Men, need advice for how to get shy guy to open up/feel more comfortable

[Jewelie]

Guys, what things could a girl do to make you feel more comfortable and less shy around her? My guy is really shy and while he is great once he relaxes and opens up around me, sometimes it's hard to make that happen.

 

He doesn't talk much and is kind of insecure about that, as girls have teased him about it before. I try to start conversations by asking questions, but sometimes he just gives me a short answer and I don't want him to feel like I'm interrogating him.

 

I'm also a lot more experienced than he is, so I want to know what I could do to help him feel more comfortable. He's been coming out of his shell little by little, but sometimes it gets a little frustrating. I know he's already a little insecure about it, so I'm sure that only makes it harder.

 

Any ideas?

[Dave11]

A few years back I had a pretty strange conversation with a friend, which ultimately was the reason for us going out. We were talking online and ended up asking each other questions, nothing taxing or embarrassing, just about family, life, ideas etc. Everytime she asked a question I would have to ask one and so on.

 

I have no idea how it got started, just us messing around, but it resulted in us both opening up to each other more, and getting to know one another.

 

Probably is easier online as face to face conversation can be more intimidating, but could still help.

[bijoux27]

Just be very warm and receptive, use your body language to get him to be comfortable.

[Dave11]

Just be very warm and receptive, use your body language to get him to be comfortable.

 

I used to be pretty reclusive, wouldn't necessarily say shy, but definetly more of an introvert, as such I really had little concept of body language.

 

I still I don't really pick up on it as much as most people do.

 

Its a good idea, but don't count too much on it as he might not pick up on it.

[bijoux27]

I used to be pretty reclusive, wouldn't necessarily say shy, but definetly more of an introvert, as such I really had little concept of body language.

 

I still I don't really pick up on it as much as most people do.

 

Its a good idea, but don't count too much on it as he might not pick up on it.

 

Pick up on what?

 

I think that it's better to use nonverbal communication to get a shy person to feel more comfortable rather than to ask them more questions and use verbal tactics...both are important but I'd lean toward body language being more effective with shy people. Works for me.

[Dave11]

Pick up on what?

 

I think that it's better to use nonverbal communication to get a shy person to feel more comfortable rather than to ask them more questions and use verbal tactics...both are important but I'd lean toward body language being more effective with shy people. Works for me.

 

Pick up on body language I mean, if someone sat closer to me, ie to show they were interested, then I would likely just freeze or edge away.

 

Body language is still important of course, I just meant you can't necessarily expect him to notice it all.

[x_perfect_stranger_x]

Just be very warm and receptive, use your body language to get him to be comfortable.

 

Agree!! Exactly what I was thinking.

[itsallgrand]

Forget about it.

 

Trying to work around someone being shy, and get them to change it, it only makes things more self conscious.

 

Be yourself and let him be himself with no pressure to do anything but be.

 

People can tell when someone else is trying to crack their shell - it strengthens the belief the person has that this is somehow unacceptable to be shy.

 

Forget it and focus on what you do like about him.

[Batya33]

Stop with the questions -- just "be" with him - even if it is in silence and let him open up when he wants to - by just being I mean relaxed, comfortable vibes (like someone else posted with body language). Opening up doesn't require someone using words to share about themselves - someone can be far more open by letting you look into their eyes, by holding your hand a certain way, etc. Don't look into his eyes either or hold his hand - what I mean is to just be with him and give him the space and time to open up in the way he feels comfortable, not in the way you expect him to.

 

Of course, it's fine if that's not comfortable for you - you two just might not be compatible, but that is how I would go about handling this relationship.

[bijoux27]

Pick up on body language I mean, if someone sat closer to me, ie to show they were interested, then I would likely just freeze or edge away.

 

Body language is still important of course, I just meant you can't necessarily expect him to notice it all.

 

Well to be honest with shy guys I never pushed any physical barriers..I always gave them some space. People who aren't shy are usually more comfortable with touching/less personal space, it's more the opposite with shy people.

[Rammspieler]

Pick up on body language I mean, if someone sat closer to me, ie to show they were interested, then I would likely just freeze or edge away.

 

Body language is still important of course, I just meant you can't necessarily expect him to notice it all.

 

What he said.

 

Unless you are making it REALLY obvious (i.e. physically flirting with him like touching him in a more than friendly manner) most shy guys won't pick up on it. Or they will and will immediately assume that you're teasing him in a mocking manner. I know that when a girl tried body language on me I didn't pick up on it until she told me!

[Aardvarks need love too]

A while ago I was in an acting class that had very little actual acting in it. It was more about opening yourself up and not being afraid to look stupid and really connecting with your acting partner. It turns out when I focused more on the other person (Asking them questions and trying to GET them to open up) I would more often shut them down because they are worried how I will react to their statement. I might laugh, I might pity, I might negate. All of these make a person self conscious and they would rather say nothing than have to deal with that after they try to open themselves up. It's the equivalent of getting slapped in the face after offering someone a precious gift.

 

It was universally a better scene when I talked about myself. My likes, dislikes, feelings. It lets people open up more when they see that the other person is comfortable enough to open themselves up around them.

 

embarrassing yourself is also a good way to go. I could say that I am the clumsiest person in the world (I fall down the stairs, or trip going up them so often that I have started counted and am up to 16 times this week. And its only Tuesday. It's true

 

Above all, people want to be accepted. If you accept him as the quiet type, when he feels like opening up then he will feel ok opening up with you, cause you are an accepting person.

 

I hope that helped

 

Jason

[Manco]

Be friendly. Smile a lot. Ask question (which you already do).

 

Hope it works out for you

[Jewelie]

Thanks for the responses, everyone. I appreciate it.

 

We have done the back-and-forth question thing in he beginning, and I will admit that it worked quite well. I have also admitted a lot of embarrassing things about myself, which seems to have helped him relax a little and open up as well.

 

As far as body language or getting physical, we have already been together for awhile, so we are past the point of picking up on body language/flirting, and have already gotten physical. It's just to the point in the relationship where with other guys, we would have been getting closer/deeper and moving on to the next level, but with him, he is still a little shy. I guess maybe it will just take longer for him than it did with other people, and I'm fine with that, but was just trying to see what I could do to help things along.

 

I really want him to feel comfortable and was thinking maybe there was other stuff I could do. I do talk about myself alot, or at least about things I am thinking or what I think about this or that, in an effort to get some back-and-forth conversation going, but I feel weird talking about myself, so sometimes I just say nothing.

 

All in all though, I really can't complain - I prefer the company of a shy, modest guy over one who can't stop talking about himself or brags all the time.