what is wrong with me

[RLW]

Hi, I need some insight on my situation. I am 20, a virgin, and women pretty much see right through me. I always end up being just friends, 'cept the one relationship i was in. Lasted about 16 months, but that ended when i realized that she didn't see me romantically anways, so i was just a friend even to her.

 

People tell me i am a pretty good looking guy, sometimes i believe them. what i mean by that is every once in a while i will look in the mirror and see a good looking guy, but most of the time i just see this ugly person.

 

Just the thought of talking to a woman is enough to stop my heart. I mean, every now and then i will meet a woman and somehow i will get the balls to talk to her and persue her, and sometimes she will act interested, for like a friggin week. Then, nothing. This happens everytime. To be quite honest, i'm sick of it.

 

I've talked to my closest friends about this, but their answers are pretty much the same; "She's out there! keep yer head up buddy!", there is a problem with this though, its not as if i go through an elaborate courtship with a woman and THEN i'm written off as a d-bag, (cept the one, but that really was more of a fluke) apparently this conclusion is drawn after about 5 minutes of knowing me. i'm just sick and damn tired of rejection.

 

One friend on the other hand wasn't afraid to speak what seems like the truth. she said some people might just be destined to be alone, and that for as long as she had known me i was always bitter and jaded, and perhaps i should embrace it. Didn't cast the cheeriest of visions, but at least she didn't patronize me.

 

i guess what i'm asking is, what the hell is my problem? i've seriously given alot of thought to just becoming an outlaw trucker or somthing where i would be lonely anyway. the first third of my trailer load will be crack cocaine, and the rest soap, or something like that.

[SilentDreams]

Welcome to my world. I am 22, a virgin, and while I can attract women, it doesn't take long before I am written off either. I've had one successful relationship, only to have it end in her cheating on me.

 

I actually think I am a decently attractive guy (not trying to toot my own horn here), and occasionally I'll get complements that confirm that belief, but I still do not get past the first or second date. Girls do the same thing to me. They act interested, and then they walk.

 

At least your friends don't try to change you. Mine tell me I need to change this and that, but in doing so I just lose myself and become fake. I've tried it in the past, and I just felt so fake.

 

Anyways, I feel your pain, and I too would love to know what is wrong with me.

[big greg]

Eeeast bound and down, loaded up and truckin... we're gonna do what they say can't be done!

 

You just need to do your thing, and you will eventually meet someone along that path. I felt like you do for so long, but I'm just doin' my thang now and whatever happens happens and if nothing happens then it doesn't. You're only 20 man, don't give up yet..

[SupaflyTNT]

I read posts like this and I try to reply to them with constructive criticism but the real problem here is that you think you need to change yourself for women to be attracted to you. How is it you pursue a woman that you are attracted to? Do you call her constantly? Do you agree with everything she says? Do you think about her all the time?

 

I have the feeling that these are the kinds of things you might be doing or thinking when you find someone you're attracted to. You have to realize that by doing these things you're already changing who you really are. You're being someone fake by changing your personality to try and attract this woman and women see through this.

 

Of course, I could be completely wrong about you but I thought I might point this out because it seems like a lot of guys overlook this concept. Speak your mind, don't be afraid to be yourself. If some girl doesn't like it then tell her to get lost (uh, not in a mean way but you get the idea) and move on to the next one, no worries. Get past the defeatist attitude and get it straight in your head that you're going to make some changes starting right now...and do it.

 

Hope this helps a little bit, I know it's difficult when things aren't going the way you'd like them to. Personally, when I was having a problem meeting women I made it a point to hang out with some guys that were really skilled when conversing with them. I learned a TON from doing that, I highly suggest it. It helped me out tremendously.

[greensleeves]

I wouldn't listen to your friend...sounds like bad advice to me. You're so young...don't become bitter and jaded til you're at least 40!

 

Look, just be yourself. Some girl is going to "get" you at some point and it'll just feel right for both of you. In the meantime, try to go on some dates and have a bit of fun. Not everything has to lead to a full blown relationship.

[hmm1]

Your friend was right, some people are unfortunately destined to be alone.

[solacean]

Your friend was right, some people are unfortunately destined to be alone.

 

Based upon personal experience, I have to agree. However, I don't think that anyone can arrive at such a conclusion at the tender age of 20, when your best years are almost certainly still ahead of you. Now, if you've doubled that figure and are still alone, then maybe it will be time to embrace it. But not at 20!

