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Do Too Much And Lose Her Or Not Enough And Lose Her?

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Ideally I'm hoping for some female advice but all advice is welcome.


In June I met up with an old friend, I call her Sarah, whom I've known for years but lost touch with over the past 4 years. She was my best friend and I loved her as a friend very much. Often, I wonder if that love was "soul mate love" as we used to get on really well. The old cliches of "feeling like I'd known her all my life" and that "our minds connected on a higher level" were all applicable.


The one main problem was that we were both in relationships although hers lasted, whereas I seem to be one of those men who women date once and just become mates with, which made me wonder if I was reading too much into our friendship. Also her boyfriend was handsome, rich and successful, also known as the total opposite to me. However, Sarah used to say that I was the only one who could make her laugh naturally and someone who made her feel at ease and easy to talk too. That though isn't handsome, rich and successful, so I figured that if she was unhappy with her boyfriend, they would split and we could take it from there. Instead, they stayed together and moved away; as the years have gone by, I regretted not saying how I felt but I'm not entirely sure that she didn't realise.


Fast-forward 4 years and by chance I met up with Sarah again at a mutual friend's social gathering. We talked, and apart from the fact that I'm even uglier and now balding and she's even prettier, it was just like we'd seen each other the day before. By the end of the evening, I found out that her boyfriend had long gone, having left her for someone else and cheated on her with two others at least. Understandably, she seems to have been quite hurt by this, especially as he was her first boyfriend. I gave her my phone number and said I'd be pleased to hear from her.


After waiting by the phone for 3-months, it was obvious that she wasn't going to call and I think I came on too strong - however I couldn't disguise how truly grateful I was to see her again as I never expected that I would. Without wanting to sound arrogant, I got the impression that she was very pleased to see me. It was her birthday in September, so I obtained her email from our mutual friend and sent her a message wishing her a happy birthday. I really agonised over whether I should or not as it seemed intrusive and I thought I might frighten her into thinking I was a stalker - but fortunately, her birthday is the same day as my sisters' so I explained that's how I remembered. She didn't reply though.


Four months later, in December, I though I'd try a second and last time as it was Christmas; to my surprise, she replied albeit briefly. In this email she wrote how the lease on her flat is expiring and how she's moving away to stay at a friends and won't be able to use the internet until she has somewhere to live permanently, which could be in months. At first, I feared it sounded like "you're stalking me! Please don't contact me again!" However, it is correct, and it's not an excuse. Although her message doesn't say "I'll contact you" either but just "I can't be contacted for awhile". If she didn't want me to contact her ever again, she could have just not replied again.


My dilemma now - bearing in mind that I rushed it and thought I'd blown it in June - is whether to do nothing and risk her losing my email address when she moves or to send her my phone number again. - she leaves on January 10th so I have little time to decide. My heart says send her all my email addresses, my phone numbers, my home address plus my entire family's email addresses, phone numbers, and home addresses! Whereas my head says that sending her my phone number will scare her off again but if she doesn't send me a forwarding address then I'll never see her again.


It does sound like I'm rushing ahead to marriage and children but I'm not; its just that I'm desperate not to lose her again. Ideally, we would take things slowly, get to know each again. Then progress to being a couple if that is what fate has decreed. My problem is I don't know how to achieve this and now I'm panicking as we could lose contact for good. Any advice on how to achieve this would be most helpful.


One other thing is that I still can't provide the lifestyle that she could find elsewhere with someone else. thereforeeee I can't help thinking that I shouldn't pursue and just let her go and find someone who can.


Thanks in advance for all advice received

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Hey, your posting made me sad... not because of your delimma, but because you seem to put everybody up on a pedestal except yourself.


My advice to you is to stop looking at all your shortcomings and take a look at everything you bring to the table. You're funny, easy to talk to, AND from what I gather, you're loyal (unlike her cheating loser boyfriend.... a lot of good handsome, rich, and successful did for that relationship). Take it from somebody who has been in a few relationships.... Honest, funny, intelligent, and caring guys are very very desirable (and hard to come by) in a boyfriend. Personally, I would take a homely, but sweet, balding, but faithful, poor, but honest guy any day of the week.


As for the girl... it doesn't come accross to me as if you came on strong.... maybe you feel this way only because you think about her so much. Giving her your number and emailing her on her birthday are signs you're interested, but I doubt she is thinking you're a stalker. Maybe you should consider renewing your friendship with her first before asking her out on dates and stuff.... like email her to get together for coffee sometime, just to catch up on the last 4 years. If, on this next attempt she doesn't respond or turns you down (giving no alternate dates), she might not be interested in you... and that is a reality you might have to deal with. (I'm going through this myself and dude, it's not easy....and it's not fun)


Anyway, don't sell yourself short... and if this girl (or any girl for that matter) can't APPRECIATE your very wonderful and unique qualities, she's not worth your time and energy.


Have a wonderful 2004,

Princess JJ

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Well here's what I think - and remember it's just my opinion based on what you wrote... She doesn't seem to be too interested. You have been in touch with her at least twice, and she only answered once, and telling you she will not be available at that. If she really is that important to you, and you are sure you are not building castles in the air, then go ahead and make things clear to her. Like really clear. I think it's unfair to say you want to be friends with someone, when you really have romantic feelings. Otherwise, get her out of your mind. Why waste time on someone who's being this unavailable? The other possibility is that she has never even given you a romantic thought before, being that you are friends, and telling her might get her thinking about it.

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I think you should ask this girl out. You can't wait around forever. She is a friend of yours and just say something along the lines of meeting up and you want to catch up with her. Based on that, give her a call a few days later and setup a real date. You can only try and she can only say no. It's better than wondering.


Not only that but because you ask for a date doesn't mean you ruin the friendship. So you ask, she says no, creates a little awkwardness but you move on and keep in touch with her as a friend in the future.


Hope that helps! Good luck!



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You may have chased her away, not with you soming on too strong, but because you have a confidence issue. Women can smell confidence a mile away and trust me when I say that. I went out last night with the confidence that I was the man. Well, I got a number of a beautiful woman and she said that I was "beautiful" ( I hope she meant handsome). Before, any girl will notice you, you must exude confidence. It has taken me a long time to realize that I have what every girl wants (mild good looks, honest, caring, trustworthy, and confidence about what I bring to the table).


Show the people around you that you have what all girls want and the girls will notice you.


Email her with you number and tell her that you would like to meet her for a coffee( or something) and catch up on the past. If she does meet you, then go with confidence and she will see this and may be won over. But without confidence then you have no chance!

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Thanks everyone for the advice. Very sorry Princess_JJ for making you sad, but alas its just the way I am. I knew my confidence was very low at the moment, but I didn't realise that it was so obvious that it shone through my written word - oh dear.


At the moment, I am favouring giving it another try.

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