What is Fair or Right

[Lacere]

My partner and I decided to move together and for me to study and him to work, with the option for him to apply and study too if he decides (which he has expressed a lot f interest in). He is earning more than 3 times as much as me because I have been unwell and waiting on compensation for an accident. I can't afford to spend like he does and yet he seems bitter about the fact that he pays for a lot of things. I am spending what little I have on household expenses and do all the cooking and cleaning which isn't easy in this sort of pain. I have a work from home job which lately has not yielded much.

 

There is the question of getting another job but I am unsure because I am unwell and came here to study part-time which I am concerned may be all i can realisticallly manage.

 

He seems to resent me for having to spend money but before the trip I researched the most cost effective way to do it and have always been upfront about my circumstances.

 

It is hard to be in agreement with him as he is very private about his finances which he has put into his parents bank accounts to spare them interest repayments on their morgage. They are using him and doing emotinal manipulation with him.

 

He gets angry and critical of me and i feel upset because I am not using him, I want to be with him and see this as a season because when I have my qualifications I will be able to earn serious money if he is respectful, supportive and we stay together. I want to work it out because I love him but it is hard to love someone who is so dependant on the advice of their family and makes you feel like you are on the outside.

 

I have read some of the posts here and thought I would try it out as I found this site by accident.

 

Please be kind as I am feeling a bit shaky today.

[blackgnat]

He doesn't sound very supportive or sympathetic.

 

Why is he so into his parents and allowing himself to be manipulated by them? Is he putting money into their account to prevent YOU from getting it? Do you think he thinks you're after HIS money?

 

If he earns 3 times as much as you do and you are in a partnership, as well as being injured, I would expect him to be kinder to you.

 

Ask him to tell you the truth about the way he feels about money, you and your relationship. And stop doing housework if you're in pain-you'll only make things worse.

[correspondent08]

Hi Lacere

 

You say that he _seems_ bitter about the fact that he pays for a lot of things and that he _seems_ to resent you for having to spend money- is this explicit? or are you guessing?

 

You also say that he is private about his finances- and that makes it difficult to come to agreement with him. If he makes more than you that is probably as much detail as you really need. Let him be private about bank balances/&c if he feels he must. I think the key thing that is relevant about his finances to your situation is whether or not he is able to make up for your reduced income. That should be a yes or no question- either he can help pay your part of the bills or he can't (or doesn't want to).

 

If you approach him on this and ask directly "are you able to help support me" and further "will it make you unhappy if I don't contribute half" you should be able to get concrete answers to these questions.

 

If he seems uncomfortable with the discussion he may be wondering for how long you will need extra support. Be honest about your situation and how long it will take before it changes. Also be honest about what your actual expenses are, and how much you can realistically contribute. Try drawing up a budget which shows how money gets spent every month, how much you contribute, what costs are soley yours that you pay for (clothing &c), and what costs are shared that you pay for (food items &c). Figure out a concrete amount that you need, or how much your income would have to change so that you could split everything 50/50. If you are doing extra house chores put that on the list somehow too, that is also a contribution. If you are having some health problems I agree with blackgnat, keep this to a minimum.

 

This is a yucky subject, I've been on both sides of it. It is straightforward to quantify it though, and writing down all the numbers may help both of you to see how much the difference is, and how long it will last.

 

Good Luck