and if I were to have a few too many drinks, that could lead to more problems. I told her fine, I just won't drink, to which she laughed "we're Irish remember"...that's what I needed - humor. It helped with the last breakup My sister is awesome

 

Anyway, after reading a lot thru these forums, I've come to already respect a lot of your guys' opinions since many of you have been thru same or worse scenarios. I tried doing a forum search for "no concatc" but I got hundreds of results, so I figured I'd start out my first post with this.

 

Is it really the way to go?

[intranet]

I visited and read some posts on this topic:

[link removed you want your ex back? Tips, do's, and don'ts!

 

I suppose it makes a lot of sense and answers a lot of my questions. If anyone would like to talk with me though it'd still be nice

[SpecialOne]

Hello Intranet,

 

What your sister is say is totally correct! Indeed, you have came to the right place for such advice and it is only from our opinion based on our experience in our past relationships.

 

Anyway, the no contact rule is simply the best for your situation and it is recommended. She is only wanting to see you for the purpose of allowing her option to get back to you if she can't find someone more suitable or even trying to make herself feel better after the broken relationship, which might be the case.

 

Leave her for now and wait and see. Try to protect yourself from getting too hurt if you continue to be with her, as she might be playing game with you.

 

Best of luck.

 

Special One

[intranet]

What should I do if she talks to me online? Just ignore?

[The Morrigan]

Take away the opening - you can always add her back or unblock her later, but for now, your first priority has to be you. Privacy settings are there for a reason - it's time to use them. It's not like you're leaving on a grand tour of third world countries - when she's REALLY wanting to get in touch with you, she'll find a way. If she emails or gets a message to you in some other way "why don't you want to talk to me?" just be direct, tell her you're not ready to come straight out of a relationship to friends, and you need space to heal so you can move on as she's doing.

 

She's not going to appreciate what she had until she feels she's really lost it - as long as you're being a supportive caring friend, the only thing she's going to miss is the pressure of wondering if the grass could be greener - not the position you want to put her in!

[neallo82288]

When I was put into the situation as you are going to be in tonight, I just said the least possible amout to her. I said hi and how are you, but nothing more and looked away from her. The whole night she sat right next to me and I ignored her until she started to cry and that made me see what was wrong.

 

Two things here:

1) If you want her back, then go to the party and show her you have moved on already. Do not run from nor do you initiate any contact with her.

 

2) If you don't want her back then do not go. Leave her alone and move on with your life.

 

I would suggest that you go elsewhere and let her dwell on what happened. And I would also encourage you to follow The Morrigan's advice.

 

Both options are open to you and you must decide if you are strong enough to go and just be her friend. If you caannot then do not go.

 

Neallo

[intranet]

ok so she broke up with me on the 29th, called me the next day just to talk (we talked just about how we were doing cuz we were both physically sick from different things) and that was about it. Nothing about what'd happened the day before. We talked for maybe half an hour.

 

She IM'd me to tell me that she couldn't come to the party because she had forgot to pick up her medication, and that her Mom didn't really want her going anyway. Towards the end of the conversation she goes "some friends have been telling me that maybe I shouldn't see or talk to you for a while, I think I'm gonna take that advice", doh. She's using my own weapon against me. I told her that that's what I was going to do, but I didn't want to blatantly tell her.

 

This was Friday, and later on I went to the party I talked about befor, and obviously she wasn't there, but I tried to enjoy myself....which ended up being hard since pretty much everyone there knew about what'd happened between me and her. I'd asked her on the phone (Thursday) who she was going to tell at first, if anybody (like her parents, etc) and she said only her close friends.

 

Well I had about 10 (no exaggeration) people asking me "how I was" and "how I was holding up" etc - I came to the party to get away and have a good time, not to be engulfed in pity.

 

I txt'd her and told her I was angry that everyone seemed to know about it.

 

I probably shouldn't have done that but ....... I dunno. I talked to her about it a little yeserday (Saturday), and she said she was sorry but we didn't dwell too much into it.

 

Then she said at the end of the convo, I hope we can hang out sometime in the future, or something like that......I just said "later" (as in 'bye')

 

Other than that I'm doing my best not to contact her. I haven't since yesterday. Any opinions/comments? Appreciated

 

 

by the way...anyone have dreams after you've recently broken up that you were back together, or that you never broke up, and you were happy as can be..then you wake up, and the pain and sadness is just as bad as when you initially broke up. That really brings me down. It happened to me last night when I was sleeping. Holding hands, laughing and kissing, carefree, then I wake up on my friends couch and I want to cry. Sleep is the worst, if you're not awaken by a dream like that, then you still wake up at a point and remember that you no longer have a significant other.

 

Ok enough blabbling from me. This is making me too upset.

 

Thanks guys.

