Please...I need some useful advice...

[MeekOne]

Hello,

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 months. I know this is not a lot of time, but in that time, we have come to the point where we are living together.

 

I'm not someone who has sex with a person right after knowing them for a short amount of time, but after about a week, we wound up making love. A few days after doing that, we said we love each other....a week or two after that, we said we were engaged and he has been moving his stuff in slowly.

 

Last night, we went to find some new sheets for the bed, because he doesn't like the flowery ones I have...we could not find a set we could decide on together...the selection wasn't that hot either...but we couldn't find one. Anyway, we picked up some cologne for him and since he put his paycheck into my account, I payed for the purchase...as I was paying, I asked the cashier "where is this place" mainly because I don't shop there frequently...he piped up and said "Its the blonde thing you know"...I got a little offended that he would say that about me to a perfect stranger.

 

I let him know that, and he apologized for it and said he would never do that again. I said okay, but its more than that. When we got home, I wanted to talk about it, and he wanted to avoid talking about it so he went into the bedroom and layed on the bed in the dark. I kind of opened the door really quickly and turned on the light...he didn't appreciate that so he left the bedroom and went to go play video games with my daughter (she's 17 and they like that kind of thing.) Well I just read in the bedroom and started to brood...we were supposed to spend time together that night looking at wedding plans and moving stuff in the closets so he could have room. After about 1 hour I went out to the family room and said that the video game thing has to stop because they were playing video games for most of the day and the day before, and now it was taking time away from our time. I know I lost my temper a bit, and he's right about that, but I was hurt.

 

Today, we tried to talk about it, and now he says he needs to put off the wedding plans for a while because he wants to see how we will get along better in the future. I told him that I know what I want, and that I want him. Life is too short to put things off and I want to be married to him.

 

Now, he avoided my call and I texted him 3 times to apologize, but I'm not hearing back from him.

 

What do you all make of this? Am I being unreasonable? How can I reach him & let him know how I feel? Please give me some useful advice and be kind. I know I'm not all that right in this, but neither is he, right? Thanks

[DN]

Welcome to eNotAlone.

 

Well, I do think you over-reacted. The blonde thing was a weak joke for which he apologised but then you wanted to still make a big deal out of it.

 

Since he didn't want to do that you then brooded and thought up another argument to have with him and told him how he is to spend his time. It seems when you did that you also humiliated him in front of your daughter.

 

This may be a product of moving way too fast - or it may be that there are underlying issues.

 

But from what you have posted - I would say you are in the wrong and you have definitely caused him to have serious doubts.

 

I think you need to have a serious talk about how you both manage this relationship.

[keenan]

Hi there, and welcome to ENA! I'm sorry you and your boyfriend are having a hard time resolving this. Give him a little time to come back on his own, after he's cooled down, and then have a discussion. I think that your boyfriend's basic idea isn't unreasonable: You need to spend more time learning to cope with conflict as a couple before you commit yourselves to each other for the rest of your lives. The way that you're each handling this conflict speaks to your different styles. Maybe you get mad right away but cool off quickly, whereas he isn't quite as sensitive up front but then holds a grudge for longer? He's probably scared that you're ultra-touchy and bossy, and you're probably scared that he's insensitive and unable to deal with a little turbulance. These are things you need to learn about each other so that you can be happy in the long run. It will take time and trial and error. Hang in there and try not to escalate this beyond what is reasonable. He'll get back in touch with you soon and you'll work it out. Good luck!

[MeekOne]

Welcome to eNotAlone.

 

Well, I do think you over-reacted. The blonde thing was a weak joke for which he apologised but then you wanted to still make a big deal out of it.

 

Since he didn't want to do that you then brooded and thought up another argument to have with him and told him how he is to spend his time. It seems when you did that you also humiliated him in front of your daughter.

 

This may be a product of moving way too fast - or it may be that there are underlying issues.

 

But from what you have posted - I would say you are in the wrong and you have definitely caused him to have serious doubts.

 

I think you need to have a serious talk about how you both manage this relationship.

Thanks for the welcome and the honesty.

 

You've got something there, and I told him I am sorry, cause I am. How do you suggest we talk about managing this relationship?

