NC questions

[saturnreturn]

I have read alot about NC on this site and others... and I myself have been NC with my Ex for almost two months now. I understand why NC is so fundamental in allowing oneself to grieve and heal.

 

However, I am wondering about how NC should be initiated.

 

What is the difference between NC and falling off the face of the earth?

 

For those of you who don't know my story my ex and I (four year relationship) haven't spoken in two months, since the day he came by to get all of his stuff and acted like a complete stranger. The past two months have been hell, as I am sure most of you can imagine/ relate to. My biggest issue is that I feel like I have been cut off without warning: we never agreed to do NC, we just stopped contact. We never said goodbye.

 

I feel that NC should be agreed upon by both parties for it to work to its full potential... I'm not saying it is useless otherwise, but for me it has been extremely painful to try and let this relationship go without some kind of closure. Bear in mind that this was not a sudden breakup--we both knew it was coming and it did not involve a third party as far as I know.

 

What do you think?

[Hopelives]

I'm in NC because I have to be - for me, for my self respect.

 

Any further contact with him demeans who I am, disrespects me, and honors not what I thought we had.

 

By not saying anything to him, it speaks volumes...

 

But that is me, and my relationship...

[saturnreturn]

You sound very strong and it seems NC is doing you good.

I am just wondering if others are struggling like I am and if you think the way NC was initiated is important...

[Lynn07]

i can relate with you i think saturn. My ex and I have not spoken for 11 weeks now, and have been broken up just over 3 months. The last time we spoke, neither of us said that we were going NC...it's just kind of happened.

Since he broke up with me and completely destroyed my heart (we had dated 4 1/2 years, and i did not see this coming)...i guess I have felt that the

ball is in his court to contact me. While it hurts terribly that he has not contacted me....it feels like he could care less after loving me for that long....i know that I am still not strong enough to contact him and not start to cry.

I don't know if this helps any, i don't really have an answer. sometimes its messy and confusing and does not make an ounce of sense.

i'm sorry for your tough situation.

[Ellie2006]

 

What is the difference between NC and falling off the face of the earth?

 

I guess the end result is not much different so they're, in essense, the same.

 

My biggest issue is that I feel like I have been cut off without warning: we never agreed to do NC, we just stopped contact. We never said goodbye.

 

I feel that NC should be agreed upon by both parties for it to work to its full potential... I'm not saying it is useless otherwise, but for me it has been extremely painful to try and let this relationship go without some kind of closure. Bear in mind that this was not a sudden breakup--we both knew it was coming and it did not involve a third party as far as I know.

 

What do you think?

 

My speculation is, to your ex, the goodbye and the attendant NC was implied with the break-up? And is there really a "right" (?) way to say goodbye to someone you've loved for the past four years? With my ex-ex, whom I dated for many many years, saying "good-bye" seemed so ... trite? I didnt know what to say so I ended up saying nothing. Which may not have been "right," but it was what felt right to me at that moment in time.

 

I'm sure you've read this elsewhere but rarely can your ex or a final good-bye convo with him can give you closure. Sure there are exceptions to every rule but again, it's rare. I think the "closure" talk is overrated and as cliched as this may sound, only you can give yourself closure.

 

I am very sorry to hear that you're hurting. Do you have friends/family nearby to support you through this? ENA can be a great support system as well.

 

Hang in there and take care of yourself please.

[Ellie2006]

I am just wondering if others are struggling like I am and if you think the way NC was initiated is important...

 

[sorry for the multiple posts but I saw this after my previous post.]

 

NC is NOT easy! So dont beat yourself up about it if you're struggling with it.

 

As for your second question: no I dont think it ultimately matters HOW nc was initiated. With my most recent ex, I told him I was going to do NC, I asked him to respect my wishes (and he did) but that did not make the NC any easier.

 

The nc was broken at some point and a period of limited contact followed and let me tell you, that was much much much harder for me (may be different for other people, though) than having no contact with him at all.

 

Again, NC is not easy. BUT it is a helpful tool to help you heal, esp. in the initial months post-break-up.