Walk away wife question

[Fireman Sam]

My wife bailed out on us 9 weeks ago after a 10yr marrage.

 

We have had very little contact since then. I don't understand how she dosn't get lonely and miss me....initiate contact with me ...even just for a chat.

 

Do women just leave their husbands and not want to contact them or miss them at all???

 

I didn't think there was another guy....but I'm beginning to wonder. I don't know what else she could be using to fill the void of my companionship.

 

Since she has already left....should I care if there is another guy involved.....or should I talk to her about this. It could just make the situation more difficult.

[Karmageddon]

I would just leave her be. In truth it does seem odd that she hasnt gotten in touch with you. But of late, I have learned to go with my gut. I wouldn't bother asking her about it since you probably won't get the truth anyway. I remember your other posts, so I know you have some issues with the house and stuff, things that you needed her input on. Did she ever get back to you on any of that??

[Zeitgeist]

My wife bailed out on us 9 weeks ago after a 10yr marrage.

 

We have had very little contact since then. I don't understand how she dosn't get lonely and miss me....initiate contact with me ...even just for a chat.

 

Do women just leave their husbands and not want to contact them or miss them at all???

 

I didn't think there was another guy....but I'm beginning to wonder. I don't know what else she could be using to fill the void of my companionship.

 

Since she has already left....should I care if there is another guy involved.....or should I talk to her about this. It could just make the situation more difficult.

No, you shouldn't talk to her. If there's a guy involved, it will hurt you. If there isn't a guy involved, you will be baffled at how she prefers being by herself to having your companionship, and it will hurt you. There's nothing good to find out here. The only thing you need to know is that she walked away, and you can't do anything about it unless she tries to walk back. Consider her lack of contact a blessing.

[Fireman Sam]

I am very baffled by this behaviour......from my wife....and everyone elses partners.

 

I don't understand how someone can just walk away from their life....their house ....their pets....their lifetime of collected treasures.....just walk away.

 

I'm actually pretty stoked with how fast I'm coming to grips with my situation. Hopefully I won't slide back anytime soon.

[John Bendix]

My wife bailed out on us 9 weeks ago after a 10yr marrage.

 

We have had very little contact since then. I don't understand how she dosn't get lonely and miss me....initiate contact with me ...even just for a chat.

 

Do women just leave their husbands and not want to contact them or miss them at all???

 

At this point I have to assume that she is emotionally hurting also, although she does not show it. In response to the pain she is feeling, she has probably "closed down". In doing so, she has built a wall (over a period of time) to protect herelf against the pain that she has inside. This will also shield her from anything, perceived by her, to be emotionally damaging from getting in.

 

The wall is a well doumented defense mechanism used by those in the throes of emotional distress. Any attempt by you (biggest emotional threat that she can percieve of) to get through will only induce her to build a bigger wall and resort to more hostility. This is dysfunctional and irrational, but sadly true.

[jasper01]

 

The wall is a well doumented defense mechanism used by those in the throes of emotional distress. Any attempt by you (biggest emotional threat that she can percieve of) to get through will only induce her to build a bigger wall and resort to more hostility. This is dysfunctional and irrational, but sadly true.

 

Hi John- Where can I get documentation on that?

[John Bendix]

Hi John- Where can I get documentation on that?

 

Any psychology book.

[Fireman Sam]

If this is the case. I don't know if a wall such as you described is easily penitrated.

How do you approach a situation like this??

[John Bendix]

IT is the most frustrating aspect that you have to deal with. Like I said, there is no way through. The more that you try, the bigger the defenses get.

Usually, the other partner is viewed as the biggest threat possible. Her guard will be up.

 

Another interesting facet is that to everyone else, the walkaway partner will appear to anyone outside of the home to be perfectly normal and reasonable. Of course they do not have to keep the wall so rigidly in place and do not feel they are fighting for their emotional life as in the war zone with their SO.

 

They feel better when they are away from their spouse. This induces them to believe they are much better off with out them. "Everything" is going to be great and I will be happy again, once I get away from the source of all of my misery.