 

I don't want to lose him...and I really do love him. I know I over-reacted and shouldn't have been upset in front of my daughter, but I didn't know how else to deal with the situation. Thanks again.

[MeekOne]

Wow, you hit the nail right on the head there. I am going to give him time today to come back on his own. What do you suggest I say in this discussion...I'm at a loss...everything I say right now upsets him. You're right, its not unreasonable to wait for marriage and see how we deal with conflict. He is scared that I'm ultra-touchy and bossy...and I have had issues with his insensativity and wanting to run the second things get a little hard. I hope we work it out. Thanks so much for your sage advice.

[DN]

Well, the first thing is that you don't really know each other very well so you need to practice talking with each other (and listening to each other) - not about relationship issues but about your views on life in general, keeping it light most of the time but also touching on more serious things. Do this over drinks, coffee, dinner, or just out on a date together. When you are relaxed.

 

Once you are more comfortable talking then figure out how to resolve conflicts.

For instance: take the blonde joke. If something like that upsets you don't look at the worse case scenario that he was deliberately insulting you but as a lame joke. Then you can say "Hey, Sparky, that was a little hurtful because (and then tell him why it as hurtful". Don't do this in an accusatory way but to explain why you felt hurt.

 

If you think he is spending too much time on video games then suggest an alternative activity that you can do together - and make sure it is something you know both of you will enjoy.

[MeekOne]

Great advice, and I'm going to try this way....I hope it works out. Thanks a lot.

[keenan]

What do you suggest I say in this discussion...I'm at a loss...everything I say right now upsets him. You're right, its not unreasonable to wait for marriage and see how we deal with conflict. He is scared that I'm ultra-touchy and bossy...and I have had issues with his insensativity and wanting to run the second things get a little hard. I hope we work it out. Thanks so much for your sage advice.

 

I think that you just said it yourself. Maybe outline what you see as your different styles and agree that the two of you need to find a way to respect each other and be good to one another in spite of those differences.

 

Apologize for your part in this and tell him that you want to be better about not being so sensitive or controlling. Tell him that you know it was disrespectful to yell at him in front of your daughter.

 

Ask him to help you be better. Tell him that one way that it could be easier for you is if he is willing to be a little softer with you. You love him and respect him, and because of this his words have a lot of power for you--the idea that he would make fun of you, especially in pubic--makes you feel sad and embarrassed. Say that you want to feel that he loves and respects you and will stand up for you in public, defend you in front of others rather than cut you down, and stand by you when things get tough.

 

Basically, affirm his manhood by emphasizing that you respect and love him, and then appeal to it by asking him to cherish and respect and love you, as well. You know...basic marriage vows stuff.

 

Good luck, hon!

[Karmageddon]

Everything has been so rushed. Why the big hurry? The reality is you guys hardly even know each other & there are going to be bigger bumps than this down the road. Two months in is where you are all still discovering things about each other usually while dating not typically making wedding plans. Why not take some getting to know you time first before stampeding to the alter? What is a few months or a year now in comparison to the rest of your life??

[Catdancer]

My bf and I are like you guys. I'm ultra touchy, he's more laid back. I saw him as insensitive, he saw me as moody. We clashed ALOT until we actually talked about it. Now we're at least aware of how each other is and we deal with it accordingly. If I feel like he's not being sensitive to me, I tell him. Although lately he's been very very sensitive and in tune with me. I do fly off the handle at times and he's gotten great at stopping me. Humor and just making me feel like an idiot for some of the things that I say does it! LOL I tend to build stuff up in my head and make a big deal of it in my head. Then by the time, I let it fly at him, I've got a really good mad worked up! It makes no freakin sense, but that's me. I'm working on it. At least we can both identify when we feel like the other is out of sync with us.

 

It can be worked out if you both are willing to talk, communicate, LISTEN to each other and really try. Good Luck...Cat

[Steve 7745]

Well... I can guarantee you will not like my advice.

 

You need to stop. Immediately. You've barely known this guy for 2 months and you're getting married? I know it sounds beautiful and you're in love, but consider the economic injuries you may suffer considering the speed of which you two are getting together. You also have a daughter, and drastic changes to life this quickly will not go over well.

