Can you recover from breaking NC? Can you share your story with me?

[Suzanne1281]

I was just wondering if anyone can tell me if they broke NC with an ex, if they really recovered from it? My pride is really down right now. He broke NC with me a couple of times and I called him the next day to ask him why he's still contacting me: first he played dumb, then asked why he's not allowed to contact me, then he said he wanted to have lunch with me, then he invited me to come out with his friends and him, then he said we should meet up the next morning to talk. He said we have a lot to talk about and HE planned out when we should meet up. Next day, he bailed on his own idea, said we should meet up this current week...I said "Well, sooner rather than later would be good, we need to have a set plan to meet." (mainly b/c I didn't trust him to not bail again).

 

I really don't know how that made him feel, except now I feel like such an ass. I'm obsessing over the last things I said to him and telling him that "we need to have a plan to meet if we're going to meet" chased him even further back to the one he left me for. I already know it's not me and that I need to learn to direct my anger at what happened more at him and stop blaming myself. When he bailed on me yesterday as well I just said "Ok" and that was it. And I'm obsessing over that being the wrong answer too.

 

I just feel so stupid for calling him out on contacting me and I know I should have left it but I will "woulda coulda shoulda" myself to death if I dont' stop with that. I'm just so mad at myself because I have been awesome at NC since this happened. And now I've lost the upper hand and know the only way of gaining that and my self respect back is going NC again.

 

Anyway, can anyone share any similar stories of disastrous NC breaking with an ex and if they recovered from it in their own eyes (and I know I shouldn't be asking this, but his eyes too?). Does something like this seem like a big deal at first and in time doesn't seem like a big deal at all?

[deang]

given sufficient time this will all be forgotten by him...I had an ex who thought I was stalking her (I wasn't ...her friends husband happened to work for the place I went to get my car repaired and she thought I was trying to get info from him) and she doesn't remember any of that...she just remembers how I was to her and called me a few months ago to tell me she never should've left me. It takes time but when they start reminiscing they'll remember the good stuff. This isn't as big a deal to them as it is to us. They don't obsess about it so it's not something that sticks with them.

[barbielovesmac]

I know that whenever NC was broken my either my ex or I that I was always set back and almost let down and disappointed by him.

 

My ex would also come up with these ideas and then bail on them. I remember he called me ... told me he wanted me to go for a ride with him so we could talk ... told me he'd just show up at my house at 2 .... 1:30 rolled around ... already knew he wasn't coming.

 

That's why it's best not to break NC. That way you won't set yourself up for disappointment later.

 

Sure, you recover. But let your mistake be your lesson learned. That being don't do it again.

 

Not sure I helped, but yes, you can recover as long as you don't do it over and over. It's normal to have your set backs ... but learn from them ... remember how it makes you feel... so that you don't keep up the cycle.

[Suzanne1281]

My ex would also come up with these ideas and then bail on them. I remember he called me ... told me he wanted me to go for a ride with him so we could talk ... told me he'd just show up at my house at 2 .... 1:30 rolled around ... already knew he wasn't coming.

 

That's why it's best not to break NC. That way you won't set yourself up for disappointment later.

 

 

You have to be at least the 4th person that has told me their ex has done this to them. I don't know why I didn't realize one of the biggest reasons for not breaking NC is what you said: it keeps you from not getting disappointed again and again.

[Raistlin]

If you search any of my posts, you'll find that I have broken NC with my ex several times, and was much worse off because of it.

 

The last time we broke NC was right after my birthday, earlier this month. She texted me to find out how it was, and I should have ignored it.

 

We ended up talking a whole lot, and she came over that night. "Things" happened, and it was nice... for the moment.

 

She kept saying that she should have never left me; that she only did because there's too much going on in her life and she still loves me and wants to start slow.

 

Later that same week, we went on a casual date. Just saw a movie, then back to my place. More "things" happened, and we were both caught up in the moment.

 

Due to this, I let my guard down.

 

The very next day, she said she only wants to be friends.

 

The day after that, she told me she's interested in someone else, but wanted to be my friend for 'some reason'.

 

I put my foot down and told her that I can't be her friend if she's flirting with some other guy. She didn't talk to me for almost 2 weeks.

 

3 days ago, I broke NC again and text her asking if we could be friends. We worked out that day and the next that we can't be friends and stopped contact again.

 

 

I don't really care about how I look in her eyes anymore. Currently, I'm working on exploring a new option. Very new. Like... 2 days ago I hung out with her for the second time, but there seems to be a strong connection.

 

I also already have plans to go out with a bunch of single girls I've never met, and my buddy next month.

 

I was way, way down because I worried about what my ex was doing and what she was thinking and thought of me. I wanted to look good in her eyes.

 

What I'm trying to force into my head is that it doesn't really matter anymore. She left me because she thinks she can find something better. Good luck to her. She's only been with abusive men before me, and she's interested in another guy with abusive tendencies.