[bijoux27]

I know some posters are saying to just let her be...but she is your WIFE, not just some girl you're dating, you two are legally bound and for her to just leave....well it can't be long-term. What about financial payments and all of that :S. Do you know where she is? Is there a way you can ask her what she wants to do next?

[Zeitgeist]

I know some posters are saying to just let her be...but she is your WIFE, not just some girl you're dating, you two are legally bound and for her to just leave....well it can't be long-term. What about financial payments and all of that :S. Do you know where she is? Is there a way you can ask her what she wants to do next?

Bijoux27 kind of has a point. But give us some specifics on what led up to the walkout. Was it truly sudden, out of nowhere? Or have you two been fighting for some time? If so, over what? Or have you two just been noncommunicative?

 

I still think you should leave it alone, because as bizarre as you find it that she can just walk out, she is probably finding is JUST as bizarre (if not more so) that you're not coming after her and begging for her to come back. I say NC because my opinion is that she will contact you eventually. It's virtually impossible for her to just disappear. Something precipitated this.

[isilv3r]

Agreed...I'd like to know a little more about her walk out. I mean, she didn't tell you why? Was it a good relationship? What happened that you know of?

[thejigsup]

I was a walk away wife. Best move I ever made. It's been twenty years and I never went back. Note to the guys, when a woman is done, and I mean really done, you will never get her back. She doesn't love you anymore. Now if she's just confused and taking a breather, let her and she may return. If you hurt her (not saying you were) or if you hurt any woman deeply, she will eventually leave. We like pain even less than guys do.

[AtMyWitsEnd]

I was a walk away wife. Best move I ever made. It's been twenty years and I never went back. Note to the guys, when a woman is done, and I mean really done, you will never get her back. She doesn't love you anymore. Now if she's just confused and taking a breather, let her and she may return. If you hurt her (not saying you were) or if you hurt any woman deeply, she will eventually leave. We like pain even less than guys do.

 

That is SUPERBLY ACCURATE. I was a confused walk-away who needed a breather who has just been thrown away. That door is SHUT. He wants me to still be his friend and turn to him if I need someone to talk to. RI-IGHT. I have to shut down that line. Maybe in a year or two we can maintain some sort of public association as friends. But you will never be inside my heart again.

[Fireman Sam]

That pains me to hear that. I don't really know why she left.

 

Did you initiate any contact with your ex after you iniatially left??

 

I don't really know how to talk to her about anything. She kinda just disappeared. I'm too scared to even ask her where she is living incase she thinks I'm being pushy.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

The process of uncoupling can happen a long time before the person leaves. They can start to feel a sense of discontent with the marriage or the lifestyle of being married, and start thinking about what life would be like if they weren't married. Then they can start exploring new friends and support/lifestyle options outside the marriage, building a support system outside the marriage.

 

Then when it comes time to leave, they've had a long time mentally to prepare for it, so they can leave and see it as a freeing experience for themselves. What is sad is that they when they first got the beginnings of discontent, they should try to work it out with the spouse, but instead go underground emotionally and start looking for people and things outside the relationship.

 

So there might be no other man, but she may have emotionally been separating from you and the marriage for a long time, so by the time she leaves, she is really ready for it. Unfortunately that means a huge shock for you, I'm sorry.

 

Try not to focus on her and what is going thru her, but focus on yourself and your own needs. Make sure you spend time with friends, and get some counseling if you really are having a hard time dealing with it.

 

She could discover that being single isn't what she expected and want to come back, but frequently she may already have made up her mind that she doesn't want to be married anymore, so she is pursuing the new life she has chosen for herself.

 

So it is in your best interest to take care of yourself, spend some time grieving, and build your own support systems outside the marriage.

[John Bendix]

BSBH describes the scenario of the spouse that suddenly walks away quite well. I urge you to consider what she is saying.

 

The first thing is that there is no quick fix or even a fix at all. The mindset of the plan to leave the marraige has usually been going on for a long time or even years. It would take a huge amount of time for them to change the way they are viewing their life situation.

 

It may even get more complicated with justifications, rationalizations, and exaggerations, dealing with the faults of the other partner and the relationship. Not to say that they are not there but they have given up on working on them.