 

I cannot TELL you how many hasty marriages ended in hasty divorces. Love is all about the way you treat one another, proven over a long enough period of time. Do you think that 2 months is enough time to genuinely know anything about a person?

 

How many women has he been with like this? How many divorces has he had? Things may hurt now emotionally, but they'll hurt even worse if you're wounded financially and with your family.

 

Sometimes, good intentions aren't enough.

[MeekOne]

I think that you just said it yourself. Maybe outline what you see as your different styles and agree that the two of you need to find a way to respect each other and be good to one another in spite of those differences.

You are not going to believe this, but I just got off the phone with him and he has made a list of the 6 things that I do that bother him. I guess it will be good to get it out in the open. Should I start a list too?

 

Apologize for your part in this and tell him that you want to be better about not being so sensitive or controlling. Tell him that you know it was disrespectful to yell at him in front of your daughter.

I just did this and he seems to be responding to my sincere apologies. I know I was wrong in what I did.

 

Ask him to help you be better. Tell him that one way that it could be easier for you is if he is willing to be a little softer with you. You love him and respect him, and because of this his words have a lot of power for you--the idea that he would make fun of you, especially in pubic--makes you feel sad and embarrassed. Say that you want to feel that he loves and respects you and will stand up for you in public, defend you in front of others rather than cut you down, and stand by you when things get tough.

 

Basically, affirm his manhood by emphasizing that you respect and love him, and then appeal to it by asking him to cherish and respect and love you, as well. You know...basic marriage vows stuff.

 

Good luck, hon!

Oh, this is like the ultimate advice, and I can't thank you enough for it....I totally feel this way too. Hopefully, he will understand what he needs to do too. I just love him so much, its really crazy. I've never loved like this before. How can I be so touchy and controlling if I love him so much? I know I need to fix that about me.

 

Everything has been so rushed. Why the big hurry? The reality is you guys hardly even know each other & there are going to be bigger bumps than this down the road. Two months in is where you are all still discovering things about each other usually while dating not typically making wedding plans. Why not take some getting to know you time first before stampeding to the alter? What is a few months or a year now in comparison to the rest of your life??

I think you have something there too, but I feel like life is too short to just play house for too long. I want us to commit to each other...and in November (the date he chose, we would know each other for 5 months)...his parents got married after 18 days! and they are still together...sometimes unhappy, but still together after 40 years.

 

My bf and I are like you guys. I'm ultra touchy, he's more laid back. I saw him as insensitive, he saw me as moody. We clashed ALOT until we actually talked about it. Now we're at least aware of how each other is and we deal with it accordingly. If I feel like he's not being sensitive to me, I tell him. Although lately he's been very very sensitive and in tune with me. I do fly off the handle at times and he's gotten great at stopping me. Humor and just making me feel like an idiot for some of the things that I say does it! LOL I tend to build stuff up in my head and make a big deal of it in my head. Then by the time, I let it fly at him, I've got a really good mad worked up! It makes no freakin sense, but that's me. I'm working on it. At least we can both identify when we feel like the other is out of sync with us.

 

It can be worked out if you both are willing to talk, communicate, LISTEN to each other and really try. Good Luck...Cat

Wow, we sound just like you guys! I'm glad to know we are not alone. I'm going to work on it too. Thanks for the insight.

 

Well... I can guarantee you will not like my advice.

 

You need to stop. Immediately. You've barely known this guy for 2 months and you're getting married? I know it sounds beautiful and you're in love, but consider the economic injuries you may suffer considering the speed of which you two are getting together. You also have a daughter, and drastic changes to life this quickly will not go over well.

 

I cannot TELL you how many hasty marriages ended in hasty divorces. Love is all about the way you treat one another, proven over a long enough period of time. Do you think that 2 months is enough time to genuinely know anything about a person?

 

How many women has he been with like this? How many divorces has he had? Things may hurt now emotionally, but they'll hurt even worse if you're wounded financially and with your family.

 

Sometimes, good intentions aren't enough.