 

She WILL get burned by this guy, and within the next few months, she'll try to call me. I just threw away everything I had left that reminded me of her, and I'm going to change my phone number.

 

Instead of worrying about what my ex thinks or is doing or whatever, I'm concentrating on what I can do to make sure this current interest of mine stays interested... =D

[ycmanvs]

Yes, of course you will recover. Just stop answering him if he ever contacts you again. My ex kept breaking NC and at first I did not respond. When I did, finally, after 3 months of this, I started acting needy and clingy, to the point that he accused me of stalking him....even though he had been the one contacting me initially.

So, I put a stop to it.

I just did not make any further contact.

The control is in your hands.

[Suzanne1281]

It takes time but when they start reminiscing they'll remember the good stuff. This isn't as big a deal to them as it is to us. They don't obsess about it so it's not something that sticks with them.

 

 

Yeah, I guess it's easy to make yourself believe they'll only remember the bad stuff. Hopefully it's not a big deal to him and time will make him (and me) think it was nothing. If your ex doesn't even remember accusing you of stalking, I'm sure my ex won't remember me saying what I said (not that I said anything wrong anyway).

[barbielovesmac]

You have to be at least the 4th person that has told me their ex has done this to them. I don't know why I didn't realize one of the biggest reasons for not breaking NC is what you said: it keeps you from not getting disappointed again and again.

 

When he did it, I really thought he was sincere. thereforeee I set myself up.

After that, he'd pull the same crap ... but I knew better. All I had to do is remember how I felt ...

[Suzanne1281]

I thought my ex was being sincere too...considering he's the one who said "we have a lot to talk about." Then when he bailed and I got a little hurt by that he said "is it that important you talk to me right away?" Ugh. When he bailed again yesterday, I just told him "ok." and left it at that instead of naming another day. But he'll probably just bail on that day too and I feel like it makes me look needy.

[barbielovesmac]

I thought my ex was being sincere too...considering he's the one who said "we have a lot to talk about." Then when he bailed and I got a little hurt by that he said "is it that important you talk to me right away?" Ugh. When he bailed again yesterday, I just told him "ok." and left it at that instead of naming another day. But he'll probably just bail on that day too and I feel like it makes me look needy.

 

thats when you say WHATEVER. don't stop living your life. go about your day. go about your life. the world doesn't STOP just because he wants to see you. see what i mean?

[Suzanne1281]

I sent my ex a few letters and emails after it ended, but I don't regret them anymore. They were kind, not hostile - I do not regret that he knows I love him and I tried to save what we had. He never responded and I don't care. He is with someone new and I did not expect a response. I just wanted him to know what was in my heart and I don't think that is such a bad thing.

 

 

That's great that you don't have anymore regrets or second guessing. I can't wait to get to that point. I WAS at that point until he started contacting me.

 

Yeah-at least he knows I cared enough to talk to him. He's already bailed twice, I'm not going to try and reschedule again. I never wanted to break NC in the first place, but I wanted to tell him that he can't just contact me like nothing happened and only when he wants to.

 

No matter how embarrassed I am of myself now, at least he knows that his contacting me was affecting me. He wont' be doing it again I'm guessing. I cannot wait to get to the point when I dont' care what he thinks (or this girl he went back to thinks) of me.

[Suzanne1281]

thats when you say WHATEVER. don't stop living your life. go about your day. go about your life. the world doesn't STOP just because he wants to see you. see what i mean?

 

 

Yes I see what you mean now. Me keeping on trying to reschedule with him DOES make me look like my world will stop if he wants to actually show up. I didn't even want to talk to him face to face anyway, but when he said we have a lot to talk about, I got weak and tempted. Then he turned it around on me and made me look needy like I was the one who wanted to meet up. God knows that's what he'll be telling his girlfriend if she asks.

[browneyedgirl36]

Yes I see what you mean now. Me keeping on trying to reschedule with him DOES make me look like my world will stop if he wants to actually show up. I didn't even want to talk to him face to face anyway, but when he said we have a lot to talk about, I got weak and tempted. Then he turned it around on me and made me look needy like I was the one who wanted to meet up. God knows that's what he'll be telling his girlfriend if she asks.

 

Same thing happened to me, Suzanne. Somehow, they always manage to turn it around to make it look like WE are the needy ones, the ones who are pursuing them, etc.

 

This is why it's best to stop all contact, no matter how weak you feel. The situations that happened to me with my ex (the ones I wrote about in my PM's to you) were just a few of the MANY times I let my ex keep me hanging, and I really do think he got the idea that my world would stop if he wasn't in it. I think he might finally be getting the hint that that's not that case...let's hope so. And, let's hope yours gets it, too.

 

I know it's tempting to cave and talk to him, but really, what is there to talk about? He knows what he did, and he knows how you feel about it. He doesn't deserve your time, energy, or emotions anymore.

