stella74 Posted October 31, 2008 Author Share Posted October 31, 2008 Oh, okay...I get it now. LOL You're right. But the only time I wouldn't reply at all is if I definitely wasn't interested or only liked the person as a friend and didn't want him to get the idea I wanted to date. In any case, I think both of the men in my experiment had plenty of time to let me know they were interested in asking me out in order to see me and talk to me. I think I should keep trying this out, though. I'll keep putting the ball back in the man's court and see what happens. DBR, in your opinion, would you be more likely to call a woman if she emailed you that she'd like to see you/talk to you but didn't give you her phone number or if she offered her number to you? In the first instance, you'd have to ask for her number. Link to comment
DaBladeRoden Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 Well if two girls did each of those things, I'd go for the one giving me her number first. Kind of like a girl going "Yeah, we def should hang out sometime" could just be lip service vs. a girl who actually wants to make plans to hang out. Link to comment
stella74 Posted October 31, 2008 Author Share Posted October 31, 2008 Thanks. Very helpful. I tried to rep you but I have to spread it around. Link to comment
DaBladeRoden Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 dang rep system anyway! Well let me know if you need anymore dude's thoughts Link to comment
stella74 Posted October 31, 2008 Author Share Posted October 31, 2008 ^ Yes, actually, I just thought of another question. What makes it easiest for you to ask a woman for her number, after she's said it would be great to see you/talk to you? Link to comment
Ammy Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 Okay, I understand ... except for the "some degree" part. LOL Maybe that's the problem you're having. I guess this is similar to a man having to wait to hear back from the woman after he's emailed her or called and left a message. In my case, I replied within 24 hours. I keep thinking either I'm being overeager or I'm not showing enough interest. But most likely, if a man isn't responding to me in a reasonable time it means he's not interested. That's what I'd tell someone else, man or woman, in my situation. I'm trying to figure out the reasonable time to wait. I don't play games and don't like it when men play games. I think it's important to show some emotional detachment in the early stages of dating as well as enthusiasm, so it can be difficult to find the right balance. Yeah people play games with "length of time" to reply.. I do it sometimes so as not to come accross overeager.. I find the guy usually matches my waiting time.. If I'm quick, they're quick, if I cool off, they do.. The thing is they should both reply, you have shown interest... perhaps with guy 1 giving your number would have shown more interest, but either way they should at least take the chance and email back and ask you out. I say wait it out a bit longer... and then reassess next week if there's still no reply. Ammy Link to comment
DaBladeRoden Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 Start giving out your number to the people near him, maybe he'll feel left out and ask for it. That's what happened with Smoking Girl. Link to comment
stella74 Posted November 1, 2008 Author Share Posted November 1, 2008 ^ I can't very well do that via email, though. LOL The thing is they should both reply, you have shown interest... perhaps with guy 1 giving your number would have shown more interest, but either way they should at least take the chance and email back and ask you out. I say wait it out a bit longer... and then reassess next week if there's still no reply. Sounds good Ammy. Thanks! I'll wait it out. I tried to rep you too, but I've gotta spread it around first. Link to comment
volpe Posted November 2, 2008 Share Posted November 2, 2008 Too bad Stella-- yeah, they seem not totally interested, it seems best to find some new guys. Really if they were interested they would have made an effort to make concrete plans. Sorry, I know it sucks. Link to comment
real_girl Posted November 9, 2008 Share Posted November 9, 2008 Okay, I understand ... except for the "some degree" part. LOL Maybe that's the problem you're having. I keep thinking either I'm being overeager or I'm not showing enough interest. But most likely, if a man isn't responding to me in a reasonable time it means he's not interested. That's what I'd tell someone else, man or woman, in my situation. I'm trying to figure out the reasonable time to wait. I don't play games and don't like it when men play games. I think it's important to show some emotional detachment in the early stages of dating as well as enthusiasm, so it can be difficult to find the right balance. That's right on, Stella. I'm in a similar situation. I've been out with this guy twice, I really like him, but his out-of-state work has prevented us from getting together for a while, although he's shown interest enough to ask me out the two previous times. So, he gets back in town this time and doesn't email immediately. I, fool that I am, make the mistake of emailing him to suggest an outing. He says he may be free Sunday, and again, foolish me, I take him up on it (by email, as I live with a relative and we haven't communicated by telephone at all). Then, having no response by midday today (Sat.), I email again saying I was perhaps too hasty and that he didn't even know he'd be free. So, I give other possibilities in my busy schedule for the coming week. He replies, saying "sure, it's fine to cancel Sunday" (even though I clearly indicated I was open for Sunday but would postpone if he couldn't make it!). He replies, suggesting we communicate in a day or two (note he doesn't say "I'll call you"). Then mentions that Friday, one of the days I gave as free in my schedule, sounds good. I've decided to try your "right balance" approach, Stella. I simply replied, "Sounds good. Have a nice night," followed by my signature. If he doesn't contact me, I won't contact him again. Do folks think I did the right thing? Link to comment
