tspoon Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 I've been with "T" for - ready for this? - FIVE years. We had a breakup for awhile, and I recently came back to him. He says he loves me, says I'm a part of his life, says he wants me. He is a hermit and really doesn't have any social life outside of me & him. He is intelligent, sexy, handy, healthy, all the things I want in a guy. He says I am everything he wants in a woman. We've had the talk time and again, most recently this weekend, and he always says, "I don't know what's wrong with me - why I can't give you what you need." I am a single mom, and really would like to know either way. I mean, if he can't do it (marriage) HOW do I let go? Link to comment
QTpie87 Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 well if you are everything that he wants in a woman then why is he acting like this? did you ask him that? if (the same question as before) then why doesn't he want to or why can't he marry you? he wants to be with you, but doesn't at the same time? Link to comment
tspoon Posted January 26, 2004 Author Share Posted January 26, 2004 He says he doesn't know what's wrong with him, just that he doesn't have that gene that supposedly everybody else has to settle down. He's not seeing anyone else. Like I said, he's a hermit. And he cares for me and shows it. But you know what it is - it's like I'm not capable of letting go of this idea of us getting married and having a family together. It's what I want - and although all of the "experts" say I should lay off and hang back and wait and see what happens - or leave him - I can't do either. I tried that when we broke up - we broke up because of his inabilty to go that one step further - but I found "out there" in the world I was really unhappy without him - and he was contacting me telling me he wanted me to come back. I thought that if I went back, things would be different. But, they aren't. It's very frustrating. Link to comment
disEnchantid Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 have you read the book "men who can't love"? I found it on amazon for a penny and it was suprisingly helpful. It tells you all the signs to look for to see if someone is a true commitment-phobe. My guess is that it's not a "gene" but perhaps something that happened to him earlier in life that makes him fear the idea of marriage or committing himself to one person. the book offers some advice on helping a commitment phobe...as long as they want to help themselves... Link to comment
kuhl282000 Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 Hey Girl Try This.................Say hey what gives here, we have been together for five years. And I need to know where this is going. Are you going to marry me or not ? I would like to be married to you.You will be pinning him down, and he might run. But at least you will know. If he says "YES"....then ask him when. I would love to be the fly on the wall. He will marry you !!!!!!!! If he is smart, or risk losing a good women. Kuhl Link to comment
routerx Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 Sure.. he has the best of all worlds.. a dependable woman without any responsibility. Cake and eat it too?!!! Time for him to step up to the plate. Don't let him off the hook to easy. You've been with him for 5 years, if he can't commit now, c'mon, this guy is taking you for a ride. Link to comment
tspoon Posted January 26, 2004 Author Share Posted January 26, 2004 I haven't read the book, but will check it out. Maybe I should just S.I.U. and be happy with what I have? Link to comment
tspoon Posted January 26, 2004 Author Share Posted January 26, 2004 p.s. thank you especially to the men who responded. Gives a whole different perspective! I feel like I'm a whiner when I bring this up with him... all he can do is go, "Yeah, I know, sucks, huh?" Makes me want to throttle him! But he is a good man and worth keeping. What if I just agreed with him and said, "Yeah, you're definitely lacking in the committment department. Yes, it definitely does suck." ? Link to comment
routerx Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 It really all comes down to what you want. You have been patient enough, so now it's your time to make the choice. I really think you need to put your foot down. Right now he has no incentive to change anything. You certainly are kind and understanding, but, maybe too kind for your own good. You have a kid. You deserve a husband and a father. That is what YOU deserve. Link to comment
Athena Posted February 4, 2004 Share Posted February 4, 2004 Be careful of what you seem to be willilng to give up for this guy. Will you ever really be content in a noncommitted relationship? Resentment is what will follow if you hold an expectation of commitment that never comes. -A Link to comment
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