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new girlfriend but still attracted to men


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I am 33 years old and consider myself bi though in the last couple years my more vivid fantasies and better sex has come from a man.

 

For the better part of 2008 I had a crush on a close female friend that deepened into what I consider being in love. Starting six months ago and a few times since I had told her how I felt but got rejected.

 

But then an amazing thing happened. About a month ago we became lovers!!

We slept together and it was a dream come true.

We spent every night of her last week prior to her moving away at my house and now we are in a long distance relationship.

 

Long story short I should be so happy now. For the first few nights of innocent kissing and cuddling I was. Yet a month later I am filled with daily anxiety and feelings that I am dishonest, selfish, destined to hurt her and ruin our friendship.

 

I am still attracted to men of course. Even though I love our closeness, daily phone calls, letters, texts, and sweet words(a dream come true)I am feel like I am at a major crossroads in my life. A long distance relationship can be overcome much easier than my other feelings it seems.

 

She is as close to what I think a girlfriend should be. I fantasize about starting a family with her. Gay or straight all I have ever wanted was to feel close to her and somehow have her as a companion in life. And now I have the first really great relationship of my life not only within my reach but in my hands. It is worth mentioning that she knows I am bi and as friends I discussed my attempts at dating men prior to my interest in her as a lover.

 

As of right now I don't intend to break up with her just because I fantasize about men. I feel that companionship and love is more important than sex especially if the sex I am going to have with a man is just casual. I have yet to find a person I like as much as her male or female. Until I find a man I like as much as her we will stay together. But being with her will effectively end that part of my life. A committed relationship with her means NO sex with men. Ever again.... I will never find a man who I am attracted to physically and emotionally if I don't get out there and search. But then again dating sucks!!! Bars, personals, sex ads is a dark lonely world that I lived in while my heart ached for her.

It is rough out there. I should be happy to have found a counterpart and even a sweetheart! Even if the sex isn't super hot.

 

A couple of my close friends tell me that I am obsessing and letting my mind overthink things. I tend to agree that I should just enjoy the time with her while it lasts yet I am still in turmoil. My therapist is supportive but is gay so I know where he is going to fall on this issue.

I want some outside-outside opinions would be so appreciated....-Ben``

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I wonder if you aren't using your "bisexuality" as an excuse for something else.

 

"Until I find a man I like as much as her we will stay together."

 

Isn't what you are really saying until I find someone better you'll do for now? Im not trying to start a whole argument, just be honest with yourself and with your girlfriend who you will dump as soon as you find someone better. Preferrably someone with a penis.

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From the viewpoint of someone who has been there, I would advise that you be more honest and caring about yourself and your girlfriend. If she is everything you've wanted in a partner, but you really aren't happy, then she really isn't everything you want or need in a partner. You thought she'd be, but you were wrong. If you are mourning the idea that you won't be with a man ever again, then I'd rethink the plan. At 33, you have your life ahead of you. Why not aim to be happy and fulfilled, rather than resigned to taking yourself out of the dating scene and settling for love without sex that you truly enjoy? A therapist should be objective and just be there to help you find yourself. If you feel that your therapist is biased, I think you should consider finding another one who you trust to take you through this. In the end, living a life inauthentically will only hurt you (and the ones you take along with you, like your girlfriend).

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I wonder if you aren't using your "bisexuality" as an excuse for something else.

 

"Until I find a man I like as much as her we will stay together."

 

Isn't what you are really saying until I find someone better you'll do for now? Im not trying to start a whole argument, just be honest with yourself and with your girlfriend who you will dump as soon as you find someone better. Preferrably someone with a penis.

 

You won't start an argument Luke. I tried to write my forum post as candidly as possible and see what kink of responses I got. I suppose that the part you highlighted does read like I am a jerk even though it was part of a long string of thoughts and didn't stand out initially.

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I think the best thing you could do right now is explore your sexuality. I personally would love it if my bf wanted to be with other men, as long as I was involved. My bf is bi, but very very secretive about it. I am bi too, so our bedroom options are pretty open. If your gf is not into 3somes with you and another man, then I think that you will not be happy and eventually you will move on to a man. I had a 3 year relationship with another woman and then went into a relationship with a man. Doesnt matter to me. I found out over the years that I am happiest with a man, and the occasional one night with another woman. Maybe you are the same. Who knows. I would figure that out, though.

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