stella74 Posted November 10, 2008 Author Share Posted November 10, 2008 Sorry I didn't see this post, since it was your first! I've been busy and away from ENA. Anyway, never heard back from either man, so I can't say whether my approach works or not. But I do think it helps to have the "right balance" of showing enthusiasm and interest but also staying detached and putting the ball back in the man's court so he can take the initiative in calling. If you're still having a problem with this, you can start a new thread. Good luck. Link to comment
volpe Posted November 16, 2008 Share Posted November 16, 2008 stella- i think this shows that a lot of what happens when we date has sometimes little to do with what we choose to do... a lot of what happens is out of our hands-- they may just not really feel us or have someone else they are more interested in. we can't blame ourselves that if we did this or that maybe it would have turned out differently! you tried both possibilities after all... Link to comment
stella74 Posted November 17, 2008 Author Share Posted November 17, 2008 I think you're absolutely right Volpe! Link to comment
stella74 Posted November 22, 2008 Author Share Posted November 22, 2008 Can I get some feedback on this? I received an email from Man #2 (with my phone number). To refresh your memory or in case you don't feel like reading the entire thread...He'd emailed that it would be great to see me and that he'd see me soon after he returned from his trip on Oct. 28th. I had replied "Yes, it would be great to see you" and gave him my number. I didn't hear back from him until today. He said he just realized we haven't seen each other yet and he said it would be great to see me. He didn't ask me out, though. Instead, he asked me if I'd come to see him give a presentation tomorrow night. I already had plans and I felt a bit odd about it. I didn't understand why he was asking me on a Friday to come see him on a Sat. night or why he waited almost a month to contact me. And I didn't understand why he didn't ask to see me one-on-one. The more I thought about it, I decided he just wasn't interested in dating me and maybe I had misread him to begin with. He didn't even call me. He emailed. So I replied that I had plans and wished him luck with his presentation. Tonight I got an email from him saying "Oh what a pity to miss you! Hope everything is going well!" My gut feeling is to just stop communicating with him. But I'd like to know what others think first. Thanks. Link to comment
Ammy Posted November 22, 2008 Share Posted November 22, 2008 Hey Stella, The rational me agrees with you and thinks he should have tried harder. I would advise you to forget about him. If he bothers to email / call / text in the future think about it at that point. The emotional me - if I were in the situation - would probably force the issue further and end up feeling more let down by the guy... LOL... NEVER listen to the emotional side of me, it always gets me into trouble. So to sum up, I think you made the right decision and I would forget about it and move on to better, he sounds a bit of a flake! Ammy Link to comment
stella74 Posted November 23, 2008 Author Share Posted November 23, 2008 Thanks Ammy. Sounds good. Link to comment
volpe Posted November 23, 2008 Share Posted November 23, 2008 yeah, I agree with Ammy-- that's never a good sign. And really it's pretty lame of him. Ugh. yeah, you did the right thing by declining... saves you later on. He is not all that interested because if he were he would definitely have remembered in advance. I've made that mistake in the past-going out at the last minute- never a good idea.... Link to comment
stella74 Posted November 23, 2008 Author Share Posted November 23, 2008 Thanks Volpe. It helps to have the validation. I'm getting a lot better at accepting when someone isn't interested in dating me and just letting things go! Link to comment
volpe Posted November 24, 2008 Share Posted November 24, 2008 It's not easy stella... I think maybe you know... if you are dating lots of people... but for me I don't find that many people I'm interested in... so... it sucks when I am interested in getting to know someone, but the feeling isn't mutual... but it's also a relief when we just let go of the ... what's the word? responsibility? just knowing it's not necessarily about if we "played the game right"... but it's about something that's often not at all in our hands... best of luck... i know you'll find someone good for you!! Link to comment
fastball2113 Posted November 25, 2008 Share Posted November 25, 2008 Say, "I break up with you!" Got that trick from The Rocker Link to comment
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