[greensleeves]

Based upon personal experience, I have to agree. However, I don't think that anyone can arrive at such a conclusion at the tender age of 20, when your best years are almost certainly still ahead of you. Now, if you've doubled that figure and are still alone, then maybe it will be time to embrace it. But not at 20!

 

I totally agree with this post. At twenty, you have alot of growing and learning to do, I don't believe your personality is even fully developed at that age. It's definitely way too young to give up on finding someone special. I don't think anyone should ever give up on the possibility of finding love

[robinhood]

What?! Nobody is destined to be alone.

 

Rather than blame your looks, search deeper. Are you doing something wrong in the first few dates? Are you being too enthusiastic? Remember, delaying gratitude is of great survival value in this world.

 

You may be average looking but from the replies I got from my previous posts, girls say that the guys with the most girls are the average looking ones. Be confident, don't be too keen at first.

 

A good trick is when you date a girl for the first time, expect to not get a second one. Although it is not good to play games, sometimes I find it is necessary. Play hard to get

[RLW]

What?! Nobody is destined to be alone.

 

Rather than blame your looks, search deeper. Are you doing something wrong in the first few dates? Are you being too enthusiastic? Remember, delaying gratitude is of great survival value in this world.

 

You may be average looking but from the replies I got from my previous posts, girls say that the guys with the most girls are the average looking ones. Be confident, don't be too keen at first.

 

A good trick is when you date a girl for the first time, expect to not get a second one. Although it is not good to play games, sometimes I find it is necessary. Play hard to get

 

what if i cant get a date to begin with?

[greensleeves]

what if i cant get a date to begin with?

 

Have you ever thought of trying online dating? There are plenty of really nice women out there who are smart enough to know that beauty is only skin deep and who might possibly find you very attractive.

[RLW]

What?! Nobody is destined to be alone.

 

Rather than blame your looks, search deeper. Are you doing something wrong in the first few dates? Are you being too enthusiastic? Remember, delaying gratitude is of great survival value in this world.

 

You may be average looking but from the replies I got from my previous posts, girls say that the guys with the most girls are the average looking ones. Be confident, don't be too keen at first.

 

A good trick is when you date a girl for the first time, expect to not get a second one. Although it is not good to play games, sometimes I find it is necessary. Play hard to get

 

Have you ever thought of trying online dating? There are plenty of really nice women out there who are smart enough to know that beauty is only skin deep and who might possibly find you very attractive.

 

so is it my looks that is the problem here, please be honest.

[thejigsup]

True change comes from within. You can't fake it, it has to be sincere. Don't act fake, just make any change a real part of who you are. When you get older you realize that we change many times during our lives. It's called maturing.

[greensleeves]

so is it my looks that is the problem here, please be honest.

 

I have no idea what you look like, but I would never judge someone on what they look like! What one person might find physically attractive might not be to someone else and visaversa. I'll take a great sense of humour over perfect cheekbones any day. I've meant many men who might be considered handsome in the classic sense, but to me they were ugly on the inside...that's where it matters. And I've been physically attracted to men who others might not see as "handsome", but to me they were the most beautiful people on the planet (at the time).

[RLW]

I have no idea what you look like, but I would never judge someone on what they look like! What one person might find physically attractive might not be to someone else and visaversa. I'll take a great sense of humour over perfect cheekbones any day. I've meant many men who might be considered handsome in the classic sense, but to me they were ugly on the inside...that's where it matters. And I've been physically attracted to men who others might not see as "handsome", but to me they were the most beautiful people on the planet (at the time).

 

just that the way it was worded made it sound like an implication, thats all.

[greensleeves]

just that the way it was worded made it sound like an implication, thats all.

 

Oh God no! I'm so sorry if that's how it sounded....there wasn't a picture even posted of you at the time. Is that you in your new avi? OMG...how can you see an ugly person when you look in the mirror? You are super cute

[DakotaSkye]

Ok, so let me first say, you are an attractive man. So I really doubt that that's the issue here. My boyfriend was a virgin until he was a sophomore in college and I think he's INCREDIBLY attractive.

 

My first instinct would be that you haven't met enough women, or even enough of a variety of women. But it's possible that there's something that all women detect that might turn them off. I would have no idea what that would be, or even if there is anything at all, but I know that there are several things that turn me off when I first meet a guy. Cockiness, for example. I can't STAND when a guy thinks he's hot stuff. Confidence is one thing, but when a guy can only concentrate on himself and how great he thinks he is, that's a major turnoff. Immaturity is another turn off. A guy needs to be able to act his age and be able to talk about serious topics.

