letting go...is there hope?

[becca55]

Ok here is my situation...

 

I broke up with my boyfriend of three years about 4 months ago. At first I was ok with it, thinking it was a really good thing for the both of us. I needed to find myself, and help myself through diffcult times in my life. He also hurt me, and thats what ended the relationship.

 

When i first met him, it was like instant connection...stories I am sure you have all heard before so I wont bother you with the details, in a nutshell I really believe in my heart he is my soulmate.

 

About a month ago while on vacation, I had this huge realization that holy crap, I was so serverly depressed in the relationship, and all I was was this empty shell to him. He felt lonely. I was so full of anger, hurt and pain through out the relationship (not because of him), that I just pushed him away, I was so selfish and took him for granted. He treated me like a Queen, and I treated him like * * * * .

 

Now I am not blaming everything on the depression or myself, some things were on his end to. But if anyone understands depression, it really affects everything around you. He asked me to get help through out the relationship but I kinda just blew it off because i didnt know how much it was affecting me, because i was into deep.

 

He was really upset and cried for me everynight when we broke up I ignored it.

 

I learned he had a girlfriend, and is moving 10 hours away from here to be with her. Keep in mind here he has his whole family here, had a great paying job that he really loved going to everyday. He had a future of going back to school and becoming a professor. He had dreams to travel... Oh and he is 26. His new girlfriend is 19, has 2 kids (one is 4) and is on welfare and is in no hurry to get a job. (I am not saying welfare is bad). Anyways he fell for her quickly, and has quit his job and is moving out to this city with her and her family. Three of her family memebers are moving in with them, he doenst have a job, no money at all, no dreams to get an education, he is scared of getting older and has no support from his family...

 

His family knows this is a rebound girl and that he is going to hit rock bottom fast. They do not approve this relationship at all, and are not providing him with any finanical help at all (they have in the past with us).

 

I think that she saw his vunerbilitys and clung on to him, so she is standing there with her hand out for money (when and if he gets a job). I think he was trying to fill the void that i left behind, and took what ever he could get from the first person showed affection towards him.

 

I was so upset that I didnt realize what I was doing to myself and to him, and had huge regret that I let him go. I wrote him a long letter, saying all of the changes I made, what dreams I wanted to pursue with him, where i wanted to move to with him (our dream city), and what school I wanted to go to, how i would treat him...I poured my heart out on paper. I even said I wanted to have kids with him and get married and grow old together. Anyways, two days later after he read the letter, he let me see him. When i saw him, he listened to what i had to say and he stood there in silence letting me touch his arm and chest. You could really tell he was thinking, and hurting, and wondering. He leaned into kiss me, it was an amazing kiss. He let me talk to him for three hours. He didnt say much, when he did all he brought up was the hurt. I asked about her, and all he said was bad things about her.

 

Anyways he is still moving. Leaving behind a great life. His parents told my parents they have a feeling he will be back soon, but I dont think he will.

 

I dream every night about the day he comes back and if he would come running back to me. I think I would be on guard protecting my heart. It would be like I am second choice to her, she doesnt want me so I am stuck with her kind of thing.

 

I know he would come home a broken man and all i would want to do is fix him, when i know he has to do it himself. I am afraid he is not happy, and that he made this commitment to her to come and "save" her. He is afraid of being lonely, so being with her in his mind is the only way.

 

I just hope he realizes soon to go back on his right path in life, and be happy.

 

I have know idea what to do, I worry about him everyday. I know he needs to learn from his mistakes, and I hope he learns responsibility with having three people to take care of on one income. I just dont want him to get hurt.

 

Do you think I should wait? what if he comes back? what if he doesnt? i am confused myself....

[Kahdeksan]

Wow, for a moment there you really sounded like my ex... up to where you said you were treated like a queen and he was treated like * * * * .

 

He's taken the role of a 'caregiver' and as such has resumed to fixing this new girl's life as his agenda on keeping himself occupied with the hurt and the abandonment he's suffered when you left him.

