The Aftermath...

[tiger_lilies]

I'm having major problems regarding what to do with myself after my boyfriend's been taken advantage of. It's a long story...one that, majority of people don't believe. I don't blame them because all the odds are against my b/f. Basically, he was really drunk and this girl took full advantage of him. (to sum it all up in one sentence).

 

My problem is not whether I believe him or not. I'm am now dealing with the rippling effect that his stupidity has caused me. All of my closest friends don't believe him, they feel I am a Loser for going back to a cheater. They are looking out for me and only have the best intentions for me, however it's caused me to distance myself away from them because first of all, they don't believe his story and I do.

 

My question is, how does one survive a tramatic incident in a relationship? I know that we need to talk...but talking seems to only go so far. I've talked forever about how I feel and how he feels and how my friends feel...but there doesn't seem to be a conclusion.

 

I feel as if our once perfect relationship is ruined. Now I must keep my friends separate from him because they think he's a jerk. We've been together for over 2.5 years. My emotions go from total forgivness to blaming him for the pain and anguish I'm going through.

 

I'm not sure if I'm making much sense. I'm just so confused, sad, frustrated and angry. There was a time when I felt truly happy with my life. Now I feel like there's nothing but drama. Drama with my b/f and friends.

 

I don't know how to fix things and make it all right again. My b/f lived with me for 2 years and when he screwed up, I kicked him out. Now I'm living on my own again and the loneliness is killing me. It's been about two months since he moved out. We still see each other to talk about things, but I'm finding it hard to just "see" him and not have him living with me again.

 

I just don't know how to handle things gracefully. I often have angry outbursts now and have found myself defending myself and my b/f from my friends. Which I hate doing.

 

Please, if anybody out there has gotten back with their b/f after they've cheated on you, I need some advice. The difference here is that he was taken advantage of..meaning he was essentially "raped" by a girl. I know that sounds totally unbelievable, but please, I don't need to hear that he's lying, because he's not. I just need to know what to do to get over this.

[Kadillac]

If you feel truly in your heart that he is not lying and that he was raped then stand by him. Your friends are trying to protect you because they care about you. Don't get mad at your friends. You have to remember that your friends are on the outside looking in and they are trying to protect you. But you have to tell your friends that regardless of what they think whether he cheated on you or not you are still going to be with him. Tell them that they may not agree with the decision that you are making but its not their decision to make and if they are your friends they will stand by you. Tell them that your are grateful for them looking out for you but you need their support more. If they are your true friends they will put their opinions aside and help you.

[The Morrigan]

It sounds like you need to have a chat with your friends and make them see the difference between looking out for you, and respecting your decision, whether they think it's a mistake or not.

 

If you don't think you can find the words, write it to them. Maybe something like "I value your friendship, and your opinions, but while I realize you're only trying to protect me, there's a point you have to respect the decisions I make and let me make a mistake if it is one. I'd appreciate it if you'd try to give me the benefit of the doubt for having enough sense to have done some heavy soul searching before making the decision I did. You're not going to be able to protect me all the time, and I need to learn and grow from choices I make, both good and bad. I don't want a schism in our friendship when you disagree with something I decide, even if you think I'm wrong. What I need is your unconditional friendship and support so I can make those choices without fear of it causing trouble between us, where I feel like I'm having to choose between my boyfriend, who I love, and you, who I love as my dear friend. Please try and understand what I'm saying, and how I feel. You'll always have my friendship and support whenever you need it, I hope I have yours."

 

Right now you're in between a rock and a hard place emotionally - and friendship shouldn't come with that string attached. Yes, it's hard to see someone we care about making a decision we think is wrong - but there's a certain amount of faith we have to have in our friends as well that they are capable of making their own choices and might not be making a mistake after all. They need to acknowledge you as having the wit to maybe have access to information and knowledge they didn't - and that you acted accordingly.

 

This isn't something your boyfriend can solve here - he's the "subject" of the conflict so to speak, and has little to no control over how your friends feel about him. So see if you can get a little understanding from your friends where they're just being that, a good friend, and where they're questioning your judgement to the point that they can't accept you have a right to make your own choices.

 

It's when things like this come up that we find out who our true friends are - the ones who are willing to think about what you say and consider it, and accept you without conditions, even if they disagree, are well worth the keeping.

[determined]

You have to also think, how old are you? 20/21/22/23/24. Minor infidelity does happen at these ages. However, I know plenty of people who have had cheating at early stages of their relationships (2.5 years is long now but im talking like 10 years) amd have managed to get over it, and they end up marrying having kids and all is good.

 

Don't have the illusion that at such a tender age for a relationship to see the distance, forgiveness can't take place. Obviously dont be a door mat, you'll know if he is really sorry or not simply by his tone

[tiger_lilies]

Thank you all for your replies. I am 26 and my b/f is 25. We've been doing nothing but talking about this situation for the last month and last night we talked quite seriously about "taking a break". It saddens me greatly to think of having no contact with him. It is so hard to break free from him when the both of us still want to be together.

 

However, I am not happy with our relationship. I am not happy with the way things are between us and the enormous pressure I feel from my friends. I just don't know how to make things "right" again.

 

My b/f thinks that I need to see a counselor or theripist to work through my problems. He is willing to do anything I ask of him, but he cannot fix the situation with my friends.

 

It is encouraging to know that couples do get through hard times when it comes to cheating. How? I have no idea. I don't want to break up with my b/f but I don't want to continue our relationship if it's going to be this way. How do people get over infidelity?

[The Morrigan]

I suppose first, you have to really be sure in your heart he's being honest with you. If you're sure of that, you'd be better off seeing if there's a support group, either online or in your area, for family members and loved ones of rape victims. I'm not sure the typical "infidelity" type counseling would be of as much benefit since you trust his intentions were in no way to cheat on you - and reestablishing that trust is what most of those would be aiming at. It's more his judgement you have to be able to trust, that now that he's wiser, he won't find himself in a similar situation again. It might be of benefit for you to consider going to counseling as a couple for that - after all, both of you are involved in this.

 

The situation with your friends is different altogether - but if you can get through the issues you have with your bf, you might feel a little more able to handle them with the confidence you need.