[intranet]

I'm really confused now because she wants to do the no-contact thing, when she initiated the break up. I dunno how this works out exactly.

[Apoc220]

The No-Contact rule is a method of helping you move on, and gain some respect from the other person (the latter isn't garrantied to happen but it can.) You should not concern yourself on wether she is observing the no-contact rule or not. Right now you have to focus on yourself, because right now she is not an immideate part of your life. She broke up with you, if you initiate contact it will only work against you, not for you. If she truly wants to be your friend (or more) she will be the one to contact you, if not then you know that you wasted your time and she wasn't the person that you thought that she was. I've come to believe that when a relationship ends or goes on a hiatus you should not rush to get back together until you truly analyze the situation and are sure that the other person suits you in a relationship. You'd be surprised to see the true colors of the person who you considered "the one" and "the love of your life". Above all things take care of yourself and if she is the one for you, and she cared about you truly, then she will come to you.

[intranet]

sounds good. The amount of other stuff I've been finding out since then is making it extra hard not to talk to her, but I've been doing well.

 

My friend hung out with her 2 nights ago and said that she misses me a lot (understandably so, we just broke up) and that she thinks I'm putting up a front that I don't care about her anymore or that I'm already over the entire thing.

 

I was sort of afraid of those types of things happening. I'd like her to have the impression that I'm not sitting here sulking and crying everyday, wallowing in my own misery - which I'm certainly not, I'm doing pretty well - but I don't want her to feel as if I didn't care the entire time we were dating.

 

I guess my only option is to have my friend talk to her for me indirectly about how I'm really feeling.

 

Good idea?

[intranet]

Quick question....at what point do you initiate contact? When she trys to get ahold of me?

 

I don't want her to get the impression that I completely gave up and don't care at all anymore, I mean if that were the situation, I wouldn't be posting in these forums =)

 

Just wait, if she calls or IM's or whatever, then I guess I'm fine to talk back, right?

[Archivist]

Hey man,

 

Sorry to hear about your situation, it can really get you down i know, i had a few dreams of my ex before, one wher ewe were back together, and another when we we just having a great time together, you really do wake up feeling empty. Those dreams go away evenutally i prmoise you that. Just a bit of advice from me. When i was actually serious about the no contact thing, i went out of my way to go out and enjoy myself, even if i didn't feel like it, its got to be better than sitting at home doing nothing even if your heart isn't set on going out. Even though i wasn't enjoying myself all the time. My ex thought that i was, and maybe she was jealous that i "seemed" to be handling it so well. Thats why she contacted me again, she was beginning to have second thoughts, but dont get too excited if that happens. that was my mistake. I was giving her all my attention again it was too easy for her, not only that, but she decided that it would perhaps be better if we remainded as friends after all. What i'm saying is, stick to the no contact thing let her think you can live without her, you managed it before you were together just try your best. If she contacts you, its up to you from there onwards, but dont make my mistake of jumping straight back to her and then letting her walk all over you. When you talk to her, just keep it casual, dont bring up any of the realtionship stuff unless she does first, let her know you still care about her, (without over doing it) so that when YOU end the converstation, make sure she would feel comfortable contacting you again. Best of luck to you and be strong!

[intranet]

thanx for the reply. sorry to hear about your situation. I think I'll be able to handle it if she contacts me. I can play it cool and not over do it.

 

I had planned a big day for us for Valentines day, which included me making reservations at a wine bar.

 

I'm sure I'll be alone on V-day, and so will she, and I'm assuming by then (almost 2 weeks) she'll have contacted ME, so....I can't forsee how things would go until then, but I think I'd still like to take her anyway.

 

Good idea? Or 'seems good and will turn bad'

 

You guys have been awesome, keep up the good opinions

[Archivist]

Well i wouldn't make the reservation yet, see is she contacts you first and how the converstaion goes, before you decide on arranging anything. Like always becareful when your making plans or reservations, there is always the possisbility she may not call you before V day, it can set your healing back a long way if you get your hopes up or set your heart on arranging this V day date, take it slowly my friend, its still a possibility.

[intranet]

I completely agree on taking it slowly.

 

What I was saying though was that I had already made reservations before we broke up.

 

I can always cancel, but then comes that fee...ah well.

 

I am definitely NOT getting my hopes up - I think I am doing pretty well, and I don't know why, for all I know I should still be totally in the pits. It kinda gets me on and off sometimes...like right now I'm fine and I'll probably be fine for the rest of the night, but when I wake up tomorrow, I may be blah...

 

My sister invited me up to New Hampshire a while back for the weekend of Valentines day because my older brother is going over to visit her from California, and they and a couple of my friends from NH are all gonna go out so if nothing happens, I have that to fall back on. =)

 

I'll wait and see what happens. In the interm, I've been working 10 hour days these past few days so I've been pretty occupied and my mind has been off her for the most part, which is good.