 

There are several things that could be turning women away, and being "bitter and jaded" could definitely contribute. People who are bitter are also generally downers. I'm not saying you should hide that, but just know that when you first meet someone, that's not something you need to immediately disclose. Because they don't know you, they'll assume that you're just a general downer. If they get to know you and then you express opinions that may seem bitter, it's more likely she'll understand the reason why. Does that make sense? She'll know you better and will thereforee know where you're coming from and why you think that.

 

People aren't supposed to be alone. We, as a species, are social animals. Our relationships validate us and give us meaning. I'm a loner, I always have been, but that doesn't mean I don't gain a deeper sense of satisfaction when I'm with those I have a good relationship with. Keep tryin'.

[RLW]

Well I'm definitely not cocky, but i'm not very confident either, until i've maybe known the person for a while. But thats only after i've long been zoned, and i realize it doesnt matter what i do. Yes I can be immature at times, but i can also have a serious discussion about a serious topic, just depends who i'm around. as for being bitter i generally hide it pretty well unless i'm around people i know very well. honestly though, i've given thought to the idea of there might be just something about my personality, not positive, or negative, that women just don't like. i don't know.

[DakotaSkye]

Well I'm definitely not cocky, but i'm not very confident either, until i've maybe known the person for a while. But thats only after i've long been zoned, and i realize it doesnt matter what i do. Yes I can be immature at times, but i can also have a serious discussion about a serious topic, just depends who i'm around. as for being bitter i generally hide it pretty well unless i'm around people i know very well. honestly though, i've given thought to the idea of there might be just something about my personality, not positive, or negative, that women just don't like. i don't know.

 

If it's just an aspect of your personality, then don't worry about it. While there are some things that most women don't like, there's a person for every personality. What I mean to say is, for example, immaturity isn't a personality trait. It's a habit or a phase and thereforee can be a turn off. A personality trait, such as an outgoing nature, is something that you can't, and shouldn't, try to change. Even if some women don't appreciate it, there are definitely women who do. There will be some woman, somewhere that will appreciate any and all of your traits. Sorry I can't be of more help or deliver immediate results. It just takes time and the right person.

[RLW]

If it's just an aspect of your personality, then don't worry about it. While there are some things that most women don't like, there's a person for every personality. What I mean to say is, for example, immaturity isn't a personality trait. It's a habit or a phase and thereforee can be a turn off. A personality trait, such as an outgoing nature, is something that you can't, and shouldn't, try to change. Even if some women don't appreciate it, there are definitely women who do. There will be some woman, somewhere that will appreciate any and all of your traits. Sorry I can't be of more help or deliver immediate results. It just takes time and the right person.

 

I understand what you mean, but i just thought i might have found a person like that by now. maybe she might not have thought i was perfect, and even if said person liked everything about me, it still might not work out. i dunno. guess theres only one thing left to do. PUT THAT HAMMER DOWN! THIS IS BANDIT, OUT!

[DakotaSkye]

I understand what you mean, but i just thought i might have found a person like that by now. maybe she might not have thought i was perfect, and even if said person liked everything about me, it still might not work out. i dunno. guess theres only one thing left to do. PUT THAT HAMMER DOWN! THIS IS BANDIT, OUT!

 

Yeah, it may not work out. But you'll never know until it happens. Find joy in everything else. You have friends, you have hobbies, you have all the other aspects of your life to look forward to! Girlfriends can hold you back, calm you down, restrict you from all those fun things we 20-somethings love to do. I'm just saying there's definitely more to life than being with someone. If it's meant to happen, it will. But don't rush it and don't lose hope.

 

Just don't go truckin' yet, Bandit.

 

I want to see that movie now...mmm...Burt Reynolds...

[big greg]

he's got the petal to the metal and the thing to the floor!

[FountainFairfax]

Hmm... I didn't read all the posts, but it seems to me that you already have 2 things women find alluring.

 

First, you're good-looking, second, you have a dangerous side.

 

The fact that you're contemplating an outlaw lifestyle is a big plus for you, USE THAT. I don't mean go around telling girls your future employment plans, but carry that criminal aura around with you.

 

Walk with it, know that you're forbidden and rare. When you spot a girl that you find attractive, be polite, and start asking her about her likes, dislikes, and hobbies, but don't worry so much about whether or not SHE likes YOU.

 

Interview these girls, see if YOU like THEM. You should have in mind the things you're looking for, and also the things you just absolutely can't stand.

 

See if she measures up, if not, continue interviewing other potential girlfriends until you find someone you can work with.