[Suzanne1281]

Just read this at a moment when I needed it most. I was regretting not rescheduling---like it was my job to do so b/c I said I wanted to talk to him too. I wanted to write to him telling him I feel like such an ass...like I acted overeager...but that makes no sense b/c he was the one who suggested meeting up. How else did he think I was going to react?

 

I'm sorry for being like this but...I really feel like I ruined it this time. If only I hadn't called him out on contacting me. I know I didn't, but I feel like I acted overbearing and that made any doubts of being being with this other girl go away. Ughhhh.

[shygirl1212]

Suzanne,

 

Here is a disastrous one for you.

 

I broke up with my bf of 8 years - i thought he was the "one" but he wasn't - his lies, deceptions and a lot of other things ended our relationship.

 

It has been one month now since the breakup but I broke NC at 3 weeks into the breakup. I called him and cried, told him I loved him. He hated me, didn't care about me, told me I was crap etc. etc.

 

I got off the phone and felt lower than low - for 2 days I didn't eat or work and all I did was sleep. My mind was going crazy. I was in such a dark place - darker than I thought I was already after the breakup.

 

In time, I picked myself up again - I broke NC - YES - can I change it? NO - can I learn from it? YES.

 

And so I did.

I won't break NC again - I did it once and know what the results were (hurting him & hurting me).

 

And I have stopped beating myself up about it.

 

Suzanne, I hope that you too stop beating yourself up about it. You can't change the past but you can definitely try to shape your future. It's okay that you broke NC - a lot of us do it at some point. It is not the end of the world BUT what is important is that you make a commitment to yourself to not beat yourself up over this anymore, and to try your best to do what is right for you.

 

XOXO

[Suzanne1281]

Thanks for sharing. I guess that's the best thing is if we can learn from something. But I'm just so pissed b/c HE was the one breaking NC and if ONLY I hadn't called him to ask him why...I made it 'weird' though we were both acting like everything was ok when we were texting back and forth.

 

It was such a fragile situation and I blew it. It's a sad state of mind to be in: but he must have been having doubts about going back to this ex if he was still contacting me. And now that's all finished. I didn't ask to reschedule meeting up and now he must think I hate him--he'll stay with her. This is what I need to stop beating myself up about.

 

I need to stop wasting my time on someone who didn't care enough.

[browneyedgirl36]

Thanks for sharing. I guess that's the best thing is if we can learn from something. But I'm just so pissed b/c HE was the one breaking NC and if ONLY I hadn't called him to ask him why...I made it 'weird' though we were both acting like everything was ok when we were texting back and forth.

 

It was such a fragile situation and I blew it. It's a sad state of mind to be in: but he must have been having doubts about going back to this ex if he was still contacting me. And now that's all finished. I didn't ask to reschedule meeting up and now he must think I hate him--he'll stay with her. This is what I need to stop beating myself up about.

 

I need to stop wasting my time on someone who didn't care enough.

 

Suzanne -- You're right, you definitely need to stop wasting your time on the what ifs. It's VERY easy to fall into the trap of saying "If I'd only done this or said that, he wouldn't have stayed with her." Honestly, I don't think ANYTHING you said OR did is making him decide to stay with her. Even if he's having doubts about her, he's still messing with your head.

 

Let's just say, for the sake of argument, that he's having doubts about her, and he comes back to you. Do you really think he'll be able to give you his full attention? Do you think he'll really cut her out of his life for good? I doubt it. From what you've posted about him, it sounds like he has NO clue what he wants. Something tells me that if he left her and came back to you, he'd start having doubts about you and start contacting her, and this cycle would repeat itself. He is being unfair to BOTH of you -- to you for keeping you hanging, and to her if he's having doubts about her and contacting you because he wants to make sure you're still *there.* This is SO unfair to both of you! Even if he DID come back, would you EVER be able to trust that he wouldn't go back to her AGAIN?

 

I really, really hope you'll give yourself a break and stop telling yourself that you pushed him closer to her by pushing for a specific time to talk and for not really responding when he made yet another excuse not to meet with you. You say he probably thinks you hate him now -- I doubt that. More realistically, he probably realizes, at least on some level, that he's a JERK, and that's why you didn't give him much of a response. Besides, even if he DID think that -- he deserves to think that, because really, you have every right to hate him! (Well, maybe not hate, but resent, at least!)

 

NCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNC!

[GottaLetItBurn]

You said what was natural to say, you don't have to say the perfect thing to skip around what could "push him away". Your basically saying because you weren't saying something you didn't feel like saying (being yourself) that he won't like that. You don't need to jump through hoops for him.

 

Screw this guy he is playing games with you. There are people who are desperate in this world and go out and get a kind hearted person to use, and dump them to get the next high from the honeymoon stage of the next relationship. They don't bond with people well and are like leaches. Forget this guy, he has the problem not you.