just need objective advice

[amkingston]

Just found this site, and really like what I have read so far. I am in a tough situation on several fronts, and could use some objectivity.

 

First of all, the second part of this story belongs in another category, but they are somewhat related. I am almost 40 years old, and have been married for almost 14 years. My husband and I met in college, and although he wanted to start dating immediately, there was not an instantaneous attraction for me, and I held off. (I was also dating someone else at the time.) Eventually his persistence paid off, and we began long-distance dating (90 minutes away).

 

Looking back, I think the thing that was the most desirable about him was that he was so different from my father, who I have come to realize, through reflection, repressed memories and therapy, had been sexually abusive towards me when I was a young girl and who has been emotionally abusive towards me all of my life. I no longer have any type of relationship to speak of with my father - he is elderly and in poor health. My mother divorced him after 43 years of marriage when he admitted to being regularly unfaithful to her for pretty much their whole marriage. He has also alienated my brother and sister pretty much completely with his selfish, self-destructive behavior. He is a recovering alcoholic and a sex addict, and he is now alone in the world as a result of his own continued selfish actions.

 

So.......back to my marriage. Several years ago, I came to realize that I was no longer in love with my husband, and I question whether or not I was ever really in love with him to begin with. As you might imagine, the messages I received growing up about what constitutes a good, solid, honest relationship were somewhat distorted, and I came to reflect, again through therapy, that not many of my relationships before marriage were really healthy ones. (No abuse or anything, but not nearly as solid and strong as they should have been.) I think what happened was that he was persistent, and I was flattered - my self-image growing up was not all that great. My father had also intimated to me, on several occasions, that I had better accept the first marriage proposal that came along, as I was not likely to get many. So we moved in together after having been friends for 3 years and after having dated for one of those years. I was pretty sure this was headed toward marriage, and I thought I was in love.

 

My husband is a good man, and I do love him - but not romantically at all. Marriage takes work, and despite effort on my part, my husband tends toward laziness, partially because of how he was brought up - the only son of a proactive mother who did everything for him, and a very laid-back, passive father. He also has a deep-seated inadequacy streak, and I do think that deep down he does not feel that he has ever deserved me. Somewhere along the way any romantic feelings I had for him just died. I began to realize this acutely several years ago, and began suggesting counseling. He was not initially receptive to this idea, but last May I insisted - communication was bad, we were fighting more. So we began couples counseling, and initially I went into it with high hopes, that whatever had died could be rekindled. After 13 months in therapy, I have come to the conclusion, with the counselor's help, that this marriage is over. I think my husband knows this too, but does not want to face the truth of it. We have seen the counselor both together and separately, and he does not want to keep going back. We have a 5-year-old daughter that we adopted at birth, I should mention. He has made several comments about us breaking up, about how he would be "shattered" and how "things must be really bad for you (me) if this is what you are thinking of doing". He even went so far at one point to say that he would be so embarrassed, humiliated and devastated that he would want to blow his head off (he later retracted that statement when I brought it up with the counselor as a major concern). We have not had sex in a year and I have no desire for him whatsoever.

 

SO - one of my biggest problems now is - how do I end this without devastating him to the point of him being nonfunctional as a human being, or as a parent to our daughter? Money is an issue - we are both educators and living in California - our salaries support one household but it would be a stretch for two. He is also very close to his family, as am I, and he has told them nothing beyond the fact that we are in therapy, so this will come as a huge shock to them (not my biggest concern, but still a concern - my daughter will always be part of their lives.) I have been very upfront with members of my family, and they are supportive of my desire to have my needs met. Bottom line is: I am unfulfilled on several fronts, and I know he is too. The difference between us is: I am still hopeful that I might find someone to share the rest of my life with, and he has not even begun to think about that.

 

Believe it or not, this is only half of my story. I think I will post it and get some feedback first, before I regale you all with Chapter 2. Thanks for reading this long thing.

[wtm78]

i do not believe in divorce. i dont believe that things cannot be work out. being married for 14 years there must be soemthing that held you together. even if it is not for love, for the love of your child, i believe it is to the best of your child's interested to not divorce.

 

i believe there is nothing that cannot be work out.. it may only be that you have not found that way...

[Whiskers]

I don't think there is any easy way of telling him, there is not way to spare him any grief over this.

You just have to be honest and strong, if you're not happy and the marriage can't be worked out, then you'll have to be honest with him.

If he has made those comments, he must know that you are not happy and he must be thinking about it on some level.

What's the second half?

XXXX

[beblebrox]

i do not believe in divorce. i dont believe that things cannot be work out. being married for 14 years there must be soemthing that held you together. even if it is not for love, for the love of your child, i believe it is to the best of your child's interested to not divorce.

 

i believe there is nothing that cannot be work out.. it may only be that you have not found that way...

 

 

Sometimes things cannot be worked out. my wife carried on a multi-month affair with my best friend in our home while i was at work. she is pregnant with his child. This is beyond recoverable. I will not raise someone else's child. we have none of our own, and i am now living in the house alone.

[OC6]

i do not believe in divorce. i dont believe that things cannot be work out. being married for 14 years there must be soemthing that held you together. even if it is not for love, for the love of your child, i believe it is to the best of your child's interested to not divorce.

 

i believe there is nothing that cannot be work out.. it may only be that you have not found that way...

 

That's a very blinkered attitude you have there. Sometimes, there is only one solution to a problem, as tough as it may be. I'm not saying divorce is the answer to every situation and counseling may work in some situations but not all relationship problems can/should be worked out. Staying together for the child's sake is not a valid reason to stay together - things will only get worse.

[melrich]

SO - one of my biggest problems now is - how do I end this without devastating him to the point of him being nonfunctional as a human being

 

You probably can't. No matter how you go about things he is going to be devastated and will probably struggle with life for a while, that is how divorce is.

 

My advice is,

 

Be very open and honest but firm about your communication of the seperation with him,

Treat him with respect and never fall to the temptation of discussing private issues outside the two of you.

[wtm78]

Staying together for the child's sake is not a valid reason to stay together - things will only get worse.

 

staying together for the child's sake is out of love for the child, wanting to provide a complete home for him/her. staying together also mean to work things out and not keep snow balling... no one say it is going to be easy.. if anyone thinks that 2 person from different walks of life coming together is going to just fix into the puzzle... that is probably why the divorce rate is getting higher by the day...

 

it is easy to divorce... it is easy to breakup.. but it takes someone with courage and character to stay and work things out... it takes some one with love to make the right decisions to ensure the best for the kid...

 

in the end of the day, just know that what ever decision you made today will have a butterfly effect tomorrow... choose wisely...