 

The abandonment issue he now has is that' it'll never work with you because you've left him and so in effect you'll be more than likely to leave him again, this is why there will be no more attachments to you on his part. The hurt was too real and he'll NOT allow himself near that possible hurt and abandonment again (you). It's a survival mechanism that works for caregivers in that it deflects their issues onto another being and all manner of attention are on the new partner, because they firmly believe that "if you need me, you won't leave me" notion, and this new girl definitely needs him!

 

I'm afraid it is over between the two of you, and no manner of talking or asking him to see you will ever bring him back again... he's been bitten and he'll not subject himself to go against the grain of a security measure engraved into his subconsciousness to be with you again and risk being abandoned once more.

 

I'm so sorry to be this blunt... but this is what I surmise from your syntax, and I needed to be frank.. the truth hurts much less than the denial and the dawning of you coming to the sensation of realizing this survival measure of a person suffering abandonment issues such as your beloved ex, that this is indeed the phase that they go trough, attaching themselves to a person in need of fixing or rescuing!

 

I feel for you and indeed for him as well, since not only did you have issues (with your depression) but he has a deeper underlying root of childhood issues that need to be addressed, but you are NOT the one to do it or make it know to him... how can he trust you, you reassured his fears of being abandoned by leaving him when he did so much for you.

[CrapAtNC]

Wow from me, too.

 

It almost brought a tear to my eye reading your post, because that could so easily be written by my ex ... but sadly without the realization that you have made.

 

I don't think it's completely over; I do think you need to SHOW him you've changed. Go talk to a counselor or therapist, even for a few weeks; it makes a huge difference. Read some relationship books and absorb the advice within. Then show him through actions (not words) that you really do want to be loving to him, grateful to have him, and certain that you will never slip back to the old self again.

 

Be honest. Let him know you won't be perfect, but you want to be, and you are striving to be.

 

If you are telling him this kind of thing already, he will know that you sincerely are on the right road.

 

I really want to see you make this work. Because it gives me hope that I will one day get to see the wall around my ex's heart crumble and she realises how good a life we should be having together.

 

Rootin' for ya!

[Kahdeksan]

CrapAtNC, the problem here is not becca55, but her ex... it's going to be extremely difficult trying to get him to realize his ways. It's a lot of hard work to try and get him to change what he's grown accustomed to and has been very comfortable in since childhood... The role of a provider is all he knows on how he should deal with love in an otherwise unhealthy relationship.

 

For a person dealing with his issues one needs to change by acknowledging their own problems and REALLY wanting this change. This means to step out of this circle of comfort and face the harsh reality of being a caregiver, suffering from the lack of love shown toward him at an early stage in his infancy. This means digging deep into his conscience mind and delving even deeper into the subconscious mind where the fundamental issue relating to his plight rests with his parents lack of love and abandonment.

 

To me it seems as though he is content and adamant on rescuing this new girl of his since she needs his undivided attention and love, and in return he needs her neediness to fulfill his goal of providing for her dependency so that she will not abandon him but rather fill his mind with a false sense of security that "all is provided for, she will not leave me". This is where and what caregivers thrive to fulfill upon, such is their sense of accomplishment that all else is a matter of no importance, which is why they undergo huge sacrifices to please the other.

 

He's given all his got for his new girl, moved away with her, given up on his successful job, has no close or immediate friends and family close by. He's resorted to this in all hopes of yielding to this unhealthy desire of his which he heroically wields himself as the savior in her life, so that he can get a fixation on her life and dependency as opposed to reflecting on how miserable his own life is, especially now that he's been hurt and burnt from being abandoned.

 

If they don't acknowledge the problems then there is nothing that needs to be changed in their frame of mind, and no amount of pleading on your part, Becca, is going to bring him back, remember, you're the one who abandoned him... This is what he now fears.