Frustrated and confused

[claire_40]

I'm hoping puting my thoughts down here and getting input from you will help me. I've been married for a long time and we have 3 children. I haven't been employed outside the house in over 10 years and recently went back to work. I know my self esteem suffered because of the lack of employment. I'm a great mother, but not a great housekeeper. A typical day for us is for him to be on the computer on his day off while the kids and I do everything that needs to be done around the house. Recently, we had plans to go out with the kids. I did everything to get everyone out the door when he disppeared for a while. I found him in bed waiting for me to bring him his clothes (I hadn't had time to put the clothes away). I told him where the clothes were and went back to getting ready. Later, he still was waiting for the clothes. I got angry and took the kids out by myself. Did he really want to go anywhere with us? Was he happy to escape? Was he trying to demean me for not getting the chores done? Or was it just a battle of the wills? Maybe it's become such a habit that he doesn't even see the problem even though I mention it regularly. I'm sure he doesn't mean most of the things he says and does to me to be demeaning, but that's the way I take it. I'd love it if we could do more things together; the everyday and the special. Maybe I'm expecting too much. Counseling is out, he doesn't believe he has a problem.

[Ebowski]

Hold on to your butt, you are about to get marriage advice from a 21 year old college insomniac.

 

I really need to know more about your situation to understand. The mental picture I had of him sitting in bed with his clothes off while his kids are getting ready to go out on a family outing freaks me out.

 

But that is just a wording and detail problem, I am sure it was a normal thing.

 

If your husband cannot pick out his own clothes then he has a problem.

 

Sure it is possible for you to try to do a little better around the house, but let's look at that later.

 

What were you all going to do that day? When he is on the computer, is he playing card games on yahoo? If he is, then he is probably depressed.

 

If it was just his day off, and he wanted to hang out at the house, then I wouldn't worry too much. What worries me is that you are up at this hour writing about him. I am not sure what part of the states you are in, but if it is in the central or the east, but it is late.

 

You might not live in the states for all I know.

 

If you do, and you get this message, go to bed. Post an update, and I will write more tomorrow.

[Kamikaze]

Damn your story sounds familiar. I was on the other end. Tell him to go to counseling before he ends up like me. I have lost it all and its definatly over for good, She refuses to give me a chance. I drove her to this and I was the same way. Tell him to go now while you still want to try. I refused to also and I F^#&$* up. I don't want to see anyone end up in the mess I'm in. I'm the last to give counseling but before things get worse tell him I said he need to go, get help before its too late.

[SweetypieEnlightenedOne]

I'M SORRY IF I COME OFF AS A MEAN PERSON HERE WHO HATES MEN BECAUSE I DONT......BUT..

 

I'm sick of men, and there lazy, no good, cheating, scamming, lieng, abusive, brainwashing ways.

And tell me...what is it about a man that when he gets married all of a sudden he forgets how to 1. Find his socks 2. Cook his own food 3. Last in bed 4. Wipe his own...ok you get the point. I do not feel sorry for anyman who has been married and lost every thing because he was too stubborn to get help. Atleast Kamakazi is Man enough to admit that he had issues in the relationship. I commend him for this. Your husband is the typical "comfortable man" I am sure you are used to the following:

"It's not my fault, its yours"

"I didnt see it"

"I didnt do it"

"It wasnt me"

 

Men get comfortable and treat even the best women Like S.... I am getting to the point honestly to where I think i'm going to be single for the rest of my life. I am so tired of it. Women do all the work, and if the man washes the dishes once to her nine thousand, he acts like its this big thing. If he changes one diaper to her nine hundred, he wants a freaking parade. Its sickining. I have gotten to the point to where I dont' want children, don't want a husband, i just want money and a dang dog.

 

I have seen what you are going through way too many times. And not just in one state, or for that matter one Country. Men really treat women bad. ANd the ones who do treat women good, it doesnt last. They charm you then once they have you the real them comes out. The farting, the gaining weight, the sorry sex, the stinky feet. I mean why does it have to be this way? I think if he keeps telling you he wont go to therapy its because he is comfortable and doesnt think you will ever leave him. He needs a wakeup call. I feel your pain, I feel your frustration, and I feel he needs a wakeup call and fast, before you end up leaving him, or having an affair if that has not already brewed.

 

He sounds like a lazy man.

[Ash]

There is a chance your husband is depressed. Have you considered it from that angle at all? I know it may not be your doing, but perhaps he can benefit from the two of you reviewing things from that viewpoint.

 

If he is in fact depressed, there are ways to combat it. It may be just emotional, or possibly a chemical imbalance. Many people seem to live with mild depression for years and years, never realizing what it is.

 

It's not quite a battle of the wills per se. But I suspect that morning (and others) he does want something but refuses to say what. He's making you guess because he can't say it.

 

He may be unwilling to admit he has a problem. He may even want you to say you do. But deep down inside, he might identify he has problems.

[BrandonBo]

well hmmm it sounds like a problem but first empty ur heart out to him see wut he does and maybe that will help and if its abuse which i dont think it is then u need to get outta it i htink its just a battle of the wills and hes losin and bein disqualified for disrespect thats my thoughts well good luck!!!

[claire_40]

It is possible he's depressed. We talked about that once before. He just continues to refuse to go to counseling. The other thing I've noticed is that the higher my self-esteem goes, the more we argue. When he says "Could you get me a shirt because they haven't been in the closet for 2 weeks." I take that to mean "You're a bad housekeeper because the shirts aren't put away." It may be possible I'm jumping down his throat for no reason. I immediately get defensive and tell him if he wants a shirt he could get one out of the laundry basket. Then it turns into an argument. I appreciate Kamikaze's honsety. And no, I haven't had an affair; I wouldn't do that to him or the kids. I'm just tired of arguing all the time and feeling like he doesn't respect me at all.

[claire_40]

I really need to know more about your situation to understand. The mental picture I had of him sitting in bed with his clothes off while his kids are getting ready to go out on a family outing freaks me out.

 

I don't think I worded it wrong. Last night we had a similiar problem. We were all ready to go out for New Years-the kids were really excited. He asked me to get him a towel so he could take a shower (7 pm-he was just getting around to it because he'd been on the computer all day) so I grabbed one (the laundry still isn't all put away because we've been gone for several days). Then he says know there haven't been towels in here for weeks (an exageration) are we ever going to have towels in here again? I got angry and tell him he's always welcome to put them away. He says it's "not his job"....you can see the argument starting. He finally says he's not going. So now the kids are in tears because they wanted to go. I can't go alone (it's a long story as to why) so I beg and plead with him and totally demean myself to convince him that he needs to go so the kids aren't disappointed because of our miserable relationship. He finally gives in and we have a decent time.

 

What worries me is that you are up at this hour writing about him. I am not sure what part of the states you are in, but if it is in the central or the east, but it is late.

 

I was up late, because the only time I'm comfortable being on this site is when he's not home or in bed. Since he slept all day, he was up quite late. Today's he's at work.