Need him as a friend and want him back how to balance

[ccali78]

Hello,

 

So I have posted most of the situation plenty of times before. Like many I want my ex back, we have hung out as friends and it has been great. We both have fun and I do feel good after and do look forward to seeing him again. It is not that hard when you know you are seeing him again and know he is in a place in his life where he will not be oursuing relationships (he is going through 12 steps (not for sobriety) and will not date a girl that drinks and needs to fix himself first.

 

Anyway I am going through a big crisis in my life. He said he is going to help, support, and be my friend through this. And I do need it right now. I am not clinging to him or using my crisis as an excuse and I do not want to talk about the crisis in the open. Anyway though right now I know we cannot be together (communication was our/his problem). He could never fully open up to me or anyone except friends for that matter. he is now starting to talk to me and give me advice and I like it. Can regaining friendship when that is what your were lacking to begin with rebuild a relationship.

[Supa_gurl]

Can regaining friendship when that is what your were lacking to begin with rebuild a relationship.

 

I think so. But do you really want him back? That was missing in the first place, but was that the only problem. It is great that you two are friends. Remain that way STRICTLY and if something builds from that then "there ya have it". But don't go into this thinking that will be the outcome. Just lean on him as that friend when you are in need.

[ccali78]

Well our relationship was great until his family got in the middle. He has not talked to him for two years which caused him to change not only to m but in general. He stopped trusting and became isolated and depressed. He is doing the 12 steps to regain his mind as he lives in guilt, shame and resentments. He did say he prays that he can get his mind to stop being the way it is so down the road we can rebuild but he know he needs himself first before he can give to anyone else. He was tired of hurting me because he was not capable at this time to give that to anyone. He is seeking help but knows he needs to do it alone.

 

I am doing the strictly friends first to be there for him and then my crisis came up and he is offering it back. We are going to go for ice cream when he gets back and I said I will go to some meetings with him. I believe this will help build our relationship as a friend which is what we lost. The physical attraction is still there, the love is still there, but the friendship is lost.

[Supa_gurl]

I say go for it then. It is awesome that you are going with him to the meeting AS A FRIEND. Because that is what relationships should be built on in the first place. I believe there may be hope in the end. Especially if he gets the help he needs and the attraction and love are still there.

[itsallgrand]

Personally, I'd be real careful about leaning or turning to him for any support for you right now.

 

He's dealing with his drinking right now. Which is awesome.

 

Of course you'll make your own decision, but I think it's be a poor choice to rely on him as a friend right now. Not bc he doesn't necessarily want to, or that you couldn't be friends - but right now he really needs to concentrate on himself.

 

I think it could be counterproductive to what you are trying to achieve if you don't give him some time to be selfish - in a good way, just focusing on himself and not having to worry about other people's crisis or needs too much. Beyond basic courtesy and kindness.

 

I just wouldn't expect or look for too much right now. Hope for the future -sure.

 

So my advice is if you spend time with him at this point, to keep it real light and fun and just focus on that. Like making a friend for the first time all over again.

 

So long as you don't begin to rely on him right now, or put much on him, it could be really positive.

 

tc.