I had some good advice, maybe I should have listened.

[mr_ripley]

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible.

 

I originally posted here back in August about my situation ( you can find the original post here link removed )

 

Anyway, shortly after I made my post the woman in question contacted me saying that she had split with her boyfriend. A week later she travelled the 200 miles from her house to mine to chat and maybe have a date. Things went fine, we had a nice romantic dinner and ended up sleeping together. We see each other over the course of the next few weeks, with her making the long 200 mile trek to see me. Still she won't commit to me, claiming that she is confused over her emotions for this other man. I tell her that I'm not an emotional battery and tell her not to contact me again. One week later she appears at my door and tells me that she is sorry and wants to make a commitment to me, she wants to be my Girlfriend. So over the course of the next couple of months or so she travels up to my house to spend the weekend with me and even takes me away on a romantic weekend (she pays for everything). She is affectionate towards me in public and tells everyone she knows about me. Perhaps the most bizarre part is that last month she moved house and job to be closer to me. She was going to move anyway, but she could have moved anywhere in the UK. She now lives and works just six miles from my home. Shortly she moves here she admits that she may still have feelings for her ex boyfriend. I tell her that I understand but it would be best if we didn't see each other anymore. She cries and I walk. Later that evening she sends me an SMS telling me that she doesn't in fact have any feelings for her ex boyfriend, I don't reply. Four days later she turns up at my mum's house when I'm there and helps my mum over the next few days with decorating the sitting room. This is obvious a way for her to initiate contact with me again. So we start seeing each other again. Anyway, things are fine for the next month or so until last week when I tell her that I love her. She tells me that she loves me but she's not "in love" with me. She later tells me that she may still have feelings for her ex boyfriend. By this time I've had enough so I hold out my hand and tell her that it was really nice knowing her and goodbye. She says that she doesn't want to end it like this. I insist, she holds my hand for a while then I walk away and don't look back.

 

Now I know that she went through hell in 2003. Her brother died she lost her pub which she owned and to top it all off she met this conman who she fell madly in love with. Please note this is the same man she claims to still have feelings for despite that fact that he swindled her out of £10,000 and has treated her like cr*p. He's in prison at this very moment.

 

Now here's my question, what the hell is going on with this woman? Did I do the right thing by walking away (I think I did)? What should I do if she contacts me again?

 

Thanks for any help.

[raggamuffin]

Ok first of all if you think you did the right thing...you probably do, you should trust your insticts or what ever/however you came to the decision I believe you didnt make it lightly.

 

Secondly bad things happen to people all of the time but regardless of that fact it doesnt give them the right to as you said use you as an emotional battery. The loss of a close loved one (in my case) helped me appriciate the people who really care about me and made me realise the people who arent so good to me.

 

If she trys to contact you again, just state your case say what ever your feeling and tell her that you dont need to be second best to someone who does indeed treat her like c*ap. Shes obviously extreamly confused and needs to sort herself out before she can have anysort of relationship. Good luck, I know this kind of situation isnt an easy one, especially when you care about the person.

[sleepers]

i don't how you feel right now, but i would feel extremely horrible if i was treated this way by this woman i love. She doesn't know what she wants. She's the confused one. Her actions prove one thing but her behavior shows another.

 

I wouldn't want to comment if you did right or wrong. cos you yourself know the best. I would also walk away from her if i were you. You don't deserve to be treated this way.

 

Give her some time to sort out things within herself. She seems to be some sort of a conflict etc. Give it time. If she manages to get it sorted out, good for her. N if ur emotions for her are still there, sit down and talk things through with her. it's really up to you right now. The ball is in your court and up to you to hit it back

 

Good luck!

[mr_ripley]

Thanks for the advice and support guys. I don't know how I feel at the moment. Part of me is glad that we have cut contact all together now. She sent me an SMS on Friday telling me that she has deleted my number from her phone to avoid the temptation to contact me, I did the same.

 

To be honest though, I'm losing respect for her. She told me last week that her ex boyfriend had been sleeping with his half sister on a regular basis a while ago. Now knowing this she stilll has feelings for him and is actually considering being back with him? The whole thing is just sick.

[raggamuffin]

Hmmm thats kind of strange what her bf is doing with his half sister...Actually very very strange. In the end the only way this can probably life if this other guy is out of her life. Just take your time and dont rush into anything crazy without thinking about what could happen from it. Best of luck, I hope everything works out for you. R. PS these things do take time to get over not a little bit of time but a lot of time but eventually you will be better than you were when you were with her.

[mr_ripley]

Thanks for the advice man.

 

Well she came round today to give me some money she owes me. We talked and it turns out that he called asking her if she would meet him next month when he gets out of prison, to talk. She has agreed to go and see him. She told me that she doesn't even know if she loves him but she has to get him out of her system, either by being with him for a while or by regecting him outright.

 

Either way, she has to see him. To get rid of (or live) the fantasy, I suppose.

 

Needless to say, I feel like sh*t. I can understand why she's doing it though, she was with me but never really with me if you know what I mean. Even when we were together I felt as though there were three people in our relationship. He was the unseen presense in so many of our moments together.

 

It doesn't make it hurt any less though.

 

God, I'll miss her.

[raggamuffin]

I would say (not that im saying im right but in my opinion) that she isnt over him because if she was she wouldnt need to see him after he got out of prision of all places. If she needs to get it out of her system what makes her think that one time is going to be enough to do it and she isnt going to keep on going back for that one last time?? I'd be careful if I were you, it all seems a bit icky for my liking. But I dont have to like it. I hope that Im giving you relevant stuff to think about and im not being a whiney cow.

[mr_ripley]

Thanks for the reply raggamuffin

 

The whole thing seems a bit icky to me too!

 

I called her last night and told her that I care for her. I apologized for any things I may have said to her which may have hurt her (I had indeed said a few nasty things to her over the last few months). She seemed pleased to hear this, although she told me that I had hurt her with some of my past actions i.e. the way I ended our relationship. Anyway, I'm going to see her tomorrow and see what happens. AT the very least I can get closure and start to move on in earnest.

 

I have a question though. Should I bother going to see her (I said to her that I would)? I do care for this woman but the whole horrible situation is making me withdraw from her somewhat. I know no matter what we need time apart from each other, we both agreed on this. If I do see her tomorrow I think I'll just tell her that I care for her very much but for now I can't be part of her life in any way. Then I'll just apply the no contact rule and move on. If it was meant to be then it will happen.

[raggamuffin]

You know there is no relationship EVER that has had easy sailing. There is no relationship ever where things werent said or done that have hurt the other person. But thats the grand thing about love...it doesnt matter. You forgive and forget. Easier said than done I know because Ive done my fair share of blaming and hurting in past relationships but the good ones after a day it didnt matter anymore. Even when the love of my life broke my heart it didnt matter that he had hurt me because i still loved him. Thats the glory of love...Although it isnt always glorious i realise that. She should also realise that she has done her fair share of hurting its never just a one sided thing. It takes two to tango and from what i can tell shes done her fair share of hurting. Im glad that you are looking to the future and its important that you have realised that the road to recovery is going to be a long one. My partner of 3 years broke up with me in september of 2002 and in the last 4 months i have only just got over him. But its ok to take your time in doing it. There is no time limit on these things.