We have no real economic issues, we have enough money. You do have a point about the 2 months thing, but the love is what is the driving factor here, and life is so short, I don't want to miss out on being married to him because we waited for it to be perfect. It will never be perfect...he's a little gun shy....this would be his 3rd marriage...4th if you count common law marriages. You are right about my daughter though....last thing I want to do is see her hurt by anyone...that is why I never brought anyone around who I was just dating. This is the first man in years...about 6 that she's met and I've been serious with...and having relations with too....so it kind of just went really fast because of that...I've been waiting a long time for him. I prayed for him and God answered.

 

I'm thinking I really need to stop talking about the marriage thing for at least a week. Next weekend we have a pre-marital seminar that lasts the whole weekend at church...maybe things will come together better then.

 

Thanks so much for all of your advice...I'm so so so glad I found this place today...at least I could get it out and speak to some real people. I can't thank ya'll enough for that.

[Steve 7745]

You said he put his paycheck in your account...?

 

... If I were you, I would investigate a little bit of the financial divisions that go on behind divorce before you run and jump on that. Like, immediately.

[MeekOne]

You said he put his paycheck in your account...?

 

... If I were you, I would investigate a little bit of the financial divisions that go on behind divorce before you run and jump on that. Like, immediately.

Can you please give me a little hint at to what you mean? I'd appreciate it. I'm not too good at investigating stuff. Thanks.

[keenan]

You are not going to believe this, but I just got off the phone with him and he has made a list of the 6 things that I do that bother him. I guess it will be good to get it out in the open. Should I start a list too?

 

 

You probably don't want to go out of your way to write down all the things you don't like about him. I'd just have a mental picture of ways in which the two of you are different--not that one way is right and one way wrong--just different, resulting in the need for you to work together to find common ground. See if he agrees with your general assessment. Listen to what he has to say. The list (whether on paper or in your head) is just a way of knowing what you want to talk about before you go into the conversation...a way of staying on track so that the conversation doesn't derail into a long, miserable blame-game about unrelated stuff. Be honest but tactful, and keep it friendly and loving when at all possible.

[Steve 7745]

First, what state do you live in?

[MeekOne]

You probably don't want to go out of your way to write down all the things you don't like about him. I'd just have a mental picture of ways in which the two of you are different--not that one way is right and one way wrong--just different, resulting in the need for you to work together to find common ground. See if he agrees with your general assessment. Listen to what he has to say. The list (whether on paper or in your head) is just a way of knowing what you want to talk about before you go into the conversation...a way of staying on track so that the conversation doesn't derail into a long, miserable blame-game about unrelated stuff. Be honest but tactful, and keep it friendly and loving when at all possible.

I'm going to remember this in the back of my head...above all....friendly and loving...I don't want to upset him again.

 

First, what state do you live in?

Orlando, Florida

[Steve 7745]

First thing is first: link removed

 

I would highly recommend you get a fast background check just to be sure.

 

Second, link removed.. and I quote here:

 

"Alimony is also sometimes called spousal support. It's designed to provide the lower-income spouse with money for living expenses over and above the money provided by child support. Alimony is different from child support. Where child support is a simple mathematical calculation using guidelines published by your state, alimony is very much in the discretion of the judge. "

 

If he's making less then you, you're going to take a hit. And I'd be concerned if he had no qualms with putting his paycheck in YOUR account, because I question the state of his own. I'm sorry, but anyone who has been divorced 4 times and is getting ready to be married for the 5th is cause for some alarm.

[Karmageddon]

You do have a point about the 2 months thing, but the love is what is the driving factor here, and life is so short, I don't want to miss out on being married to him because we waited for it to be perfect. It will never be perfect...he's a little gun shy....this would be his 3rd marriage...4th if you count common law marriages. You are right about my daughter though....last thing I want to do is see her hurt by anyone...that is why I never brought anyone around who I was just dating. This is the first man in years...about 6 that she's met and I've been serious with...and having relations with too....so it kind of just went really fast because of that...I've been waiting a long time for him. I prayed for him and God answered.

 

I'm thinking I really need to stop talking about the marriage thing for at least a week. Next weekend we have a pre-marital seminar that lasts the whole weekend at church...maybe things will come together better then.

