just broke up with someone.. I have questions

[Shentar]

So my g/f just broke up with me. I think I am handling it well. I cried, naturally, but I could laugh with my roommate shortly afterward about unrelated things.

 

I know I need to have time before to move on to seeing someone else. We had only dated for 3 months, but I considered it pretty serious. How much is too my analysis over the relationship?

 

She said she thought someone out there was better for me and that if she stayed with me it would be wasting my time. She just didn't feel attracted to me anymore. Mostly she sited my lack of initiative as a main reason. I agreed with some of the examples she cited. I know I haven't handles some things lately the way I should have. Most of this is related to my mom just having a stoke. I've been depressed as I am having to make a lot of decisions 2500 miles away from her (and we were always close). I got overwhelmed with some stuff and had to do stuff in small doses. This also effected other things like going to the gym as often as I wanted to go.

 

I feel bad and I want to show her that it isn't me, but ultimately it is. Its something I want to change. I don't want to change myself, but I want to grow. I'm 29, but I feel like everyone should always work on something to be better. I think when you stop growing, you die, right?

 

Yes, she did do some things that annoyed me. She was as intelligent as I am, but in other fields than me, such as politics. I enjoyed the intellectual challenge, but at times she made me feel stupid. Part of my "stupidity" is form the fact that I am from a different part of the country and I am having to learn about the way of life here (southern boy in california). She also made me feel insecure about my body. Mostly she would talk about how she liked swimmer's bodies and wanted to "lick them". When I talked to her about it she would say she like me and wants sex with me, but part of me still felt bad that I didn't maker her want to "lick me". Is that normal?

 

Some of this is rattling off stuff. I really want to know how to handle things. I can't go back and change things that made her want to leave me, but I still have that desire to go back and say "well I can do this, will you still have me?". I know its not good to do that and I won't beg as its just not healthy. Where is the healthy line though between reflection and learning and regret? Should I just take things like being insecure about how I attracted her physically and work to improve those things for the next person (such as more time at the gym) and the things she said I didn't show much initiative about?

[Massari]

So my g/f just broke up with me. I think I am handling it well. I cried, naturally,

 

She said she thought someone out there was better for me and that if she stayed with me it would be wasting my time.

 

She just didn't feel attracted to me anymore. Mostly she sited my lack of initiative as a main reason.

 

Hey mate.. first of all I know exactly what you are going through, breakups are always hard, doesn't matter if you dated her only 3 months, you loved her right? that's why its hard. But I see some very bad traits about her, first of all I really hope that your mom is doing ok now after the stroke, stroke is a serious thing and I completely understand how you feel, your gf should have been supportive toward this, and not blaming you for acting different, the part where she said about leaving you because you think you deserve better is BS i think, its a like of excuse women use to initiate the breakup and feel less guilty, She made you feel bad about your body, this isn't exactly the person you want to be with. is it? No i don't think so.

 

yes right now it is hard, the breakup is fresh, you missed her, you were used to her, but I think down the road you will see that you deserve better ( you do deserve better and she was right, but when she say it its BS lol) . Keep going to the gym, it is healthy gets your mind off things and you can build that body.

 

Chin up mate. you will get through this.

[atelis]

i wouldn't worry about too much self analysis. dealing with a parent who has had a stroke is not easy and not something you can just brush off, unless you don't care about your parents.

 

as far as improving yourself, well we all try to improve ourselves, not just to attract the opposite sex, but to improve our quality of life and get more out of life. So do these things for yourself, not for her or any other women.

 

if you told me that you mistreated her or were abusive and that's why she left, then i would tell you that you you really need to take a long hard look at yourself.

[exploding head]

Dude, get in shape for yourself! My girl was a swimmer, and I was overweight. So I know how you feel. Since our breakup, (3 months ago), I've lost 35lbs, gotten more muscle, and look a hell of a lot better. I basically ran because there was nothing else that helped with the pain.

[Shentar]

Massari, thanks for replying to me. You have no idea how much your words helped. What you say makes a lot of sense. You are right. I do want someone who, even through I am not the best looking guy, will see me and think I am something great. I never got that, in many ways.

 

 

 

Thanks, atelis. I never would be abusive. I would hurt myself before I would physically hurt someone else, and before that I would walk away. I have walked away from a situation becaus I thought I might get too angry. Part of me wants to fix my problems, but I guess its not healthy to have to see something to fix.

 

I normally see what I did wrong, but I guess there isn't always something. I am glad she was honest, at least, and open to any question I had.

[Shentar]

Today I felt good. Well, better than I did yesterday. My chance I had an appointment with my therapist to see how the new ADs are working for me. They have helped and I was fine until...

 

I remember that I told her I wanted to meet up to exchange some stuff. Nothing too much, but I know I have a book of her's that she will want back. I thought it better to exchange it now so I could the concentrate on her not being around. I wouldn't have the meeting looming over me like a big oak tree blotting out the sun. Am I right for that? Is that the best way to do it?

 

Part of the relationship weren't right... but I do want her in my life in a large way...

[Massari]

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Part of the relationship weren't right... but I do want her in my life in a large way...

 

of course you would feel this way for a while it is only natural, no matter how bad the relationship was and how poorly she was treating you ( not saying that your relationship was that), it is just that I used to be in a terrible and I mean terrible, she was mean, a gold digger and eventually cheated on me an I had to break up with her, even after that I still missed her, i knew i did the right thing by breaking up with her and now I am glad that I did it, but at that time i didn't feel too good, why? because I cared about her and loved her so much. I think it is the case with you also, you cared about her so much that you didn't see the negatives, some people are like that, so am I. once you get passed this stage which I am 100% sure you will you will see that you did the right thing.

 

giving her stuff back is the first step and a very important one. so do it.

 

we are all here for you

[istjustony]

She was a bad person to you, yet I havent heard her side of the story. I'm sure there are things that annoyed her as well. Either way, you should try to move on, focus on your mom's health, she will always be your mother no matter what. Just like friends, girlfriends come and go, they lift your world and break them. Moms never do that.

Girls ALWAYS come up with a irrational excuse to break up.

GL to you, believe me the road will get brighter as time goes by.

 

Remember the bad comments and thoughts she had for you. Keep ONLY 1 object that will remind you of her, but put it in the closet or attic to keep it from your sight everyday.