HElp- i love my guy but he smokes pot

[junebirthday]

I have had a very unhealthy life with fathers and grandfathers being drug and alcohol addicts so any direct or indirect contact I have with it, it triggers HORRIBLE feelings of betrayal and pain. My previous bf smoked and I left him because of it and because of the effect it had on other parts of our relationship.

 

When i met this new guy, he said he would never choose drugs over me and never wanted to hurt me in that way. He said he was quitting too- as he has a past of smoking. A few months later, he worked it back into his life and I ACCEPTED it as long as it had no direct consequence on me. That lasted a couple months...but now, if I find out he's been up to doing that stuff, I suffer enormously. I withdrawal and i simply want to run away.

 

He is apparently not addicted to it. He could "take it or leave it." It's an occasional thing he does to relax (maybe once or twice a month-- i'm not sure about frequency). And i know my perspective is not laid back and "normal." Heck, I will have wine or beer sometimes and get tipsy. I have no problem with alcohol or drugs. So why can't i just let him have his *fun* when it doesn't involve me?

 

I don't get it. Should i end this relationship (and stick to my hardcore values) or lighten up and stop being such a whimp?

 

Please help!

 

Thanks

[lostnva]

Leave now....go read my post under I feel like I could die....in getting back together...I dont know how to post the link..lol. But go read it and come back. It will ruin you, and your relationship!

[Scootchy]

Look at it in retrospect.

 

Does it bother you? Why?

 

Is he behaving inappropriately because of it?

 

I personally don't think there is anything wrong with a bit of relaxation, everybody has their own personal method of meditation to unwind.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

if that is your feeling and your belief... then you have to stay true to yourself or you will always feel like you are giving too much and excusing too much - you will become very resentful of him.

 

Some people never give up weed... and i have found that those who smoke weed - its more then just smoking- there is a lifestyle that goes along with it.

[agent1607307371]

And i know my perspective is not laid back and "normal." Heck, I will have wine or beer sometimes and get tipsy. I have no problem with alcohol or drugs.

 

But you obviously do. And if it makes you uncomfortable, end it.

[lostnva]

Some people never give up weed... and i have found that those who smoke weed - its more then just smoking- there is a lifestyle that goes along with it.

 

 

Well put....so true, I WILL NEVER AS MUCH AS I LOVE HIM.....Be with him until he is clean and sober.

 

I dont think in my case he wants help, and its sad because he is a wonderful man and we could have so much if it wasnt for this hold him!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Well, if he could take it or leave it, and he's in a relationship and it upsets you so much, why isn't he leaving it?

 

I know that if i was with someone who had issues with alcohol, i would stop drinking, and feel no great loss from it since it is just a small social pleasure and no big deal.

 

If he wants a relaxing hobby, there are other hobbies that are relaxing he can do.

 

So he is making a choice to continue to do something that is illegal and very upsettng to you. He has made his choice that smoking is more important than you being upset.

 

So you have to make your choice now. You either need to consciously decide it is acceptable to you that he smokes, or you need to leave and find someone that is not a pot smoker.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

Some people never give up weed... and i have found that those who smoke weed - its more then just smoking- there is a lifestyle that goes along with it.

 

 

Well put....so true, I WILL NEVER AS MUCH AS I LOVE HIM.....Be with him until he is clean and sober.

 

I dont think in my case he wants help, and its sad because he is a wonderful man and we could have so much if it wasnt for this hold him!

 

hes not going to give it up and its going to be a huge source of contention between the both of you.

 

let me guess 90% of his friends smoke as well?

[junebirthday]

Thanks everyone. I have a lot to think about. But just an FYI: his personality doesn't change-- (at least i don't think so) and i have NEVER in almost 6 months EVER seen him stoned or drunk. Most importantly, it's not so one-dimensional. He's a very good-hearted person, treats me well, loves me etc. But i DO believe there is an immaturity to him that he is unwilling to let go of. He seems committed, tells me he is committed, but then retreats when we become more intimate, has stopped telling me how beautiful i am, smokes, and doesn't talk about the future unless his about HIS future plans.

 

i definitely think that a strong woman, despite being in love, would need, at this point, to tell her bf how she feels and tell him it's time to make some *choices.* I do not want to leave him. We are so very close and talk of always being together...But you're right. I am hurting. And unfortunately for him, he has fallen in love with a girl who can't deal with pot.

[bijoux27]

Some people never give up weed... and i have found that those who smoke weed - its more then just smoking- there is a lifestyle that goes along with it.

 

So true. But there are people who will quit & not let it be a part of their life.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

then don't give it up .. maybe you can make some compromises..

 

being a former pot head- i can tell you that his personality doesn't change when he smokes.. and it doesn't make you do things that you normally wouldn't do ..it mostly just relaxes you- i also became very detail oriented - whether it was a conversation, watching a movie, playing a game or working on a project- i got very focused on what i was doing- i used to love to smoke and go for a hike or a walk with my ipod ... some of my best memories are when i would smoke.

 

would i do it again? absolutely ..but not to the extent that i have in the past.

 

now... the thing that stands out to me is what it triggers in YOU- and maybe you need to figure out how to deal with those triggers from your past... - i'm not saying that smoking weed is a wonderful thing and you need to adjust... what i'm saying is that you obviously have unresolved issues from your past... that you most definitely have to deal with.

[junebirthday]

now... the thing that stands out to me is what it triggers in YOU- and maybe you need to figure out how to deal with those triggers from your past... - i'm not saying that smoking weed is a wonderful thing and you need to adjust... what i'm saying is that you obviously have unresolved issues from your past... that you most definitely have to deal with.

 

You are so right. At the moment he's called to tell me that he didn't feel comfortable smoking...maybe it's on its way out...and that he loves me very much. We will see.

 

I am grateful for this board.

[AtMyWitsEnd]

I would have to point out that were we all raised in Amsterdam, this conversation about marijuana would not be happening.

 

If it bothers YOU, you'll never get over it. Leave if you can't. If he can't quit and you can't get over it, there's no resolution I can see.

[junebirthday]

my man and i talked about it last night. it's resolved. he's quitting. i believe this because he only smoked occasionally anyway and he quit smoking cigarettes with me and stuck to it. i love my bf a lot and trust him and i know he loves me a lot too and will keep his word.

 

thanks to all!

 

 

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

my man and i talked about it last night. it's resolved. he's quitting. i believe this because he only smoked occasionally anyway and he quit smoking cigarettes with me and stuck to it. i love my bf a lot and trust him and i know he loves me a lot too and will keep his word.

 

thanks to all!

 

 

 

 

he's a keeper! =))