 

Once their minds are made up, very little will be getting through to them. Just the fact that they feel "forced to resort" (due to the other partner's perceived indifference) to dissolving this intimate relationship, is usually more pain than they can handle. An emotional wall is usually set up to protect themsevles from further pain.

[AtMyWitsEnd]

That is SUPERBLY ACCURATE. I was a confused walk-away who needed a breather who has just been thrown away. That door is SHUT. He wants me to still be his friend and turn to him if I need someone to talk to. RI-IGHT. I have to shut down that line. Maybe in a year or two we can maintain some sort of public association as friends. But you will never be inside my heart again.

 

I don't think I stated clearly what happened. I DID walk away and immediately recognized it was a mistake. We got back together only to have him tell me a few days ago that he fell out of love with me last fall, just didn't really realize it until recently. So yesterday he said he wanted a divorce.

When I walked away, like I said, I knew it was a mistake. I was in contact with him. But I was stupid and jumped into another relationship basically because I had nowhere to stay and this guy had pretended to be a friend to me and as smart as I may be in some respects, I was naive and he took advantage of the situation and even though my S.O. then had another relationship himself during our separation, he still harbors resentment toward me for that and any number of things. I have suffered through many other things in life, multiple rapes and physical abuse and mental and emotional abuse and so I think it's easier for me to get past things that he seems to hold onto.

I walked away because I had literally been talking to him calmly and rationally about what I needed from our relationship that he wasn't giving me and he reacted with resentment and anger to everything I said. Thus, I walked out with no other recourse of action.

If your wife tried to talk to you about it first and you refused to hear her, then she walked out due to frustration. If she didn't try, then it seems like her heart wasn't in it as much as it should have been. In the marriage I mean. She should have told you what she was thinking.

I'm sorry for your loss. For me, it's a mourning process. Yesterday and this morning, I was angry after I stopped crying. Tonight, I am more sad, pensive, and reflective. Tomorrow, I may be angry again. It's a healing process that takes time. And it's natural to grieve.

[AtMyWitsEnd]

And Bendix called it: when I did walk away last fall, it was as if I had no other choice and had hardened my heart to him. I hurt him terribly and I didn't allow myself to feel it when I did it or I couldn't have done it. It took me very little time for the pain to set in and for the horror and realization of the pain I had inflicted on him to dawn on me. I had an emotional wall when I walked away. I believe my S.O. has that wall up now. He seems cold and distant. Upon reflection, I had been saying that for weeks and that is why I was getting irrationally angry about little things--he wasn't there for me and I needed him to be and he was expressing love for me as a husband but his heart wasn't committed and I could feel the lack of commitment or interest and the distance and it was driving me crazy.

There is almost a sense of relief now and it's similar to the sense of relief I had when I walked away last fall. We're just not meant to be no matter how much I wish that wasn't the case. For whatever reason or whoever's failings--both of our failings. I just want him to learn from this as I have and to work on himself the way I want to work on myself. Because I believe we both had issues when we entered into this relationship and I believe we could both use some more time to work on ourselves, in different areas, of course.

[surfjon]

Sam,

I too am a member of the club. I was married 20 years and have 2 kids.

She left exactly 1 year ago, we've been divorced 2 months now.

 

I too was destroyed when she left. Struggled with the contact issues. Battled my ego over and over......

 

I opted for limited contact, only discussing matters as they related to my children and not discussing us. I started therapy and got on meds.....it helped me.

 

She refused my requests to try counseling, I asked her 3 times but no more. I refused to beg her for anything. All I had left was my respect for myself. She had seriously eroded it, but is was still there.

 

By not asking the questions, I didn't get the answers ( or perhaps no answers) that I didn't want to hear.

 

 

What I realized is that when you ask a question, you must be prepared for all possible answers, whether you want to hear them or not. Often times, there may not even be an answer and sometimes that's worse........

 

By simply not asking the questions, you avoid the answers.

 

John Bendix helped me realize a few things, one being simply to accept what has happened. Once I "let go", and accepted that she had left and that was that, I started to crawl out of the depths I had sunk.