 

Dude, your problems are all in your head. Have fun and interview away.

[My Advice]

Alright

 

1. Don't believe anyone who says some people are destined to be alone. That's untrue.

 

2. Don't believe anyone when they say she will come, don't worry. You can get women that you desire alot, but you DO have to change your behavior, not your personality, but you need to change those thoughts and actions that make you express self-loathing.

 

3. presuming that picture is you, you are a good looking guy. Honestly. In fact, people who are ugly getting hot girls, I have seen it. So why isn't it happening to a good looking guy like you? Because your opinion of yourself is negative. Undoubtably because when you were younger you were made to feel ugly. Hell, you probably have your picture up because this is a safe place to get validation for it, nothing wrong with that.

 

Things you probably need to change.

 

1. Everyday you need to take yourself out of your comfort zone. Feel ackward and uncomfortable. Try to act confident but be prepared that rejection will occur, but the success you will eventually have will make you rejected less and get you girls you want. Not every girl. But alot of them, probably more than you ever dreamed.

 

1. When you see a girl that you are attracted to, find a reason to talk to her. Any reason. If she shoots you down, remember that is just another rejection away from becoming who you want to be. A confident happier guy who gets girls you are attracted to.

 

2. Show confidence. Smile and make eye contact. Talk about whatever you want. Smiling makes people feel good about themselves and it expresses self-worth.

 

3. Don't be too nice. And by that I mean don't be submissive. Be friendly. Be polite. But disagree with them. If they are histironic or rude when you disagree with them or express different interests, don't bother with them and walk away. You are more valuable than that. Unless religion or having the same politics is important to you, I might avoid that at first. If she wants to make plans with you, don't sacrifice things you need to do. It makes you look desperate. have a schedule and a focus. Act busy. Don't call too much. Wait at least a day to call 'sometimes', esp in the first time you get her number.

 

4. If they don't wanna talk, respect that.

 

5. Practice your voice. Don't be cheesy but find a pitch that sounds confident and use it.

 

6. Try to be funny if you are.

 

7. Show you are interested right away by flirting. Look for signs and not just one. Playing with their hair. Smiling alot. Laughing at your jokes. Touching accidentially or intentionally. Leaning towards you. These are usually signs however don't invest in her until you know she is interested in you and avoid investing too much until you are a pair. If you don't show interest soon enough you risk the friends zone.

 

8. Let them know you are interested early on and once you have been around them a few times try the kiss test. Touch her with interest but don't do it in sexual pervy places (breasts, ass, crotch). If she rejects you, give up and try someone else.

 

9. Never focus on just one girl. Don't be a player but be expressing interest in alot of girls at once. When a girl knows you are only into you it makes her less likely to be competitive. You also usually get stuck in the friends zone.

 

10. Don't be afraid to walk away. It shows you care and respect yourself. There are always other girls out there.

 

12. Don't think the girl is nasty just because she isn't interested. Its petty and demonstrates insecurity and narcassim.

 

13. If you get stuck in the friends zone it is very difficult to get out of. However it can happen, IF there is chemistry. Women don't always reject men they have chemistry with. Sometime you have been too nice, too interested, or it is just a case of bad timing (getting out of a relationship or they have a bf).

 

You can either

 

a) Give up and be happy with just being her friend. Don't be her friend. Or if you think there might be chemistry but you didn't show game, and that she is really worth it, put distance between her and stop showing you care too much. Stay away and come back down the line or don't answer her back very often. If you are absent for a while and she is single when you reenter her life then when you come back, be less available this time, not submissive, and make it obvious you can live without her. people often want what they can't have. People like what is a challenge. That is no gurantee that this will work but if she does find you attractive then it mathmatically increases the odds alot in your favor. If there is chemistry she will start to miss you, rethink her position, and see you in a new light. Don't tell her how you feel the next time but show her you are still attracted to her if you think she might be more into you now. However don't lie, don't put her down, and don't be a jerk.

 

Remember, you can't just expect them to fall into your lap, that by some miracle they will just come. Show interest and be proactive but let them invest in you before you invest more in them.

Everbody says just be yourself but nobody successful is game free. You can be yourself and be a little bit challenging. Not some poor sap who she "just wants to be friends with."

 

No matter how many times you mess up, no matter how uncomfortable you get, self-improvement leads to more success. You aren't sleezy for wanting sex and a girlfriend. They want it too (if they are healthy). You aren't perfect and that's okay cuz nobody else is either. Being rejected means you are on your way to getting what you want. It also means you are trying. And it says nothing about you personally. Know your worth.