 

QUOTE]

 

Sweetie, please listen to yourself here. I am going to do something here that I don't normally do, which is beg you to live in separate residences for a year & see how it goes. Most people are madly in love 2 months in. 12 months out of your "perfect life of foreverness together" is nothing & will go a long way in making sure you do not break your childs heart in this as well. God may not have sent you your prayers, he may have sent you a lesson & I hope you get what you want, but also don't blame God if for some reason it doesn't work out.

 

I am a little curious to know how your pastor feels about the cohabitation & I am assuming pre-marital sex.

[MeekOne]

First thing is first: link removed

 

I would highly recommend you get a fast background check just to be sure.

 

Second, link removed.. and I quote here:

 

"Alimony is also sometimes called spousal support. It's designed to provide the lower-income spouse with money for living expenses over and above the money provided by child support. Alimony is different from child support. Where child support is a simple mathematical calculation using guidelines published by your state, alimony is very much in the discretion of the judge. "

 

If he's making less then you, you're going to take a hit. And I'd be concerned if he had no qualms with putting his paycheck in YOUR account, because I question the state of his own. I'm sorry, but anyone who has been divorced 4 times and is getting ready to be married for the 5th is cause for some alarm.

This is sage advice, and I really do appreciate it. I've had a background check done on him and he has had some problems with the law, but its nothing I am worried about. He's done some things in his past that he is not proud of and he has learned from them. He even came out with telling me about those things after I had already known them from the background check. You know...you may have something there about the alimony...I do make more money than he does but only by several thousand a year. I thank you for reminding me about this stuff too....its really good to keep this in the back of my head...it will help me to be stronger if he does wind up leaving me at some point before we get married......off the subject....I know...I sound like a blonde now....I can say that though...its about myself...but for him to say it...it just rubbed me the wrong way...even the cashier said "that was just wrong to say."

 

Sweetie, please listen to yourself here. I am going to do something here that I don't normally do, which is beg you to live in separate residences for a year & see how it goes. Most people are madly in love 2 months in. 12 months out of your "perfect life of foreverness together" is nothing & will go a long way in making sure you do not break your childs heart in this as well. God may not have sent you your prayers, he may have sent you a lesson & I hope you get what you want, but also don't blame God if for some reason it doesn't work out.

If he winds up moving out at some point, then your advice will not be bad at all....I'm going to keep your thoughts in the back of my mind for strength when and if I need it. Thanks very much for that.

 

I am a little curious to know how your pastor feels about the cohabitation & I am assuming pre-marital sex.

My pastor doesn't know yet, but if he did, he would give us the same advice you just did. We're going to that seminar this coming weekend, and I'm sure they will have the same advice to give us...I just want to be with him because I love him so much...love is godly isn't it? How can love be wrong in the eyes of God?

[keenan]

I know...I sound like a blonde now....

 

Hey, watch it!

[MeekOne]

I cannot TELL you how many hasty marriages ended in hasty divorces. Love is all about the way you treat one another, proven over a long enough period of time. Do you think that 2 months is enough time to genuinely know anything about a person?

Quoted again so I can remember this great advice. Thanks to all of ya'll today. I'll check back again soon to hear what else you may have to say, and give ya'll an update. Have a great weekend and thanks for this place.

[MeekOne]

Hey, watch it!

Hahaha!! (((hug)))

[Karmageddon]

My pastor doesn't know yet, but if he did, he would give us the same advice you just did. We're going to that seminar this coming weekend, and I'm sure they will have the same advice to give us...I just want to be with him because I love him so much...love is godly isn't it? How can love be wrong in the eyes of God?

 

Ok, I am going to preface this by saying I am NOT taking a poke at you. But your faith (taking a big leap here i.e. the church weekend) more than likely has laid down the edicts as far as how you are to behave pre-maritally. If this is the God you have given your love, life and devotion to, why is it so hard to do as he asks? If this man is the right one, he will be there. And your right, love is godly but sometimes sex & other things cloud the issues.

[MeekOne]

Well, we made up, and I'm so glad too. He's moved in and we're talking about marriage again. He wants to wait until March 2009, and I'm okay with that if it makes him more comfortable. He's a really good man, and I'm really happy to be with him. Thanks for getting me through that rough spot ya'll. Thanks, really.