 

I still have a long way to go, this weekend was particularly bad. I've done well for a while, but did a thorough cleaning and came into close contact with all our things during cleaning and I lost it several times over the weekend, had to retreat to my bedroom a few times, I don't let my kids see me like that.............I finally just stopped and did something outside with my son.

 

I see her, it's hard as hell, I still miss her so much but I know she's long gone so I smile and try to seem like I'm ok, and then she leaves and it's hard, so freakin hard...........

[Mrsympathy]

Surf I feel your pain, mine has been two years and its still hard.I have been in relationships and she is about to marry.To me life seemed so easy when we were together and now it seems difficult,atleast for me.It is easier and the anger and hurt have subsided some but everytime I have to see her its a lot of work to just move on.Time does heal these wounds but we will always be left with the scars.They're arent many things in this life quite as difficult but it has made me stronger and better father,so I'm thankful for that.

[Fireman Sam]

For me......the hardest thing is that " I don't understand" how this happened.

 

My situation just dosn't make any sense to me.

 

I know I'll be fine financially, I'll get another woman..etc, but I have no clue why we couldn't work out our current marrage.

 

Not understanding is currently the most frustrating thing....it might soon move on to something else.

 

I'm very saddened that a marrage can just fall apart like mine did.....without any real attempt to fix it on her part.

 

Now I'll never look at marrage the same way again....and my situation is a very serious wakeup call for everyone I know to start to pay close attention to their own partnerships. I did not see the cluess at all.

[surfjon]

Fireman...

You are right in that where you are right now is the hardest time you'll probably ever know.

 

For me it was torture because I would have done anything, and was actively in therapy and working hard on myself.

 

In retrospect, it just didn't matter. Like others have said, she was already gone when she left, the act of leaving was just a step in the process initiated long before the physical departure from my house, the "uncoupling" as someone called it, had progressed too far at that point, the cancer had spread throughout the body.....

 

It will get easier once you have a sort of direction, the uncertainty of where you are will subside and it gets so much better. I knew about 6 months after the split that she would never be back, I could feel it all of a sudden like a cool front hit me, I could feel the exact moment the pulse stopped. Once I knew it, I began to ACCEPT what had happened, I took John Bendix's advice and really tried to release my ego's grip on me and accept that she was gone and "bam", I stopped breaking down everyday, I stopped shouting out her name to an empty house, the monologues I held in my house with the walls ended and I found an odd peace in me.

 

I was able to let go......

 

Things are far from good, but every day gets a little better!!

[John Bendix]

Fireman,

 

To say that it does not make sense to you is an understatement most of us have felt. It probably does not make sense to her. While you are trying to make sense, she is probably not. She may be desperate enough to try and escape the misery she feels inside, at all costs.

 

To beat your head against the wall trying to figure out why she will not even discuss the issues at hand, will be recognized by you to be useless when you are ready to accept it. There are reasons but they will seem to you to be irrational yet they are there.

 

People motivated by the pain that they have inside are willing to do whatever it takes to try and elliviate what they percieve to be the source of that suffering. Whether or not it is really the source (and I do not see how it could be something outside of themselves) does not matter. They have convinced themselves that this is it. They imagine (images of the projected future) that once they are away from that source, they will be happy again. And that is all that matters to them.

 

Take note of surfjon's experiences. He knows very well of what he speaks.

 

 

You wrote, " Now I'll never look at marrage the same way again....and my situation is a very serious wakeup call for everyone I know to start to pay close attention to their own partnerships. I did not see the cluess at all."

 

After dealing with my divorce case, my attorney told me that he calls his wife everyday to see if she is alright. He deals with these cases everyday. He does not want to be in a position where he could not do anything about what was happening to his marriage. So, your thoughts here are on target.

[jasper01]

John nailed it. I also just went through this.

 

Some people are not in a place in their lives yet to see that things they feel inside are not determined by external events, and that is an emotional - not a cognitive condition. So you can talk all you want about approaching issues that way but only someone who gets it emotionally will be able to work with you that way. The reasons make no sense precisely because this concept is outside their understanding, and their mind has to find a way to piece the reality puzzle together without that big piece - so it ends up looking quite distorted. Confusing as hell for them as well..