Completely different, can it work?

[Angel_325]

Well, I have a question that has probably come up many times with many couples. But here goes. Do you think that two completely different people, different career levels, different personalities, and different interests can make it work in the long term? My boyfriend says he loves me and wants to marry me eventualy, and I love him too, BUT, I often have doubts as to how compatible we are. I know it's normal to sometimes have doubts, but I have them often because we are so different. We also often have fights, nothing major, mostly little things, but in the 7 months we've been together we've had several fights and disagreements. Is this normal in the beginning of any relationship? I must note that neither one of us has ever had a serious relationsip in the past (only dating), so we haven't had to explore the feelings we are exploring now. Is it possible for this love to work? My parents are not too happy about him. Yes, they think he's nice and all but they have many doubts about him and how compatible we are. They don't believe we can make it work in the long run beacause we are too different. I try to understand him, but I feel he often doesn't understand me like I try to understand him.

[rosephase]

Have you told him you feel this way?

[Cognitive_Canine]

I think that two people with two completely different careers and hobbies can work IF....

 

You both are on the same page or at least know which page the other is on. Since you are in different places in your life, don't ever assume that your partner would want the same thing. Even if it seems obvious, you really have to open up the lines of communication. Make sure that you really allow the person to see things from your side and be willing to see it from theirs.

 

AND

 

As long as your interests and wants do not conflict to the point that it's almost a hassle to make a decision. Compromise, Compromise, Compromise.

 

I once went to a seminar for extra credit that involved a woman talking about weddings. She interviewed and studied hundreds and hundreds of weddings. Her findings were that the couples that compromised and integrated both of the partners backgrounds into the weddings were the MOST successful. Even though they had the most conflicts, there ability and practice of coming to an agreement actually helped them in the long run.

[Angel_325]

I haven't told him all that I feel. I've said that I think we're different, but it makes him unhappy when I say it he doesn't agree. I haven't really come out and said I have doubts about the relationship because I know he won't take it well, but it's something I think about.

[Cognitive_Canine]

don't say you have doubts.

 

Tell him that you worry about how you'll deal with a big decision because you are both in different places in your lives. Tell him that you do love him and the idea of losing him over a petty argument sort of scares you. Tell him that if he ever has a concern that you really want to know.

 

Also, it's normal to fight. As long as no one fights unfair (calling names, bringing up the past, saying words like "always" and "never") and an agreement is met that you have nothing to worry about.

[knightingale]

I have the same worry sometimes for two big differences between me and my boyfriend (and I have a point after this spiel, skip to the end if you like):

 

1. I'm a Christian, he's an Atheist.

2. I don't like to drink or party (it bores me . . .) he loves to drink and hang out with slews of people.

 

 

But. From what I understand, marriages with different religions (or lack thereof) happen and work everyday. I think it's a good thing. If we can co-exist with different beliefs in a marriage then there is hope for this world yet. Also, he and I share the same morals, ideas and values, mine just happen to have a touch of God in them. So far, we're willing to make it work for us rather than against us. But I still worry about it.

 

I don't drink much (maybe two-three drinks a week) or party for a few reasons:

a) I'm sensitive to alcohol, so it can affect me for days. Even just a couple of drinks in one night will have me lethargic and unfocused for a couple of days.

b) Drunk people kind of annoy me. They stumble all over the place, make idiots of themselves and make poor decisions that can affect people they don't even know negatively in the end. I'm not saying all drunks are this way (my boyfriend is basically the same guy when he's been drinking, though he has made some poor decisions because of drinking in the past), but most of the time it just annoys me. Sorry if I've offended anyone.

c) It makes you fat and isn't healthy.

d) I like personal space so when I'm in a little house with 75 drunk people, it's a little overwhelming.

 

My boyfriend loves that I don't drink, though. He says it's one of the reasons he loves me and is with me. He's tried dating party girls and they just dragged him down and the relationship had no substance. He knows that he'll outgrow his party stage and he wants someone there that will be on the same level as him when that times comes. His mom and dad both partied in college; his dad grew out of it, his mom didn't. Now they're divorced and she's an alcoholic.

 

 

MY POINT! Being opposites isn't a bad thing. It creates a balance. It's just a matter of accepting those differences and appreciating them for what they are. Yes, it's hard at first, I still struggle with it, but hang in there. We sometimes have little tiffs about these differences, but nothing big. If it starts creating a real problem, then start to worry. Yes, ideally having someone who likes and does all the same stuff you do would be amazing. But that could get boring fast, not to mention it could cause more problems then we probably expect. Hang in there! Talk to him about it. Don't dwell on your differences being bad. Try and get the good out of them.

[KAT MOMMY]

Being opposite is the intial point of attraction. If you two were just alike then how much excitement can you two have in the realtionship. I feel as if the early stages of a relationship is just really getting to know the person inside and outside. YOu can't expect him to be nothing more than who he is. If you are trying to look at the good and not the bad then trust it will not work. DO not let things pass over you if they anger you because that only harbors resentment. Also don't you be the one to do all the bending, pulling and lifting because in the long run he will not respect you. Try your best to weigh the pros' and cons' if the bad out weighs the good then please walk away-if it is the other way then you already know what to do---right??

Good Luck!